gypsy joanna Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 This is my first post -- hello to all that are reading! I'm in a bit of a conundrum. My boyfriend and I (both in our late 20's) have been dating for 5 months. We live about an hour away and spend 3 nights a week together. He calls me daily. My boyfriend dated an (older) woman for 4 years. They broke up about 2 years ago and from his explanation, it was NOT amicable--she cheated. Yesterday, my boyfriend was telling me that a "friend" of his called and reached out to him and was telling him about issues that she is currently going through. He told me all about it. His "friend" was his ex-gf. He doesn't know that I know this. Why would he tell me about his ex and cover it as a "friend?" How do I tell him that I am not okay with his ex using him as a support system? As a note, I acknowledge that I am a little jealous. I trust him but I'm not comfortable with her reaching out to him for support after a bad breakup and so much history. I don't trust her. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Hi. My first question is, how do you know it is the ex he is talking to? Link to comment
gypsy joanna Posted March 13, 2013 Author Share Posted March 13, 2013 Hi. My first question is, how do you know it is the ex he is talking to? My best friend set my boyfriend and I up together. I, being ever curious, asked my best friend if she knew any of his ex's. She said that he dated a few girls but one (this girl) for 4 years. She told me that she is in a PH.D. program for psychology, what school she went to, and has a son with autism. In his description of his "friend," he was telling me how hard she had it. His "friend" is about to get kicked out of the PH.D. program (for psychology) at the school that his ex went to and said that she even has a son with "developmental issues." I feel safe in believing that it was the same person. Link to comment
Kristenelaine Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 He probably said "friend" because it's really not that big of a deal and didnt want you making a big deal about it like you are. He doesn't have anything to hide. Just didnt want to use the word "ex" because you would have gotten upset over nothing. Ask him about it. And tell him it bothers you he didn't tell you the whole truth. And leave it at that Link to comment
EssexMan Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Why would he tell me about his ex and cover it as a "friend?" Because he thinks it's harmless or genuinely needed, recognises you might not like it, and doesn't want it to become an issue. How do I tell him that I am not okay with his ex using him as a support system? By saying exactly that! I will add, I think it depends a little on what the ex's issues are. If there was something truly devastating like a major bereavement, I wouldn't blame her for reaching out to anyone and everyone, and I wouldn't blame him for feeling a little sympathy for her. If it's much more minor...then it's a bit selfish of her to be bothering him with it after they had a bad break-up, and he should be firmer in not engaging with her. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 My best friend set my boyfriend and I up together. I, being ever curious, asked my best friend if she knew any of his ex's. She said that he dated a few girls but one (this girl) for 4 years. She told me that she is in a PH.D. program for psychology, what school she went to, and has a son with autism. In his description of his "friend," he was telling me how hard she had it. His "friend" is about to get kicked out of the PH.D. program (for psychology) at the school that his ex went to and said that she even has a son with "developmental issues." I feel safe in believing that it was the same person. Oh ok. That makes sense. I was wondering if there was snooping involved. There isn't. I would use the opportunity to straight out ask him what his expectations are in a relationship regarding having exs in the mix. I'd get his input first, then I would lay out mine. Very succinctly and to the point. I think it's that you don't trust him 100% yet - she doesn't matter. She really doesn't, it's about you and him right. And at the level of your relationship, I don't blame you for not trusting him 100% - why should you - trust takes time to earn. Now is a great time to either build it deeper, or for it to be shaken. I really think you just need to be open on this one : before your own feelings get the better of you. I wouldn't like my bf presenting it this way..talking to an ex as a "i had a convo with a friend today". If there is nothing to hide, then there is nothing to be cryptic about, just straight out say "I talked to *her name* today". Well that is how I think. Not saying he is hiding something, but the way he presented it makes it easier to look bad like he is. It's something I would mention. Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Beat this ***** @ her own game. Poor her, she's going through a rough time? So "are" you. Let him help you. Men love to feel needed & she's doing that quite nicely. Having a disabled son to boot? That pysch degree of her is being put to good use. I would tell her to go away & find someone else to get support from. Seriously. If you don't stop this she's going to worm her way in. It's a game, yes, but I've seen sooo many girls do this. (****, I've even done it, SMH.) If you want him you have the right to ask him not to talk to her. Link to comment
laninaperdida Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Ever seen Good Deeds Tyler Perry? Watch it. Link to comment
Kristenelaine Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 If she keeps calling or texting then this poses an issue. But talk to him about it. Link to comment
gypsy joanna Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies. I wanted to pose this question online before I talked to him. I'm glad that I did. Last night, I asked him politely if he had been talking to any of his ex's and he admitted that the "friend" he talked to yesterday was his ex. I'm glad he did because I would have known if he lied, hehe. He knows that I have been under an incredible amount of stress at work and his answer to me was that he didn't want to burden me with the idea that his ex was contacting him (causing me to worry) but didn't feel comfortable hiding the conversation. He apologized about handling it poorly. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Great to hear you two were able to talk it out. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 I think that you should address the idea of his ex leaning on him for emotional support. He should not hide things from you because you were under stress and should always be up front - and make sure he knows this going forward. And are you okay with his ex pouring her heart out to him in general? I wouldn't be, but that's just me. Set your own boundaries. Link to comment
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