Telling if they are with you for the "right reasons"

[Firiel]

So, I fairly recently split with my husband (end of January). I know it's soon, but I've since started seeing a man I've known casually for a couple years. I've still got a lot to work through regarding my previous relationship, a fact about which he's been incredibly understanding.

 

One of the main things that scares me is the reason that I think men date me. One of my positive attributes is seeing the good in most people. I think people can tell I genuinely appreciate them for who they are, and for the people who like me (as friends or otherwise), I think this is one of the things that draws them to me. So basically I think I'm good at building people up, explicitly as well as implicitly, which can help them feel better about themselves.

 

The downside to this is the way it seems to play out in relationships, including my failed marriage. I make people who struggle with self-esteem feel better about themselves. In addition, I'm reasonably attractive as well as financially independent (NOT well-off at all!) and responsible. So I think men stay with me even when they don't really like me because I don't have any immediately visible dealbreakers and because I make them feel better about themselves. This is all fine and dandy until I fall for them and then my personality finally gets the best of me and they leave.

 

So I've found myself worrying about this with new guy, to the point where I have been tempted to be a jerk in certain situations just so I can tell if he's with me because I'm nice or if he actually likes me for my values, sense of humor, way of thinking, etc. of course, I have always decided against following these urges. I don't want to play games, and I shouldn't purposefully become a worse person just because there are inconsiderate/unaware people out there. So I want to know if there are ways to tell if someone is with you for the wrong reasons, red flags that indicate someone doesn't necessarily like you but rather likes the way you make them feel about themselves.

[cali123]

I think I would decide this based on the way they treat me. Do they support my dreams and seem concerned about me in general? When I talk about myself (my day, my thoughts, my goals, etc) do they seem interested and focused on the conversation, or are they playing on their phone or zoning out? Do they do little considerate things for me, like bring me a glass of water if I ask or text just to see how my day is going? Do they ask me for money or loans? Do they need a lot of "fixing" or building up? Do we spend a lot of time talking about his problems/low self esteem, etc? Does this person treat me with respect and courtesy? Do they make comments about my income or seem insecure, especially if I spend time with other people? Do they undermine my decisions about my own life?

 

Just some things off the top of my head. I think time will out the truth in this kind of situation. Sometimes we pick partners who can give us the positive parenting we may have missed growing up. Or ones that mirror the negative parenting we had. This is subconscious. So I would be wary of broken little birds, men with chronic insecurities. I would also look to see if I confuse pity with love. I have fallen into that trap many times. I thought the only way I could feel needed or show my love was to HELP a man fix his life. No one is perfect, and we all have our issues. But if that person is not taking responsibility for those issues, it's a dealbreaker.

 

Also maybe worth thinking about, we are vulnerable after a divorce. Some people may exploit that. Make sure you are truly ready to invest in another relationship right now. If you're questioning someone's intentions, it might be an idea to take a step back temporarily to get some perspective. Listen to that quiet place within.

[iamkaylee]

Firiel, I've always found it more helpful to think about the reasons why I am with someone over the reasons why they are with me. In the end, it doesn't really matter why someone chose to be with us, so long as we are in a happy, mutually beneficial relationship. When things aren't quite right, speculating about their reasons can take us in the wrong direction or lead to overthinking and wondering about what might be wrong with "us" rather than seeing things for what they are. I prefer to think about what I need and want from a relationship and what I am putting into it / giving the other person. Looking at it this way, I've found that I'm happier and feel more free in a relationship. I have much lower/fewer expectations, can clearly state what's working and what's not. I also find myself more willing to give to the relationship and accept the other person's efforts or walk away when it's clear the situation will not work for me.

[Justnotsure]

I think that being a "nice" person who makes others feel good about themselves is a great trait; what's wrong with that being one the reasons that he wants to date you? The fact is, if he's a "nice" guy - that should be reciprocal in the relationship. I see the logic of "I want him to like me, not what I DO for him" -- however, I think you may be pulling in some of your stuff from your previous relationship. If this guy isn't a selfish jerk, he can appreciate that quality about you, but not take advantage. He can also understand that there are times that you won't be "perfect" -- and still like the whole you, not just the person who is always giving. So - I'd work less on changing this about yourself, and more on making sure you're with people who are not selfish.

[SapphireNoir10]

I'm a 'nice' person but I also stand up for myself where I need to. My fiance likes me for who I am. I'm sure there are parts he doesn't like.

 

I think you should try and relax and see how things go with this new guy.

 

The way B behaved is not a reflection on your or your personality. He took advantage of your good nature, but not all people are like that.

[Firiel]

Thank you all for the thoughtful insight!

 

cali, I like the idea of looking at actions. And really, my guy has been great about all of that. I just worry because I've been with guys that are great in those ways before (and not just my ex-husband... this seems to be a pattern for me). Guys treat me wonderfully and seem so happy to be with me. Then, once I fall for them, they just... stop. It's like they just lose interest in me. And that's totally reasonable and okay. That happens. But they stay with me for some reason (I'm speculating it's because I make them feel good... a free pick-me-up when they need it). And I talk to them about it, and they deny anything is different, but then they cheat on me or start choosing video games over date nights or whatever. And that behavior doesn't reflect that nothing has changed. I just wish I could tell earlier, before I actually fall for someone, if they really like me for me.

 

Justnotsure, I really love that trait about myself, which is what makes this whole situation sticky. I'm not going to change it because I don't want to. I just don't know how to make sure that I'm with someone who deserves it. I really want a man who appreciates my support and my "niceness." I just also want someone who likes spending time with me and appreciates other aspects of me like my quirkiness, my work ethic, and my silliness. Most of the guys I've been involved with (ex-husband excluded) were, I suspect, not even taking advantage of me intentionally. They were just too passively selfish to end things, I suppose. Or that's the best way I can think to describe it.

 

iamkaylee, I like the idea of thinking of myself more in relationships, even in regards to thinking of the other person. Instead of "what do they need?" it would be "what am I capable/willing to give?" That's definitely something I don't do, and have never done. I wonder if couching things for myself in those terms early on would reveal to me earlier if things are going to end up badly. I do struggle with never thinking about what I need... and never expressing it either. My marriage didn't help with that as I was conditioned that my needs/desires were never listened to anyway. I've been more assertive with new guy, but still should probably be more steady on what I want and need, just for future relationship stability.

 

Sapphire, while I know intellectually that not everyone is like B, I have this fear of attracting the same type of man over and over again. I'm worried that I'll never learn to balance being "nice" with loving myself. In fact, I have this whole list of "red flags" about new guy that include some pretty ridiculous things like him not leaving when I asked one night (this was not him belligerently not leaving... this is him almost falling asleep on my couch and then sleepily wandering to my room instead of out the door). I am really trying to relax and let things flow... but dang it, it's hard!