My sister didn't ask about how I was after seeing my childhood abuser.

[Blue_Skirt]

I feel that people will come to see, sooner or later, how dirty and unworthy I am, and they will reject me.

Check out my signature!

[Blue_Skirt]

Do you think your sister was telling the truth when she said that she wasn't molested too?

Yes I do believe she told me the truth. She is two years older than I am, so the age difference between her and my brother is only 2 years and she is a different type of person.

[SpottiOtti]

Yes, I have noticed your sig and thought it was very inspirational! It is a good mantra. Thank you for your posts and I will be checking tomorrow morning for the rest of your story (I was going to say I was looking forward to reading but that didn't seem to fit right - hopefully you get my sentiment). Thanks everyone else too, I feel better about this thing with my sis from reading your posts tonight. I feel like I understand her perspective better now.

[Seraphim]

I just realized that the reason I am upset about her not bringing it up, is because I feel as though she is rejecting that part of me. I know that doesn't mean it is true and also that I am hypersensitive to this perceived rejection, because I have felt since it happened that I am fundamentally unclean and unlovable, and I look for evidence that this is so. I feel that people will come to see, sooner or later, how dirty and unworthy I am, and they will reject me. At the same time I crave acceptance, for my total self. Anyone else identify with this feeling?

 

Yes ,I totally 100% identify with that feeling of rejection but honey that perception is wrong they don't reject us. That is why we need therapy. After being abused we see the world through the lens of an abused person and sometimes our perceptions are off.

[Blue_Skirt]

I joined a sports club when I was 11 and all the members needed to undergo a medical examination. When listening to my heart, the doctor heard some sort of noise and I was advised to go to my own family doctor to have it checked. My mother would come with me. My family doctor examined me and I needed to take off my shirt. He made a stupid comment about my breasts starting to grow and I felt ashamed, embarrassed and very insecure. My mother said nothing. So I needed to go back to that family doctor various times. He would listen to my heart, I even received medication, but that was it. There was never any further examination, I was never sent to hospital for a checkup or anything. I don’t know how many times I visited the family doctor, but I was scared to death every time. Until my mother finally asked him, whether I could play my sports or not. He said yeah, that should be fine. I never went back to the family doctor again and as of today I never found out whether there is something wrong with my heart. Well, I am still alive, strong and healthy. But during all those doctors’ visits I was exposed to shame and embarrassment. It took me a long time to realize that that was abuse too.

 

There has been violence too in my family. My brother could be extremely aggressive. There have been broken cups and glassware. Glass of the front door of our house was broken. We have all been terrified. My parents told me and my sister to lock our bedroom doors at night so he could not come in. (This was after the abuse had stopped.) We had our hockey stick next to our bed to defend ourselves should anything happen. My parents could not lock their bedroom but my father had a hammer in the night table and an ax under the bed. Thank God never anything happened but children should not have to protect themselves at night.

 

When my brother left the military service he has been thinking of becoming a member of some sort of military reserve unit. This would mean that he could be called to service in case of any serious (war) threat. That would imply that he would have his gun at home. God has listened to my prayers and he never joined that military reserve unit, because I would not be writing on this forum today if he would have had his gun at home. I must have been 17 or 18 at that time.

 

More to follow.

[Blue_Skirt]

Don't expect her to know what to say or to say anything. If you are great at pretending things are alright, she probably thought you were okay or mistook any hesitation or distress for very garden variety grieving since you are at a funeral after all. She also has her own grief to be concerned with. She didn't go solely for your purposes, I would imagine, but to also grieve the deceased.

 

I was thinking about this for a little while. Yes, your sister may have had her own grief to deal with. It was not clear in from the original post that the family function was a funeral, so that puts things into a different light.

[Seraphim]

Just remember in situations of abuse your voice is taken away. Your choice is taken away. So you want your voice heard now. You want it acknowledged. You want to be validated. This is all very normal. And, yes you certainly do need to be heard and validated. The thing is the people in our lives often do not know how to do that. They have not had counselling in how to do that. They also can not read our mind. If we act fine they assume we are fine.

 

One thing I discovered about myself in therapy is that I was SCREAMING for validation and to be heard, but I was not using words. I was using behaviors and NO ONE was getting me. And the more they did not "get me" the angrier and more frustrated I got and the more I shut people out. I felt they did not care. But they did. Very much. They just had no idea how to help me. They did not understand what I was screaming in my head.

 

With therapy I have learned to communicate how I feel and regained my voice. My husband goes to his own therapy to learn to deal with his own feelings on what happened to me and how to help me.

 

For years I rejected and shut down all efforts to help me and then I was angry at them for not helping me. How fruitless and insane is that?? Everyone in my family was so frustrated and did not know what to do with me. Lucky for me my mother has never never given up on me.

 

So therapy can give you your voice back and teach you how to get your validation. You won't ever get validation from your abuser and neither will I from my abusers, but you can find it within yourself and others, your family if you choose to include them. I would say not to tell them yet if you do not feel emotionally secure. You should always weigh the pros and cons of this.( unless of course you are a child. A child should ALWAYS tell a trusted adult if this is happening to them or has happened to them. This is for the teenage folks out there.)

[Blue_Skirt]

I grew up in a normal average middle class family, the youngest of 3 siblings. My father worked and brought the money home and my mother was a stay at home mom.

 

We had a conservative upbringing and my parents have been very strict with us as children. We had very little freedom and there were a lot of don’ts and do’s. There were no birthdays parties where we could invite other children, we would have a day away with the family. And since we did not give birthday parties ourselves, my parents did not let us go to other childrens’ birthday parties. And if you always have to tell children that you can’t come, at some point of time you don’t receive invitations anymore.

 

There is the tradition in our family that you don’t speak about problems, so that we don’t have problems. Also, you don’t hang your dirty laundry outside. You don’t talk with other people about problems or say something negative about the family to other people. So that middle class family with the 3 children, the house and the car (o.k., we did not have a dog) looks like a perfect happy family from the outside. That is why people are still shocked when they see statistical numbers on abuse and violence. Because from the outside, it always looked like the perfect family. People have just no idea…..

 

My father is very dominant. He was always right, he always needed to win. And if he would not win, he would lose, but he would refuse to find a compromise, that word was not in his dictionary. My parents would always know things better. We are older, we have more life experience, we know things better. I have heard that sentence more than once. And that is something you may say to a young child, but you can’t continue to say that forever. At some point of time you will have to listen to your children and have a discussion with them.

 

So I lived my life for a long time with the idea that I had no rights. Anything that I would have to say, was irrelevant, I had no voice. Others around me were always better. Others around me would take decisions. I am still learning that I have a choice. I had a dream a few days ago about my sister and father. They were coming into my house. I wanted to say something to my father, I tried to speak, I opened my mouth, but there was no sound. I had lost my voice……

[Blue_Skirt]

your voice is taken away. Your choice is taken away.

Exactly this!

[SpottiOtti]

The thing is the people in our lives often do not know how to do that. They have not had counselling in how to do that. They also can not read our mind. If we act fine they assume we are fine.

 

I think this probably comes closest to explaining my original issue with my sister. She has no idea that I feel like she's rejecting that part of me when she doesn't bring it up; how would she? And it's actually a really good thing that she doesn't understand, because that means she hasn't been sexually abused! And I thank God for that.

 

One thing I discovered about myself in therapy is that I was SCREAMING for validation and to be heard, but I was not using words. I was using behaviors and NO ONE was getting me. And the more they did not "get me" the angrier and more frustrated I got and the more I shut people out. I felt they did not care. But they did. Very much. They just had no idea how to help me. They did not understand what I was screaming in my head.

 

This describes me perfectly. I was an angry, angry adolescent and young adult. I abused drugs and alcohol, started fights, slept around. Pushed people away. It was also part of me stuffing it down, trying to make it disappear from my memory bank. The more I engaged in antisocial behavior, the more angry I felt, and the more angry I felt, the more antisocial things I did. I also got punished for my antisocial behavior, and I think part of me wanted to be punished, because I felt as though I should be punished for being such a fundamentally unclean and damaged person.

 

I would say not to tell them yet if you do not feel emotionally secure. You should always weigh the pros and cons of this.

 

I have suspected for a long time that my mother was also sexually abused. It would help explain why she has always been so sad and angry (she is one of the angriest people I know). I feel like if I told her, it would bring up stuff that she can't handle. Especially now, after losing her mother. I am afraid that my father would blame it on me because he used to call me a word which begins with s and rhymes with "but" when I was a teenager (ironically, this was after the abuse happened, when I was acting out, but would I have done so if not for the abuse?)

[SpottiOtti]

There is the tradition in our family that you don’t speak about problems, so that we don’t have problems. Also, you don’t hang your dirty laundry outside. You don’t talk with other people about problems or say something negative about the family to other people.

 

Yes, same in my family. We never talked about my father's drinking. They say abuse thrives in secrecy - have you heard that?

 

I am sorry about what your family doctor did to you. It was wrong of him to say that about your breasts! And so creepy. And then for your mother to just stand there and not stand up for you - well, I guess she felt that she didn't have a voice either. If I had been in your situation, I might have felt like "Am I crazy for thinking there is something wrong with this? My mother's not saying anything; maybe this is normal!" And second-guessed myself about things after that. Is that how you felt?

 

Thank you both so much for sharing your experiences with me. You are helping me very much. I hope that if others who have been abused are reading but not chiming in, that they are being helped too.

[Seraphim]

My mother was sexually abused as well. However she talks openly about it and is not an angry person. I am sorry that your mother has not healed enough. No you would not have done the things you did had you not been abused. It is actually very common for sexually abused children to then experiment with drugs and alcohol and sleeping around. I did the drug and alcohol thing but not the sleeping around. I could not even have people touch me without passing out. People terrified me that much. Especially men. All you're doing is medicating your pain when you do that.

 

Just know that you're not an unclean or damaged person you are recovering .

[Seraphim]

You are exactly right that abuse thrives in secrecy that is why it should never be kept secret. If you don't speak up it perpetuates forever.

[Blue_Skirt]

And then for your mother to just stand there and not stand up for you - well, I guess she felt that she didn't have a voice either.

Yes, she did not have a voice either. I understand that now.

 

If I had been in your situation, I might have felt like "Am I crazy for thinking there is something wrong with this? My mother's not saying anything; maybe this is normal!" And second-guessed myself about things after that. Is that how you felt?

I always felt that what that doctor did was wrong, that it was not normal, even though my mother did not say anything. I just remember my feelings of shame and embarrassment. Now that I am older and dealing with my issues, I know that it was wrong. And if this would happen to me today, I would really look into where I could report this case of what that doctor had done to me.

[Blue_Skirt]

I was an angry, angry adolescent and young adult. I abused drugs and alcohol, started fights, slept around.

I have never done any of this, but I can understand that behaviour. I was very afraid of my parents. I was afraid of doing anything wrong.

[Blue_Skirt]

So at age almost 16, I finally made him stop by pushing him away and telling him no over and over again. For a very long time I just thought of it as that it had stopped. It was a major milestone on the road to healing when I finally realized that it was me who made him stop. I had taken my life in my own hands and made a change! That young girl made him stop and I was proud of myself when I realized that. I had not let myself down, I had not given up on myself and that idea has given me so much strength!

 

But even after the abuse had stopped, I still was afraid. I still felt uncomfortable around my brother. Even after he had moved out of my parents’ house but came during the weekend to visit, I avoided being alone in the living room with him. When I saw that a situation like that would come up, I would go to the toilet and from there to a room where there was someone else. I felt like walking on eggshells all the time when he was there.

 

I remember a situation where I stayed a weekend at my sisters’ place celebrating her birthday. It was pretty warm that day and I was wearing a T shirt with a deep V neck. My brother was supposed to come during the afternoon. I all of a sudden started to realize that he would make a comment about my T shirt, something along the line like: “O, you are wearing a sexy T shirt today”. I was panicking and I was thinking for a couple of hours what I should do and I was angry with myself that I had not paid more attention to what I was going to wear that day. Thanks God that T shirt was black and I finally decided to change that T shirt for a white shirt with a different neckline. I told my sister that that black T shirt was way too warm for the good weather.

[SpottiOtti]

I can't even imagine how hard it would be to see my abuser often, as you did. This was the first time I'd had to see him in about 10 years.

[Blue_Skirt]

I was in my early thirties when I first started to deal with my past. I had just ignored it, I had pushed away my memories and I had numbed my feelings. I started to work at a young age and have done all my studies through evening classes. Work, study, work, study, that’s all what I did for a long time.

 

I did not know what it was to “hang out with friends”. I never did that. I did not have any friends for a long time. But that was not a surprise. I never socialized with children during my school period. And sometimes when I took a friend home, my parents would only criticize her after she had left. I had my first boyfriend at age 17, it only lasted 3 months. The second boyfriend at age 18, again only a story of 3 months. And then my father simply said that I should not bring boyfriends home anymore. As if I had a new boyfriend every week. And these “relationships” were very innocent, just holding hands and a bit of kissing. I was not allowed to be alone with them in my room. So I just stopped seeing people and continued my career, which was actually going well.

 

So when I was 31-32, I started to look on internet to read about abuse. In the meantime I had met the first love of my life and I had moved accross Europe to be with him after a few years of dating. The physical distance between me and my family was a good thing for me. It was really scaring to start searching on the web. And I always had this idea that I had to report this to the police and that I had to confront my brother. This was so deep in my mind that I sometimes even paralyzed me. I was really thinking about the legal side of it, rather than my own well being. So reading about it, I discovered that the crime that was committed upon me, was time barred already under my native country law. Bang, slap in the face. So finally you find the courage to look into the matter, but you are still far away from being able to do something about it, and you find out that it is too late already……

[Blue_Skirt]

I can't even imagine how hard it would be to see my abuser often, as you did. This was the first time I'd had to see him in about 10 years.

It was extremely difficult. When I knew that I was going to see him with birthdays and so on, I could hardly sleep and eat. But you know, it was the “Happy Family” soap, so you just kept on smiling and played your role in that soap. I have written myself out of that script in the meantime. I have no contact with any of family anymore. I refused to continue playing my role in that horrible soap.

 

There was a period of about 4 years that he did not come home anymore, he had a huge fight with my parents, walked out of the door and did not come for a period of 4 years and only phoned my parents years later when he was in trouble. I remember I was panicking when I heard the news that he had made contact again.

 

I write the word “brother” here, but I would rather refer to him as “the son of my parents”.

[Seraphim]

DISCLAIMER: DO NOT READ IF RAPE TRAUMA IS UPSETTING TO YOU

 

My first abuser I only know his first name. I do not know where he is or anything about him. He was a 22 year old guy my mom and step dad took pity on because he had no where to go. I have no idea why they asked him to go. But whatever it was great for me. I remember being orally raped and asked to fondle him. I remember him also asking his girlfriend over to abuse me too. I was 6.

 

My second abuser was a foster child that my mom and step dad were looking after. He tied me to a chair and fondled me. I was 11.

 

The third one was my father's brother. He orally and vaginally raped me for almost a year. He also beat me and broke my knee. Slammed my head into walls and floors. He did this for almost a year. I was 13. He also threatened me. He told me if I did not submit he would kill my father, kill my brother. He would rape me in the same room as my brother slept because he wanted me to scream. And I refused so I would not traumatize my little brother. If I did not submit he would beat me.He told me his plans to murder me. He told me he had plans to take me out into the woods and let his drug friends rape me and then they would dispose of my body in a river.

 

It went to court but he got to walk away because I fell apart during the trial process because he got to question me himself in court because he showed up without a lawyer. After that he stalked me and my family for 3 years. He would call all day every day no matter if we changed our number. He would slash our car tires every 2 weeks. He tried to run over my dad as he left work one day and almost ran him down with his car. He tried to kidnap me from school. My parents had a protective order to keep him away from me. Eventually we had to leave that province.

 

 

The last time I saw him I was 35. When his mother, my grandmother died. I REFUSE to ever see him again.

 

My fourth abuser I prefer not to name here.

 

And I was also drugged and raped at 19.

[Seraphim]

As a result of child sexual abuse and my father's domestic violence against my mom and my brother and I and neglect by my father I have PTSD and a Panic Disorder which developed later in my life. I would say around 40 or so.

[Blue_Skirt]

Finally after a lot of searching on the internet, reading books and watching television programs about the subject, I had the courage to think about therapy. That’s more than 9 years ago now. I thought I needed professional help, that I could not do it alone.

 

So I went there, I felt horrible, I could not open up, I was afraid what would happen, afraid of my own reactions. For me, the lady came in the category “doctor” and doctors are very dangerous people for me. I need to be nearly dead before I will ever set foot in a doctors’ office again or someone needs to take me by the hand and go to that doctors’ office but that is embarrassing as well for someone of my age.

 

I only go to my dentist for a check up every year. And that is fine for me. I take care of my teeth very well, that is in my control. But when it comes to doctors, I would only go there if I have a problem. And having a problem and asking for help makes me feel a “weak” person. I feel that I have no power.

 

Long story short, I had a couple of sessions, 5, 6 or 7, I don’t know the exact number anymore. I could not open up. I had the impression that lady was only listening to me because that was what she was paid for. There was not a sign of compassion for me. Now I do understand that therapists should not get personally involved, but it was just not the right person for me. Also, sometimes I just would have wanted to talk longer but the sessions were only 1 hour and then the session was stopped. I broke it off after a couple of sessions. I also did not like the atmosphere in the room.

 

But the fact that I acknowledged that I had a problem and that I needed help was another milestone on my road to healing. Because before that, I was simply in denial. I thought I was doing great, that all was o.k., but in fact I was just putting up a show. So in that sense the therapy sessions were a good thing and I would recommend everyone to get therapy!

[Blue_Skirt]

SpottiOtti, there will be more. I'll be back either later today or tomorrow.

[abitbroken]

I just realized that the reason I am upset about her not bringing it up, is because I feel as though she is rejecting that part of me. I know that doesn't mean it is true and also that I am hypersensitive to this perceived rejection, because I have felt since it happened that I am fundamentally unclean and unlovable, and I look for evidence that this is so. I feel that people will come to see, sooner or later, how dirty and unworthy I am, and they will reject me. At the same time I crave acceptance, for my total self. Anyone else identify with this feeling?

 

I am glad that you are recognizing that this is not your sister's issue and she doesn't have a problem for not knowing what to say, and that its within you. That is good self responsibility. Now, how can you receive the validation in a healthy way? Perhaps a support group for abuse survivors, etc, would be helpful here. It helped me immensely. I was not sexually abused so cannot relate to that but was abused by an ex spouse and his family. And I am glad you recognize this before automatically taking things out on your sister.

 

Maybe telling her that you feel you need to be heard would be good. But you have to make her not the ONLY confidante on this because it wears the other person out if they are the only keeper of a secret or the only one you can feel you can talk to about something.

 

Yes, she did not have a voice either. I understand that now.

 

 

I always felt that what that doctor did was wrong, that it was not normal, even though my mother did not say anything. I just remember my feelings of shame and embarrassment. Now that I am older and dealing with my issues, I know that it was wrong. And if this would happen to me today, I would really look into where I could report this case of what that doctor had done to me.

 

My pediatrician examined me and gave me and my mom the info that I might be someone who would start having her period early and it was pretty routine. And saying one's breast buds are starting to develop is pretty matter of fact. I think it was your shame that was skewing the comments to be suggestive and pervy. Maybe 11 was a borderline age for a child to take their shirt off for exams - it wouldn't have been done today perhaps unless the doc was specifically needed to visually look at your chest (burns, breast abnormalities, surgical scars, wounds) and the parent or female nurse would be present for it. And he didn't touch you inappropriately, right> I am 5 years younger than you and remember taking my shirt off for the doctor until a certain age. I am not trying to be insensitive, but I know in other situations -fully clothed, normal environments, I was always horrified for someone to mention anything about my figure or developing "a bit is really growing into a lovely young lady - you'll have to chase the boys away" "you should wear a bigger sweater, it is too tight around your breasts (a mom comment), would have absolutely horrifed me and make me wish I was a boy for a few minutes or totally flat chested. But then i would have had other hang ups.

[Blue_Skirt]

And saying one's breast buds are starting to develop is pretty matter of fact. I think it was your shame that was skewing the comments to be suggestive and pervy. Maybe 11 was a borderline age for a child to take their shirt off for exams - it wouldn't have been done today perhaps unless the doc was specifically needed to visually look at your chest (burns, breast abnormalities, surgical scars, wounds) and the parent or female nurse would be present for it. And he didn't touch you inappropriately, right> I am 5 years younger than you and remember taking my shirt off for the doctor until a certain age.

 

I needed to take off my shirt because he needed to listen to my heart. His words were literally: “O, I see that the tulips bulbs are starting to sprout”. Fact is, I was not there to have my breasts examined, neither was he a pediatrician, just a normal family doctor. I was there because another doctor had heard a strange noise when listening to my heart. He did not touch me inappropriately but I still felt embarrassed and ashamed.

 

Also the fact that I had to come back again and again and again and even was put on medication was not helpful for the situation. And I was never sent to hospital for a further check up. Finally my mom got so fed up that she simply asked whether I could play my sport yes or no. But honestly, as of today I don’t know whether there is anything wrong with my heart. Probably the doctor simply wanted to make some money because he could send a bill for each visit.

 

In any case it has not helped me to trust doctors.