Miss my ex even though it is not logical

[Waterdave]

Hi everyone. I could use a little support. Or tough love. Or tell me about your experience.

 

I was in relationship with a woman for 4 months last year. The sex was incredible. We moved in together after dating for 2 weeks because I thought she was "the one".

 

After being together 2 weeks, she told me she wanted to "have my baby." I should have run then, but, I stayed in the relationship partially because of the sex. I also really believed it was in the realm of possibility to meet someone and fall in love quickly, eventually (not right away, though) get married and have a baby. I am in my early 40s and have been feeling like I want to settle down.

 

I also had a bit of "white knight syndrome" because she told me men never loved her as much as I did and they all disappeared on her after a few months because they were "selfish". I wanted to be the guy to finally show her "true love". I fell for the pity story. I should have run after hearing that story. Lesson learned.

 

In the end, I realized that as a woman in her early 40s, she was in a BIG rush to have a baby. Her constant pressure to make a baby, even after I told her to wait 6 months and then talk about it after we got to know each other better, just drained me ("You can wear a condom, but not when I am ovulating," she said). I felt manipulated, but I also knew I had no one to blame but myself.

 

I finally got out because I just believe two people need to really know and love each other before they have a baby. She wasn't thinking straight. I was already deeply in love with her, so even though we had only been together for 4 months, it was too late.

 

Sure enough, soon after we broke up, I saw her with another guy who she may or may not be dating (I guess I don't need to spend too much time thinking about that). I imagine she is telling him the same things she told me, and also doing the same things with him in bed. I'm not with her anymore, so it shouldn't matter. Ideally, I wish her well, wish her happiness. Maybe some other guy can give her what she wants. I doubt it, but everyone deserves happiness.

 

I was angry for a while that I let myself fall for her, that I believed that she really loved me and that this wasn't just about getting pregnant. I have forgiven her and know that she loved me in her own way and that perhaps she figured I was a good guy and since she was in a rush to have a baby because of her age, she would have a baby with me and work on the "love" part later.

 

Most of our time together was spent having wild sex and we really didn't have an emotional, intellectual, or spiritual connection. But she was sweet and loveable, kind of like a little girl.

 

Because I think she has some psychological issues (I went to see a therapist who said her behavior was typical of borderline/narcissistic/histrionic personality disordered women in the beginning "honeymoon" period of relationship when they try to hook you into their web), there was no closure. Psychologically, she definitely is like a little girl.

 

I had tried to talk to her to make it work for so long and when I realized we couldn't communicate about psychological issues (she just doesn't know how to go there--she has what they call "shallow emotions" and always says whatever I wanted to here so we could stay together), I just broke up with her and went no contact. I haven't been in contact with her at all since the breakup.

 

I know there is no way I could be with her and I have no desire to be with her. I should be happy that I didn't get her pregnant. I should happy that I learned a lot of lessons (no need to "save" women, don't be manipulated by sex, take it slow, protect your heart, etc.).

 

I should realize that there are some pretty neat women out there who I could be with, who are emotionally available and also love sex. But I still think about my ex. It's not logical. I'm sure it has to do with the incredible sex.

 

I have tried not to date in the last 3 months just so I could let myself heal from it. I spent my time doing meditation, short-term therapy, working out in the gym, reading. I was actually devastated when I realized it wasn't going to work out. Now, I'm starting to go on dates here and there.

 

It would be easier if she had cheated on me or overtly did something wrong, but all she did was to put lots of pressure on me to have a baby, which made me feel very uncomfortable to the point of having insomnia. I also feel that the heart is so strange--why am I still obsessing about a woman who was not emotionally available?

 

People say time heals all wounds. Maybe I need to realize that eventually these thoughts will go away and for now, I am where I am in the process.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks.

[22n32]

Sounds like u just miss the sex and not her.. ive been with many girls that it was just all about the sex and it is really adicting.. and we try to build a rel around the sex..

 

its never a recepie for success.. u have to find a good girl who u can build sex into the rel..

 

ive learned my lesson many times.. im staying away from that kind of women..

 

best thing u can do is take some time and try to forget her and when ur ready go look for a good women who wants to settle down..

[Waterdave]

Hey 22n32, Thanks for your response. I appreciate hearing about your experience. You are right, it is mostly about the sex. I've been going through 3 months of withdrawal and now I have much more compassion for others who are going through this. I understand what addicts (of all kinds of substances) go through in withdrawal.

[ParisPaulette]

(Laughs) I stayed with my ex in a completely disastrous on-again/off-again relationship mainly because of the sex. Sorry, but if we could have stayed horizontal things might've worked out, but as my wise granny once said, "You both have to get out of bed sooner or later, so make dang sure you like him as much then as you do the other way or there's gonna be trouble in paradise." And yes, we even used to joke that we were each others drug of choice and we weren't too far off the mark on that. However what we had wasn't sane or emotionally healthy and I had just as much to do with that as he did, so I finally ended it. You're only at the four-month mark of ending things and that's still pretty early in getting over someone, so just relax if you aren't quite past it all just yet.

 

The sad fact is your ex-GF's biological clock is ticking hard and as a woman I am going to tell you that while I never got irrational about it, the fact is that stupid clock becomes pretty freaking hard to ignore. Nonetheless you are right to be cautious and to back away since simply rushing into a relationship just to have a kid is always the wrong thing to do. You were very responsible in that matter in that you recognize that bringing a child into this world is a pretty huge step. And maybe somewhere inside your ex knows this, but right now all she is seeing are baby strollers, cooing tots and happy moms everywhere she goes--not realizing that at least half of those smiles are from the weird combination of love and sleep deprivation that makes you walk around with a weird grin frozen on your face while the other half one doesn't usually see in public is the new mother trying to remember what life was like when you could get through an entire night without some body fluid ending up on you in really unattractive ways and crying about the wardrobe from your former life that no longer fits. Sorry for the humor, but i've been on both sides of the equation, so I do sort of know what your ex is going through. But I also know that having kids is a ton of work and once that biological clock has been scratched if you aren't in at least a halfway sane head space then everyone in the relationship is going to suffer and that isn't fair to the child. You did the right thing, just give it time.

[Monkey ai]

For OP, love is not logical, and as woman in the 40s myself, I can give you some inside... when the woman have this biological clock start click, often it is mess(emotionally and Physiologically), they cannot control themselves...I have seen all of my GFs go through that...I use joke about it have never have urge to have a child, but in my last relationship(one year ago), I could not say after one year dating, even he is not my prefect partner( I do felt in love with him, but we are not too compatible), but I have unintentionally to wanted to move in and have baby with him..He felt pressured...so we BU... now I look back, I felt bad, because I am very independent and emotion strong woman, but when you know this will be last chance to have a child, yes- you will panic and doing something irrational, or you want a fast track to have idea relationship, I do not think it is good, I will hate someone push me do something that I am not ready...

With your case, it is timing, you might have great relationship long run, or might not- you do not know! I think it is too soon to make a life partner with her, as she is not rational, she want to have baby and might over look many things. too bad that she cannot give you more time to know each other better before to make life long decision. It is not her or your fault, it just bad timing, it is very tough one, because she doesn’t have time (the fear of never have Children), would you be ok, if you be with and no child in the future

[Waterdave]

Thanks, ParisPaulette for your perspective and validation. It's good to have a woman's point a view. I do feel compassion for her and also knew I did the right thing to get out. It is good to know others understand that leaving a relationship full of wild sex is hard and there are months of withdrawal.

 

Monkey Ai, thank you, too, for your perspective. Yes, some people tell me that all women whose clocks are ticking (if they want to have a baby) act like they are possessed and aren't themselves. She definitely acted like she was possessed.

 

My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old and I saw them fight throughout my childhood, so there was no way I was going to bring a kid into the world with someone I just met. No matter how good the sex was!