Back after 6 years

[Fielding Melish]

Apologies in advance for what may be a long story, but I would appreciate any thoughts, insight, etc.

 

I'm 33 and have been with my wife for 6 years. We have a 3 year old son, with another baby due in March. The ex girlfriend in question is the woman I was with for 5 years immediately prior to meeting my wife, and she had broken up with me 6 years ago and immediately found a new guy (whom she married). I had always thought she made a huge mistake, since we were almost about to be engaged, but easy come, easy go. When I met my wife I fell in love with her, and I thought that life would move on, and I've been happy until fairly recently in my marriage.

 

Me and the ex have had no contact for 6 years. Occasionally I would "check up on her", but I also found that I would think about her from time to time, wonder what she's up to, etc. My dad passed away in May, and I got a phone call from the ex. She expressed her condolences, we talked for a bit, and then we said goodbye. The phone call was followed almost immediately by an e-mail, again expressing how sorry she was for my loss. I thought nothing of it, and blew her off (not rudely, but just tried to get the idea accross that life has moved on).

 

Anyway, about 3 weeks later I re-initiated contact via e-mail. We traded a lot of e-mails and a lot of phone calls, and eventually the conversations turned to memories and feelings. We both soon discovered that our respective marriages weren't that happy after all, and soon enough the e-mails and phone calls were very much "I love you" and sharing dreams and fears, of wanting to be back together. That pretty much carried on from the end of August until the beginning of November, and we met quite a few times, had coffee, etc. In the interim, she decided to leave her husband - not for me, but because her marriage was so unbearable and she was so unhappy for so long. She's also admitted, and I believe her, that she feels like she made a mistake walking away 6 years ago.

 

Up until the beginning of November, our feelings for each other were very much mutual. Then I got the "we need to slow down" e-mail. She now tells me that she needs to sort out her life, and I need to sort out mine (even though my marriage is not happy and I'm in love with the ex, the reality is I can't leave my marriage until after the new baby), and that it hurts her too much to have all those feelings for me when I can't be there for her. So now I get a lot of "we can't be together...right now" or "I can't have those feelings....right now". And I truly agree with her, because there is nothing worse than feeling for someone who you can't have all to yourself.

 

But here's the thing - even though the "lovey dovey" e-mails have stopped, and even though we don't see each other as often, I sometimes get text messages or e-mails like "Miss you" or "It was nice to hear your voice". So what I can't figure out is how to read her in the sense of if you are trying your hardest to push away to protect yourself, why say those things to me? And what's up with the "right now"? Plus, when I try to suggest to her that she doesn't forget her feelings and give things time to sort things out, she gets very angry and emotional and tells me that its not fair to her to ask her to feel, that what I'm looking for is a promise from her that she will still love me when/if my life sorts itself out.

 

Anyway, I would have never thought I would still be in love with someone after 6 years of no contact, or that she would feel the same, but there you have it. Thanks for listening

[sasha12]

It sounds to me like she cares about you a whole lot but is stuck with the dilema of knowing that she will not be able to have you for herself because of the situation you are in. It is sad but you are about to have a baby in your present relationship and I'm sure it is hard for her to let go.

[melrich]

Your ex is feeling very vulnerable right now...her marriage has been unhappy and she is separated. It is natural that she would perhaps turn to someone she remembers with fondness but don't confuse it for nore than it is....someone feeling vulnerable and insecure looking for someone to hold on to and help them through this difficult period.

 

I think you are getting into very dangerous territory. You may not be happy in your current marriage but you have to show the maturity to understand that even thinking about launching into a relationship with your ex is probably the biggest mistake you could make. Most professionals will tell you you need a minimum of 1 year and probably a couple of years to get over a marriage of any duration, even if it has been unhappy. Rebound relationships rarely work, and you and your ex will not get back what you had.

 

If this is really the way you want to go, if you really believe you can't stay in your marriage, do the right thing, leave your wife, work on your settlement and maintaining an amicable relationship with your wife (for the sake of the kids as much as anything) and do not have anything to do with your ex for at least a year. see how you feel then.

 

I have been through a divorce (fairly mutual) and i would not wish it on my worst enemy.

[Belle]

I wonder how two people who can't make their marriages work believe that somehow if they get back together and forsake their respective partners they will magically make the next one work?

 

The notion of romance keeps us believing that the grass is greener on the other side but it is not based in reality and doesn't mention anything on the hard truth of working to make a good relationship. There is no guarantee that you will be any happier with this person. After all, you broke up 6 years ago.

 

I think if you decide to do this, you may regret it. You may not. But think long and hard of what you will be doing to your current wife and children. And I like the idea that you stay out of relationships for a year before you make a decision with the ex. That way you'll know that it was meant to be, you will have a clear head and truly know what you want without roller coaster emotions dictating how things turn out. An excess in emotions NEVER helped a relationship run smoothe.

[tiger_lilies]

What about sticking with your wife and being faithful to her???????

 

What about the vows you made to your wife????? "For better or for worse"?

 

My opinion is that you should stop all contact with your ex and yes, sort out your lives...apart from each other. She's confusing you and vise versa. I can only imagine the pain of what your wife must be thinking and feeling.

[Fielding Melish]

Good advice from all, and thanks for that.

 

The reality is that the ex has been a source of confusion throughout all of this. The issues between me and my wife were there before the reappearance a few months back, but suffice it to say that the ex and all that has gone on have complicated things somewhat from my own emotional point of view.

 

My commitment to myself and to my family is to work on things there first, without reference to an ex (or anyone else for that matter). The worst thing in the world would be to not give every effort to my wife and my kids to try and make it better again. If it still comes to an end, at least we can both say we tried and it just wasn't meant to be. But again, that all means taking the ex and whatever feelings may be there out of the equation.

[ownmyown]

You are treading in dangerous waters with the ex of. Have you ever thought that she initiated contact with you because she was unhappy?

 

Seem's as if she manipulated the situation and took advantage of your vulnerability for her own gain.

 

Showing her condolences was acceptable, but the mere fact that you are married with a child and one on the way should have halted further contact with you.

 

Please do not get caught up in her web. If she was unhappy in her marriage, she needs time alone. You would only be a temporary fix.

 

My failed relationship has caused me to reach out to many in my past; guys that I have not thought about in years. I want a familiar love…something comfortable. This is dangerous, and I am using them to make myself feel better. It's wrong.

 

Take some time to enjoy your children and rediscover your wife; you married her for a reason, hopefully it was love.

 

If you are not satisfied in your marriage, move on at the appropriate time.

[Evelyn99]

I recently ran into a former lover from many years ago, and he's been emailing, IMing and calling. We're both married, and he admitted to me that his marriage lacks, and that he's thought of me and the time we had many times over the years. The things he's said have led me to believe that he thinks of me as the one that he should have made sure he never lost - that things would have been much better in his life had things worked out between us.

My marriage, although frustrating at times, is based on mutual love. I know my husband loves me, and I love him. I have to say though, having someone show up saying that they've never forgotten you - even when you're committed to your marriage - is somewhat confusing. I've been alternately sad and angry at him for telling me these things. I want him to be happy with his own wife, but it's flattering and very nostalgic to think back on happy times with the ex.

I can only imagine what this feels like when you're unhappy in your own marriage. It's hard not to think back and remember the good times with the other person and wonder. If you're doubting your relationship to begin with, I think it would be nearly impossible to put in the work necessary with an ailing marriage while you've got someone that you once had a relationship with holding out the promise of something with them. If you've onced loved a person, there's things about them you never forget and they know you well enough to know how to stir you - how to create those emotions again. I think it's very easy to fall into these memories again and idealize what you once had.

However, you've got a kid and a pregnant wife. The demands of children can be so draining on a marriage - it's so hard to keep the romance and excitement in a relationship when you're exhausted and been dealing with baby talk and dirty diapers and crying children and all the stresses that go with parenthood. Add to that being pregnant - it's no wonder this ex looks so enticing right now. Your marriage is very hard work at the moment.

However, I really think you owe it to your family to give it an honest try. If you focus on what could have been, you will never work on what you have. Real life, making a marriage work, is tough. It's not always romance and happiness, and it's easy to remember just that from past relationships. You have a woman that made a committment to you, and now she needs you to stand by your committment. In reality, that is what real romance is all about.

[stomacstress]

You should think about your wife and kids. They are the most important people to you now. And stop all contact with your ex, she will ruin what you have and the life of others...

 

Six years ago, you didn't think of getting back to your ex when you met your wife. Keep thinking the same way. Consider yourself lucky to have what others haven't found yet...

[tiger_lilies]

Bravo Evelyn99, good reply post!