abuse or nothing significant ?

[thehardestpart]

First, I'd like to start off by saying that I am HAPPILY married to my husband for about 5 months now. He is amazing to me in every way imaginable. He is a mature, independent man, handles everything pretty well and goes out of his way to make things easier for me. He communicates really well, if there's an issue he approaches it in a mature manner. Now, you're wondering what the problem is. Well, maybe it's me? I don't usually approach him in a mature manner whenever there's an issue or if I'm having a bad day, and I do take it out at him. I am excellent with communicating with everyone else, except, I've always had trouble applying that to love relationships.

What happened last night was: I made him extremely mad by what I said. I was just *****ing about assumptions I have made about the things that he doesn't do me for me (which he does). Anyhow, when I was cleaning the floor underneath the computer desk during the verbal fight we had last night, he slightly kicked me and I had to stop myself with my hands so I didn't fully fall over. Then the verbal fight proceeded to the kitchen, because I went to wash the dishes, however I kept going verbally at it. While washing the dishes, I kept going at him, which pissed him off. He got into my personal space, placed his hands on my chest/neck area and was telling me to just shut up, and that he's had enough. I kept saying he was crazy, to get his hands off of me, and kept asking him what the hell he was doing. He called me a *****, which pissed me off even more. Then, he got close to me again and started pushing me and spat on me. I was in shock he would do that.

I never called him names or touched him in any way out of anger, I would never do that to anyone. I would never get physical with anyone, I view it as such a huge loss of control. This has happened before, not the spitting part, but he did push me before out of anger.

 

I don't know how to take this?

I am totally dismissing it at this moment. I do realize it was my fault and I kept trying to get underneath his skin last night. I'm just confused he would spit on me? I find that extremely childish.

[oAllElseFailo]

Sounds like you may have just pushed him over the edge and should of stopped while you were ahead. I mean in all honestly it kind of sounds like you two were both acting like children - like trying to get that last word in or trying to make the other person feel worse. However he should have never put his hands on you or spit on you despite what you were saying - complete no no. Sounds pretty scary too.. definitely something that has to be talked about and something that shouldn't ever happen again.. But you do have to work on taking everything out on him (i know exactly how that feels and it SUCKS) it's like sometimes you just have to realize you're doing it and make yourself stop

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds like abuse on both sides, to be honest, except that you didn't proceed to the physical. If you know you have issues around the way you address situations with him, look at alternative ways of dealing with things.

 

If, despite your best efforts, he continues to lay his hands on you and spit on you, then either seek couples counselling or get out. If you don't find better ways of dealing with the problems which arise between all couples at some time, this risks becoming a very toxic relationship.

[Capricorn3]

Well, maybe it's me? I don't usually approach him in a mature manner whenever there's an issue or if I'm having a bad day, and I do take it out at him. I made him extremely mad by what I said. the verbal fight proceeded to the kitchen, I kept going verbally at it. While washing the dishes, I kept going at him, which pissed him off.I kept saying he was crazy,

 

I do realize it was my fault and I kept trying to get underneath his skin last night..

What I do find significant is the part in bold. It seems you go on and on and on and don't let up - deliberately pushing his buttons and then you wonder why he gets pissed off and says he's had enough?? You say you think he was being childish, but to be honest, I would say that your own behaviour is more on the childish side than his, because it seems you can't seem to let go and you push and push and push (verbally). And no, before anyone flames me, I don't condone that he spat on you, or pushed you etc.

 

I would say maybe it's a good idea for you to look into getting help for anger management and how to learn to communicate in a decent manner without pushing someone's buttons to the point where they want to explode. Take responsibility for your own actions.

[Klokwurk]

What Capricorn said is right.

 

Why were you trying to get under his skin?

[agent1607307371]

Spitting is incredibly disrespectful. I would lose all respect for someone who did that to me. It's the lowest.

 

When you say he pushed you out of anger, what prompted that?

 

I think you both need to get into therapy and learn how to communicate. I also think that if he gets physical with you again, you need to move somewhere else. Verbal sniping is one thing, physicality is where really bad things start to happen.

[thehardestpart]

I can be extremely argumentative. I will always find ways to top anything anybody has to say to me. I have to admit, I do it for entertainment purposes only.

 

He pushed me that night and a couple of other times because I kept pushing his buttons. I wouldn't let up on a certain subject we were arguing about.

 

And all of you are right, I need to approach him in a calm manner whenever there's an issue. I will try my best to do so.

[DN]

I think you are pushing him over the edge of the limits that most people would have but what he should do is leave when you act like that, not get physical. And of course you should not act like that. You are the instigator here and the saying 'pushing his buttons' has a resonance because when you push buttons stuff happens.

[Capricorn3]

I can be extremely argumentative. I will always find ways to top anything anybody has to say to me. I have to admit, I do it for entertainment purposes only.

 

He pushed me that night and a couple of other times because I kept pushing his buttons. I wouldn't let up on a certain subject we were arguing about.

Have you ever considered counselling/therapy for this behavior? I find it very disturbing that you push his buttons "for entertainment purposes only" and then get all upset when he reacts in a negative manner. What exactly do you expect to happen when you do this? What do you WANT to happen when you get extremely argumentative??

[JaneE]

If I've understood correctly, and, as Capricorn points out, you are winding up your partner "for entertainment", that could be interpreted as sadistic and manipulative abusive behaviour in itself. I don't think this condones your partners abusive actions, but I think you need to recognise that you have a recipe for disaster if you are both enacting abusive behaviours which are escalating. It would be wise to put the breaks on now I would think, and get support to help you understand why you are compulsively winding him up and learn more constructive ways of communicating. It sounds like it might be helpful to really unpick why you struggle to let an argument slide... Are there more reasons or emotions behind it than simply wanting entertainment?