Please help me get my thoughts together!!!!

[Kekse]

Hi everyone. Thank you, in advance, for any help you can provide. I have never been so thoroughly confused in all my life and I have no idea where to start. So, here I am, reaching out to strangers (although, very kind ones). I will make this as brief as possible but try to provide the important details.

 

My BF and I have been together since 2006, so approx. 7 years now. We are a blended family, if you will; he has two daughters from his previous marriage, I have one son from a previous relationship and we now have one baby together. In order, the kids are 13, 12, 10, and 13 months. For the first few years, we kept our kids out of the relationship because we both wanted to be absolutely sure that “we” were going to work out before we got them involved. In 2010, I found out that my BF had slept with another woman ( a friend of his), and had also pursued other women. All of this occurred at the start of our relationship. I thought we were exclusive, but he felt differently. I was hurt to the point that I packed my belongings and I left. After a few days, and after I calmed myself down, I realized that all of that was in the past and I should try to move past it. We talked about it and he admitted that, because he was unsure about where “we” were going in our relationship, he decided to test the waters with other women. After I calmed down, I could see where he was coming from. I think it’s important to mention that he is military and for years, we were separated more than we were together. But despite the distance, he was still the only man in my life and I was completely faithful, no matter where in the world he was. So, after that, things got better. I was able to secure a job overseas where he was and we finally got the “together” time that we had wanted. Things seemed great. The kids all got along, I built a relationship with his girls (since they stayed with me when he had to go on 30 or 60 day work related trips). I got pregnant in 2011, and our baby was born in 2012. Things were great. Fast forward to two weeks ago. He left to go fishing with some buddies and left his cell phone behind. Normally, I am not the snooping type, but that day, I was. I went through his phone, accessed his texts, email account and Facebook account. I found that, during one of his one year deployments to another country, he had maintained a “relationship” with a local woman. This occurred in 2007, but four months after our baby was born, this woman was contacting him again, and saying things such as “You don’t know how much I cried when you left and I didn’t hear from you again” and “I love you so much”. Now, although this relationship occurred/ended 5 years ago, because I just discovered it, it hurts as though it just happened yesterday. I am having the hardest time moving past this.

To sum it all up, for the duration of our “relationship”, there have been two women he’s slept with (even though they both occurred during a time when he was unsure about “us”) and two that he has pursued. We had a four hour conversation the other night. I cried yelled, cursed and basically told him exactly what a POS he was and that I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. He admitted that if the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t still be with me. He also admitted to having serious trust issues, and not wanting to be vulnerable to any woman again, because of his past marriage. But, that was more than 8 years ago. At what point does someone move past it? I reminded him that, although I wasn’t married, I loved my oldest son’s father wholeheartedly and I was betrayed by him. MY hurt is no less than HIS hurt, but I don’t think he ever thought about that.

After discovering all of this (not to mention the female friend he met up with and had dinner with, but felt the need to keep that a secret), I packed my things, took my boys and moved back into my house. I’m fortunate enough that I have always maintained my own residence, even though it was unnecessary. But I think, in the back of my mind, knowing I had my own house was always comforting. I always had a place to go to, if need be. Anyways, he is supposed to be making amends right now. He is supposed to be fixing “us” and putting forth a serious effort to make things right. I told him that, without serious effort and the ability to swallow his pride and do right by me, there will no longer be an “us”. He knows that I will not stay with him because we have a child together now. We are both adult enough that we can parent the kids separately. But instead, this past weekend (both days, mind you) were spent fishing with his buddies.

 

My questions are, because the betrayals took place at the start of our relationship, can I realistically move past it all? Isn’t the start of a relationship the time when you are showing your “best side” to the other person? Is his lack of effort right now a sign that he doesn’t intend to make things right? I truly believe that he CAN change, but I really don’t know if I have the patience to wait for it to happen. And his ex wife may control HIS happiness. But she damn sure won’t control mine…..What in the world do I do? I cannot get the visions of him with these other women out of my head. The words he wrote to them in the emails are seared in my brain….What am I supposed to do now???? Please help. All I do lately is talk myself in circles…..

[Lubblobba]

You're being tortured by him and the past. I'd advise anyone whose been cheated on to move on, even if he was in an "unsure" stage, does that give him the right to be with other women in the meantime? I don't think so. You deserve way better than what you're getting. It's really horrible to hear about this and I'm sorry for what you've been put through. If he is not completely open and is lying to you, you definitely need to move on. You will always wonder if he is lying or hiding things from you. The pain of those women will always hurt. He hasn't treated you right. It is possible he went fishing to think about things, but I think I'd also expect (if I were you) him to make some sort of effort asap. If things are bad at the start of the relationship, there's so reason for them to be better beyond that. I think you will have a hard time trusting him and that's not a healthy relationship, even if he changes and tells the truth, the past has already happened.

[Edmund Exley]

Well, is it doing you any good holding on to something that cant be changed?

[Kekse]

No, it isn't doing me any good. What I DON'T want to happen is for me to completely overreact because we have four children involved. Now, I'm not the type of woman who will stay because of the kids, but I want to ensure I'm making the best possible decisions for all of us. Right now, I just don't know what those decisions are supposed to be....As he said a few nights ago, he is now VERY invested in our relationship. But, he's only been invested for three year; I've been here for seven......My goodness, i just want to pull my hair our!!! UGH! I am so frustrated and I am drowning in disappointment....

[Edmund Exley]

No, it isn't doing me any good. What I DON'T want to happen is for me to completely overreact because we have four children involved. Now, I'm not the type of woman who will stay because of the kids, but I want to ensure I'm making the best possible decisions for all of us. Right now, I just don't know what those decisions are supposed to be....As he said a few nights ago, he is now VERY invested in our relationship. But, he's only been invested for three year; I've been here for seven......My goodness, i just want to pull my hair our!!! UGH! I am so frustrated and I am drowning in disappointment....

 

I would be more concerned about his "Never be vulnerable to another woman" statement. Being vulnerable is inherent with being in love.

 

You do your self no service by saying "I got 7 in, he only has 3". Nothing in that makes much difference in the present.

[Kekse]

That is exactly the kind of "truthful advice" I was hoping to receive today. You are absolutely right. I've been foolish, blind, and too giving of myself, my love, my time. My willingness to move halfway around the world to be with him was absolutely ridiculous, on my part, without having some type of commitment. I wish I had left him the first time I discovered his secrets, and definitely prior to having a child with him. *** was I thinking???? UGH!! Now, I've put another child into this f'd up situation....

 

I know that men and women are VERY different. I think that I am expecting grand gestures (from him) as his attempt to fix our relationship. But, is that realistic? Especially from a man who is, normally, very reserved, not romantic. Should I be looking for smaller gestures from him? Or with everything that he's done, and I right to EXPECT grand gestures?????

[mhowe]

You can expect grand gestures, but I think you're going to be disappointed.

And if he is normally reserve and not romantic --- well, and I am in no way defending him --- but I think the "gone fishing" is to take a step back from the emotional conflict and think about stuff. After all, you've moved out -- so it isn't like you are on top of each other.

 

I would seriously think about what you want. And when you can stop the spin that goes on in our heads and talk --- not rant (BTDT)...talk to him. See what he has to say about what YOU want. And what he is willing to deliver.

[petite]

Only you can make a choice whether to stay or not. If you do choose to stay then you have to be prepared to work on getting past what happened. I gather from your post that you're resentful and that's why it frustrates you that you've been invested for seven years while he has not. If you can get past everything then make the decision that is right for you, and if you can't then it's probably best for you to leave because the longer you stay resentful the worse you will feel.

[mhowe]

As Edmund said -- saying or marking who is "all in" --- should be left in the past. If you can focus on the recent past --- that he got to the "all in place", and that he is VERY invested now....that is the place to start.

 

Find common ground and move on from there. Disecting the past will do no good. If you can get past the infidelity -- and that is not a small if --- and focus on what you HAVE now ---and see if the trust can be rebuilt.

[Kekse]

Thank you for all of the replies/advice.....Mhowe, I see what you mean about dissecting the past. That is exactly where I am "stuck" right now, and it's not an easy step to get over, especially with all of this being so "fresh" on my mind. But, I do see the importance in moving past that. I also have to agree with Edmund about the inability for BF to be vulnerable with me or anyone else. I feel this is a HUGE red flag, one that I was unaware of before. Naturally, with someone who has trust issues, you assume that, given enough time, they will learn to trust you and believe in you.....But after so much time has gone by, if he is still unable to be vulnerable with me, then I don't think staying around is beneficial for anyone, especially me. My kids won't be happy if I'm miserable.

 

As for me, enough is enough already. I've given too much of myself and it has gotten me nowhere and nothing (except my precious baby boy). I think I'm ready to say outloud what I've been thinking for the past few weeks. I'm done, he & I are done. I'm done giving all of ME for someone who cleary is unappreciative. Not to mention, I cannot be with someone who willingly and intentionally hurts someone else. Not to take HER side, but if the woman he was in a "relationship" with in 2007 truly WAS in love with him, he knew the entire time that he had no intentions of ever being with her or bringing her to the U.S. once his tour was finished. Yet, he allowed her to fall in love. When it was time for him to leave, he left and didn't look back, leaving HER to deal with all of those emotions on her own. I cannot be with someone who can easily do that to another person......

 

Thanks again, everyone!.....Your words of wisdom are greatly appreciated!!!!

[mhowe]

I am not going to try and talk you into staying --

 

I will just say this. My bf was married, for 3 yrs (no kids) about 10 yrs ago. And we are just reconciling (for 2nd time). His fear of being vulnerable to that level of hurt ....and that level of love...manifested itself in avoidant behavior until just recently. Not an excuse -- an explanation.

 

You have moved home. Let the spin stop....and think it through. Regardless, you and your kids will be okay.

[Kekse]

I see exactly what you mean, but....He claims to have trust issues, yet can be the one to CAUSE trust issues? What sense does that make? After having been on the receiving end of that, you would THINK he would ensure he never causes those feeling for someone else. Honestly, I feel that is just an excuse that my BF is making. He's looking for sympathy, but there is no more. His ex wife was crazy, dishonest, and a cheater. Yet, he loved her completely up until the day she left. His ex girlfriend after that was bat s**t crazy, yet he loved her, too. Not to toot my own horn, but I have been nothing but wonderful to and for this man AND his children, but I'm the one who receives this type of treatment? Completely unfair.....

 

I cannot say that I will NEVER go back to him. I love him very much. Even in my angry state, I can admit that. But right now, I absolutely have to worry about me and my boys. I don't have the time to try to "fix" a grown ass man.....He has serious issues, ones that I am unable to help him with. I think that, without professional help (which will be extremely difficult to admit that he needs), there cannot be an "us" any longer.....

[mhowe]

And that is okay. I have not had to deal w/ cheating in this relationship -- and know it will never happen. When I have dealt with it before --it was "see ya" from me.

 

Don't make any announcements in anger. Let it settle. You have every right to be angry. So --- be angry, and when you are done --- be Kekse!

[Kekse]

Thank you!!!! I'll get back to being "me".....eventually!

[Edmund Exley]

Some people are addicted top crazy. The normalness of you may actually make him feel insecure because he isn't used to love being normal. Im not making excuses for him, just stating an issue.

[Kekse]

I'll be honest, Edmund...I had never thought of that! If that is the case and he does prefer the crazy ones, I wonder why he's held onto me for so long. I'll be damned if I start chopping away at MY hair or swallowing whole bottles of vitamins (yes, attempts by his ex's in the past)....If that's what he's after, he needs to go looking elsewhere. This is something for me to ponder...maybe that IS the case with him. Damn me for being so normal!!!!

[mhowe]

He has held on to you so long and says he is invested now...because he craves the normal...but.is used to the drama. And has no previous experience in "normal"... the terrain is unfamiliar.