Is it over??? Please help...

[just1girl]

Hello everyone - sorry this is long but I had to list the major points:

 

Our relationship began in early July after a month of dating… we are both divorced, 30 years old and have both been cheated on within our previous relationships. While we were just "dating" even though we were together everyday, he put hickeys on his brother's 20 year old girlfriend… he says there was never anything between them, yet I have found emails back and forth between the two of them signed Love, so and so… and a picture that you could immediately tell there was a more-than-friendly connection between the two of them. After we confirmed our "relationship" I found out about the hickeys, but he explained that this had happened before we were official so I couldn't be upset by it – although it sure felt like betrayal to me. I also continued to find singles dating sites where he updated these sites with pictures taken from our trips together. . Each time I found one, he'd swear that was all he had up, until I found more. This happened about three times. He also informed me that his ex-girlfriend (whom he lived with for 2 years and had just split up with approximately 6 months prior) was his hair-dresser and that he will continue to go to her – but to trust him because it was a platonic relationship.

 

I had a hard time believing this but he asked me to trust him while he went to get his hair done. He promised me he'd call the second he was done and we'd go eat dinner. His appt was at 5:30 after work. So, I trusted, until there was no phone call until 8:50 pm. When the call came in he told me he was on his way and that he had a surprise for me – that he wasn't wearing any underwear. Hmmm…. Interesting. When he arrived at my house (yes, his hair was done) his phone rang and it was her asking if he made it home ok. (Platonic??? – yea, whateva!!!) He claimed at this point that the haircut ran late and he just got done… and they sat IN THE SALON and drank a beer together. Needless to say I knew this was a lie - no hair appointment goes on until almost 9 at night. Well, yes, he was wrong – but so was I. I had waited, worrying that the worst was gonna happen and sometime after 8:15 or so, I KNEW. I can be very vindictive, and I was not going to let him make a fool of me by having me wait for him while he was with her. So, yeah, I had my ex-boyfriend come over. I was going to have sex with him to get back at my boyfriend for doing the same thing. Well, as it turned out, I couldn't do it. I was too upset and angry that he had done this to me that I ended up having to smoke – and that's when the phone call came in from my boyfriend saying he was on his way. I kicked the ex out and felt guilty that I had even had the ex over, but did not tell him until just recently.

 

As time went on we decided to move in together, which is where we're at now. I am not allowed to chat on-line, I am not allowed to talk to my guy friends, and I've changed my phone number so they can't call – because my b/f gets irate. We are arguing all the time now over all this. He goes out to lunch on a weekly basis with a female co-worker that he's friends with. I encourage him to do this – I think it is important to have people of the opposite sex as friends… but yet I can not even talk to my guy friends. He is so jealous and irrational – saying that I need to be in this relationship 100% and that I'm not because of my interaction with my male friends. We have been arguing for almost 2 weeks straight and when I try to defend my point of view he says I'm "psycho." We were recently honest with each other about what had happened the night of the haircut – they went out to a bar together, ate pizza, drank beer and had flirtacious body-language back and forth and at the end of it all, she asked him to go home with her. He says he told her no, and left and came to me… Yea, whateva!!! I confessed as well, telling him about my ex coming over and he immediately called me a cheater, etc etc etc… but told me he could "get over it" that we were "worth it" and wanted to work it out. BUT we've been arguing for 2 weeks straight – EVERYDAY – most times until 1:30am or more!!! I've broken up with him over 3 times already – and I'm at the point where everything he's doing pisses me off, I think that if I hear "if you love me, you wouldn't talk to other guys" one more time I'll scream. How do I make him understand that these are just my friends and no threat to him??? How do I get him to realize he's suffocating me? To shed some positive light to all of this, he and I used to get along wonderfully, we have a lot in common and have fun together… Is this relationship over? Is it fixable? What can I do to help it? We have both been hurtful towards each other, but we still both care about each other and he insists he loves me very much and that this relationship is worth all the hard work. Sorry this turned into a novel, but does anyone have any thoughts? I'm just so sick of fighting…

[OnceAgain]

You have to change your life just for him and yet he's still doing whatever he pleases? My marriage was like that and I couldn't do anything with my life except be there to please him. Everything and anything was for him. If I asked just for one thing, be in to buy a nice dress or whatever, he'd ask, well what can I get out of this. Well, guess what??? He had an affair and now I'm completely heartbroken.

 

After I found out, I felt so guilty at myself because I let him control me. I let him change me to fit his lifestyle. I used to be a strong independent and successful person but after I found out about his affair, I felt my life was meaningless and it was all my fault because I let him control me. Get out of this relationship if you can. I would hate for you to turn out like me.

[kltx]

DUMPP HIM!!!!! He doesn't love you. I've been on the receiving end of a cheater. Don't let anyone sweet talk you with any excuses. Too many people let themselves get sucked into that.

[catgirl82]

it doesnt sound right to me that your boyfriend has so much control in your life. in fact, he sounds a little emotionally abusive. you seem miserable and the only way to make him happy is for you to be miserable. im not sure if there is any way to save this relationship unless he has a serious wake up call and changes his controlling ways. do you think this behavior is just a phase? you said you didnt have problems before, thats so strange- why do you think he's acting like this now? i think you definetly need to break up or at least take a break. is there anywhere you can move to for a little while? i think some time apart is definetly in order because you need to get your life back to where you were happy.