So confused, don't know where to go from here

[bebeblondie]

So I had a second date last night with a guy i was set up with by some close friends. I went to house he cooked dinner, and our mutual friends (who set us up) were supposed to join us for dessert but they cancelled. Anyway we had a really nice time, and one thing led to another and we wounded up having sex. I have never had sex on a second date, and felt horrible afterwards, so once we were done (it was very late) I got up and got dressed, and he said "what are you doing"? I said I was going home, he said it was too late for me to go home at this hour, but I insisted because I just wanted to get out of there because I just wanted to burst into tears. He must've sensed this because he kept asking me if I was ok and what was wrong, and I just kept saying that I was fine. Anyway he got dressed walked me to my car, and kept saying "I just don't understand why you have to leave" and kept on asking what was wrong, I kissed him good night said thanks for dinner, he replied with thanks for everything and to text when I get home. Before I got home he texted me again asking if I was ok, and thats when I told him I just felt like we got a little carried away, he answered saying we could've talked about it before I left. This morning he texted me again asking saying "what does this mean now with seeing each other"....I told him I'd call him later so we could talk.

 

I just feel so confused right now and mad at myself for letting it go this far, especailly since I'm so level headed when it comes to this kind of stuff. I just don't know what to do or say to him at this point.

 

He did speak to our friends this morning and said he had a great time with me last night....I know it's hard to guess his intentions at this point especially since I had sex with him so early on.

 

I just need some advice on this because I don't know where to go from here, as ive never been in a situation like this before.

[Debbie27]

Don't be mad at yourself we all make mistakes and he sounds like a nice caring guy. Just take time to decide what you need, then you can move on.hope it works out x

[Furbys]

You need to talk to him like you said you would. Both of you need to talk about what you want out of this. Once you have both laid out what you want you can move on from there.

 

And dont beat yourself up about sleeping with him so early, you acknowledge it was a mistake and you cant change that. Accept the mistake and learn from it but don't let it bring you down.

[annie24]

what is it that is making you feel so bad about the sex?

[annie24]

I guess I don't see why this is really a "mistake." If you two like each other, and are adults, and you had a nice time, there is no reason to beat yourself up over this. It sounds like he's genuinely confused. I'm just wondering where this is coming from...?

[SpottiOtti]

Usually when a person gets upset at themselves for having sex too early, it's because they are either worried that society/friends/family will judge them, or that their partner will judge them and lose interest.

 

If your upset stems from the second cause, I'd like to point out that this guy clearly showed you that he did not judge you and that he was concerned about your emotional well-being. The poor guy is probably super confused right now about your behavior. If you want this to go somewhere, I'd talk to him about why you felt close enough to him to have sex one minute, then the next minute you walked away from him without an explanation. I bet his feelings were hurt by that.

[j.man]

Sex is sex. I recently had sex on a first date upon having only done so in committed relationships before then. I felt a bit awkward about it and questioned myself, but sex is just as much body as it is mind, so you can't kick yourself too hard, especially if you two had maybe split a bottle of wine. That said, it shouldn't be surprising to any man if a woman feels guilty about having sex too soon. It baffles me that he's having this hard a time figuring that out.

 

If you feel you went too fast but that you still like the guy, just take a step back physically. Let him know simply that you like him, find him attractive, but made a mistake and would like to take a step back, still see him, and progress things at a slower pace. Lots of people have sex on a second date, so hopefully you're not judging his intentions. If he's willing to slow things down, that's a good sign.

 

I think he's just worried that you'd be too put off by what happened and not want to see him again. Do you?

[browneyedgirl36]

Definitely talk to him. I understand about feeling bad about having sex on the second date if it's something you wouldn't normally do, but it sounds like he really likes you and didn't want you to leave.

 

How did you feel about it at the time? Did you feel that it was "wrong" to be doing it at the time, or was it a feeling of remorse afterward? I ask because it helps to differentiate between actively going against what we know is best for ourselves, despite reservations we have about doing so, and telling ourselves afterward that we *should* feel guilty because of societal pressure/double standards about behavior, or thinking that the guy will lose interest right away because we've been conditioned to believe that if we DON'T "put out" right away we're going to get dumped for being a prude but if we do "put out" right away we'll get dumped for being too "easy." So, it's important to know whether you're feeling this way because you went against your own values and standards or because you fear what he thinks of you/that he might not respect you or might lose interest.

 

Definitely talk to him. It's hard to say, but it sounds like he really has an interest in you and wants to continue to see you.

[bebeblondie]

I just spoke to him and aplogized for leaving so abruptly, told him I was upset because I usually don't move this fast. He said with him I never have to worry, he's not the kind of guy who judges a girl for having sex whether its the first date or any date, as long as she's comfortable. I explained to him, that I like him and want to see him again, but I want to slow it down, he said no problem and then added, "what, did you think I wouldn't want to see you again, because you said you don't want to have sex yet"? and I said "no, I don't think your that kinda guy"...then we spoke for a bit, but he had his family over for dinner so said he'd call me later tonight.

 

I feel a lot better now that I spoke to him.

[annie24]

glad you guys talked things over!!! hope the 3rd date goes well!

[bebeblondie]

I think it was a bit of both, feeling it was wrong, and remorse afterwards. Again, it's just not something I feel comfortable doing this early on, I just got carried away. I do feel better now that I spoke to him, but still am a bit upset, but I'm sure that'll pass.