Can't stop thinking about her; can't move on

[JSHRN]

It's been 6 weeks since my ex and I broke up. I'm still extremely devastated by this and still can't believe that it happened. I have allowed myself to grieve (I cry every day). I can't stop thinking about her and what I thought we had together. When we were dating she was separated from her husband and had no intentions of going back (she had already talked to divorce attorneys). She broke up with me by text message and basically said "I can't live a lie with you anymore. I need my husband and family too much to continue this. I want your friendship but our relationship is over". I was stunned because this came completely out of the blue and was totally unexpected. She said that she had an epiphany and realized that what she was doing to her family was wrong. A few weeks after we broke up she sent me a text that asked if I was interested in having an orgy with her, a woman from work and the woman's husband. She also asked if I would have an orgy with her and a guy she recently met at her yoga class and had been fantasizing about. I was completely heartbroken (more than I was previously) because she broke up with me to work on her marriage. Now, she's already thinking about cheating on her husband. I'm really hoping that this is just a fantasy of her's and that she doesn't carry it out. I know it's not something I should worry about now, but it has totally consumed me. I'm devastated enough that we broke up but the thought of her having an orgy really turns my stomach and breaks my heart. If she's working on her marriage why would she even suggest this?? This has me totally sad and heartbroken. I've tried to keep myself busy but I've lost interest in pretty much everything. Outside of work I literally don't have any friends. I tend to isolate myself (and have done so more lately). I'm incredibly sad and this is honestly getting harder for me to deal with. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm struggling with this and can't seem to move on because I'm always thinking about her. If I felt she was strictly back with her husband I would still be devastated but would feel ok that she was back with her family and children. However, if I felt she was going to be with someone other than her husband (after she said sher was working on her marriage) - that's the part that's killing me, tearing me apart and making me an emotional wreck.

 

Thought?

[hopelessincan]

I'm pretty sure you've already been told by multiple people here, but that chick is missing a few screws. You need to delete her from your life. She doesn't deserve a second thought. Get out and do things for yourself and meet someone else. You wouldn't be happy with her in the end.

[sharky988]

It was a 4 month affair with a married woman who, based on your past posts, was looney as a tune.

 

Try and keep some perspective about the extremely short length of time you were actually involved with her -- and also about the fact that this woman is, at the very least, mentally unstable and more likely extremely ill -- and possibly a substance abuser as well.

 

People have suggested you get another job so you don't have to be in contact with her anymore. Any movement on that front?

[JSHRN]

People have suggested you get another job so you don't have to be in contact with her anymore. Any movement on that front?

 

I have been at my current job (as a nurse) for 11 1/2 years, make an excellent salary, with a good benefit package and retirement plan so I would hate to give all that up and start over again someplace else. I have options to work on other units as well. She has been looking for another job but apparently has had no luck because she's still working here. I'm really struggling that I can't shut her out of my mind. I have been through breakups in the past but this is by far the hardest to get over.

[sharky988]

I have been at my current job (as a nurse) for 11 1/2 years, make an excellent salary, with a good benefit package and retirement plan so I would hate to give all that up and start over again someplace else. I have options to work on other units as well. She has been looking for another job but apparently has had no luck because she's still working here. I'm really struggling that I can't shut her out of my mind. I have been through breakups in the past but this is by far the hardest to get over.

 

Look into working on other units, then -- and you can also start looking for another job as well.

 

This woman is CRAZY and she's not going to go anywhere. She's getting off on the attention and drama you provide. As a nurse, you must have SOME insight into this woman's mental health.

[JSHRN]

She said I knew she was unstable and emotionally unavailable when we met and began dating. But I didn't force her into anything. We were 2 consenting adults. I didn't find her emotionally unavailable when we began dating because, if so, I thought she would have backed off and just wanted a friendship. Now, however, I see how truly unstable and wacked out she is by her messages a few weeks ago (I have blocked her number and ignore her at work). In the beginning of the relationship I saw some hints that she wasn't totally into the relationship but, as time progressed, we were "on the same page". Now I realize we obviously weren't and I was "played". It wasn't a genuine relationship. It would have been trouble and only more heartbreak for me if we stayed together. Even so, I can't seem to get her out of my mind. Why?? (In past relationships I was able to move on relatively quickly. This one's a different story). Why??

[sharky988]

But DO YOU understand that she's mentally ill?

 

The fact that you feel so attached to someone who's completely unavailable would make me personally question WHY? Did you have an alcoholic or abusive parent? There's definitely some kind of payoff in it for you that you might want to explore with a therapist.

 

Just remember: missing her doesn't mean you were "meant to be". It doesn't mean anything. You can't get her out of your mind because you're still working with her, she continues to contact you, and obviously there are some psychological buttons being pushed for you by being involved with someone who likely has a personality disorder.

 

As a nurse, you understand what a personality disorder is, right?

[JSHRN]

But DO YOU understand that she's mentally ill?

 

The fact that you feel so attached to someone who's completely unavailable would make me personally question WHY? Did you have an alcoholic or abusive parent? There's definitely some kind of payoff in it for you that you might want to explore with a therapist.

 

Just remember: missing her doesn't mean you were "meant to be". It doesn't mean anything. You can't get her out of your mind because you're still working with her, she continues to contact you, and obviously there are some psychological buttons being pushed for you by being involved with someone who likely has a personality disorder.

 

As a nurse, you understand what a personality disorder is, right?

 

 

 

Mentally ill in what way? Obviously, I realize that she's making totally bizarre, irrational, irresponsible statements for someone who is "working on her marriage".

 

What do you mean by "payoff in it for me"?

 

No, I did not have an alcoholic or abusive parent.

 

The more I think about it, given her bizarre, irrational, irresponsible statements from someone who is supposedly "back in love with her husband" and is "working on her marriage" she appears to be borderline personality, somewhat narcissistic, only concerned about her needs and screw everybody else's feelings. Doesn't care who she hurts in the process as long as her selfish needs are met. Just totally bizarre statements. I never really thought of it as a mental illness. Just thought she was someone who was stressed about an impending divorce, struggling to maintain her children in her life, tyrying to balance a relationship with me, and trying to keep it all together. Should I be suprised the relationship ended?

[sharky988]

Yeah, I think you're dealing with a personality disordered individual.

 

The reason I ask about your parents is because, psychologically, there's a reason why we're drawn to certain partners. If you had a mentally ill or alcoholic parent, that would explain why you'd feel so drawn to someone like her. That would be the "payoff" for you.

[JSHRN]

What are your thoughts about her previous statements that I took advantage of her, manipulated her, brainwashed her, violated her, forced my way into her heart when she was in a vulnerable state, etc. She claims she was in a "fog" at the time because she was drinking and taking xanax to help her cope and she didn't know what she was saying or doing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but unless you're drinking 24/7 and popping pills like they're candy that's not a valid argument. Also, she claims the amazing sex we had further clouded her judgement because she was "addicted to my ****, loved the way she felt when we had sex and claims the "endorphins, dopamine and serotonin" were clouding her judgement. Said that's how I took advantage of her. Valid argument??

 

At sharky988, how do you see her as personality disordered? Ever heard of anything like this before?

[sharky988]

Everything you described her saying and doing sounds like a textbook Borderline to me. I don't say this lightly, I have a Borderline relative and I know first-hand what a serious condition that is.

 

The overly-dramatic behavior and language, the sexual flattery, the playing the role of victim, the paranoia -- all of it!

[JSHRN]

At sharky988....do you think her claims that alcohol, pills, sex, endorphins, dopamine, etc. clouded her judgement? She has used that excuse repeatedly since we broke up. Does anyone believe that she truly didn't know what she was saying or doing? Does anyone believe she was in a fog and that I brainwashed her?

[sharky988]

The things she's telling you are bizarre and point to a mental illness.

 

Pretty much everyone who's read your posts has had the reaction that this woman isn't normal. There's really no point in arguing with the logic of someone who's irrational and not all there.

 

I couldn't say if she really believes what she says is true or if she's trying to twist things to manipulate you. When you're dealing with a Borderline you're not dealing with a normal person's reality.

[JSHRN]

The things she's telling you are bizarre and point to a mental illness.

 

Pretty much everyone who's read your posts has had the reaction that this woman isn't normal. There's really no point in arguing with the logic of someone who's irrational and not all there.

 

When you're dealing with a Borderline you're not dealing with a normal person's reality.

 

 

Since the breakup I've seen a totally different side of her personality. (Some minor things were present during the relationship but nothing to the extreme they are now). It's interesting when you say "not dealing with a normal person's reality. There were times during the relationship when I really began to question her behaviors as being normal for someone who was in a relationship. She always told me to be "patient and understanding" while she worked through things. Sadly, I now see that this was a bigger part of her personality than I first suspected. I can now see why she had a couple of affairs and why her husband emotionally checked out years ago. She has freely admitted to destroying people's lives (including her husband's and children's a few times) for her own personal satisfaction and selfish reasons. (but now says she's done doing that - that she's committed to working on her marriage). Seriously?? I laughed when I heard that because her words don't match her actions. Totally disappointed. I wish I had gotten out of the relationship when some red flags were there but I was really into her and thought, in time, that things could work. Instead, I held on, got emotionally connected, fell in love with her and had my heart broken.

[PICCOLLO]

I think if you're struggling to move on then a job change despite loss of income might be good for you. Money isnt everything. I did something similar and don't regret it. Happiness is priceless.

I also agree with other posters: this woman is not 'all there' and not someone you should remain involved with. Her behaviour will continue and you should remove yourself from a toxic situation.

[Ms Darcy]

I think people really need to stop diagnosing someone as Borderline.

 

I would just say maybe you should focus on job hunting and not obsessing about stuff she said.

 

And stop dating married women!

[sharky988]

I think people really need to stop diagnosing someone as Borderline.

 

I think people really need to stop telling people what *not* to do when trying to help someone who is missing major red flags for a serious mental illness!

 

None of your business, imo.

[JSHRN]

She just confronted me at work and asked me to please stop telling people about what happened to us because it "makes her look bad". People at work have already figured it out on their own by now because we don't talk to each other at all or hang out, so it's pretty obvious we had a falling out. Asked me stop pretending like I'm the broken hearted one because she's the "victim", not me. When I asked her about her ridiculous comments that I'm "controlling, manipulative and that I brainwashed her" she stormed out of the room.

[sharky988]

If you chose to stay at your current job, you'll have to deal with her theatrics.

[JSHRN]

If you chose to stay at your current job, you'll have to deal with her theatrics.

 

 

I agree. The drama she displays lately is actually becoming comical. I never approach her or have anything to say to her - I keep my distance. She always has to confront me with a "you did this" or "you said that". For someone who was supposedly "head over heels crazy about me", she now seems embarrassed that we even had a relationship and seems even more pissed off that people now know about it.

 

I really don't see her theatrics ending. It's interesting to see how she's done a major personality change and appears to be a completely different person than the one I was with.

[sharky988]

I really don't see her theatrics ending. It's interesting to see how she's done a major personality change and appears to be a completely different person than the one I was with.

 

They're just two sides of the same coin. A Borderline will split you all-white -- making you feel you're the ultimate love of her life/greatest lover..... and then she'll split you all-black, turning you into the ultimate villian. It's all nonsense and generated by mental illness.

[JSHRN]

They're just two sides of the same coin. A Borderline will split you all-white -- making you feel you're the ultimate love of her life/greatest lover..... and then she'll split you all-black, turning you into the ultimate villian. It's all nonsense and generated by mental illness.

 

That's exactly it. I'm seeing a completely different side of her anymore that I didn't see during the relationship. When she confronted me today she said she stills by the fact that she was in a fog and didn't know what she was saying or doing in the relationship because I controlled. I told her to give it a rest already because it's total bull. She also said maybe if I acted like myself at work that we could be friends! Told her that's not possible. Just more nonsense.

[sharky988]

For your own sake, I wouldn't engage with her anymore. Let her hurl her accusations or spin her wheels, but don't engage. You don't have to explain yourself or justify your actions. If you only meet her with a tolerant smile and she stops getting an emotional charge out of you, she WILL get bored and disappear.

 

People with personality disorders are only in it for the ATTENTION you give them. That's their achille's heel. If you stop reacting, they go away.

[amy8177]

The fact that she asked you if you wanted to have an orgy is answer enough that she sees you as an object and not as a human. She never was emotionally available to begin with and the fact that she is married and cheats on her husband is enough to suffice what others have been saying.

 

She is completely and I say this with certainty, mentally ill and unstable.

 

She is behaving in a reckless manner. Those who behave in a reckless "I don't give a hoot" kind of attitude usually are severely depressed and she may possibly hate herself.

 

People who love themselves usually love others. It kind of goes hand in hand. When you are able to identify and love and see good qualities in yourself, it's easier to respect, love and admire others.

 

She clearly cannot and will not love others because of her self hate.

 

Also, I believe you are sticking up for her because you are unable to love yourself either.

[JSHRN]

Also, I believe you are sticking up for her because you are unable to love yourself either.

 

I don't see where any of my posts reflect that I'm "sticking up for her".

 

I do love myself. But, because of this incident, I'm unable and unavailable to love anyone right now.