New Boyfriend Questioning Relationship

[JoJo90814]

So Ive been dating this new guy for about three months with the last two weeks as an official couple. Last night he tells me he is questioning the relationship and thinks he may need to be single. Then when I dig in deeper as to why he says that, he says he feels like hes not ready to put my feelings first, he wants to be selfish. We also have a seven year age difference between us (I am 32 he is 25) and he says that if it does work out he will feel rushed into having kids because of my age and it makes him feel pressured. Then he tells me that he feels like we are not connecting enough, that he notices I am more talkative with men my age when we go out and it makes him wonder what I really want. He also says that I am not including him enough in my plans and that when are together we are not active enough (were lazy in bed).

 

I cant help but think he is just finding things and coming to conclusions on his own. I feel like maybe some of his points are valid but we've only been serious two weeks and he has never told me how he feels about any of this. Also I feel like he is putting the blame on me for stuff that he can take the initiative to make better. I told him all of this and he said he guesses he was just feeling insecure and is not the best communicator.

 

But now I feel like he broke the trust between us and I feel really insecure about the relationship. I almost feel like no matter what he will always find something that will be wrong instead of just getting to know me, communicate when there is a question in his head and grow from it together. We get along great and have great chemistry but now I just feel like walking away because I want to be with someone who isnt so wishy washy about being with me. Im insecure too and Im not sure if he is mature enough to reassure me. It seems like the pressure is on me to make the relationship work. I told him lets take it one day at a time but now I just feel closed off and scared.

 

I guess Im just looking for any outside perspective/wisdom/experience or support if you feel called to say something.

[Edmund Exley]

I mentioned on another posters thread earlier today that 3 months always seems to be a make or break point in relationships. Its usually when people seem to evaluate things and determine if they want to continue on or step away. I'm not saying this is a hard rule, or even a conscious behaviour, just what I have noticed in my experiences.

 

Obviously seeds of doubt have now been planted in to your head and thats going to create a bunch of other issues, as you have already noted. It might be best to walk away right now.

[Heather Dawn]

Age gaps are rough, even when they're not that huge - it just depends on the stage of life and maturity levels of each person. At 32, you're not DRAMATICALLY older than him, but you're definitely at different spots in your life. He's really still so young (especially being male), and you're at an age where you probably ARE considering your longterm future - including kids.

 

I think you need to really do some thinking to figure out what YOU want. Because he's being fairly straightforward about his concerns, some more legit than others, and if you think there's even a chance this could cause conflict in the not-so-far future, you need to get out. You don't want to be deeper into things, more serious than you are now, and then have to make the decision on whether or not to leave if he's not ready for the things you want.

[pl3asehelp]

Sounds like the perfect time to move on. Don't discount what he's telling you. He's not ready or just doesn't want you.

[shaynah]

I would feel that way too if my boyfriend were to tell me he was questioning the relationship and thought he should be single. I would not feel comfortable carrying on with it when he had such a long list of things he felt was bothering him and instead of talking to me about it, decided it wasn't worth even fixing. I couldn't live with that kind of uncertainty. I would want my partner to be fighting for our relationship and wanting to fix things at whatever cost and only if it was totally irreparable then break up. It sounds like he's been doing a lot of thinking since you've become official and is having cold feet. I would decide what you want in a partner and if he is not it, then now would be a good time to make the break.

[NorthDallas40]

I'd have a good honest talk with him and see what you can do to address his issues , if you think they're valid. If he's ok with that, then try to connect better with him, be conscious of your interactions with guys your age and make sure he's not excluded, take more initiative in bed, etc. If things don't seem to improve after a month, then it probably is best for you to go your separate ways. Relationships aren't easy, but they shouldn't constantly feel forced in order to work

 

But if you find his issues unreasonable, or if he seems even a bit unwilling to give things a renewed effort, then tell him how you feel and walk away. Don't waste your time trying to change the mind of someone who's already convinced he doesn't want to be with you. He's young after all; maybe finding someone who is older, more settled and/or mature might be a better fit for you.

[itsallgrand]

You sound much more serious about a relationship than him. That's ok. But I think what he said to you was valid. He is telling you he can't do this.

 

There is someone else out there who is a better fit for you. Sorry this didn't work out as you hoped.

[JoJo90814]

Thank you, I really appreciate everything everyone said.

 

I am very bothered still by all that he said and find it extremely hard to move forward with him. He is now acting like everything is ok and that he is my boyfriend, but will that change next week again? I feel like I can give it more time and work on things with him, but honestly, Im not feeling very positive about the outcome. Im going to talk to him again tonight and interject some things that were said in this thread that really stood out to me and ill let you all know what happens.

[bulletproof]

I think I would take what he said very literally and move on. It almost sounds like you are going to try and convince him otherwise, and that's never good.

[mhowe]

People tell you the truth about them in the beginning -- unfortunate, due to rose colored glasses and ear plugs, we tend to gloss it over, and here what we want to hear -- not what was said.

 

Hear him. This is not the relationship for you. And for you guys, at your age, to be "lazy in bed" ---already --- big, red flag.

[JoJo90814]

The 'lazy in bed" was misunderstood. We have amazing sex, and a lot of it. What I meant was that we laid in bed all day and were lazy instead of getting out of the house an being active.

[Ms Darcy]

He sounds like he's not that into you and will bolt sooner or later. Putting all the blame on you is a big concern.

[batty]

i think you have to listen carefully to what he is saying...he is telling you something you mght find it hard to understand at the moment.

 

From personal experience ....i would say listen to him. When i started dating my now called fiance, he did things that raised my eyebrows but i ignored him. been in relationship for 4 yrs now and im so unhappy. i just wish i listened to him rom the beginning......

 

 

so please,,,, do listen to what he is telling you......run away cos he is not ready or you will regret in 2 yrs or3yrs from now.