Evelyn99

Thanks everyone for your replies. I still will worry about the gay-bashers. I've got a fair amount of gay/lesbian friends and I've heard too many stories. I had a boss that was severely beaten and put in the hospital just for walking down the street holding his bf's hand. So... I remain concerned on that front. The last poster was particularly helpful. I think you're probably right that there's just more freedom now to act on feelings that wouldn't have been acted on before. If I'm honest with myself, there have been women I've been attracted to, but because of the time I grew up and the fact that I married fairly young, it's never happened with me. I will just have to trust her to make her own decisions on this front. I have to say honestly, that I hope she decides ultimately to commit to a man if she decides to commit herself to a relationship, but it's her decision. Parenting is tough.

It's not at all a question of 'letting her.' It's her sexuality. Me getting in the middle of it trying to allow or disallow would only make it more complex and complicated, and would not be very good for our relationship, either. I guess I'm asking more if anyone here has experienced something similar, and what they found out. Does it seem likely she's really bi, or just confused about intense relationships?

I've got a 19 yr old (almost 20) daughter who has been dating guys all through high school and is now a sophmore in college. She's in a pretty serious relationship with this guy that I really like. I just went up to visit her, and I asked how her best friend and her boyfriend were doing. My daughter kind of hemmed and hawed and then said that the two of them (her friend and bf) were in an 'open relationship' because her friend was seeing someone else. And then she told me that that someone else was her. This surprised me quite a bit because I've never really seen any indication that my daughter would be attracted to another girl. She admitted that she was kind of confused by the entire thing, too - that it'd just started, that it 'probably won't go anywhere' but 'maybe it would' and that this friend was the only girl she's ever even thought of like this. I asked her about her bf, and she said that they were 'very much together' still, and that he actually encouraged her to find out how she felt, that he wasn't threatened, and that he'd be around for her no matter what. (as I said, he's a /great/ guy and really loves her.) So. I guess I'm just trying to figure this all out. I was pretty surprised by my own reaction - my biggest concern for her is the stupid-ass gay-bashers out there, and that she be careful because of them. I asked her to please limit PDA's with her girlfriend, just because of that. I think she's kind of naive about it - in her group of friends it seems to be no big deal at all, but that's not true at all in the wide world. I would really prefer she settles on a guy just because the life is so much easier - if she feels there's an option - and because she's still 'very much' with her bf, it seems as though there is. I guess this is my question. I know in my life, I've become very close to some girlfriends, to the point of feeling as though I've had a crush on them. I've never become sexual at all with them, though. Because bisexuality is /so/ accepted in her group of friends, might it be that she's confusing a very deep friendship/love for something that has to move to the physical? Is there a confusion there of how to handle an intense same-sex relationship? Or can someone really go to age nearly 20 with absolutely /no/ indication of attraction to the opposite sex and then... bang. There it is? She's kind of confused, I think, because she says she's never felt attraction to another girl before.

I've been married for a long time, and it's been good, most of the time. The best thing about being married is that you trust the relationship enough to take the long term for granted. You can commit in ways you wouldn't if you weren't married - children, finances, and, if you're doing it right, with your heart and soul. It's no-holds barred, because you've made the ultimate relationship committment, and when it's rocky, you feel a need to work things out rather than walk. That sounds like a bad thing when you're in the midst of the rocky part, but after you come through it, you know you can do it together. You can trust what you have. Would I do anything differently? I got married rather young - 22. I probably would wait til I was older now, but... who knows. He was going to move, and if I hadn't married him then, who knows what would have happened?

The way he told you, it sounds like he was trying to get a rise out of you, and that's what I'd be annoyed at, I think. As far as getting upset because he's going to a strip club with a bunch of friends? Well... there's probably better things for them to do, but boys will be boys. I wouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill. As long as it's just looking...

I don't know if I'm on target here, but I'll try. Life with small children can get mundane quickly. I suspect that one of the reasons your week long affair was so exciting was that you had a role with a man that didn't include bathing the kids and picking the shirts up from the laundry. Now you're back to all that, and it seems flat and boring. Is it possible that you can dump the kids with a friend or family member and you and your husband go off for a few days alone together? Maybe having a little break in the routine, a little freshness where the two of you can look at each other as lovers instead of as housemates that share a bed will help.

As someone that has played on line games - I assume she's playing role playing games - I know that there are some people that get involved with them that start to have problems separating the fantasy from the reality. They start to believe the things they play in the games. Maybe your wife is one of them, and she's managed to find some others that fall into this as well. I mean... a nineteen yr old? and she's got 5 kids? Someone's slipping into a bit of fantasy here, don't you think? I would suggest counselling with someone that has experience dealing with people with online gaming. I'm not blaming the /gaming/ per se - it can be great fun for those that keep a perspective - but some slip into problems. It really sounds like, despite it all, you want to continue with your wife, and that's why I suggest this.

I recently ran into a former lover from a very long time ago. We had a happy, fun-filled relationship for about a year and a half, then life split us apart, with moves, all that. We parted amicably, and both of us rather quickly entered a new relationship - and we both married those people. I had, through the years, occasionally heard from him, but about 10 years ago, we lost touch until I saw him again about a month ago. It seems life hasn't been all that good to him. His first marriage was a disaster, he was single for a while, and then married again, more, he said, because it was the time in the relationship to do so than any compelling feelings of needing this woman. I have had my ups and downs in my marriage, but I remain committed and my husband dearly loves me, and so it's been mostly ups. I would say that overall, I'm happily married. I was very happy to see this old friend, hoping that we could stay in touch as friends. After all, it's been so many years, and we have some similar interests - there was good reasons why we were close years ago. We still have fun talking together, it's great, interesting conversation. He's told me that's what he wants as well - but he's also 'crossed some lines' I think. He's told me that he believes that the time with me was the best in his life and that he thinks about if things had gone differently. He sent me a cd because it's a performer we both 'discovered' when we were together that has since made it big - which was thoughtful, but then directed my attention to a track on it that was about mourning a lost love. He suggested a movie that was about reunited lovers and told me that it made him think about us. Yesterday, he sent me a file clip he made of old photos of me, set to music. Okay. I'm not stupid - I know these are all warning signs that this man is thinking about me a whole lot more than he should and in ways that he should not. Thing is, he knows I'm married, he knows I'm not about to betray my husband in any way. I told him that I thought that it was sad that he felt this way about me because I would hope that he could have a relationship now that would make him happy - and his response was that he had hoped that it would make me feel good to know that I had meant that much to him. Part of me is saying I should just tell him to stop contacting me. (we live in different parts of the country, so it's not like we've been meeting.) I wonder if it would just be better for him if I cut contact so he could focus on his family - instead of spending an afternoon making video files of his old gf! But on the other side, I'm genuinely happy to be in contact with him again - not for any interest like that on my part, but because of his skills and interests in some of the same things I do, and the terrific feedback and conversation he's giving me. I love the friendship aspect of it, and I really want to keep that. And then part of me wonders if he's just happy to see me again and in his enthusiasum, is being a little silly and it will all settle out when he realizes that we're different people now in different stages of our lives. It would seem, after more than 15 years, we could handle being 'just friends.' Is it sometimes just not possible?

I recently ran into a former lover from many years ago, and he's been emailing, IMing and calling. We're both married, and he admitted to me that his marriage lacks, and that he's thought of me and the time we had many times over the years. The things he's said have led me to believe that he thinks of me as the one that he should have made sure he never lost - that things would have been much better in his life had things worked out between us. My marriage, although frustrating at times, is based on mutual love. I know my husband loves me, and I love him. I have to say though, having someone show up saying that they've never forgotten you - even when you're committed to your marriage - is somewhat confusing. I've been alternately sad and angry at him for telling me these things. I want him to be happy with his own wife, but it's flattering and very nostalgic to think back on happy times with the ex. I can only imagine what this feels like when you're unhappy in your own marriage. It's hard not to think back and remember the good times with the other person and wonder. If you're doubting your relationship to begin with, I think it would be nearly impossible to put in the work necessary with an ailing marriage while you've got someone that you once had a relationship with holding out the promise of something with them. If you've onced loved a person, there's things about them you never forget and they know you well enough to know how to stir you - how to create those emotions again. I think it's very easy to fall into these memories again and idealize what you once had. However, you've got a kid and a pregnant wife. The demands of children can be so draining on a marriage - it's so hard to keep the romance and excitement in a relationship when you're exhausted and been dealing with baby talk and dirty diapers and crying children and all the stresses that go with parenthood. Add to that being pregnant - it's no wonder this ex looks so enticing right now. Your marriage is very hard work at the moment. However, I really think you owe it to your family to give it an honest try. If you focus on what could have been, you will never work on what you have. Real life, making a marriage work, is tough. It's not always romance and happiness, and it's easy to remember just that from past relationships. You have a woman that made a committment to you, and now she needs you to stand by your committment. In reality, that is what real romance is all about.

That's exactly appropriate for someone that's 18.

A few weeks ago, I ran into a former lover from many years ago. Our parents were very much against the relationship because of religious differences and that's why we broke up. We're both married now, and it was very nice to see one another again, catch up a bit. Since then, we've been emailing a little, now and then. He called today. He was nervous. He told me that he's been thinking of me a lot in the past few weeks, and that he misses what he remembers of our relationship. He's not trying to 'get me back' or anything - after all, we're both married and it's been years. He even said that he realizes that the 'me' he remembers doesn't exist any longer. But it's clear he has regrets for letting our families (it was primarily his family) break us up. His current wife is the same religion I am, ironically, so it didn't make a difference after all. During the phone call, he sadly said, "I don't think I should call you anymore" and I answered, "I think you're right." And then he said goodbye. I guess I'm not really asking for advice, I'm just really sad. I had hoped he'd have a happy life. I don't really want him still thinking about me, because I wish him a good, strong relationship with his wife now. He's a good man and he deserves that.

I was one of those women that posted that she liked dark men - and I do. That's what I'm instantly attracted to. But if the perfect /looking/ guy opened his mouth and said nonsense, that'd be the end of it. Personality and brains are much more important. My husband is blond with grey eyes. I think he's very attractive. But let's be honest here. If there's /nothing/ attractive about a guy physically, that would be it. (I'm talking metaphorically here, as I'm quite married now.) As you fall in love with someone, you find them more and more physically attractive, but if there's absolutely nothing there from the start, then chances are, it's not going to progress. Physical attraction is an element that's got to be in a good relationship and I don't really think it's shallow to admit that - I think you're kidding yourself if you don't.

Intelligence. He's got to have a brain and know how to use it. Thoughtful and kind without being all intense and into himself. Able to laugh. Able to take responsibility. Interesting past experiences (travel, for example) Interest in culture - art, music, film - stuff like that. Self-confidence can be very sexy. Looks aren't all that important, but if I'm building my perfect man here, I'd go for dark hair and eyes and a slenderish build. A great smile will do you well here, too. And as we're going perfect, I'm intrigued by interesting accents.

I've got to agree with RayKay. There were lots of red flags in your letter. He cheated on all his other relationships. He has trust issues. He's threatened by your sexuality. And he drinks way too much. I'd be very, very careful if I were you.

I think your biggest problem here is his attitude. If he's decided that he only wants to date people that are committed Christians, then I think you're out of luck. If he's willing to explore the entire faith question with you, then not only will you find something you're comfortable in believing, his beliefs might well be strengthened, too. An unexamined faith is very little faith at all. When I was in college, I dated and fell in love with a man of a different religion. It broke us apart, mostly because of pressure from his family. He married a girl of his faith, but the marriage ended badly, and he eventually married another woman of the same faith I am. I think he has regrets that he let it break us up - not that he's not happy with his current wife - just that he's realized that it's workable to have two different belief systems in a marriage, and that it really wasn't a good reason to break up.

This weekend, one of my teen's friends is moving in to our house with us for at least 3 or 4 months because his parents have beaten him. No one should have to live with that. As I'm pretty involved in all this right now, I can tell you that every school has a counselor that is involved with social services. They will work with the teen, will work with the family, set up counselling, and if that doesn't work, work with the teen to find another place for them to stay. Social services is involved with this family that I'm dealing with, so legally I'm clear. I'm also talking to the parents involved, so it's not like I'm cutting them out. I see my role as giving them a break from one another so that they can try again after they've all had some counselling and can deal with one another from a new place. My daughter has told me about this situation for a while, and this boy has stayed at my house a few times before. He's comfortable here, and feels secure. I guess my advice to you is that there are adults that very much want to help in this situation. I'd start with the counsellor at school, and maybe your parent or a trusted parent of another mutual friend. Your friend will be frightened, but the people he'd talk to would only have his best interests in mind. I encourage you to not only suggest this to him but to go with him, as soon as possible. The abuse won't stop all by itself.

It's really hard when you don't know why. I get the feeling she doesn't really know why either - that she doesn't know how to put the feelings into words and she's confused. I think you're right that it has a lot to do with her move and new job. Here's a gut feel - I might be totally off, but I don't know, because with what you told us, it's all guesswork. Unlike the last poster, I'm not suspicious about a new relationship. I don't think she'd be so broken up about you if that was it. You said that the relationship went quickly, got intense rather fast. I'm wondering if it was the type of thing where all her energy went into the relationship and the rest of her life wasn't really balanced. Then when this move and new stressful job came up, she didn't quite know how to do both - intense relationship vs all this new stuff. She decided it had to be an either/or because she couldn't do both. That's why she's not liking the situation either. The solution, of course, is to show her that she doesn't have to give up one for the other. Your relationship doesn't have to be so intense. There are ebbs and flows as people put their energy elsewhere at times and that's okay - and you understand that. I suspect she thought her emotions were not growing because she was concentrating on the new stuff coming up in her life - that was her focus. And that's entirely normal. Now how to get her to realize that - if, of course, I'm right in this.

Yes, I agree. Please go to a doctor. That's not at all the symptoms of being pregnant, but you could have contracted a STD. I wish you well.

Ziggy, it seems to me that neither of you are really ready to marry. First, you've got an anger management problem, and until you get that taken care of, it's probably not great for you to deal with the stress of a new marriage. If you've slapped her and beat her, she needs to stay away for her own good. Second, neither of you trusts the other. Especially when you live in the UK and her in Vietnam, this is a problem that's really not going to go away. I can read in your letter that you love this woman, but it also seems as though the relationship isn't really a healthy one. As sweet as your desire is to win her back, I am wondering if this is really the best thing for both of you. Mistrust, being disrespectful, beating... none of it sounds like a relationship that should move on to marriage. If you still want this woman in your life, you both have work to do. I suggest telling her that, and telling her solid steps you're going to take to learn how to control your temper and deal with jealousy. Even if it doesn't work out with her, it will be skills you will need in future relationships. Good luck and sorry if this letter sounds harsh.

Smile is right. Focus on her, on what she's saying, listen patiently, smile and nod as she talks. Don't talk so much about yourself. Let her know that you find her genuinely interesting - not as a potential bedmate but as a real person. Ask questions.

I'm confused reading your post. You say that the grandmother made your girlfriend break off with you because she said that she'd sue for custody if she didn't - or at least that's how I understand what I read. You also gave no reason why the grandmother would do this except that she was jealous of the time you spent with the girlfriend and her daughter. Okay, reading that, the grandmother is a control freak who is out to ruin her granddaughter's life. But then you end the letter saying you spend the night 'begging for forgiveness.' For what? What did you do that your girlfriend has to forgive you for? Is there part of the story we're missing?

I'd also like to say that if you're not devoted to the person - if you regret the time you spend with them rather than time with your music or activities, it will only get worse after marriage. That other person deserves your time and energy and also your desire to give them your time and energy. If you can be honest with yourself and know that you'd rather use your time and energy in your music or whatever, that's a very astute insight on yourself that makes a lot of sense. So don't let others pressure you. I'd say don't marry and don't worry about marriage unless you find the woman that you just can't live without.

I think I'd call her again, tell her you'd really like to see her, but that you're confused that she doesn't return your calls. I don't mean in any confrontational way at all - just genuinely telling her what your quandry is, and see how she responds. Nothing wrong with just being honest.

You didn't talk much about your husband and how this affects your relationship with him. Do you love him? You know this relationship is bad news. May I just ask if it's the excitement you crave? The uncertainty? It's a sure thing with your husband and maybe that's a little boring? I don't know. Just a guess here.

So glad I could help. I will certainly keep you in mind and good luck.