Just felt I had to share this. Maybe someone out shares in the feeling.

[sibelius9]

I keep fluctuating between feeling like I am gradually overcoming the whole idea of my ex, the break up, the ensuing pain and it's varying stages, etc. and then falling back into nostalgia, longing, recurring dreams of and about her and furthermore.....a nagging and ever so present feeling that our relationship should not be over forever. I can fully accept that it had to end when it did and that our lives needed mending but why can I NOT move forward without the idea of.....something in the future with her? I have tried dating other people and yes, it's enjoyable, however, it just doesn't add up to what we had. I'm quite bored at entertaining the idea of meeting others and I have certainly been working arduously on myself and my own growth. It's simple really: I'm at a crossroad in which I am ok in either one of two possible scenarios-1. Somehow, some way, somewhere she reenters my life and we get it right after having grown from our past (which seems unlikely in many ways) or 2. I continue as a solo pilot and just live my life as many single entities do these days and all is fine (I no longer have any fear of "loneliness").

 

I do not feel bitter or jaded or resentful...I just feel like I have entered a whole other level of understanding and conceptualizing these matters (life et al.). I welcome any thoughts on this matter.

[Clio]

I think that it has a lot to do with wanting what we can't have and the feeling that not having control over this situation makes it somehow all our fault in our minds. In effect we whitewash their memory. We somehow make them more valuable in our minds than they really are to us and our mind is playing this bargaining game so as not to feel we have lost out on something irreplacable. She is unique but she is not more unique that any of us and she does not deserve to be on that pedestral that your mind is putting her just because of her unavailability. If anything, she deserves to be kicked out just because of her unavailability. Knowing all your great qualities, she chose to give up on you and abandon you. That alone makes her fundamentally flawed as far as you are concerned but your ego blinds you. If you feel the need to spend some time single by all means do, but do not compare what you had to any newly formed acquaintance because that's just unfair and you are shooting yourself in the foot. It's like comparing a full-blown building to a pile of bricks. If what you had was that great, it wouldn't have broken down like that. If she was that great for you, she wouldn't have abandoned you. I think that the fluctuating you are describing is very common though. I think that it's part of the bargaining stage of our grief process.

[maxxpayne]

Good that you decided to put it here... I know this feeling and I've been there regarding my ex. I could say that I still feel the same somewhere deep inside... But honestly, according to me, you don't need to try doing anything that you don't feel like doing.. Just go with the flow. Trying to forget or trying to do something to forget never really makes you forget. Let's say I tell you, don't think of the word "Elephant" for the next 5 mins, you'll spend the next five mins thinking of nothing else but elephant. A subtle example but that's how it works. And going on a date with other people is great, but remember a day or a night with them will not be able to create memories that you created in over a long time with your ex. It needs time.

 

I know you probably feel like suddenly your life has become empty, you have suddenly lost the preoccupation that you had. It's like having lost the internet connection at home and you suddenly feel that there is nothing at all in life. Ok, I'm bad with examples...

 

But I should say, whatever you had with her was probably wonderful. And that she is a wonderful person and you simply didn't have the chance due to some reason. It doesn't mean life ends there. As you said, you're relationship might not be over forever. Don't rebel with your heart. Admit the possibility but do not wait. Enjoy your feelings and memories of her when you feel like. Eventually, it will slowly fade into a more deeper soft memory which doesnt hurt anymore. You will simply have a sweet feeling about her. And it's the easiest way to come to terms with your life. A few months down, you will be able to enjoy whatever comes your way. And maybe in a year, she'll be a wonderful memory or something forgotten, depending on your current feelings for her.

 

About me, we were in a 6 months relationship. We loved each other a lot. She was my first love. Everything was great. But she had to go. And now it's been 3 years and I still have that soft memory. I won't completely forget. But I've moved on from all that and I feel ok about myself and my life. So take your time and give life some time. Time will not probably heal wounds or make you forget the pain entirely, it will however, in its most merciful way, blunt the edge ever so slightly...

 

Go for option 2 in your post... Take what life gives you... Stay around for few more replies so you get a broader view. Hope I helped!

[sibelius9]

Thank you both for such kind and sensible words. I concur with what you have both replied and it's comforting to know that someone out there can offer such encouraging advice.

[mrb]

You're not the only one feeling this way sibelius9 .. I feel like this quite a bit. Today is actually 7 Months since she dumped me!! Last contact was 2 maybe 3 weeks ago.

 

At the start of it all, i kept trying to drill into my head "Life go's on" & "She's just a girl", which are both very true statements, and i've accepted them, however after having that special bond, it's harder to fully "let go". I think she will always have a special place in my heart, and i have came to terms with that, but it's how you deal with it.

 

I sometimes wonder also, in so many years time, will our paths cross once again, and will we be together again? If it's to be, then it will be, but don't hold out for it.

I think you're comparing girls to your ex, which is definatly understandable, ideally you want a replacement, something that you're used to. I'm -apparently- an amazing, fun, attractive guy, but i struggle to get date's, and im sure there are alot of girls who would love the chance to date me, but im scared!

I'm scared of rejection, scared of having a bad time, and possibly even scared of falling for the person.

I am a lonely guy, it sounds like you are pretty lonely too. I've kind of came to terms with being single, it does get lonely, but im content for now, i can handle it.

 

I don't really know what else to say, i feel like i havent really said anything in particular and just kind of rabbled on haha, but just know that you're definatly not alone in feeling the way you do. I would love to have someone, probably more so my ex than anyone else, but i have just no motivation