kloepschen Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I have a problem. I have been dating this sweet guy for about 7 months now and he treats me great. He loves me and I thought that I was so happy with him. A few days ago I went out with my co-worker Reid who I have been kind of flirty with since I started working here. We ended up going to his appartment after we had a few drinks and ... you know what's next. We are both very atttracted to each other and I like him a lot. The big issue is that he getting married in 6 months and I have a boyfriend. He also moves away in 2 weeks to live with his wife-to-be. I dont know what is wrong with me - my boyfriend loves me and I am so happy with him - still I cheat! I feel bad on the one side and on the other side I would probably do it again in a heartbeat since there is so much energy between me and Reid all the time. We both agreed NOT to tell our partners and he said he feels bad. I am not sure what to do? Should I tell my boyfriend? How can I stop to flirt with Reid? How can I get over my insecurities and not cheat? Thank you for your advice! Link to comment
caliboy Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Were you abused at all as a child? Was you father around when you were younger? It doesn't sound like you're ready for a relationship. You should tell your boyfriend what happened and take a break from the relationship to get things out of your system. Link to comment
kloepschen Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 No I was never abused as a child and mu parents are happily married! I had a picture-perfect childhood ... Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 At the root of cheating there is alway some sort of dissatisfaction with their partner. Typically for females this has to do with emotional satisfaction, it is important that you learn why you cheated and there are reasons beyond we are attracted to eachother. If you dont feel that you should tell you bf then thats a decision you already made and im not gonna focus on that. You should know why your relationship is lacking and realize that you either need to solve that problem or break up because situations like this will only increase. Link to comment
Sherlock Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 You're not ready for a serious relationship if you are so easily persuaded. If it's not this engaged guy it will be the next guy you "have energy with". You should end your relationship before you break this poor guys heart and scar him with serious insecurities... You're only thinking about yourself right now. Maybe you should be single so you could enjoy your flings when they arise without repercussion. What goes around comes around. Link to comment
Cecelius Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Agreed. You're looking for help on this post, and not scorn, but what I might focus on is that there is a HUGE risk that this story could get out at your office. Not only will people take a view on the speed with which certain access was granted, but also the overall loyalty, etc. Further, you could end up getting a lot more attention from other men in your office than you bargained for. I'd drop the b/f. You said it yourself, at your age you shouldn't be able to cheat on a man you purport to be still "in love" with. It just means that you're not grown up enough to be this heavily involved with people (because your b/f is probably mature enough to be wounded by your actions). Paying particular attention to your post's language, (1) you may want to edit out the guy's name just in case someone reads this board (2) you went to his apartment -- were you drunk by then? If not, that's just plane shady no matter what (3) The way you describe things is that they happened to you -- that's young people talk. You're old enough to know when a man asks you to his apartment after a couple drinks what he is looking for. You decided to provide it so own up to it. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 What a nightmare. I agree with Cecelius, drop the boyfriend, and drop Reid. You need to evaluate the relationship with your boyfriend, what you were unhappy with about him or the relationship or even yourself, take the appropriate measures to correct those mistakes, and move on. Dating + Co-workers = Disaster. Link to comment
kloepschen Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 Thank you for your answers. I could tell that guys were writing the replies ... ;-) Now you probably think I am one of those girls ... Anyways, my co-worker is moving so that probably solves the problem. I am my boyfriend's first girlfriend, so he is very "innocent" and has no idea. I did not sleep with the guy either ... just everything else. I still don't want to drop my boyfriend! Why does everybody say that? I like him too much and I don't want to lose him. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Because you are being unfair to him by sharing intimacies with someone else. If you really liked and cared about him, you would tell him about what happened and see how where things go between the two of you from there. It's called honesty. How do you know you wouldn't do it again? Cheaters never really change their ways, not while they are still dating the person they cheated on anyways. How would you like it if he did that to you and didn't tell you? Would you think he "loved " you? Link to comment
kloepschen Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 Hi Iceman26, no I would not like it if he did it ... but if I tell him we will break up and I don't want that. How do I know he is not cheating anyways? I started cheating after I was cheated on the first time. I know I am not being honest with him and it drives me crazy ... but I can't tell him ... Link to comment
tea Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 you don't love your boyfriend if you can cheat on him... you don't really love him anyways. if you love him you wouldn't have knowingly done something that can potentially hurt him. the guy should call off his wedding too. he doesn't love her if he can cheat on her with you. play games fairly, dump him. what if you find a few other people that you have chemistry with later and decide that they're all worth having a fling with? i know you might say you won't... and no, i'm not judging you. I think it's awful on your boyfriend's part, but if you want to do it and you're my friend i won't tell you to stop as long as you're not married. (I have a friend like that... 3 guys a week that are not her boyfriend.) Seriously though, if you love him, dump him. He deserves better. Link to comment
BadMadame Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Your love to your boyfriend is not strong enough. I strongly agree with Iceman26 to tell your boyfriend what happen between you and Reid. At least you won't have to bring it to your grave. Hope he forgives you for that. If he does, please keep in mind that you're one of the luckiest girls whose boyfriend loves you very strongly--stronger than his hurt feeling. If he doesn't, you deserve it. With Reid moving away is not solving the problem, the problem is in you--your guilt and out of control. You have to deal with it. If you can't stick with one guy, don't be in a relationship because you will end up with guilt and hurting people feeling again--not only your boyfriend, but everyone who involves in this situation. Link to comment
kloepschen Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 Everybody tells me to break up - I wont do that! Once my head is clear I will think about it ... Thank you anyways. You all think I am a horrible person now. Link to comment
Cecelius Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 No, you're not a horrible person, just incredibly, unbelieveably young. You just said it yourself: even though you did something that SHOULD get you broken up with , you don't want to lose your b/f, so selfishly (again) you are not going to tell him. Even though your earliest post indicated that you have clearly not cut off contact with this other guy. I almost think this is a bit of a leg-pulling post since its hard to believe anyone over the age of 18 can talk like this I'm going to show this post to all of my friends who plan on getting exclusive with one girl. Unbelieveable. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I am with you on that one Cecelius. Link to comment
Sherlock Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Unfortunately you'll only learn when everything explodes in your face or when something like this happens to you. Good luck with everything. Link to comment
Galaxygirl Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 I do not think you should tell your boyfriend. Wait and see what happens. Accept yourself, and the possibility of having different kinds of love/caring in your life right now. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 I think from her original post, enough has already happened. She cheated on her boyfriend and is having her cake and eating it too. You know, from a guys perspective here, I doubt most guys wouldnt be that upset if a girl cheated on them and told them. For me, I'd be like "Hey you cheated, thanks for admitting it, have a nice life" and that would be the end of it. Cheating and not telling? Oh man. At that point, you are wasting the other persons time, leading them on in a farce of a relationship and not to mention taking a risk with their life by fooling around with other guys in this day and age of rampant STD's. Link to comment
titan Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Can i ask, why you do not want to break up with your boyfriend???? Have you asked yourself because i doubt its love could it be that it is just you are afraid to get out of your comfort zone?? Link to comment
BadMadame Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 I encourage you to face to truth and show response from what you have done. It's all for your own sake. If you can't admit it to your boyfriend, the guilt keeps coming back to haunt you. Break up or not is not your decision; it's his. It is something you have to accept. I know that you are afraid of the result, but what else can you do? I wish he forgives you. P.S. I'm sure you've learned the lesson. Link to comment
kloepschen Posted November 23, 2004 Author Share Posted November 23, 2004 Thank you everybody for your responses! I thought about what you told me and tried to understand what the guys said from their perspective. By now it is hard for me to imagine that what happened last week really happened ... Here is an update: Since I felt so bad about what I did (even though we "just" fooled around) and I DO care a lot about my boyfriend and I want to be honest I told him on Saturday what happened. He forgave me right away and is glad that not more happened. I feel better now since I told him and I love him even more since he was so understanding. I learned a lesson here and I am very happy and thankful that I can be with him. We talked things through and my confusion is gone. He means very much to me and we are getting along great - I was very stupid last week and regret it. We are goign to Boston from Friday through Sunday! I can't wait Link to comment
BadMadame Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 Yahoo I am so happy for you. He is one of the sweetest and forgiving guys I've ever heard. Take good care your relationship and love. "With love and patience, nothing is impossible."--Daisaku Ikeda. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now