Upcoming days and weeks

[KennyK]

No the sister did not live with them, or watch them. In fact, my girlfriend watched the sisters sin for 2 years so the sister could work. The child even called My girlfriend "mommy" sometimes. That got under evil sisters skin.

 

I know I'm not supposed to feel any different right now, but I feel paralyzed. I don't want to move on without her, she was the happiest I've ever been in my life. And after all this I'm not so sure ill reach that same level of happiness. No matter what happens, it would be THAT much better with Her around.

 

I keep hearing ill look back one day and feel different. Why? What is possibly going to change? I know exactly what I want in my life and its now unobtainable. Lucky me.

[Tanzi]

I keep hearing ill look back one day and feel different. Why? What is possibly going to change? I know exactly what I want in my life and its now unobtainable. Lucky me.

 

Because we have a way of getting on with life. We have to. Whatever life throws at us we have a way of wading our way through it and learning so much about ourselves in the process. You won't be stuck in this for the rest of your life. You just wouldn't be able to cope with that, something will kick in - some kind of defence mechanism ... but you do need to give yourself time to get through this and so do people around you. Eventually something within you will kick in and you will gradually start moving on with your life. You will take with you your precious memories and forever hold your gf close to your heart but we are monogonous creatures and, without you probably even being aware, your heart will open up and you will want to BE loved again as much as you will want TO love again. That doesn't mean to say that you won't stop loving your girlfriend but it will be different kind of love at that point. It will be like loving two people in two different ways and neither will feel wrong.

 

You know, when I was pregnant for the 2nd time I remember feeling incredibly guilty. After having invested so much of my love into my first daugher, it almost felt wrong to start sharing that love and the love was so powerful, I wondered whether or not I could possibly love another child in the same way or whether there was enough room in my heart for more love. Surely there is only so much love a heart can give? When my second daughter was born, I need not have worried, it all fell into place and my heart served out it's love in equally powerful measures. Now, I'm not saying it is exactly the same thing but I do believe that you will find a peace of mind where you will know that what you are stepping into is the right thing to do. All the concerns you have now will fade. You will move forwards confidently because you will be more focused on what is happening here than what could possibly happen in the afterlife. It will happen naturally because that is what HAS to happen for you to be able to have any kind of normal life and because that is what our mind, body and soul will naturally desire. That doesn't ever mean to say you will forget but you will one day be ready to live the life that you have been blessed with and be lucky enough to still have. You may start to move on in your girlfriend's memory. Doing things that you know she would want you to do and she would also want to do if the tables were turned. She will be your inspiration to start off with. But you are not there yet. One day you will be. You can't see that now and why should you? Just try not to put yourself under too much pressure on how you think you should be feeling now or in the future.

[Tanzi]

Just hold on to what you two had for now

[KennyK]

I don't want our love to be any different though

 

I don't want to think of her as a friend from long ago because she was so much more than that. I think I'd purposely not date if I knew my feelings for her were going to change. I mean think about it... If she is there, waiting, she's waiting for me. I'm just suppose to show up and say sorry I changed?

 

It the tables were turned I do think she would start dating eventually, she believed in the need for companionship, maybe even love again. But it wouldn't be on the same level as what we had, and she wouldn't be having and kids with new guy since she already has some.

 

I think she would take the companionship and possibly a lighter version of love, but look forward to reuniting with me again. And she would never stop writing me.

[Tanzi]

Well perhaps look at it this way .... even if you/me/anyone were to settle, it is with kindred spirits who are settling also. I don't mean that in a negative way - just with someone who is willing to offer us what we can offer them.

[KennyK]

I don't know, it's all very tiring. I feel like I'm being worn down. If I can't figure out some way to at least have some decent hope of being with her again I'm going to feel even more lost.

[KennyK]

It's been almost a month now and it's already felt like a lifetime. I don't know how I can do this.

 

It's not right, she was supposed to be my future

[KennyK]

Actually, I just realized I'm going to be hitting the 1 month mark, her birthday, and Mother's Day all within a 2 week stretch. Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'm not sure I can simply find something else to do.

[Tanzi]

Perhaps you should speak to her parents and ask them if they were going to do anything to mark these ocassions. Her children would want to do something. Is the father letting the grandparents spend time with them? Perhaps you could all go somewhere together, to a special place to remember her birthday. I guess the dad might do something with them for Mother's Day but you could speak to her parents about her birthday.

[KennyK]

Perhaps you should speak to her parents and ask them if they were going to do anything to mark these ocassions. Her children would want to do something. Is the father letting the grandparents spend time with them? Perhaps you could all go somewhere together, to a special place to remember her birthday. I guess the dad might do something with them for Mother's Day but you could speak to her parents about her birthday.

 

 

I doubt it, they are all gearing up for the big custody battle. I've offered to help since being with her for 100% of her post divorce life, I would know things that her parents wouldn't, but it seems to get dismissed. I guess it goes back to the image they want to keep of her, the one they got along with, not the one with the strained relationship.

 

It is frustrating though. I know I can help their cause but they are just being too set in their ways to listen, and its going to be at the cost of the kids.

[Tanzi]

He isn't going to be able to stop the grandparents from seeing the children, even if he has he the legal right to be their main guardian. It is a shame it has to go to court and they can't agree something acceptable between them - for the children's sake. If it goes to court then it makes relations between the children's father and your girlfriend's parents very strained. He is the children's father though and providing he can care for the children properly, which I am sure he must be able to do, he has every right to bring his own children up. Nevertheless, if this had been agreed between them amicably then, under normal circumstances, surely he wouldn't have begrudged his children spending time with their grandparents.

 

That is their cause, btw, are they hoping for sole custody of the children?

[KennyK]

They are seeking sole custody except weekends. But...

 

Breaking news

 

I left work today because I couldn't think straight after this. The manipulative ex called. He's trying to get me to be on his side as a character witness obviously. But in doing so, he's given me much more information that the family has kept from me.

 

First thing he said was sorry about the funeral, how he fought for me to be a pall bearer but the family said no. I hadn't mentioned that bothered me so there may be truth in it.

 

He also said the death certificate (he got a copy) listed suicide as her cause of death. He doesn't believe it either. The tidbits of info he picked up from staying with the family after the funeral mesh very well with my theories. The parents know much more than they are letting on.

 

He said they mentioned an argument, but there wasn't one when I was there. A few other things to that may or may not be true, like the family talking bad about me, not really putting my letter with her. Stuff like that. I halfway believe the letter thing. The sister is not nice.

 

Anyway, one small step forward, 500 back.

[Tanzi]

Well, just be careful how far you let yourself get involved with this. You said he was manipulative, so just tread very carefully ...

 

Do you know if anyone can back up his stories?

 

That said, I don't think the grandparents should be seeking sole custody anyway. That is just my opinion, based on not knowing any facts of course. Nevertheless, he is their father and if the grandparents recognised this, they could come to an agreement between them whereby they could see them regularly, have them stay overnight, have them during holidays etc. They are seeking sole custody ... yet not for the weekends ... that seems a little odd to me. Is that sole custody or just them picking and choosing when they do and don't have them?

 

Still these children are the siblings of their lost daughter so I guess they are trying to hold on to something that belongs to her and also to keep them in the home and environment that they had grown used to. Has anyone tried to approach the children to find out where they would feel happiest? I'm not saying they should be given a choice, that would not be fair on them but I would have thought that it might have come up somehow in conversation.

 

Maybe these matters aren't for you to get involved with .. though now that you have been asked to be a character witness I suppose you are asked to get involved. Where does your instinct lie on this?

[KennyK]

Both sides are manipulative, cruel people.

 

The grandparents claim they have been raising the kids for 3 years now due to the inept ability of my girlfriend. Or at least that's how the ex put it. More likely its they've been helping them out and providing a home while the father hasn't helped at all.

 

I don't want to get involved. The grandparents control my interests since they have her cameras and other things I'm interested in, but the ex husband has been 1000x more forthcoming with information.

 

My instincts tell me this is my one chance to find bits of truth. I can confront the grandparents ( my girlfriends mother called from her office yesterday but left no message, so maybe she's trying to circumvent her husband).

 

I would tell them the kids father told me about it being listed as suicide and I'd like to know why that was kept from me, and that I felt left out and hurt regarding the funeral and I've been trying to make sense of it all. I'd ask them if I had done something for them to see me in a negative light.

[Tanzi]

Well if they aren't going to come to an amicable conclusion (joint custody even) and, if there are issues with the father not being supportive and the grandparents having brought them up for the last 3 years, then it really will have to be for the courts to decide. If both sides are manipulative and cruel then it is best to stay out of it as much as possible. If anyone asks you any questions, all you can do is tell the truth as you know. Don't speculate.

 

Maybe you should approach her parents about not being invited to the funeral. Getting these things off your chest might unburden you somewhat of certain emotions.

[KennyK]

I was thinking the same thing. I just hope I don't get supenaed, neither side will like me after hearing what I've seen.

 

I was thinking of using this sudden "need" as a bargaining chip as well. The parents are going to have to "help" me for me to even consider it. I just want answers and pictures.

 

Tomorrow , May 1 is my girlfriends birthday. I also am finally getting my hands on a police report. Here's to hoping I hold up.

[Tanzi]

Well, if that is the case, just tell things as you know it and don't let anyone manipulate you into being on their side. And be careful not to get yourself into something you can't handle if you are going to use their need for you as a bargaining tool. You are in a vulnerable position at the moment.

 

Hopefully the police report will answer some of your questions. Let me know how it goes. You can PM me if you prefer.

[KennyK]

Well the police report is a whole lot of nothing. It's just the incident report of the first officer there. I thought it was a little strange that the brother would arrive and be there before the police. But maybe it was treated as a medical call first, even though she had been long deceased. It did say the case was still active though. Maybe the corrections I gave to the timeline will help.

 

With today being her birthday, I decided to make her a book (she preferred made gifts) about what I love about her. I even went to Office Depot and made it all pretty. I'm a horrible artist but I think she would have liked it.

 

I also decided to have lunch at her site. Sort of like meeting her for lunch like we enjoyed to do so much. It is so difficult to "talk" to her now. I wish I knew why. But I read my book, I got a birthday card too. I put the lyrics to the beatles song "I will" at the end. I couldn't sing it to her, too difficult.

 

As I was about to read the birthday card, her brother and his wife showed up. The brother is the most rational, sane one in the family. We all had a good talk. The custody case started today. I told him I hoped to not be dragged into it as I wouldn't be good to either side. I told him my worries and concerns, we traded stories. And they seemed to appreciate my book. They wanted to show the father so I accepted.

 

I did forget to read the birthday card though. But, he seemed certain she loved me. He said that whenever they talked she would say she wanted to marry me or get a house together. And he said I was a father to the kids more in the 2 years than he ever saw the ex being. It was a nice thought.

 

Though the stories he had of how happy she was with me were a little dated, so it doesn't provide complete comfort. They were all from roughly a year ago.

 

On the way home my girlfriends father called. He invited me to a little gathering at their house to celebrate her life. A pizza party since she would have liked that. The brother, his wife, and her parents will be there. I'm not sure about the sister. I know it sounds bad, but I will have a much better time, and be more relaxed if she isn't around. It'd be more like swimming in a pool with sharks if she was there.

[Tanzi]

How comforting that her brother and his wife showed up too. To talk to them, even if their stories were a little dated, must have made the day more special than being their alone with your memories.

 

The sister is bound to have been invited to the gathering so expect her to be there. She might night go of course but they wouldn't not invite her. It is nice that the parents are including you and, if the sister is there, you don't have to speak to her to any great length.

 

So did the report say that it had been ruled as a suicide?

[KennyK]

Yes, it has been ruled a suicide but the case is pending the toxicology report.

 

The sister was there, but I never really had to talk to her and everyone else made an effort to include me. The brothers in-laws (they were there too). Are incredibly nice people, they've been the most sympathetic people out of that bunch, in person. And I only meet them 2-3 times when she was alive.

 

But they all gave me their approval tonight. Said I helped her in ways they couldn't, that I was always there for her. And that they wished she met me before the ex. The sister left early of course, coincidence?

 

On another down note, the note I gave her to put in my girlfriends jacket was not in there. I think it's likely that my letter in the day of the funeral never made it either

 

I was the last one to leave tonight. I think they enjoyed having me over. We tried to figure out what happened some more, I think they are leaning more towards my theory. And I'm happy to say they do plan on fighting the suicide judgement once the custody over the kids has been decided.

 

I can't say I feel any better though. I miss her. I mentioned to the parents that its difficult losing the love of your life, they gave the old you'll find someone and be happy eventually speech. Even after I brought up my afterlife scenarios. Their daughter was unique, they know that. Is it such a stretch that I won't ever be as happy as I was with her?

 

I just wish people would understand.

[Tanzi]

It's because those who have had experience with having to move on from a lost love know that it is possible to love as much again. I know you have your lost your girlfriend in much more tragic circumstances meaning you have a lot more to deal with emotionally - but life goes on and we have a way of moving on with it. We have to, or it sucks us under. Most people on here who have broken up with the person they believed was the love of their life feel that they will never find someone else. It is a natural emotion. I am feeling it too ... but I have been here before. I know I can and will move on from being stuck where I feel I am right now. I know I have the capabilities of being happy again one day. As I said above, I know you are dealing with much more grief than most of us, but you will still heal in the same way as we all have to eventually.

 

I am glad that the gathering went well and the brothers were of some comfort to you. It seems that they all did recognise what you meant to her.

 

You could always write your girlfriend another note, then burn it and the sprinkle the ashes somewhere significant. Do you think that might help?

[KennyK]

I don't think it would help, I never said goodbye. That's always going to haunt me.

 

I disagree that it's those who know saying I will move on. It's the people that don't know. When you lose a mother, sister, or child, you aren't expected to eventually replace the loss with someone else. You move on, but the hole is there. Why is it so different for a lost partner? Because society says so?

 

It sounds cliche but she really was one of a kind. I was incredibly lucky to even meet her (even if it was 15 years later than she wanted), I was incredibly lucky that she picked me to create a life with out of all the guys chasing her. Yet I'm told that no matter what I'm just going to move along to a "replacement". They're quick to say it won't be a replacement, but something different. Again, this doesn't apply to ANY other kind of loss. Would I like a family eventually? Maybe. But not anywhere near as much as I want to do everything in my power, no matter how insignificant it is, to risk not being with her the way I want when my time comes.

 

Critics will come and say its a wasted, lonely life. But I know what I want. And it's not coming back.

[Tanzi]

Kenny, no-one is expecting you to do anything right now other than to grieve. No one is expecting you to go and find a replacement.

 

You are the one talking about the future - about being lonely - and mostly what people are saying to you is an automatic response. Nevertheless, it IS said based on what people really believe and it IS said based on experience. My grandad found love again. My auntie found love again.

 

No-one is expecting you to find someone right now or even for the foreseeable future and no-one feels that you need to find a replacement ... BUT .... no-one expects you to be lonely and loveless for ever either. In the grand scheme of eternity, we are only on this earth for a few short years and in that time we have a job to do - to keep life going, to procreate. Therefore we have a natural desire to love and to be loved and that is what carries us forward .....

 

Of course we can't replace a parent or child - they are people who gave birth to us and whom we gave birth too. You only have one dad, you only have one mum ... but we can have many loves. That is not belittling what you feel for your girlfriend or what you are going through right now ... but as I keep stressing to you, this is something you shouldn't be concerning yourself with right now anyway. What happens in the future happens and what doesn't, doesn't. It is your life and it is up to you how you live it.

[KennyK]

I disagree again. But we came accross this earlier. I'm a believer that there is that one person out there that you just connect with like no other. There are people you connect great with, but it's not the same. Not everyone takes a chance on this person, and it doesn't always seem like the best fit situationally, but nobody can ever relate, understand, and love you like that person will.

 

Also, instead of thinking about "replacements" in actual bloodlines, consider the roles these people play. When you lose a father figure, you don't necessarily go looking for another. And those that do quite often develop issues. I don't believe in the many loves theory. I believe you can fall in love at some point and grow out of it, but I don't consider that "true love". True love is that sympatic relationship that sticks and grows together, you find yourself adopting each others personalities.

 

It's a tough break, but to say lonely and loveless isn't accurate either. I only mean to seek a way to live that wont risk even a tiny chance that I would be with her again. It's easy to say we have no control over it, but how do you really know?

 

I realize I am the one stuck on this subject. It's important to me to figure out before time dulls my senses.

[Tanzi]

Well we are going to have to agree to disagree. I can only base my opinions on my own experiences but I can say this ... my loves were most definitely true loves and I can't accept it any other way. The love, the joy, the pain, the anguish ... they were all real. These relationships brought different things to my life at different stages of my life. They also taught me a lot about myself.

 

All that I am about to say is not said to prove to you that you will find love again one day. That is for you to discover - or not, as the case may be. Perhaps some of us are capable of loving more than once, maybe some of us aren't. That does not make my loves any less true than yours however ...

 

Experiencing my first love - not my first boyfriend - my first love ... actually scared me. I loved him so much it hurt. For the first two years we spent almost every day with each other, experiencing many emotions and situations for the first time together. When we first split (briefly after an argument but I thought he meant it) the pain I felt was like nothing I had ever known before. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. They say the first cut is the deepest ... well that is true ... but not because the pain lessens the more you go through it, it just becomes less of a shock. He was my double and when we both started work at 18 and our careers started taking us along separate paths, I am pretty damn sure I suffered some kind of separation anxiety. I couldn't function without him by my side. But we were young, resilient and we both had no choice but to accept where our new lives where taking us. We ended up living in different towns and after another 2 years together our relationship came to a mutual end because we had both grown up and grown apart. He was my first true love but we were too young to have had a whole life time together .... but I won't forget all those first time experiences.

 

My husband came into my life some years later. I'd had boyfriends in between but no-one I connected with. It was different with my husband. Once again I was swallowed up by the intensity of our feelings and how right everything felt when we were together. My life made sense when I was with him. After just a few weeks together it felt as if we had known each other for years. We stayed together for 13 years and brought 3 children into this world. We shared special moments that I will never share with anyone else ... the joy of finding out I was pregnant, the joy of giving birth and the joy of watching those children grown into the beautiful young ladies they are today. OK, so the last 6 years we haven't done that side by side but we are still very much on friendly terms. We look out for each other and we are there for each other when need be. When my current relationship ended he was the first one offering comfort and sympathy. I told him that everyone had been amazing and he said "that is because YOU are amazing and everyone wants to be there for you" ... my ex-husband said that! We have a special and unique bond that will NEVER be broken. But, again, for reasons and issues that he has that are beyond our control it was not meant to be.

 

You love your girlfriend enough to have married her, dont you? Well that is how much I loved my ex-husband. I loved him enough to give my whole being to him. What makes our loves any different? You can't determine what would have happened 13 years after you married your girlfriend any more than I could with my now ex-husband. I thought we were going to be together for ever. Just like you feel now ....

 

So now to today and to my current love and subsequent break up (3 years after my marriage ended) .... On our second date, we ended up spending 4 days solidly together (the kids were with their dad), barely letting go of each other. Connecting with him was like a sudden blow that knocked the wind out of both of us.

 

Today

Not a good day. I didn't sleep much last night, if at all really. What sleep I did get was fitful. Yesterday my ex-boyfriend emailed me. We ended up emailing back and forth until the early hours of the morning. He was having a bad day. He is missing us all. In his initial email he said that the beautiful weather made him feel that we should be preparing for a BBQ in the garden and having fun together. In another he told me how perfect I was. Apparently he cried for us the other day - in front of his friends, no less. He said many things. But he also said that no matter how much he loves me and no matter how much he misses us, this HAS to be the right decision because he is not ready for my life. We are at different stages of our lives. I have 15 years of experience on him. My life, as I will grow to live it, is not what he wants for his own future. However, I know all this and I really didn't need this to be rehashed. He reopened wounds that I have worked hard at healing. He took me right back to where I started, emotionally, and at 2am I was still wide awake, hurting and frustrated and trying to compose an email to him. It was 4am before I was able to send it. Not more than 2 hours later I had to be up to get the children into school. Whether it was lack of sleep or purely just my emotions, I don't know, but I couldn't control my tears. I tried so hard not to cry. I cried in the car, I cried when I was dropping my youngest at her classroom door and, now that I am home I at still crying. I am typing this, crying ... my head is pounding. My 7 year old actually said "please, mummy, don't cry any more". How bad I felt for her. I tried to laugh and smile through my tears for her sake. Oh how I hate my ex-boyfriend right now. My heart has broken all over again. For either me or my boyfriend to move on from each other we need to cut all ties completely but knowing that I will not ever feel his arms around me again or feel his lips on mine or to feel his body on mine again is killing me right now. So please, please, please don't tell me that this wasn't, or isn't, true love ... but we are't meant to be together. The 15 year age gap, has determined that we cannot be together. We are two souls who could have/should have/would have been together ... in another world ... in a perfect world ... but it doesn't exist. If it did, you and I wouldn't be hurting in our own ways right now.

 

He asked me last night if I had met anyone else - he seems to think I have men falling at my feet. He also seems to think I am going to move on quicker than he is. I think that was what was bugging him mostly yesterday and why he reached out ... most probably because it had been a while since we last heard from each other and the the mind starts playing tricks. Also I NEVER reach out to him first, but that is because this is his decision mostly and I'm trying to cope with that - but he can't seem to cope with me coping.

 

Kenny, the thought of another man touching me or loving me as he has for the last 3 years is unimagineable. I can't imagine being in love with anyone else and I cannot imagine sharing that unique bond with anyone else. I can't bare to think of it. I don't want to think about it ... so please don't think I don't understand what you are going through and how you are feeling right now because I really do. I know you have suffered a tragic loss and my heart aches for you but your love for your girlfriend was just as special as mine. I have experienced these emotions twice before - on this same painful level - and I did move on to love as deeply again. They were all true loves for their time. My love was real. Their love is real. Our connection was real. And now my pain is real.

 

One day, when I am ready, I will love again. I know I will ... and it will be as deep and meaningful as the last and also capable of causing me as much pain. Anything else just isn't love to me. That is my experience, that is my belief and I need to hang on to that.

 

What I have felt in the past and what I will feel again one day is as true as what you feel for your girlfriend. You have suffered a terrible tragedy and I can completely understand where you are right now. I am not undermining your love for your girlfriend in anyway by suggesting that one day you will find love again but neither can my loves be undermined by the fact that I did find love again. Maybe some of us need to love and be loved more than others, therefore it makes us more susceptible to fall in love again than others.

 

I am sorry to have gone on about me. This shouldn't be about me. I am just having one of those days.