There is a light

[angelkbfl]

My heart goes out to all of you! Hello, I'm a 22 year-old woman named Andrea, and after reading all these posts, like everyone else...i was looking for answers..a magical formula...goodness a miracle even!!! to bring back the love of my life. Although unfortunately there really is no magical spell, it finally dawned upon me one day of how to increase my chances by tenfold of how to get him to not only be back in my arms, but to reignite the "mental struggle" which is by so far, the most misconcepted idea involving relationships, and if not viewed at properly it can be the "end all" to any loving union. Now I would go into my little scenario of what happened, but if I do I'll end up writing a "guarranteed-to-cry-your-eyes-out" 4-star 500 page-long novel with a economy-sized box of kleenex to compliment the whole package...and please LOL Believe me... I'm REALLY sure that nobody cares to read about it!! (not that I blame you!..500 pages is a bit too long!) ok enough of that...

Try and clear your mind of ANY emotional babble, for just one moment. Listen to what I'm gonna say cause believe me IF YOU BELIEVE, it's gonna work for you, If your skeptical, please do yourself a huge favor and quit wasting your time reading my post. (just a note. I'm not a therapist, a redeemer, or an advocate of any sort...I'm just a ordinary person JUST LIKE YOU...and I truly hope that my advice helps all those who read it..please if you have any questions my email address is email removed) Ok here it goes...how are we usually feeling when a relationship ends? An obvious here is HURT, confusion, gut- wrenching your heart-and-soul-out pain, the whole nine-yards right? How about this question? Was this whole unfortunate event brought about by your bad luck, all the happy-go-luckiness you "once had" just about ran out, or the common "people change" crap, or the even better "you two are just not meant to be"? If you answered yes to any of the second question answers oh how WRONG you truly are! and what little faith you have in yourself! (you need to get more secure here people!) Believe it or not, it is YOU who chooses your fate.

Have you ever heard of the phrase" you're the master of your own destiny."? SO TRUE, but our deluded little mind that I'll refer to as the infamous EGO blinds us from being aware of the awesome god-given power within each and everyone of us to make our own paths for what we want and desire in our lives! The EGO thrives on negativity, It JUST ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT! Its the part of you that makes you give in to weakness, believe the worst is gonna happen to you, it wants to see things physically for itself before it believes...and just forces you to think that your never gonna be worth much so the other person's not gonna want to be with you either (UHH__UGLY!). It also

LOVES to argue with other EGOS, It seems to never be able to agree on anything the other person's ego wants, loves to have its way, ALWAYS has to be right and the other person's EGO slightly right to an extent but your EGO will see itself as MORE right, because it feels that it can never be wrong. Oh my! If we don't watch it, this EGO can REALLY GET OUT OF HAND..which usually ends in, like this case, the end of happy love and a loving relationship! Just visualize it as a little annoying ankle-biter with the IQ and temper of a two-year-old that has chronic tantrums that REALLY needs to be locked into a cage, tamed or one of the two. LOL Negative things are what the EGO survives on, are things such as suspicion, JEALOUSY, exaggeration of the importance of having someone in your life in order to live, insecurity, overreactting, FEAR of trying something different from usual, MISTRUST of your partner, (Oh it just LOVES to think the worst I tell ya! and blowing things completely out of proportion are a favorite past-time of the ruthless EGO) being unreasonable, "imagining things", becoming predictable to your partner (BIG BIG NO-NO!!), disagreeing with what your partner wants...and of course a number of other things.

What needs to be valued here is how to control your EGO, just how to stop it from from attacking at it's own will, because after all, YOU ARE THE COMPLETE MASTER OF IT. ..Almost like owning a pitbull, if you fear the beast, it'll sense it and try to control you using your fear of it. but quess what? As with everything in life, you can give it as much power over you as you can make it instantly POWERLESS. (for instance, your intimation of a girl/guy who your partner may "like", if you act threated, you turn a 4 into an 11 just like if you did the opposite, and you don't act threated, all the sudden the "threat" does'nt look so hot any more. She/ he went down to well.. NOTHING..and you keep your EGO happy by keeping your pride.) Just like All the sudden, your not intimidated by the pitbull and he obeys you and turns into a cuddly puppy dog. POOF! There's magic for you. LOL so amazing but its simplicity makes it understated, thats why it may be hard to believe at first. BUT If you believe that your not afraid...you will not be afraid, and you will see that you truly have that power over YOUR LIFE. IN EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE!! May it be love, money, and even happiness.

Remember, Life happens THROUGH you not to you. It all just takes a strong will, and knowing that yup, YOU ARE IN CONTROL...ALWAYS. You control your situation, you choose to feel pain, just as you choose to feel happiness. Subconsiously, we naturally let our EGOs do this for us, because we don't believe that we have such a power over our lives. Your REALLY THAT POWERFUL! It's about learning to manipulate your own EGO, just not in a "natural" way. So please stop blaming other people for what happens to you and stop playing the victim, your only letting that nasty little EGO get its way once again!

Now remember, as much control as you have over your life and your situation YOU CANNOT decide for others of what they want. The thing is, is that when you are aware of the ego consept, you become MUCH SMARTER in INFLUENCING what their EGO wants, its all about tapping into your own power and learning how to manipulate it to YOUR ADVANTAGE to get whatever you want FROM ANYONE. (the ego isn't all that bad after all- IT JUST NEEDS TO BE TAMED to your complete satisfication.) To do this is actually quite simple.....RELAX, and don't exaggerate the situation, instead just defuse it completely before it even has a chance to set fuse. for example, say your lover is breaking up and wants to leave you ( this is when mental-struggle comes in) The more you try and stop it the more YOUR LOVER WANTS IT and the more REBELLIOUS HE/SHE FEELS towards you. (sound familiar? sounds like that person's EGO is talking to you huh, yup you got that right!) but don't jump the gun yet ok? so they want to leave you blah, blah, ok remember whenever you feel negative vibes trying to get at you, STOP thinking that way immeadiately, and switch to acting positive AT THAT INSTANT, its so much more effortless to do so, becuase your not depleting yourself with negative thoughts which will only get you back in a BIG emotional mess. The more you use pressure, the more he/she doesn't see you in all the wonderful glory that you are! Big mistake to do is reason. why? because (here comes the EGO again!) you're telling him/her how much you love them which translation to them means "but I want something different from what you want honey", (blah, blah, blah) "I'm trying to change you..you'll see I'm totally right on what we should have CAUSE I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU" yup thats what they are REALLY hearing from you. so what do you do..YOU ROCK THE BOAT.

Remember, when your lover wants to break up with you, he/she seems very happy, but the reality is that they are in love with their negative feelings and not the practical ones. When you feel hurt and mad , your EGO behaves in ways to increase the hurt feelings and the angry feelings. Feeling hurt causes you to attack the other person's pride , causing the hurt to feel worse. So what should we do (but doesn't feel natural) when we are in these situations is ROCK the boat. (this like I said eariler, is an example of giving the mental challenge..a rare kept secret I quess cause no one really knows how to use it.) You turn left, when they think that your going right. If your can figure that out, your a genius.

No? Ok, I'll explain. When you stop the "changing" and "I Love you" approach it'll make the relationship BETTER because no pressuring is involved. Just allow and accept 110% of what your mate wants, does, thinks and feels and ACCEPT it all as perfectly ok! (I told you it would feel unnatural, but really how easy is that? Only as easy as you want it to be because YOU CONTROL the intensity of the situation you are in, get it?) Remember it's predictable to them that you're going to fight them tooth and nail instead you don't. Your behavior becomes UNPREDICTABLE which equals FASCINATION. Their no longer bored and they like the mental challenge!! Really just sit back and watch your lover DRAMATICALLY improve themself! Why? Well If you remember how to understand the EGO you will see that that person's negative feelings towards you would be weakening IMMENSELY and very quickly, because their negative feelings need something in you to FIGHT WITH ... with out you as his/her "negative base" that same person will turn to someone else to fight against.

YUP manipulated their EGO and kept the peace and still kept them in the process. Talk about EFFORTLESS multitasking that works like a charm, EVERYTIME. I tried it, of course being skeptical at first, BUT I decided to be brave and do something different for a change and boy I'm so glad I did that, my man and I decided to go out to eat that night after months of not talking! When you sincerely see what is on their side, you'll sincerely agree with them, So if they want to blame you for everything wrong in their lives let them, if they want to be cold to you, let them. "yes baby, we moved too fast even though its been 3 years...and oh yeah I totally agree with you on us just to move on with our lives and date other people..." just AGREE AGREE and guess what you just did by saying that,

YOU THREW A MONKEY WRENCH INTO THEIR LOCKDOWN PROGRAM,

 

and instantly they'll want committment. AGREE with that negative crap coming from them and DO NOT RESIST IT and all the sudden they'll get that mental struggle they were craving from you becuase you gave it to them. There's more magic for ya! AMAZING huh? Another reason to "not be natural" during breakup is because his/her negative feelings will have absolutely nothing to feed upon and build upon from YOU! You have surrendered your defenses to them..in doing so, you will cause them to do the same (since you have no "gun", you can't defend yourself and he/she won't be able to shoot you since you are not "armed". Instead when you're not defending yourself, he/ she will want to defend you!! (weird, but VERY TRUE!)

Very healthy strategy although not natural ...but natural is not the case here since you want to be a mystery to the other person, their EGO will be wondering why you're not defending yourself against them! Now naturally the idea of defending yourself seems like a great idea since you'll keep your dignity, poise, and come out on top (just what your EGO wants) BUT the reason why it doesn't work in this case with your lover is because, defending yourself against them makes them feel pressured SINCE you are basically telling them that you are right and THEY ARE WRONG (remember- agree with everything and put a good name on it that they say 110%!)When they are pressured by your opposing opinion (not agreeing with them) then in turn they become more aggressive and more hostile towards you!

Actually now to think of it, defending yourself naturally isn't really defense SINCE YOU ARE BASICALLY GIVING THEM A STICK TO WACK YOU WITH! in other words, you're getting more pain when defending yourself AGAINST them...not good.) agreeing with them in this case give you TREMENDOUS advantage over the situation and it's actually the smartest thing to do! USE your head and NOT your feelings! Feelings make you feel that not defending yourself is losing, and want to choose everything ...feelings are wrong to use for this situation and WILL NOT WORK!

Use your head, and you will outsmart the bastard at their own game! Warmly let your lover be whoever they are, and watch them dramatically improve themselves! While their off on their negative rampage, you remain totally positive, because BELIEVE me, their nasty little EGO will try hard to make you feel just as bad as them. Brush it off and focus all that love you have on yourself, when the time comes that you truly feel happiness coming from within, you may doubt that you want this person in your life still, or want to put up with their negativity any longer...PLEASE EMAIL ME AND LET ME KNOW HOW THIS GOES FOR YOU, I LOVE FEEDBACK.

[Holy Torture]

try seperating this into good paragraphs and more might be tempted to read the entire thing..

[ReadyorNot]

Any chance you could edit this post and put in paragraphs??? I was really interested in this.. Im in the process of getting back with my ex... well I dont even know if I should call him an ex.... and so I wanted to read it but its impossible since its one big mass of letters...

 

Paragraphs would make it better for the eyes to read... Thanks!

[TheRealPsiPhi]

That was long... I read every word of it too. However, just folding to their whim isn't really that good. You're technically letting them walk on you. I agree that if you are about to break up you should respect that, but trying to be indifferent isn't the way to go. I still think you should show compassion. Give it sometime to heal a little and if you can talk to them. Don't beg them to come back, it doesn't work. Just talk to them. It helps.

[Break up Veteran]

Actually no, you are not letting them walk on you. The idea is that you are saying 'okay honey if that is what you want, then okay'. Letting them 'walk on you' is when you fight their decision and try and prove yourself to them. They will readily accept you attempts to impress them but stay put in their decision. That, is when you are being walked on.

 

By accepting their decision easily and happily you will make them doubt themselves. Fighting them and trying to convince them otherwise will fortify their position.

 

I think it also depends on the circumstances of the break up and at what point you are at. If you made a mistake, sometimes an apology can fix things. If it is something that is not so easily forgiven things get more complicated.

 

Generally though, this should work if your partner genuinely still loves you and is not yanking your chain.

 

I have read about this concept before and it does work. It needs to be applied consistently though. This is not easy for a person who feels they have had their heart shredded.

 

Think of it this way, if two people tried to convince you of their point of view and one was a very nervous unsure individual and the other seemed to have unshakable confidence and was very sure of themselves. Which would you believe?

 

By controlling your ego you can portray an image of being sure of yourself and confident. When in the presense of a very confident person, people can sometimes start to doubt their own opinions and take on those of the confident person.

 

Don't underestimate the power of confidence and being sure of yourself.

[angelkbfl]

Yes, thank you breakup veteran! Obviously you didn't let your EGO get the best of your understanding when reading my post. Learning to control your EGO and how to understand how to manipulate other's EGO to get what you want, can seem like tricky business at first. (but only to the untrained WEAK minded)

I stumbled accross this truism many times ( even when I read it in the bible--Jesus says "Resist not Evil"...(just go with it) At first I didn't know what the heck that even meant, and then I started to really think about it, and I saw the meaning. What that phrase means is instead of fighting or resisting what you don't want (may it be something negative of what your partnet says to you) you make them think that you have gone with it...but in your right mind you end up getting EXACTLY what you wanted in the beginning.) no precious effort wasted fighting it.

My post, I understand, can be very difficult to understand at first for some, but like breakup verteran said, YOU MUST PRACTICE CONSISTENCY with it constantly in order for you to see what you want. Many people who read it may think I'm acting like a pushover or I give no challenge to the fight by challenging the other person with my own opinions, or I should ALWAYS be honest of how I feel and ALWAYS tell my rejecting lover when I feel that way! What a load of GARBAGE! Compulsive honesty is what we are all brought up upon, and thats why our feelings tell us what to do...(instead of being smart and using our wonderful brains) and quess what, 90% of the time when we succomb to our feelings, we go with what they feel (BUT FOR THE WRONG REASONS) we end up confused and "why did they leave me?" Because you must understand how to control the EGO and communicate what you want in a whole new light. In other words your in FULL control of yourself, but you let them think that they are in control BUT YOU ARE THE ONE RUNNING THE WHOLE SHOW! (the mastermind behind it all)

Please all those who question me and my beliefs, have an open mind to what I'm trying to communicate to you here. I'VE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT TOO! I just see so much pessimistic crap and I'm trying to get you to see that you must be optimistic in your mind to get what you want! Confidence IS EVERYTHING and being secure with YOURSELF is your key to happiness, it's not found else but inside of YOU!

Think about it. When do you hear about someone leaving another person becuase they don't argue with them, are not suspicous of their behavior outside the relationship, are relaxed and don't exxagerate the importance of having them to live in life (becuase YOU actively have your own life and they NEVER have 100% hold on you), and their loved one geniunely agrees with them when the whole world doubts that they are wrong? NEVER!!! thank you, I arrest my case. They will stay with the person because they are not having conflicts with the other's EGO. They fall in love with the other person becuase they rightly believe that their lover will support thier EGO in a positive manner. (by not reasoning with it and letting it be.) Learn to appeal to their EGO and you will go right into their hearts and minds instantly. So do not resist evil...just go with it. Believe and you will see my friends.

[Enn]

What do you do when they've already upped and left though? Do you use NC until they contact you?

 

My ex was horrible to me and just drove off three weeks ago after yet another argument where I complained about lack of affection. Still love him, though he is damaged. I do see how my ego made things worse, mind. Just wish he could be fixed.

[chai714]

What was the name of the book(s) you read?

[milano]

i took the time to read ur post, and i believe the reasoning can be applied to any situation and person no matter how stubborn or prideful. the mind is the greatest muscle we have..if we learn to use it to our advantage we will become powerful, hence; "knowledge is power". i can understand why it seems unnatural to just agree with all of the things ur lover, ex, may say..but if nothin else is workin then why wouldnt one want to try it? in a confrontation we tend to want to get our point accross and are so set on our point of view that we even grow frustrated if we dont get it accross. this is due to the fact taht we all want to be heard and understood, especially women as ive noticed if we can agree and show that we understand someone..they will respect us and feel good that they are being 'heard'. think of it as a debate: two sides desperately tryin to prove their point..rarely do they ever meet at the middle neautral side because they are set with their view and ya aint gonna change it. now if ya agree with them and show that you see their reasoning..you make them feel really good about themselves, and in doin so they feel better about you, am i correct? well if they have no desire to argue anymore..then what is left but to stop? im not clear however if this has worked for yourself..which ya might want to clarify if it made ya get ur ex back as to that is the main goal of most people here

[sleepwalker]

It is called Stop Your Divorce by Homer McDonald

 

SW

[chai714]

Sorry, I should have clarified who the question was directed toward.

 

angelkbfl - What was the name of the book(s) you read.

[cassiana]

When my ex broke up with me he asked me if I had any questions. I said well I don't think theres much point in these situations is there. I did defend our relationship a little while not insulting him. He said that he was shocked that I was upset and even thought that I would take this break-up with as a smile as he always saw me as person with a sunny disposition. I let one tear out and then walked out on him. Could you tell how that might fir in with your theory which I found very interesting.

[angelkbfl]

hi, I apoligize for not replying sooner than you all anticipated.

I'm glad that your interested in my adopted theory, and I can imagine that you must be feeling discouraged and confused of what this NC rule truly implies. But I think that some people in this forum are misunderstanding what NC REALLY means.

NC as far as I can see it, means your disattached emotionally NOT PHYSICALLY from your ex. Your allowing your EGO time to heal from a very bloody NO-WIN battle with your lover's EGO. Not seeing someone physically is a sign of your FEAR of them over YOU. It takes a very strong and assured EGO to allow yourself to not get emotionally caught up when your with this person. and this will FASCINATE THEM because they will see that they do not have 100% hold on you---EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to remember when in their presense.) Your ex-gf obviously cares about you, through contacting you through e-mail, which by the way is GREAT! The only way that no contact works is when your EMOTIONALLY DISSATTACHED to the person. Happy talk and small talk are all the things that you need to assure that your Ex will always be interested in you. BELIEVE me on that one. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG in contacting your ex by telephone, which actually would be more effective then e-mail becuase, They'll HEAR the positivity of your voice right on there on the phone. And the wheels in their heads will begin to turn, ABOUT YOU. Their EGO will DEFINITELY wonder "how the heck did he just get all happy all of the sudden?","Is he really over me just like that?", "there must be something or some secret he knows that I don't know". (and usually people's curiosity GETS THE VERY BEST OF them, and they seek you out to try and find out). So try it, CALL the ex up, but only do so if your able to have a humorous, light-hearted, CHAT. NO seriousness, no sad emotions, NO INTIMADATIONS. Instead, radiate HAPPY emotions! Be so happy and 100% content with how the whole situation stands, because your saying through how you percieve what is going on your life.

really make them believe that things on your side on the tracks are GREENER than hers, NOT by TELLING her BUT SHOWING her through your relaxed attitude and positive way of looking at things in life. Be the strong one, the man that ANY woman would so desire, by acting in what feels most natural and RELAXED to you!

 

Note-They'll in turn, DOUBT their own happiness and go to where the grass is greener, becuase your beaming with more happiness and confidence in your life than they are getting from anyone else. It's not natural if it requires effort on your emotions about your feelings towards a person( that's just wasted energy). as for everything else in life, YOU, use ALL your effort concentrated on yourself to make things happen, ok? doing that will definitely make you percieved to them as a STABLE, OPTIMISTIC and SECURE person!!!

 

So do it, I DARE YOU to make your ex a believer of how awesome you truelly are. JUST REMEMBER...SHOW, do not tell....AND

Do not let them KNOW that she has a 100% hold on you and your emotions.

 

Telling only makes you seem in vain of yourself' Showing, just allows her to unwrap the package herself and be even more intrigued by you as she discovers all on her own, the positive "changes" that you made of yourself...Making you a much better catch to her! (silent confidence... REALLY SCREAMS LOUD!).

 

But as you can see NC means unattached emotions towards that person NOT restricting Physical contact..goodness don't you want them to SEE how wonderful and charming and POSITIVE you have become? You'll instantly be desirable to someone when they see how much control you have over yourself in your life (your overflowing confidence). Just whatever you do DON'T contact your Ex when your feeling depressed, because your SAD emotions will only pressure them to want to get away from you. They'll feel that if they are are around a negative person they will get that way too. The opposite is also the same. If your always happy and postive then they'll WANT NOTHING MORE than to only be with you, becuase of the joy that your life brings that makes them feel AWESOME while they are with you!

 

Please update me on how this works for you, and if you have any questions, you know where to ask!

[angelkbfl]

hi, I apoligize for not replying sooner than you all anticipated.

I'm glad that your interested in my adopted theory, and I can imagine that you must be feeling discouraged and confused of what this NC rule truly implies. But I think that some people in this forum are misunderstanding what NC REALLY means.

NC as far as I can see it, means your disattached emotionally NOT PHYSICALLY from your ex. Your allowing your EGO time to heal from a very bloody NO-WIN battle with your lover's EGO. Not seeing someone physically is a sign of your FEAR of them over YOU. It takes a very strong and assured EGO to allow yourself to not get emotionally caught up when your with this person. and this will FASCINATE THEM because they will see that they do not have 100% hold on you---EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to remember when in their presense.)

 

The only way that no contact works is when your EMOTIONALLY DISSATTACHED to the person. Happy talk and small talk are all the things that you need to assure that your Ex will always be interested in you. BELIEVE me on that one. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG in contacting your ex by telephone, which actually would be more effective then e-mail becuase, They'll HEAR the positivity of your voice right on there on the phone. And the wheels in their heads will begin to turn, ABOUT YOU. Their EGO will DEFINITELY wonder "how the heck did he just get all happy all of the sudden?","Is he really over me just like that?", "there must be something or some secret he knows that I don't know". (and usually people's curiosity GETS THE VERY BEST OF them, and they seek you out to try and find out). So try it, CALL the ex up, but only do so if your able to have a humorous, light-hearted, CHAT. NO seriousness, no sad emotions, NO INTIMADATIONS. Instead, radiate HAPPY emotions! Be so happy and 100% content with how the whole situation stands, because your saying through how you percieve what is going on your life.

really make them believe that things on your side on the tracks are GREENER than hers, NOT by TELLING her BUT SHOWING her through your relaxed attitude and positive way of looking at things in life. Be the strong one, the man that ANY woman would so desire, by acting in what feels most natural and RELAXED to you!

 

Note-They'll in turn, DOUBT their own happiness and go to where the grass is greener, becuase your beaming with more happiness and confidence in your life than they are getting from anyone else. It's not natural if it requires effort on your emotions about your feelings towards a person( that's just wasted energy). as for everything else in life, YOU, use ALL your effort concentrated on yourself to make things happen, ok? doing that will definitely make you percieved to them as a STABLE, OPTIMISTIC and SECURE person!!!

 

So do it, I DARE YOU to make your ex a believer of how awesome you truelly are. JUST REMEMBER...SHOW, do not tell....AND

Do not let them KNOW that she has a 100% hold on you and your emotions.

 

Telling only makes you seem in vain of yourself' Showing, just allows her to unwrap the package herself and be even more intrigued by you as she discovers all on her own, the positive "changes" that you made of yourself...Making you a much better catch to her! (silent confidence... REALLY SCREAMS LOUD!).

 

But as you can see NC means unattached emotions towards that person NOT restricting Physical contact..goodness don't you want them to SEE how wonderful and charming and POSITIVE you have become? You'll instantly be desirable to someone when they see how much control you have over yourself in your life (your overflowing confidence). Just whatever you do DON'T contact your Ex when your feeling depressed, because your SAD emotions will only pressure them to want to get away from you. They'll feel that if they are are around a negative person they will get that way too. The opposite is also the same. If your always happy and postive then they'll WANT NOTHING MORE than to only be with you, becuase of the joy that your life brings that makes them feel AWESOME while they are with you!

 

Please update me on how this works for you, and if you have any questions, you know where to ask!

[cassiana]

Can I just clarify who you are replying to? Well you see im the girl and my ex is the boy. Do you really think its great that my ex emails me? I have kept it very very light, he even complimented me on how funny they were. I was hoping that hed call me though. I also suspect that being a man he sees nothing in my emails and as he plans to travel for 3 months he has no interest in rekindling the romance. Also alot of people have said on this forum that exs aren't exs for nothing and that if you show how improved you are they will wonder what they missed etc. All sound advice but my difference is that we were going fine until he had a panic followed by a relapse of M.E. this has made me waver as to what to do and what to hope for. I'm a determined and hard-working person when I know what the right thing to do is but here I'm bewildered and flip-flop between NC and emails. If I email him am I showing him he still has me, if I don't am I being like all the other people who abandoned him when he got ill. Will I ever feel secure with him?

[ravergrl]

me ex has been calling/texting me every couple of days, we had a messy break up and i moved out last week. i know he is contacting me because i havent contacted him...i decided to not answer him because he treated me badly. in his msgs he says thing to try and provoke a reaction out of me by saying that i never loved him, that im a b*****, and that everything is my fault. i want him back but i dont want to crawl back to him, being an easy option and him thinking he's in control of me-being treated bad again. how i can make him want me again and chase me? if he doesnt have feelings for me and wanted us to "go or separate ways" like he said he wouldnt be calling would he? i see him at work but he has been told not to come near me because it always ends in arguments that affect our work. this method of agreeing and not giving a reation works i think, as the person tries to gain control of our emotions again by being nice. i tried it before, he said that it was the wromg time for us and that maybe when we were more settled in our lives things would be better, next time he called i agreed and happily said that we'd see maybe in a year or maybe 2 if we're both single we could try again. and he changed his mind!! and said not even that, maybe in a couple of weeks we could b back together...the thing is you have to keep up this method even when they come back. my mistake was i got too comfortable to quickly and it was tooeasy for him to walk all over me again.

[SwEeTLiLGuRL]

Sadly my story is not too different from most. Paul was my high school sweetheart and we'd been together almost 6 years, I am now 22. If interested you can read my entire story here...

 

link removed

 

I just know that we are meant to be and I really can't explain how but it's like when I first met him we both just knew, cause you have that feeling of completeness, and your heart feels very full, there isn't anything you wouldn't do for this other person. Gradually though we started argueing a lot about a year after moving in with eachother. Recently the argueing and yelling (from me) got to be too much for my boyfriend and he says that he has gotten to the point where he is fed up, and doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. Now 6 weeks later I am here. I haven't been able to do no contact as we waited til our lease was out on our apartment as of last Monday. So we haven't been under the same roof in just over a week now, even though the break up was 6 weeks ago. We both know our wrong doings and have discussed them and both of us are working towards improving our faults. However I truly believe that this is something that we can work through.

My question about all of this is how am I supposed to apply this to my situation now. We have a lot of loose ends with bills in eachothers names, and cell phones and insurance stuff, so we've had to keep in contact to deal with all this stuff. He calls me to come get some of my stuff from his place and we usually end up messing around. Now my ex says that we can't sleep together but he still wants to mess around. Last night I told him no because that will not do any good for our situation. He is very persistent however, but I stood my ground for the first time. I do want him back dearly and I've been struggling this whole time. How am I supposed to apply this technique to my situation?

[cassiana]

If you are not good enough to date, then you are not good enough to mess around with. hes probably squaring it in his conscience by saying that he isn't sleeping with you.if you want him back you have to show strength, independence and self-respect. Don't let him touch you. If it annoys him, tough, hes annoyed you more.