Upcoming days and weeks

[Tanzi]

Did her father ever reply to you about your balloon idea?

[KennyK]

Did her father ever reply to you about your balloon idea?

 

He did. He said it sounded nice and to call him to plan for this weekend. I've been debating on whether to email back with initial plans and call to confirm later in the week, or just to wait and call. This would really mean a lot to her, she often bugged me about talking to him more. And if its true that she didnt open up about me, then I would very much like him to know just how good we were for each other. I am thinking about bringing a couple notes with me and some stories like I mentioned in my last post.

 

This got me to thinking, but what if she had fallen out of live at some point? I didn't get a chance to talk to the "best friend" after the funeral, so I hsve no clue what they talked about, other than that she said "likewise" when I said I heard a lot about her.

 

And honestly, id like to have the journal, I mean I gave and dedicated it to her, but I could settle for reading it. I also gave her a "why I love you" book for valentines day 2012. I'm not sure i remember seeing that still in her room Sunday

[KennyK]

So I decided to email her neighbor, who also happens to be a pastor that performed her funeral service and she said she would be glad to meet with me tomorrow. Any suggestions on questions I can ask? She said she can't give out anything that was said in confidence. Though it would be nice to hear her say my gf came over and mentioned how in love she was. Or even that she had decided she wanted to move on from me. There would be a finality to that as well in a weird way.

 

She mentioned she had also wondered about my not being there for the viewing and cremation. So at least it's not just me. Anyway, I've been taking notes on what to ask or bring up, let me know what you think...

 

Not sure how to feel, understand everyone grieves in own way.

 

Service was upsetting, images of young 25 under her, ex husband speaking, burial wishes I know I have no control over

 

The "real" her comments.

 

The "never opened up about me" comments. Room emptied of all books and letters I wrote?

 

All this makes me wonder if I knew the real her or not... We'd spend a lot of time together, but if she didnt open up, did she not really feel the same for me?

 

She said she was so sure I was the one for her, does this mean she was wrong?

[Tanzi]

What the pastor will tell you is what she knows about your girlfriend. As you say, she can't tell you things that she was in confidence. Instead of asking certain questions, why not just open up to the pastor. Tell her the things that you have said on here. She will naturally reciprocate and tell you what she can that may be of help to you.

 

You were the one that got closest to your girlfriend. She obviously had a lot of problems, what the drinking and everything, so she was probably quite a complex person in that respect but you saw the real, emotional side of her. Some people can't open us as much as some people. Some wear their hearts on their sleeves whilst others stay guarded. If she said you were the one for her then I don't see why there isn't any reason to believe that.

 

So are you going to call her father too? It may help to get to know her parents a little better at this point. Talking to each other may help you both see a side to your girlfriend neither of you knew about. I'm not saying you didn't know her but if you never really saw her interact with her parents or witness her relationship with her parents there is still a part of her you didn't see.

[KennyK]

I figure meeting with the pastor will only help. As fit the parents, I spent many many many hours around them. They invited me on vacation with them, insisted that I be over their house when they went on vacation without her. Their relationship was often all out war over control of the kids. I did my best to stay out of it, but on my girlfriends side. Which means I didn't have too many sit down talks with her parents. All this was over a period of roughly 2 years. In reality, I don't blame the parents, namely the father, as much as the sister. He was in shock and grieving, she should have known better. My girlfriend didn't have anything good to say about her, ever. And the feeling was mutual. So of course she wouldn't open up about me. But when you see the same guy with her at the 4th of July, thanksgiving, Christmas etc, surely you can figure it out.

 

With that said, I don't have to speak to her again. I'd like the parents to see what we had though. Some of Her last words were that me and her father were the 2 most important men in her life, and she just wanted our approval. I think he would like to know that.

 

But yes, she had many problems. She was bipolar. I wish I knew more about it. Often I'd say I'm burnt out from getting yelled at, and cut her off. She wore her heart on her sleeve, as evident in her writing. I just don't understand why nobody else sees it. Maybe I'm reaching here. Hoping to keep a memory of our relationship alive in the general memory of her. Honestly though, I just want her back.

[Tanzi]

If you spent many hours around her parents they must know that you were an important person in her life. You should have been a the funeral, I'm not quite sure how that got overlooked. I would stay in touch with her parents, you may find that you need each other. When the shock has worn off, they may be able to open up to you more and visa versa and then you may be able to help each other through this. Talking to them may help you find some comfort. You mustn't blame yourself. She was obviously a very complex person with many problems and you dealt with it in the best way you could, as did her parents probably. They were probably trying to help in their own way.

 

Let me know how it goes with the pastor.

[KennyK]

By the way a-little-blue, I want to thank you for posting here with me. It's helping, and right now that's all I can ask for.

[Tanzi]

That's ok. I don't feel my words can offer you much comfort and I wish I could help you more but I'm glad its helping a little x

[KennyK]

That's ok. I don't feel my words can offer you much comfort and I wish I could help you more but I'm glad its helping a little x

 

Right now I'm in a numb phase, I think I'd rather feel sad. Or maybe it's still denial. There's a small sliver that thinks this could all be a big hoax, though I know it's not. And I halfway wish that I was in some coma driving home that night and soon I'll wake up to find her ok next to me.

 

Either way, it's important for me to let you, and everyone else in this thread know I really really do appreciate what you're doing. It's a long road for me, and I'm going to need to keep this going for a while.

[KennyK]

So I just met with her neighbor, who was also the pastor. I got some answers, some not. It was difficult to convey the more spiritual ones like the idea of "the one" and a soul mate that you're always supposed to be with.

 

She said the parents didn't really know what to do regarding funeral prep, and those that asserted themselves, particularly the ex, got to be involved. And that the old best friend was there bc they wanted to represent different chapters. Now, this is contrary to what the evil sister said. She said the father "needed" the best friend there.

 

The parents also could be using kid gloves in dealing with the ex due to the possession of the kids. Again, nothing that makes me feel better, and not exactly my gf's wishes.

 

She also said I had taken on a spousal role with her and the kids, and part of my difficult was being removed from this role, or not acknowledged.

 

She said she didn't believe she was stuck in a metal can in a hole in a rock, that was just a memorial. Ok fine.

 

The major disagreement is that over guilt. She said it wasn't a betrayal to move on. I guess.

 

But she said this was a crisis that I couldn't control, and a awful outcome happened. Well, while I couldn't control the crisis, I could have changed "this" outcome. The exact one that's the reason I'm here. And there's no sure bet that another tragic one was going to happen. So I'm not sure how to feel about that.

 

She said I should not care if I'm the only one that knows how great our relationship was. I used an analogy to being like a farmer claiming to have been abducted by aliens. After a while you get told you're crazy so much that it becomes part of who you are.

 

So it helped some, not a whole lot. I still miss her. I'd still trade the good things from today and everyday forward to bring her back.

[Tanzi]

it's important for me to let you, and everyone else in this thread know I really really do appreciate what you're doing. It's a long road for me, and I'm going to need to keep this going for a while.

 

That's OK. If it relieves some of the emotional weight you are carrying on your shoulders then continue as long as you need to.

 

She said the parents didn't really know what to do regarding funeral prep, and those that asserted themselves, particularly the ex, got to be involved. And that the old best friend was there bc they wanted to represent different chapters. Now, this is contrary to what the evil sister said. She said the father "needed" the best friend there.

 

The parents also could be using kid gloves in dealing with the ex due to the possession of the kids. Again, nothing that makes me feel better, and not exactly my gf's wishes.

 

Well I can imagine that the parents were in a lot of shock and needed the strength of others to help and get them through the funeral arrangements and the funeral itself. I guess that the priority here was her children and their father being there was probably seen as being important.

 

The major disagreement is that over guilt. She said it wasn't a betrayal to move on. I guess.

 

Well, it isn't eventually but right now no-one would expect you to be ready to move on. You need time to grieve.

 

But she said this was a crisis that I couldn't control, and a awful outcome happened. Well, while I couldn't control the crisis, I could have changed "this" outcome. The exact one that's the reason I'm here. And there's no sure bet that another tragic one was going to happen. So I'm not sure how to feel about that.

 

I agree with her. You couldn't have know what was going to happen. Anything that happened up to that point was just normal life. You may have been fine with each other but you may still have chosen to go home to give yourself both some space and the accident still could have happened. The world is full of "what ifs" and if we tried to second guess every step we make with "what ifs" we would be too scared to do anything. You aren't to blame here. You didn't know what was going to happen.

 

She said I should not care if I'm the only one that knows how great our relationship was.

 

Again I agree. It was like I said before, you knew how much you cared about her and you knew how much she cared about you. No-one else, apart from the children, are of no significance to you to concern youself with what they think. They knew you were her boyfriend so they know that whatever you had was special between the two of you ... that is what really matters. You were special to her, you know that.

 

Stay strong kenny (((hugs)))

[KennyK]

a-little-blue, despite all the explanations about the politics behind it, they still ignored what my girlfriend would have wanted, I'm not sure how much comfort i take from that. Do you have any experiences similar to this? I ask because I'd like a comparison of what's, I know normal isn't the right word, but maybe common to feel at the stage? Is there a general timeline for grieving?

 

I guess I'm seeking their acceptance. Picking up where my girlfriend left off. I would very much like the kids to remember me, we had some great times. But I'm not sure they will, the oldest is 12 and looks up to his father so much that it worried my gf. The 2 girls are young, I don't think they understand yet. But it's like I'm fighting for a page or two at the end of the "history of my girlfriend". I don't want it to end with her having troubles and bouncing around from guy to guy.

 

As for the what ifs, I agree I couldn't stop the crisis. But I could have stopped THIS particular outcome on that day. Could something else have happened to her? Sure but that's not a certainty. The attic would be closed and it wouldn't be so easy to get to. Am I trying to avoid being mad at god or her? Maybe. I am upset that she'd be that hard headed to try the roof. But at the same time she's always been a risk taker when she was upset.

 

She believed a hug could change the world. I wish I would have given her one.

[Tanzi]

I don't suppose they went out of their way to ignore what she would have wanted on purpose ... but then I don't know her family ... it was more likely that they weren't thinking straight and made some choices that, I agree, could have been better. I know that isn't much consolation to you right now but I think one day you may be able to understand why maybe things happened the way it did.

 

No, I haven't had any experiences like this. I think talking to a counselor will help you a great deal. They will help unravel the thoughts behind the "what if's" and to help you, in time, accept what has happened.

 

You need to grieve but I can only imagine that it would be comforting to have someone to grieve with, which I guess is a big part of why you want her parent's approval.

[KennyK]

I don't suppose they went out of their way to ignore what she would have wanted on purpose ... but then I don't know her family ... it was more likely that they weren't thinking straight and made some choices that, I agree, could have been better. I know that isn't much consolation to you right now but I think one day you may be able to understand why maybe things happened the way it did.

 

No, I haven't had any experiences like this. I think talking to a counselor will help you a great deal. They will help unravel the thoughts behind the "what if's" and to help you, in time, accept what has happened.

 

You need to grieve but I can only imagine that it would be comforting to have someone to grieve with, which I guess is a big part of why you want her parent's approval.

 

She was always seeking approval from her parents. Strange that I'm doing it now when the while time I'd tell her not to worry about it. A couple new questions...

 

First, I haven't cried much lately, I do feel better. Am I done?

 

And second, if I have a means to find out if she had been losing interest romantically, should I do so? In a way it's be liberating. Either she didn't think I was the one after all, and there's less guilt, or she did and never changed how she felt. Either way would give me a little closure. The only problem is that I'd have to look in her email. I know it's a breach of privacy for the living, but I have a weird sense she would want me to know either way.

[KennyK]

Just an update. I met with her parents today. They're still trying to piece together what happened. The mother started to say what was listed on the death certificate, but was cut off by the father. Making me think its listed as suicide or partially intentional or something.... Don't know if I agree. They had some idea that she wouldn't have been moving towards a lower part if the roof due to where they found her. But I can't just see her trying to jump down backwards.

 

Anyway, the meeting went well, I shared some things, didn't get the journal I wanted, but she hasn't written as much in it as I thought anyway. They did offer to scan them for me.

 

They also said the ex was full of ****. But didn't offer an explanation as to why I was left out of every service. I didn't pursue it.

 

They said the sister was wrong, my girlfriend had indeed opened up about me. The normal ups and downs. Called me a butthead often, which was her affectionate term when she was mad at someone.

 

I tried to make the point that she was getting better, even if it was real slow. And that I do love her completely. They knew. We took pictures together a with the balloons I got, each wrote something on at least one, and released them saying we love her. It was nice. I told them I know we never really talked much, but I do want to stay in touch (for some reason), and that I consider them family. My girlfriend would have wanted that.

[KennyK]

I also went to my first counseling appointment yesterday. Nice lady, but I think she may be in over her head. She said she likes to work with kids. Mostly just listened to what I said, don't think she disagreed once.

 

When I got home it hit me that the answers I want, can really only come from one person. My late girlfriend. Not so much to find out what happened, I don't think I'll ever know that... Especially now that the story is so different. That hurts but it's not like anyone else knows.

 

The answers I want are to questions like are we going to meet again, are we going to get another chance? I pull so many spiritual ideas from do many places that nobody can really give me a straight answer. I found this afterlife broadcast frequency site, I gave it a shot. I hesitate to say its a scam, because my research showed the merchant is indeed an audio guy. But there's no telling when or even if it gets broadcasted.

[Tanzi]

Hi Kenny. I am so glad that you went to see her parents and that it went so well. You can help each other through this. So they did know how much you meant to her? I thought they would have had to. It looks like a lot of your questions, or rather concerns, were answered by her parents. As for the other answers, well, your girlfriend had a rather confused personality so she may not have always known what was going on inside her own head, or at least know why she behaved or reacted the way she did sometimes. I think, after a while, you will learn to accept that you may never truly get the answers you are looking for ... mainly because there probably aren't any real answers.

 

As for the counselor, give her another go, but if you really think she is in over her head you can always look for another counselor. Maybe she likes to listen more the first time around so that she can get to grips with what exactly is on your mind.

 

I can't pretend to know what you're going through but it seems to me that you're coping really well.

[KennyK]

Thanks blue. I'm still not sure how I feel. I still miss her, want her back. A couple of other things have taken priority in my mind over finding out the truth or how she felt about me.

 

First is that I have been hoping to get a sign, a feeling, even a dream if my own creation from her. But since the night she died that's been nothing. Before I even knew she died, I found the glass I keep by my bed, knocked over and spilled. I never have knocked it over before and I believe it would have woke me up. I'm not sure how much of a sign it was, except that she came by. Either that or I simply knocked it over and didn't realize it.

 

I feel like I have a spiritual battle brewing, and I draw from so many different ideas, that nobody can answer. Nobody except one person, her. I feel like if she could just tell me if we will meet again, have another chance at a beautiful unique relationship (not one shared by everyone else in heaven), that whoever I move onto wouldn't be a second choice... That I could function again.

 

See, I have a difficult time with the common version of an afterlife, the one with eternal bliss and everyone loving everyone. It feels like an ant colony to me. I feel that the special one of a kind connections that we get with some people , and not others, is at the base if our humanity. The thought of me seeing her again in heaven, but her loving someone from 1586 just as much as she loves me, while I introduce my wife , who also loves everyone else, is just hard to process. I mean on paper it all sounds good, but it also sounds empty in a way.

 

And if one more person says it was in gods plan I'm gonna lose it too. What kind of god plans to let Osama live to be 70+ and takes an innocent loving mother of 4?

[KennyK]

I just had another thought of how bad I was to her. She wanted to make money but had no job skills, I brought up being a webcam model. I think it broke her heart. She was so worried about what is think, and she would just say " I can do it", even when I said don't do anything you don't want to do. I wish I would have said I cared, but I said I don't mind, we are just friends. Even though i did care, and i felt more for her,i just wanted her ti be able to earn money for herself . That was like 3-4 weeks before the end and I don't know how to forgive myself for that

[Tanzi]

It is inevitable that you will miss her. You will miss her for some time to come yet. You will get over this. Life moves on and somehow we have the resilience to eventually move on with it - because we have to.

 

I have had many a conversation with my mum over God's plans. She believes there are two forces working against each other. One good, one not so good - but these are her own theories, as many people have - I'm not sure there are any answers.

 

When my Grandmother died my Grandad eventually married again. My mum and the daughter of the woman he married became quite close over the years. Eventually my Grandad passed and then, not so long afterwards, his wife passed. His daughter said to my mum ... "your dad and my mum are in heaven together again". My mum nodded but said to me later "but I want him to be reunited with my mum". These things are unfathomable.

[Tanzi]

I just had another thought of how bad I was to her. She wanted to make money but had no job skills, I brought up being a webcam model. I think it broke her heart. She was so worried about what is think, and she would just say " I can do it", even when I said don't do anything you don't want to do. I wish I would have said I cared, but I said I don't mind, we are just friends. Even though i did care, and i felt more for her,i just wanted her ti be able to earn money for herself . That was like 3-4 weeks before the end and I don't know how to forgive myself for that

 

I am pretty sure she knew that your suggestions were well intended. The fact that you added that she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to would have proved that. I'm sure she wouldn't have taken that to mean you didn't care.

[KennyK]

I am pretty sure she knew that your suggestions were well intended. The fact that you added that she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to would have proved that. I'm sure she wouldn't have taken that to mean you didn't care.

 

Yeah now that I think about it, she did keep saying she loves this or that about me up through that last day.

[KennyK]

These are some of the things spiraling in my mind. I am 31, she was 32. Even now 2 years together was just a tiny slice of our lives. But it feels so important. It breaks my heart to think that if all goes well, I will spend another 40-60 years without her. That seems like such a long time. I have trouble believing I will ever have that special of a connection again. That no matter what, I would trade whatever I accomplish to bring her back and live out my life with her.

 

Moving on... I'm sure she would want me to have a family, but suppose that somehow determines who you're with in heaven? Or something like that. I don't want to jeopardize any chance at a reunion with her. Not just the generic everybody loves everybody in heaven type. I want our unique individual connection to still be there. But it's not like I can just wait it out either. Would I even remember her? Would she remember me or have moved on to bigger and better things? No matter what I look into or hear, nothing sounds comforting.

[Tanzi]

You know, these questions, thoughts and concerns will start to fade in time. As life goes on and you move along with it, you will start to think and feel differently about how your own life should pan out. Even when we break up from someone it is natural to think that we will never find someone that we will love again like that ... but we do, eventually. I've been through a divorce and thought I would never find love again, but inevitably I did. I know our situations are different and your loss is far more tragic than mine but I still think you will move on and learn to love again as we all do. As I said above my Grandmother died and my Grandad found love again ... he must have been late 60s/early 70s then. He and my Grandmother had been together for years ... but he still found love again. No-one judged him. Everyone was pleased that he had found happiness again in the latter part of his life. I know the circumstances are, once again, different but life goes on and we eventually go on with it. It doesn't mean to say you will ever forget but your heart will open up to love another again. You don't have to feel guilty about that. It isn't wrong. You are here and you have to continue forwards. If you want to be married and to be a father (which is pretty much the natural course of life we want to follow) then there is absolutely nothing wrong with you eventually achieving that. Let's just say your girlfriend is moving on while she is heaven. Well, while you are down here, you can eventually move on too. Things must have a way of balancing themselves out somehow in the afterlife.

 

You aren't ready to move on now, of course, so these concerns are something that you can set aside for the moment. Let yourself grieve and in time you will start to move forwards with life at a natural pace.

[KennyK]

Thanks again blue. Are you a counselor? You seem like one.

 

Another battle I've been waging is in regards to her email. We had shared it some, I sent our groupon purchases to it and I have a Sony account linked to it. Both things I would like to recover. At the same time though, I feel like if I found out she had been flirting or worse, I'd drop down from losing a partner, to "just" losing a good friend. I feel like she would want to help me know the truth, but I am not sure. I'm one of those people that would rather know one way or the other rather than not knowing.