Fielding Melish Posted November 24, 2004 Share Posted November 24, 2004 Apologies in advance for what may be a long story, but I would appreciate any thoughts, insight, etc. I'm 33 and have been with my wife for 6 years. We have a 3 year old son, with another baby due in March. The ex girlfriend in question is the woman I was with for 5 years immediately prior to meeting my wife, and she had broken up with me 6 years ago and immediately found a new guy (whom she married). I had always thought she made a huge mistake, since we were almost about to be engaged, but easy come, easy go. When I met my wife I fell in love with her, and I thought that life would move on, and I've been happy until fairly recently in my marriage. Me and the ex have had no contact for 6 years. Occasionally I would "check up on her", but I also found that I would think about her from time to time, wonder what she's up to, etc. My dad passed away in May, and I got a phone call from the ex. She expressed her condolences, we talked for a bit, and then we said goodbye. The phone call was followed almost immediately by an e-mail, again expressing how sorry she was for my loss. I thought nothing of it, and blew her off (not rudely, but just tried to get the idea accross that life has moved on). Anyway, about 3 weeks later I re-initiated contact via e-mail. We traded a lot of e-mails and a lot of phone calls, and eventually the conversations turned to memories and feelings. We both soon discovered that our respective marriages weren't that happy after all, and soon enough the e-mails and phone calls were very much "I love you" and sharing dreams and fears, of wanting to be back together. That pretty much carried on from the end of August until the beginning of November, and we met quite a few times, had coffee, etc. In the interim, she decided to leave her husband - not for me, but because her marriage was so unbearable and she was so unhappy for so long. She's also admitted, and I believe her, that she feels like she made a mistake walking away 6 years ago. Up until the beginning of November, our feelings for each other were very much mutual. Then I got the "we need to slow down" e-mail. She now tells me that she needs to sort out her life, and I need to sort out mine (even though my marriage is not happy and I'm in love with the ex, the reality is I can't leave my marriage until after the new baby), and that it hurts her too much to have all those feelings for me when I can't be there for her. So now I get a lot of "we can't be together...right now" or "I can't have those feelings....right now". And I truly agree with her, because there is nothing worse than feeling for someone who you can't have all to yourself. But here's the thing - even though the "lovey dovey" e-mails have stopped, and even though we don't see each other as often, I sometimes get text messages or e-mails like "Miss you" or "It was nice to hear your voice". So what I can't figure out is how to read her in the sense of if you are trying your hardest to push away to protect yourself, why say those things to me? And what's up with the "right now"? Plus, when I try to suggest to her that she doesn't forget her feelings and give things time to sort things out, she gets very angry and emotional and tells me that its not fair to her to ask her to feel, that what I'm looking for is a promise from her that she will still love me when/if my life sorts itself out. Anyway, I would have never thought I would still be in love with someone after 6 years of no contact, or that she would feel the same, but there you have it. Thanks for listening Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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