Jump to content

Open Club  ·  101 members  ·  Free

Journals

chuckee

Recommended Posts

I'm not sure this relationship is going to work out. I prioritized kindness and no kids, but I did not sufficiently prioritize being a smart, careful person. She makes so many "mistakes" and I wind up spending so much time later fixing problems that have come up. Recently she did not tell me the whole truth about an important visa issue and now I can't trust her fully. She says she did not have negative intent and had misled herself also. But all I know is that I didn't get the full story, even if she wasn't trying to be deceitful.

Link to comment
  • Replies 223
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Mom may not have pure motivations here. She wants me to be in a good financial position to be able to take care of her in her old age. She doesn't want me to be supporting someone else. Instead she'd prefer that I'm with someone who makes good money so that we can take care of her. I shouldn't trust her motivation/judgement.

Link to comment

People say I'm the life of the party

Because I tell a joke or two

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

Deep inside I'm blue

So take a good look at my face

You'll see my smile looks out of place

 

If you look closer, it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

I need you, need you

Since you left me if you see me with another girl

Seeming like I'm having fun

Although she may be cute

 

She's just a substitute

Because you're the permanent one

So take a good look at my face

You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

 

I need you, need you

Outside I'm masquerading

Inside my hope is fading

Just a clown oh yeah

Since you put me down

My smile is my make up

 

I wear since my break up with you

So take a good look at my face

You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer, it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

Link to comment

I think your mindset cannot be 50/50 in a relationship. You have to have the goal that you are giving 100%, that you are dedicated to just giving as much as you can to make this person's life better in whatever ways you can. You should not expect anything in return if it is unconditional love.

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I hope that she and her family are doing well and enjoying life these days. Sometimes I still wish we had worked out. However, spending more time with other couples and their young children makes me realize more and more that having kids would not have been the right decision for me. I'm happy with my lifestyle now and do not envy my friends with kids.

 

Life is super stressful and hectic these days as it is. I can't imagine the additional burden of responsibility for young kids right now. I am really looking forward to this year, this tenure decision and this lawsuit being over with.

Link to comment
  • 5 months later...

Interesting to think about past girlfriends and what might have been/could have been. I don't think there's a single soulmate for everyone. I think I could have been happy and lead a good life with most of the girls that I dated. I think it's best to think of your spouse as a teammate. They don't have to be the best/perfect, but you do have to work well together as a team.

 

EK - We were just too young. She really wanted a baby and I didn't. She also didn't treat me particularly well.

JM - She also really wanted kids and I didn't. Otherwise, we probably would have worked out well together. Wound up moving to different cities for grad school. I kind of screwed this one up also.

YC - Also didn't want kids. Could have been fine together but she was always complaining about something about me, or my being late for dinners, too busy, etc.

JY - Hard to handle the emotional roller coaster. We just didn't work well as a team together.

JK - She worked hard and was great on paper, but at the core she was not a kind/loving person. Never trusted her fully and I was right.

JC - Too long distance across continents. Could have been happy together as a dual academic couple, but too weird to date someone in the field.

YS - She was too young. We were happy together though. She had a great spirit.

TK - We could have been very happy together. She wanted kids though and I didn't. Feel badly about this one. Conversations were not quite what I would have liked, but we would have had a good life together.

ML - Also could have been happy together.

DS - Could have been happy together as well.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

What was my favorite moment/day that I shared with each of my ex's?

 

EK - meeting up in a Jaipur five star hotel before she left for Nepal.

JM - making snowmen, visiting her dorm

YC - Disney trip

AY - Going to her place in a snowstorm, box seats at a hockey game

JY - Costa Rica

JK - scavenger hunt she set up for me

JC - walking around Italy together

YS - Las Vegas trip

TK - GG park date

DS - night picnic

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Reading Hillbilly Elegy really helped me to better understand my own background. Although I experienced a much more mild version of Appalachian culture than the author did, I could relate to a lot of it. I think I have to take responsibility for my actions but a lot of my trouble with maintaining relationships and going into my shell to hide during relationship conflict is due to the adverse childhood experiences I had in my youth in Appalachia.

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Neuro-linguistic programing. Managing the emotions of a team (or partnership/relationship/marriage/company/team) is something that can be achieved through communication skills involving shared understandings and also painting a believable picture of a positive future and the path to get there.

 

Quality of life is determined by quality of communication.

 

The most important person you communicate with is yourself.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Early retirement blogs have been my focus recently as I began to realize that by cutting my expenses and focusing on investment income, I am not very far from being able to retire early. This should also enable me to free up more time to spend with friends and family. Mr. Money Mustache, 1500 Days and other blogs have been a great help in sorting out what data to track to see progress towards this new goal.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...
  • 5 weeks later...

Goodbye Mom. I wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye. I wish I had been more attentive during our last phone conversation. I'm glad you were happy and went without pain, in your sleep. I just wish that I knew what happened exactly. I wish I'd gotten to tell you that I made tenure. I wish you'd gotten to see my wedding. Thank you for everything that you did for me and all the sacrifices that you made. I love you.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Reading Gottman's latest book, I see the importance of trust. I gained a new insight into the effect my parents' divorce had on me. It made me lose the ability to trust and caused me to question everything. This was helpful in academia but harmful in my relationships. When the people who you begin life trusting the most fail you, it is hard to trust again. To have a kid means to invest a lot of trust in your partner. In previous relationships, if I had been able to trust them more, that we could manage having a kid, that we would eventually save and contribute to philanthropy, that we would work out problems, then that greater level of trust would have made it easier to commit to them and stay in the relationship. Neither I nor those previous partners were really able to drill down to it being an issue with trust at the heart of the issue with commitment. If we'd been able to understand that and work on building up trust, then maybe it would have worked out.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...
  • 2 months later...

I've been digitizing old photos and old letters recently. Including both those between my parents during their courtship days when my dad was in Vietnam and also old letters and cards I've received. I had not realized that I'd received so many letters from so many people who cared about me. I think I sent a fraction of that amount out and I feel badly about that. I hope to send more letters to people in the future to show that they are cared about. I hope to give more than I receive in all these friendships and relationships in the years going forward. I feel I've been selfish up till now in focusing on myself and my career. I need to think less about what I can get out of relationships and more about what I can give and how I can help those who are close to me.

Link to comment
  • 3 months later...

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...