Upcoming days and weeks

[Tanzi]

That's understandable to an extent. Not knowing something is far worse than knowing but again this urge will lessen too. I would wait it out because I'm not sure looking at her emails is the answer. I would think she would want you to trust her. Do you have any reason to believe she was flirting with or seeing someone else? You can always get in touch with Sony to help them recover your account.

 

No, I'm not a counselor .... I've just had a lot of emotional upheavel and experience in the last few years.

[KennyK]

That's understandable to an extent. Not knowing something is far worse than knowing but again this urge will lessen too. I would wait it out because I'm not sure looking at her emails is the answer. I would think she would want you to trust her. Do you have any reason to believe she was flirting with or seeing someone else? You can always get in touch with Sony to help them recover your account.

 

No, I'm not a counselor .... I've just had a lot of emotional upheavel and experience in the last few years.

 

Unfortunately Sony is particularly unhelpful with such things. But that's more of a smaller side issue.

 

The one thing I can honestly say that I know nothing about her, is what she did during the day. She would always say cleaning or something... But that'd be a lot more cleaning than what I saw. Her actions certainly didn't support anything else, just the questionable gap during that time frame. We had issues very early on with such things. As for trusting her, I always wanted to. But being bipolar she would find a way to sabotage something simple for no reason. She said she didn't know why she told me little white lies. Aside from that, the week if the accident she called one day saying "sorry for everything I've ever done to you", but after being pressed about it, she said she was referring to early on.

 

So those are the reasons I wonder about it. Not to mention its my best chance to salvage some more pictures.

[Tanzi]

I don't think there is any reason to believe that she was doing anything she shouldn't have been doing. Would it help, though, to know that she had? Wouldn't you prefer to preserve the memories you have? I don't know, I mean it's up to you. Salvaging precious pictures is something anyone in your situation would want to do but I don't think you will do the situation any good if you start looking for evidence that she was involved in any way with someone else.

[KennyK]

I don't think there is any reason to believe that she was doing anything she shouldn't have been doing. Would it help, though, to know that she had? Wouldn't you prefer to preserve the memories you have? I don't know, I mean it's up to you. Salvaging precious pictures is something anyone in your situation would want to do but I don't think you will do the situation any good if you start looking for evidence that she was involved in any way with someone else.

 

In a way it'd help. If she wasn't sure or was having doubts, I wouldn't have to worry about the "soul mate" dilemma. And if there's nothing, it will all be reaffirmed. I look at us as worst case I find out we were just best friends that hoped for more.

 

Just an update. The father of the kids was watching them this weekend but hasn't brought them back to the grandparents house. He sent a note saying he wasn't going to do so.

[KennyK]

Looked over old texts, I was such a jerk all year long. She kept asking what she has to do for me to believe, hinted at houses. And I just blew her off. I don't want to see her email anymore. I deserve anything age did, no way I was good enough to be the one for her. Problem solved.

[KennyK]

So I had my first dream about her. She was dead in it too. I was calling to hear her voice mail, and her sister picked up, I explained what I was doing, called back and there was a brand new angry voice mail by my girlfriend explaining what was going on.

 

This hurts so much. Is she gone even in my dreams?

[Tanzi]

No she hasn't gone from your dreams but dreams aren't real, your memories are. Dreams are interpretations of our emotions and will often be negative if we are feeling negative.

 

I think you are looking at everything that could be perceived wrong in your relationship. You must have had good moments and good times. Are your texts really that bad that they make you a jerk - or are you just seeing it that way? Just like when a relationship ends, we start picking out the things that make us feel worse about the situation and forget about the things that could make us feel better. Suddenly our ex's are put on pedestals and we did everything wrong to make them leave us when, in fact, if we were to look back properly on the relationship we will remember times when we wondered why we were still with this person or how annoying some of their habits were. Suddenly they become perfect. In that sense you are doing the same thing. I don't know why we do that. I guess it's out emotions dictating our thoughts.

 

Are there any updates on what is happening with the children?

[KennyK]

You're probably right about looking back. But I am also sure I could have been nicer, we all probably can. She loved me, and I wish I would have shown how I felt more. Regret.

 

Now I'm trying to figure out that if she is the one for me, how do I make sure I get another chance when all I said and done? Living for 50 years without her seems like such a long time. I know she'd want me to have a family, but for me to still love her the most if that makes sense.... I think it does, I think love is a selfish, intimate emotion that loses power when you start adding more people to the mix. That's why we have couples.

 

As for the kids, I think the oldest boy is ok, he looks up to his father for whatever reason. The younger boy and the 2 girls were still in a state of shock when they left. So no real news yet, just preparations for a legal battle between the ex husband and my girlfriends parents.

[Tanzi]

You're right ... we could all be nicer sometimes. I look back at my ex relationship now and wonder if I was the best person I could have been.

 

I have never believed that there is only one person out there for us. My first love was exactly that, a first love ... but we were youngs and, after 4 years together, we grew apart and we inevitably went our own ways. I later married because I was in love with my husband. That ended when he left me for someone else and, at the time, I didn't think that I would ever love someone else ... but I did and it was an intense and amazing love. That has sadly ended due to issues that we have no control over. I love him and he still loves me but the fact that we are at different stages of our lives mean that we don't have any real future. I am hurting (which is why I found my way back here) and, once again, I wonder if I can find another love like this one ... but I've been here before and I have come through it to find happiness again. I have to have faith that I will find that again ... as many of us will, as YOU will too one day. I really do believe we find "the one" throughout different chapters of our life. You will find someone else to love and to create a new life with ... but that is for the future.

 

What a shame that there has to be legal battles over the children at this sad time. Surely, for their sake, it would be better if they could share custody. The more people around the children to love them, the better.

[KennyK]

I agree with chapters to an extent, but at the same time there are those couples that change, adapt, and grow together, and embrace it the entire time.

 

This was the first time I've ever had everything I wanted. My strengths were her weaknesses and vice versa. I don't feel like i got the chance to see where this would go, but I have a pretty good feeling we'd be happy and grow old together. Not to say we wouldn't have ups and downs, but still... I feel there was something deeper there. I could have just walked away completely so many times.

 

I found a letter explaining how I feel... link removed

 

He did eventually remarry, but she wasn't ever removed from the "top spot" in his heart. And if there is an afterlife, or whatever comes next, I'd have to believe that he would choose to be with her. I too want that chance. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize or lessen the meaning.

 

Also recently popped into my mind, is how do I forgive the sister? Do I even bother? If her grandmother, her brother's mother in law, all knew we were close, how could she not have? The parents even said they knew. The sister lied.

 

To further my point, my girlfriends parents are calling me asking if I know of my girlfriends wishes for the kids, and if I know of any in writing... That's quite a lot to have "never opened up" about me. I kind of want to write the sister and voice my feelings, but I don't know what good it would do.

[Tanzi]

I agree with chapters to an extent, but at the same time there are those couples that change, adapt, and grow together, and embrace it the entire time.

 

Yes there are, when they can be together but life takes many twists and turns and plenty of people find themselves without the person they consider to be "the one". I really do wish there was "the one" at times because then, despite our issues, my ex and I would still choose to be together. If we were really made for each other and still loved each other, wouldn't we try to jump over certain hurdles? I dunno, love is a complex thing and I'm not sure anyone can really understand it.

 

I found a letter explaining how I feel... link removed

 

He did eventually remarry, but she wasn't ever removed from the "top spot" in his heart. And if there is an afterlife, or whatever comes next, I'd have to believe that he would choose to be with her. I too want that chance. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize or lessen the meaning.

 

That is a lovely meaningful letter ... BUT ... in the afterlife, what would happen to Richard Feynman's wife whom he remarried? What if she would chose to be with him in the afterlife? And was it fair to put her in that position where she will be alone in the afterlife because he chooses to be with his first wife? Or, in life, was it fair to marry her when he perhaps should have allowed her to find the true love of her life - someone who would love her as much as he loved his first wife? I don't know. I really don't believe there would be a true balance of happiness if we couldn't move on to love as much again ... Maybe this is something to which there are a multitude of answers to ... or maybe none at all.

 

You will only move on to marry someone else when you are ready to let go of all thoughts of jeapardising meeting in the afterlife. That is something you need to hang on to at the moment ... that is normal and understandable but I am sure there will come a time when you will start to move forwards with your life. Life is a natural progression of events. But that is something that you needn't worry about now. You have a lot to get through and, right now, you just need to allow yourself to grieve without thinking too much into the future. Take one day at time for the moment.

 

 

Also recently popped into my mind, is how do I forgive the sister? Do I even bother? If her grandmother, her brother's mother in law, all knew we were close, how could she not have? The parents even said they knew. The sister lied.

 

I don't think you need to be concerning yourself with her sister. Your girlfriend didn't get along with her for - and you can probably understand why now. She might well have known you were close but if she wasn't close to her sister she probably didn't care to think about your relationship. I really wouldn't waste your valuable energy on her, you need to concentrate on YOU now ... and maybe being there for her parents.

[KennyK]

Yes there are, when they can be together but life takes many twists and turns and plenty of people find themselves without the person they consider to be "the one". I really do wish there was "the one" at times because then, despite our issues, my ex and I would still choose to be together. If we were really made for each other and still loved each other, wouldn't we try to jump over certain hurdles? I dunno, love is a complex thing and I'm not sure anyone can really understand it.

 

I see what you're saying, but people grow and develop, some together some not. Is it not equally possible your ex may have been a good or even a great fit, but not "the one". Regardless, you had the chance to grow and give it a shot, I didn't. All I know is she was willing to put up with a lot from me, and hardly complained in doing so. It's completely possible we were going to grow in the same path.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is a lovely meaningful letter ... BUT ... in the afterlife, what would happen to Richard Feynman's wife whom he remarried? What if she would chose to be with him in the afterlife? And was it fair to put her in that position where she will be alone in the afterlife because he chooses to be with his first wife? Or, in life, was it fair to marry her when he perhaps should have allowed her to find the true love of her life - someone who would love her as much as he loved his first wife? I don't know. I really don't believe there would be a true balance of happiness if we couldn't move on to love as much again ... Maybe this is something to which there are a multitude of answers to ... or maybe none at all.

 

You will only move on to marry someone else when you are ready to let go of all thoughts of jeapardising meeting in the afterlife. That is something you need to hang on to at the moment ... that is normal and understandable but I am sure there will come a time when you will start to move forwards with your life. Life is a natural progression of events. But that is something that you needn't worry about now. You have a lot to get through and, right now, you just need to allow yourself to grieve without thinking too much into the future. Take one day at time for the moment.

 

 

To be fair, I don't know the reasons for remarrying in his case. I do know she didn't get a nice little letter like that though. But this is the position I'm in, no matter what I accomplish, I'd still trade it to bring her back. Everything is a second choice. Is that fair to others? I certainly don't think so. Thus my dilemma, live now and don't worry about what's next, or function as well as I can, and have faith that we will be reunited.

 

I realize it may sound silly objectively, but there is a difference when you're in the midst of something special. Maybe it's easier to think I have another chance because I can't bear to think that I was cheated, and that's that...

 

I have a huge problem with the "ant colony" idea of everyone loving everyone. It just doesn't sound appealing. But i just don't know what to think. It took me 30 years just to make this connection.

 

It's a tough call. Obviously as you stated before, we are different people at different stages. But that doesn't automatically follow that certain people can't fill important roles for you in more than one chapter. A best friend from grade school could be a romantic interest in college, fall out of your life after that, only to be friends again in old age. Also, a person from a single chapter may have a bigger impact than someone that's been in your entire life. Wouldn't it make sense to pick the one you were happiest in? I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but I know right now, given the option, she would be picking me.

 

And you're completely right about the sister of evil. I'm convinced you've missed your calling as a counselor, very thought provoking.

[Tanzi]

But this is the position I'm in, no matter what I accomplish, I'd still trade it to bring her back. Everything is a second choice. Is that fair to others? I certainly don't think so. Thus my dilemma, live now and don't worry about what's next, or function as well as I can, and have faith that we will be reunited.

 

I realize it may sound silly objectively, but there is a difference when you're in the midst of something special. Maybe it's easier to think I have another chance because I can't bear to think that I was cheated, and that's that... .

 

Of course you would. That is totally understandable. You will, in time, learn to accept the situation for what it really is ... that there is nothing you can do to bring her back. You need time to work through a multitude of emotions before you can even think about getting on with your life on any normal level ... BUT ... when you get to that place, you will start to live "for now" and not worry about what is happening next. That is all any of us can do. Someone will come into your life when they are destined to. They may have suffered equally as you and you may have a mutual respect and understanding that surpasses anything you have experienced before. I don't want to go too much about you meeting somebody else because that is the LAST thing you want to imagine or want to hear right now. Just have some faith in your future without worrying about it too much and focus on YOU now.

[KennyK]

All valid points, but don't we spend our lives preparing ourselves to get in the position we desire? What would be the difference?

 

Suppose she's wherever waiting on me like she said. Me moving on betrays that. If I end up with someone else that I'd rather be with over her, well that spits on everything we had and said. I realize this may not make sense, I'm really confused right now, I miss her, and I want to do anything I can to even keep a sliver of hope alive that I can be with HER again.

[Tanzi]

All valid points, but don't we spend our lives preparing ourselves to get in the position we desire? What would be the difference?

 

I do believe we can actually get there. That doesn't mean that life can't still churn up unexpected challenges along the way but I am pretty sure we can get to a position where we feel at peace with life.

 

Suppose she's wherever waiting on me like she said. Me moving on betrays that. If I end up with someone else that I'd rather be with over her, well that spits on everything we had and said. I realize this may not make sense, I'm really confused right now, I miss her, and I want to do anything I can to even keep a sliver of hope alive that I can be with HER again.

 

Most people would like to know that their partners find happiness again if they were to leave this world. They would not choose a lifetime of loneliness for them. I can't even pretend to know what the afterlife would be like - or even if there is one - but, if there is, I cannot image that that it is filled with lost souls, all waiting on their partners. Life doesn't really work like that so I am sure the afterlife wouldn't either.

 

Maybe, at this moment in time, you are taking comfort from the fact that you will be together one day. If that is what you feel you want, then keep that thought close to your heart. Hang on to it for a while. I think you will naturally let go of that thought and the feeling that you are betraying her as time goes on. She will always be in your heart. You won't ever forget her but I am sure you will get to a point where you will find peace with yourself and with whatever choices you make in life.

[KennyK]

I don't mean to say they are lost souls either, even having a concept of time is just another wrench to throw into the equation. I don't really think they're just sitting around waiting either, no matter what I think happens when we die.

 

We go through life figuring out what we want, taking anything less is settling, right? I believe my "peak happiness" was with her. Anything else I do is just settling.

 

Not the best example, but consider this. You have a guy that just loves playing soccer. He loves the feel of the pitch, the sound the ball makes when he kicks it, the feel of a good strike. And he's been doing this for the first 30 years of his life.

 

Then an accident happens, his foot his amputated. He can still play soccer, but it's not the same. The feel is different, the little things he developed all those years are gone. No matter what after that, he would still rather have his foot again.

 

When his time comes, assuming he has any choice in the matter, don't you think he would pick a "paradise" where he hasn't lost it? Even if it means its a much earlier chapter of his life, but that's when he had the MOST potential to be happy.

 

Not the best example, but she is what I wanted in life when I could have been my happiest. If there is even the smallest chance that something I do or don't do, which you have to admit is at least possible since nobody knows, affects that chance of being in another relationship, I owe it to myself to pursue it.

[Tanzi]

Well, no, it's not the best example because once you have lost a foot you would never get it back again!! But we can find love again ... when we are ready of course. I married my husband because he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but he left me for someone else. I was broken for a long while and thought that it would be impossible to find that again ... but I did ... I found love again ... true love ... not a settling love. I have never believed that we are incapable of finding that true love again but I do know that other people are a true believer of "the one" and there only ever being one chance of finding "the one". But perhaps that is down to personal experience.

 

However, as I said before, you don't want to hear that anyway. Finding someone else is not part of your life agenda at the moment. For now I guess you need to believe that you will meet again and you aren't ready to jeopadise that ... but we have a way of coping with life that allows us to move forwards and be happy and normal again. That time will come for you and then you will be open to anything. You aren't ready to think like that yet.

 

Have you heard from her parents at all?

[KennyK]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but couldn't you view your first husband as not being true love? The way I picture "true love" is a love that grows together, he chose not to. I can't say for sure if this would have been different, all I know is she certainly saw it happening that way now that I look back. I wish there was a button I could press that would say "ok ken, you're booked to be with her next time around, enjoy your time". Or even if I knew that there was nothing or no chance of that happening, at least I'd have closure.

 

Her parents have contacted me, mostly with updates on the kids and if I knew her passwords and stuff. They're gearing up for the legal battle. But no real news, I still have no idea what the official theory as to what happened was, or if she had been drinking, if it was ruled a suicidd or not. Nothing.

[Tanzi]

Well it felt true enough at the time - enough to want to choose to spend the rest of my life with him - and that is all we have to go on at the time. We don't know that it's going to fail in the future ... and if we hadn't got married I wouldn't have had my 3 beautiful daughters that were borne from that love. For that reason I will never look back and consider the relationship wrong or accept that he wasn't my true love. I see it that he was my true love in that chapter of my life. Our marriage ended almost 6 years ago now and I am totally over it. I had to get over it. I have been in love since, with a wonderful lovely man. It was an intense and amazing love and we were together for 3 years. I still am in love with him now but we aren't destined to be together. We broke up about 6 weeks ago now and we are both still struggling with it. I am hurting but I know I will get over it eventually and I truly do believe that I will find love again one day. I'm not ready now and I am not worrying about it now but I know one day it will happen again. It is all about connection and I believe we can connect with many people if our paths cross at the right time and in the right way.

 

If I were to view my ex-husband as not being my true love because of the path our relationship eventually took - how would we ever really know if anyone was our true love, because at the time we are with them and we are in love with them we really can't predict that it is going to go wrong in the future.

 

Has there been an official investigation into what the likelihood of events that night? Do you know what her parents theory is?

[KennyK]

My girlfriend had a similar situation. She met her at the time 25 year old ex husband when she was 17. They were married for 10 years and had 4 kids. She believed the kids weren't a mistake, but the marriage to him was. She was convinced she should have met me when she was 17, still have the 4 kids, they'd just look a little different. She also told me that despite all that, she never knew "true love" until we met. So if you want to look at it that way, we aren't a sure bet to have "true love" in every chapter, despite always desiring it. Some are lucky and find it early. Others get it for a brief second. The way I view it is its just a connection above and beyond, you know that no matter what obstacles get mixed in, you both will overcome it. Thus my problem with this obstacle.

 

It is entirely possible that I meet someone that makes me happy, but it won't be on the same level. It's like a vase that breaks, you can put it back together but it's never 100% again because you have the cracks.

 

There was an official investigation. I'm not sure in able to get a hold of the report even though I was interrogated as a witness (being the last one to see her, allegedly).

 

Her fathers theory is that she was sitting on the roof (though its over a 45 degree angle, it was cold dark and wet), reading. He thinks when he called out, she heard him from the roof and slipped coming back in. I don't find that likely, that was never a thinking spot for her. His other theory is she tried to jump down, even though she was found on her back.

 

All I know is her hands and feet were dirty, she was still in her sun dress, her moms old nursing books were found outside, and she was found on her back.

 

My theory was she was trying to shimmy to a lower part if the roof, and fell back or realized she couldn't make it, tried to go back and slipped. But the father says she was moving away from the lower part if the roof. How he knows? I don't know.

 

To make things more interesting, I told the father I noticed he took down her motivational posters I got her fit valentines day. He said he didn't take them down, that he found them cut up, each sentence that was part of the poster was now individual. I'm 99% sure they were still whole on her wall that night, that's the kind of thing I would have noticed. So if he really didn't take them down (I don't know that I trust him), that means she came down from the attic to do that, that night.

 

Just weird. The mother started to say "did we tell you what they put on her death certificate?" But the father cut her off. Makes me think they listed it as suicide? But I can't see her doing anything like that without seeing her kids first. Or leaving them a note or something..., those kids were her life. Very proud mother.

[Tanzi]

That is all so very sad. You will have to ask the mother again what they put on the death certificate ... unless you don't want to know. As regards suicide .... did she have suicidal tendencies? Was she having a bipolar episode? As you say, would she chose to leave the children so suddenly?

 

How are her parents coping? How are you coping?

[KennyK]

If someone that you KNOW was your true love died at a young age, before you were able to marry, is it OK to marry someone else you care for, and spend your earthly life honoring them, even though, in your heart, you know the first lost love was the only one you would truly wish to spend eternity with?

 

And if you cant continue that relationship when you die... Why establish something beautiful only to have it jerked away from you forever? Why pour your heart into something that's going to be snatched away?

 

Why move on after death to something that's difficult to understand where you have no choices to continue to build upon the love you're forged in the here and now?

 

Personal relationships are what make us who we are. If they don't exist when we die, or don't matter, then we aren't really even who we used to be, and what would even be the point of an afterlife?

[Tanzi]

We don't know what happens in the afterlife or even if there is one. All we can do is live the life we have on earth. Make the most of the time we have here. As I have said I dont believe that there is only one true love. Circumstances can lead us to connect and fall in love again. I would not ever settle for anything less than true love. If it feels right at the time then its true. Nevertheless life has a way of snatching those loves from our lives under many circumstances.

 

I guess you and I believe in different things when it comes to true love. All you can do is focus on grieving and let life takes it natural course without trying to worry about "settling". You don't have to do anything you don't want too. And when your ready, live the life you have "down here" without worrying about what happens in the afterlife.

[KennyK]

I guess I have a problem with the "time thing". All that will do is dull the senses, much like going out for a quick drink right now. Neither is the answer but it would make me feel better. I don't want to just feel better by dulling my senses. She would be totally against that.

[Tanzi]

I can understand that. You want to keep her memory alive and that is perfectly understandable. Just take each day as it comes. Don't put too much pressure on yourself or worry too much about the future, if you can help it. Take your time and allow yourself to come to terms with what has happened.