My journal

[chuckee]

I found a really helpful answer on Quora about grieving.

 

A few excerpts:

 

"Grieving is not about making it end as quickly as possible. Grieving is an essential human process and it should be embraced, not ignored or expedited. As Steve Jobs said, "Death is very likely the single greatest invention of life." It's life's change-agent and you should think about grief as the environment in which change happens."

 

I can tell you that grief does not go away. The intensity of grief may change over time and the characteristics of grief you experience change as well.

 

Seasonal - from what I've experienced I can say that grief has a periodicity to it. The seasonality of grief during the Holidays is a common example.

 

Imperceptible yet influential - grief will be most acute early on. The pain will subside as time goes and the grief itself may momentarily pass. Yet the loss and grief you experienced will continue to influence who you are and what you do imperceptibly in the future. In my case grief influenced me in the form of achievement. The loss was too much for me to handle as a kid so at one point my mind made the decision that it was going to turn off the grief switch and turn on the achievement switch and I went on to spend the next 19 years trying to accomplish everything I could.

 

Interminable - pretty much everyone on this thread has said it, including myself, but I'll say it again. The grief will not go away entirely. It will become much more manageable with time and with effort. Expect that the grief will disappear and reappear throughout your life. That's the natural state of things. People are meant to form close bonds with one another and have loving relationships. We're built for it whether you want to call it a divine gift or biological evolution. So along with love you should expect grief. It's a part of the human condition.

 

I'm developing a more grounded approach to life in that I don't feel as pressured to always be succeeding (it wears you down!), and I can feel that I'm emotionally maturing to a point that will set me up for meeting someone and starting a family of my own someday.

 

Don't think about how quickly you can get the grief over with and don't think you can avoid it either. Grief will surface one way or another. It is best that you approach grief as a healthy process and one that produces change that prepares you for the next phase in your life.

[chuckee]

I think that the grief and pain that I caused was not worth it over having or not having two kids. I should have happily agreed to that if only she could make the sacrifice to move to California. That was the big mistake.

 

I wonder if it's too late. I wonder now if I agreed and was excited about having two kids and she agreed to move to California... would I feel safe enough? Would there be too much drama for me? Could we make each other happy. I think we could have.

[chuckee]

But the thing is, now I'm having trouble dating any women who want children because if I do that, then why did I not just agree to kids with her and avoid all that pain, confusion and heartache?

[chuckee]

A friend was surprised when I said that she still has a big piece of my heart. But she does. I still think of her often and probably will for a while. We probably could have worked things out.

[chuckee]

Hope that she is staying warm, it must be cold there today.

[chuckee]

I think it was the wrong lesson to take away that just because it didn't lead to a good outcome once that honesty isn't the best policy. I'm proud that I answered her honestly and accept the results of it.

 

It was so nice trading holiday card notes with her.

[chuckee]

It's almost been a year. Hard to believe.

[chuckee]

I'm still not sure that I've met the kind of girl I'm looking for or how to know exactly. I am in the awkward and unusual position now of having multiple girls who seem interested in me. But I'm not clear still on what's most important. I think it's got to be how effectively we interact and solve problems. That romance feeling and how kind she is towards me and how empathetic, how she makes me feel has to be most important as well. But these are things that you can't tell from only a few dates. Then once you're in the relationship long enough to tell you start to feel very attached and want to just make it work regardless of the difficulties. So then there's really no way to tell before you're fairly committed.

[chuckee]

I heard that she had bronchitis and just wish that she feels better and takes care of herself. If I were there I'd make her sleep more and get more rest.

[chuckee]

I had a dream last night and there were several paintings there in front of me. I had the feeling that they represented future versions of my life. Except I just couldn't decide between them. Sometimes I still miss her strongly and wonder what our life together would be like now.

[chuckee]

I have gotten myself into a bit of a corner now. I've been cautiously dating, but hesitant to commit due to the pain that I now know can follow and not knowing exactly what is most important to look for. There was an interesting article that niceness and agreeableness were two of the most important characteristics found to be linked to marital success.

 

There is one girl who is interested in me who is extremely nice to me, empathetic, and very easy to get along with and laugh with. However, she's not been very successful so far in her career and is not from a strong academic background. I'm not sure this should matter. I feel she is intelligent, she's just from a poor area/family and has overcome a lot of obstacles. She also does not want children and wants to travel and to get into philanthropy one day. She's an entrepreneur and is passionate about education.

 

There is another girl who has expressed some interest who is also very kind, nice but not quite as empathetic and doesn't make me laugh as much. However, she has a very good career and educational background. Yet, despite this, I have some lingering feeling that she is not that smart. Sometimes she makes comments about things that really make me wonder. Being from a wealthy family she's been given a lot of advantages but is still humble/frugal nonetheless. She shares my vision for philanthropy and is on track with her career to have her own foundation one day. Yet she wants children (one at least) and thinks it's possible to do it all, entrepreneurship, children, take care of aging parents and build a non-profit. I would feel terrible agreeing to have children given my previous relationship was hurt by this issue. I'm also still not sure that I want that lifestyle. There are many ways to leave a legacy.

 

I must make a decision one of these days. I cannot start to date both of them obviously.

[chuckee]

What if I've made a huge mistake and I'm meant to be with her afterall? What if I could get her back and make it work? What if that were possible? There was an ease and naturalness and understanding between us. There was some kind of fit in certain ways that isn't there with other girls. If we were still together today it would be another few years of long distance as it sounds like she was renewed. But we could overcome anything if we really set our minds to it.

 

Oh god, oh god, oh god. What have I done? What have I lost? If niceness and agreeableness are keys to marital success, she certainly had those elements. What if we could stop triggering each other's fears and issues?

 

Calm down, calm down, it's going to be ok. I must get more disciplined about meditating and relaxing each day.

[chuckee]

After meeting and having dinner with Fred Luskin recently I've been reading his book which he gave me a copy of recently. Wish I'd come accross this stuff sooner. Better late than never I suppose.

 

 

[chuckee]

I think I should just recognize and acknowledge that I'm going through an extremely difficult time right now (and have been for a while and am probably getting drained from that). That I've made a number of mistakes over the past couple of years on many fronts and that I have to try to be more mentally tough (and laugh more too) and dig myself back up out of it before the damage gets too bad.

 

At least I'm meditating more these days and that seems to help some.

[chuckee]

I realized I only write when I'm very panicked and under a lot of stress, which I have been a lot recently. She was right, laughter is very important alongside meditation. I'm trying to fit in a Daily Show or something that makes me laugh. She always thought that wasn't silly enough laughter, but I think I've got to go with whatever works for me right now and fits my style.

[chuckee]

I saw our mutual friend today so she will probably tell her all about how I am doing. But she doesn't know and so won't tell her how much I miss her, how much I've learned from her about the importance of laughter and silliness, and how often I still wish we could have made it work and wish that she was here with me now. How much I appreciate now the great balance that she has between sweetness, kindness, empathy and ambition.

 

I'm sure she's moved on though and since she's so smart, attractive and has a good job I'm sure she was pursued by a lot of guys and has found a great one by now. The next news I hear from her will probably be that she is married. That will be a very sad day for me though I will try to be happy for her.

[chuckee]

I noticed that there is a faculty and staff help center. Maybe I should think about stopping by there if my own self-help work doesn't do the trick.

 

I initially thought it was outrageous when she said I had a problem with commitment. But maybe it's true. It would make sense - child of divorce, having gone through his own problems keeping relationships together. Of course I'd start to have problems committing in that circumstance. But how to fix it?

[chuckee]

This is crunch time for the tenure process. I absolutely have to get papers out and R&Rs back in these days. My to-do list has gone from crazy to out of control. I'm struggling with a lot of feelings of being overwhelmed and losing hope/interest. I have to fight it off. I have to keep from being burnt out but yet keep at a high level of productivity. Yet I'm still heartbroken. How to manage? How to cope with it most effectively? How to keep laughing and keep some amount of silliness still?

[chuckee]

I have to start getting more strategic and create a plan for my personal/family life. Otherwise work life will just take over.

 

What are my options now? Concretely, what can I do?

 

1. Get her back...somehow. It would take a huge effort and massive gesture at this point and it might not even work then.

2.

3.

4.

5.

 

To be edited later.

[chuckee]

The junior faculty years just seem to get busier and more stressful each year. I wonder if she's experiencing that as well, or maybe she's just so on top of things that she's not worried about tenure at this point.

 

Part of me hopes it is the later. The other part of me hopes that it's the former and that she has some greater understanding and sympathy of the great amount of stress I was under and why I couldn't handle it very well when things weren't going well with us.

 

1. Get her back...somehow. It would take a huge effort and massive gesture at this point and it might not even work then.

 

Advantages:

 

Disadvantages:

 

2. MIT alumni girl -

 

Advantages:

 

Disadvantages:

 

3. SFSU girl -

4. workout/lawyer girl -

5. Try to find someone new/more ideal

 

To be edited later.

[chuckee]

1. Get her back...somehow. It would take a huge effort and massive gesture at this point and it might not even work then.

 

Advantages:

 

Disadvantages:

 

2. MIT alumni girl -

 

Advantages:

 

Disadvantages:

 

3. SFSU girl -

 

advantages:

 

Disadvantages:

 

4. Visiting scholar girl -

 

Advantages:

 

Disadvantages:

 

5. Try to find someone new/more ideal

 

To be edited later.

[chuckee]

Overall, this feels a little callous/calculating. Shouldn’t love be about feelings and falling for someone? Though I do believe there are several “soulmates” for each person, not just one. Also, the “go with the flow” thing and emotions has not worked for me so far to date.

 

Research shows that agreeableness, “nice”-ness, good communication skills and a willingness to work on the relationship are key. From my own experience, someone who is willing to “work” on the relationship through the creation of traditions and rituals that enable communication, the ability to discuss problems without creating flooding or becoming too negative, create practice in problem-solving and diffuse tensions are key. Also, someone who has demonstrated a happy, optimistic demeanor and easily bounces back from problems is key.

 

1. Get her back

 

Advantages: She's beautiful. We’ve learned a lot at this point about each other and about the negative cycles that we can get into. We are far down that learning curve. We have a lot of great memories together that it would be great to revive and build upon. She’s a sweet girl with a great sense of humor and silliness. She’s smart, hardworking and generally agreeable and willing to let me lead in most areas. I think we could be (and have been) very happy together.

 

Disadvantages: We’ve proven that we can break up. At one point, due to my mistakes in communication, she was unwilling to keep working on our problems and make things better. I’ve also hurt her many times before so to give it one more try would be a very serious endeavor at this stage. I do not think that she is a greedy person, but an important goal for me is saving up enough to switch over to philanthropy full time at some stage. I do think that she wants to give back, but it’s just not a significant goal for her as she’s more concerned about raising children and having a large enough house for them to play in. Also she mentioned jewelry twice when I brought up philanthropy. This is an area where we are just not well aligned. She doesn’t see herself as having enough money to think about philanthropy whereas I know that no big goal happens unless you plan for it and start measuring your progress towards it. She seems to not realize that she’s been lucky enough to be born in the richest country and with a top 5% income. When is it enough then? She also prefers that we live in DC or Boston whereas my work network and living preference is really in the Bay Area. Finally, she has probably moved on by now and has a good boyfriend so it would take a lot of months of effort, maybe years to win her back.

 

2. MIT alumni girl

 

Advantages: From a good family, Strong educational background and career, double MIT degrees, pre-IPO twitter, always optimistic, encouraging, prioritizes family and health, always encouraging me to go for a walk or hike or something active and to cook healthy dinners with her. Aspires to be the next Sheryl Sandberg. Really reassures me that she was into me for me and not for my career, etc. Overall a good balance of ambitious and a sweet, caring girl.

 

Disadvantages: Sometimes falls a little short in terms of empathy and laughter/silliness, snores (which may be fixable), sometimes is a little ditsy and in conversation does not come accross as smart or interesting as her educational background would suggest.

 

3. SFSU girl

 

Advantages: Makes me laugh, is silly, is always optimistic, very sweet, and extremely empathetic and caring, can always sense my emotions and make things better. Good at problem-solving with me. Does not want children. Also ambitious, but does not come from a strong educational background or a rich family. Has proven to bounce back from setbacks in life.

 

Disadvantages: Behind and struggling a bit in her career, going through a career restart and getting a second master’s. International student so there’s a risk she’s looking for a green card and a timeline for the visa. Makes some English grammar mistakes from time to time.

 

4. Visiting scholar girl

 

Advantages: Smart, finance phd/professor, one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever dated, wise beyond her years, sweet, willing to overcome obstacles

 

Disadvantages: Lives in Beijing, dating a billionaire now after I turned her down/made her wait for so long, perhaps could not get her back now. Her English needs some work and communication suffers at times as a result. She was here for a year, but I did not hang out with her quite often enough to really understand her well. Small risk that she might be interested only for the green card and chance to live in the Bay Area. But I do think she is genuine.

 

5. Hometown friend

 

Advantages: We’ve known each other for many years and have a common shared understanding from having grown up in the same town. She’s very beautiful and we know that we have gotten along well for many years. She’s been into me and very dedicated in pursuing me for a long time. She’s interested in research and academics and wants to make a difference in the world.

 

Disadvantages: Doesn’t have a strong educational background and just starting down the path for a PhD. I never pictured myself as someone who would marry someone from a small hometown. Lives in Texas currently so would be long distance in the beginning at least.

 

6. Someone new:

 

Advantages: Might be a better fit than any of the existing potential candidates. Obviously I have not completely fallen head over heels for anyone. But that also may not happen.

 

Disadvantages: Starting over, no shared memories. It takes a long time to get to know someone, let alone to find someone who is more compatible than those above.

[chuckee]

I saw the girl from my field who had wanted to date a while back at a conference over the weekend. It was painful to not be able to talk to her and to watch her avoid me throughout the entire conference. I had been interested in getting to know her better, but had been cautious since it was someone in the field and since it would have been long distance. She had been reassuring that she could find a job in the Bay Area, wanted to move here. She also didn't want kids. So I had started talking with her a lot and spending time at conferences, but not anything physical really despite the mutual attraction. I was very disciplined and cautious which wasn't easy. But then eventually I felt too worried about the long distance and about the potential for things to go wrong given the shared field so I told her that unfortunately it just wouldn't work out and we should be friends. She agreed. But then things went wrong, she saw from an email that I forwarded that I had been talking to another girl. She got very upset and now we're in the situation I was hoping to avoid, awkwardly running into one another at conferences. How can I repair the damaged friendship? What should I say and do?

 

I talked to a friend at the conference. I really need to meditate more often and reduce stress. People are having some serious health issues due to stress at the junior faculty level in this field. I have to keep that from happening to me.

[chuckee]

Managed to talk to the girl from my field on the phone to try to mend things. She said she didn't know what's happened to me and who I was anymore and wanted to know what happened to me in the past year. I was taken aback. I wasn't sure how to answer at first.

 

That was the same thing she had said at some point. So something must be going on and changing me. Is it just all the stress and burnout? Am I really changing? Am I becoming a worse person instead of better at this point? What's going on?

[chuckee]

I've decided to make it a project to work a little in a consistent and scheduled way on becoming a better person.

 

I just did an Easter Seals fundraiser so some kind of semi-annual charity activity will be one component.

 

Meditation will be another component. Including some kind of meditation to build kindness/compassion.

 

Another component will be regularly reading a book related to personal development. The book I'm currently reading is 10% Happier which is a well-written and entertaining one.

 

The goal is to train myself so that I have better interactions with people and make better choices in my personal life.

 

I think part of my problem is that I built up too much shame and guilt from earlier mistakes/problems and had too much of a mindset that I was a terrible person and couldn't improve/redeem myself.