miss1993 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I'm a just turned 20 year old undergrad student in England. My boyfriend is soon to be 25. Yesterday I worked the whole day preparing an essay in my university library. When I went to leave around 8 o'clock it was dark and pouring with rain. My journey home takes 1 hour and 45 minutes - a bus, a train, another train and another bus. By car it's half the time but I don't drive!! Meanwhile my boyfriend of 2 years was at the gym with his friends. Coincidentally, as I went to leave university, I saw a guy I know who lives literally a few roads away from me. He had his car and offered me a lift. (All above board and innocent he has a girlfriend of 4 years, he knows I have a boyfriend and I have told my boyfriend about this guy before and my parents know him). So he dropped me home and I arrived home in about 40 minutes. I knew my boyfriend would probably not like this (he hates me being anywhere near the opposite sex unless he is there or unless it's absolutly necessary and unavoidable). I saw this as a no brainer.....travelling two hours in the rainy weather at dark on the less safe option of public transport, or being in a warm car and reaching home in 40 minutes. As soon as I got in the car I text my boyfriend and told him I was being dropped by this guy even though I could easily have hidden it to avoid an argument (I'm a very honest person). My boyfriend hates when I travel in the dark, in fact unless it's for university he made me promise I wouldn't and I have kept that promise. He has also given other female colleagues (including one that fancies him) lifts home after work when they live about 15 minutes away without asking and I have never complained. So since last night he has practically ignored me and isn't talking to me because ''I didn't call and ask him first''.... ''I told him why should I have to call and ask? You should be happy that I got a lift and didn't have to travel 2 hours in the dark and in the rain!'' anyway he went to work without a goodbye and this evening it'll probably be much worse. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong and I HATE double standards....he can drop his female colleagues home but I can't be dropped home? Should I stand my ground or was I actually in the wrong for not asking first knowing he wouldn't like this? Thanks guys! Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 You are kidding, right? You took a safe, reliable and innocent ride home.... You are an independent human being. You do not need his "permission" to do anything....but perhaps, rethink the relationship. Link to comment
Cherry009 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 of course you shouldnt have asked his permission, he doesnt own you, it sounds like he wants to though. He sounds like a control freak. Just ignore his little sulk and dont let him control you. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 He'll get over it and if he doesn't then no real loss there. He should be thankful that you made it home safely and if he is really worried about gentlemen giving you rides home then I suggest he get his ass out of the gym and pick you up instead. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Should I stand my ground or was I actually in the wrong for not asking first knowing he wouldn't like this? What I think you should do is seriously consider why you want to be with a manipulative control freak who thinks it's okay for him to have women in his car but you can't even be in a car with a man who you and your family know who lives close by where you do. There is a good reason why he doesn't want you to be with another guy in a car likely because of what he does in a car with a woman. Has this boy ever cheated in a relationship before? Is this the only way he tries to control you? Is he generally in charge of you and you allow it? Who cares if you were right or wrong. That is the least of your problems when it comes to him because even if you are right, he's not going to care and you will always be wrong in his eyes. Be careful and be alert to where else he calls the shots without wanting to be questioned by you. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I would have done the same thing. I would stand your ground. Link to comment
The Raviator Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I would hold your ground. Your NOT wrong. Dont you get sick of having to apologize for stupid **** just so you dont get the silent treatment when at the same time you are probably very forgiving. I think the silent treatment is cruel. Is this silent treatment to get an apology a consistent thing in your relationship? I'm dealing with this now. I am the nicest, most forgiving person but when I make the slightest mistake I get the silent treatment. The other day I thought to myself "just stop making little mistakes." As if everything will be fine as long as I could just be perfect. Good freakin luck. Hes being a A-hole!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Your his gf..not his daughter..you dont need ask permission to do anything..to tell you the truth i would of felt more safe with you riding home with a friend then Public transportation.. but he needs to get these control issues under control... Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 The fact that your BF would rather you slough thru the cold in rain for almost 2 hours rather than accept an innocent ride because he makes him feel insecure speaks volumes of what type of man and partner he is. The fact that he requires you "ask permission" or be punished goes beyond good man. It becomes you are being punished for not allowing him to control your decisions. These are HUGE red flags of what type of relationship you have. As metrogirl said, he should be happy that the girl he loved was warm and safe, instead he is intent on punishment. Think about that for a minute. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Good points made by everyone! The silent treatment is definitely a form of emotional abuse and it says a lot about him. About the nice guy who gave you a ride - can you start commuting with him if you were to give him some gas money? Or someone else? You've got such a long commute and it is worrisome, especially late at night. Link to comment
miss1993 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 I am very sure he has not cheated in his past relationship or ours but he has been cheated on in his previous relationship which he says has given him ''trust issues''. But I have been good to him and have never given him a reason to mistrust me and it has been 2 years now. He did not have to tell me about dropping these women home (which I have seen, and without sounding mean I can say nothing went on) but he did. But yes he is super controlling and I've allowed it to happen for a long time and now I'm gradually trying to test the waters and regain some control because I realise it shouldn't be this way. Example; I have 3 weeks off coming up for easter break. I would love to visit my female best friend who lives 3 hours away by train as she always visits me and i'd love to see her and have lunch, do spme shopping and maybe see a movie. But I have to ''ask'' him if I could go and when I did it caused an argument, unless he comes I can't go basically. I would love to see my female friends more often (I only have 3) but he tries to convince me that I can't trust them and they are bad influences. He does call me 'stupid', 'useless', 'dumb' and 'thick' a lot in arguments and the littlelist unintentional things that I do make him angry... like if I don't put a CD back properly or something. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Yes, you can go. No, you don't need to "ask" him. You are not a servant, nor "owned" by him. Please, take some actions to stand up for yourself. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Tell us again what's so great about him? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 But I have to ''ask'' him if I could go and when I did it caused an argument, unless he comes I can't go basically You do realize that this is a form of abuse, right? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Your boyfriend is wrong. In fact, your relationship is wrong. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Last night my 17yo daughter was having a fight with her 17yo boyfriend. He is upset that she chose to go to a friends house on Friday night because other guys would be there, and he wasnt. He has twisted this into her being a liar and making her feel bad about herself. I offer you the advice I offered her this morning - Jealousy and control are not signs of loving someone. They are signs of insecurity and fearing the other person will eventually reject you and find someone else. Love is made of trust. People act jealous because they are afraid to lose you, and as such, that actually gives you a lot of power in the relationship if you don't accept their behaviour. Its like a child who acts out and is told to stop. They will continue the bad behaviour, testing the adult, until the adult finally lays down the law by threatening to take something away. Then the child will go "no, no, no I'm sooooooooory!!!". You have the same power over a jealous partner. If you put your foot down and say 'I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO WRONG YOU, AND I DONT APPRECIATE BEING MADE TO FEEL AS IF IM NOT WORTHY OF TRUST. I AM HURT THAT YOU THINK SO LITTLE OF ME AS TO NOT TRUST THE PERSON I AM. I DONT APPRECIATE THAT A PERSON WHO CLAIMS TO LOVE ME TREATS ME LIKE AN OBJECT THAT REQUIRES THEIR PERMISSION. I'M NO LONGER ACCEPTING THIS' and then break communication for a short bit, I ASSURE you things will reverse 180 degrees as they will now feels its THEIR OWN ACTIONS that may cause them to deal with the one thing they truly fear, which is losing you. You have to stay strong and hold your ground, as hard as it may be. But like I told her, a man is supposed to protect your heart, not own it, and if he isn't strong enough to trust you, he isnt worthy of your heart to begin with. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Your boyfriend is wrong. In fact, your relationship is wrong. 100x this. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Has he ever been physically abusive? Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I am very sure he has not cheated in his past relationship or ours but he has been cheated on in his previous relationship which he says has given him ''trust issues''. So you're accepting being punished for what someone else did to him? Trust issues is an exuse for him to make you feel he has a reason to treat you this way I would love to see my female friends more often (I only have 3) but he tries to convince me that I can't trust them and they are bad influences. He does call me 'stupid', 'useless', 'dumb' and 'thick' a lot in arguments and the littlelist unintentional things that I do make him angry... like if I don't put a CD back properly or something. Why would you allow anyone to call you names, especially the person who is supposed to care the most about you. Link to comment
Anderson Silva Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Tell him to grow the f up. Stand your ground. I'm frankly shocked that he'd even be mildly upset about this. Ridiculous. Link to comment
miss1993 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 Thanks so much everyone for your advice, I feel a little more confident already..... Edmund Exley thank you!!! Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Tell him to grow the f up. Stand your ground. I'm frankly shocked that he'd even be mildly upset about this. Ridiculous. What's worse is judging by the title of her thread, he has her actually feeling she may have done something wrong. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Thanks so much everyone for your advice, I feel a little more confident already..... Edmund Exley thank you!!! You are welcome, but its only good advice if you listen to it! Link to comment
miss1993 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 Why would you allow anyone to call you names, especially the person who is supposed to care the most about you. I have told him how much it upsets me when he calls me this stuff but he just says ''if you didn't do it I wouldn't have to say it'' etc. He's very dominant and i'm naturally really unconfrontational and peaceful so it's not easy to stand up to him. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 He does call me 'stupid', 'useless', 'dumb' and 'thick' a lot in arguments and the littlelist unintentional things that I do make him angry... like if I don't put a CD back properly or something. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what is yet to come. Please place a higher value on yourself, and leave this inconsiderate idiot in the dust. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.