On the verge of a break-up

[MissingSparkle]

My BF and I been dating for lil over a year. from the very beginning i wasnt ready to be in a relationship because my prior relationship was tumultous, and I honestly didnt feel relationship chemistry between us. I liked him just as a friend. He was very sweet so i decided to take a risk and see what could possibly happen. Well we didnt connect... sexually, emotionally, mentally. i felt like he was on an interview with me rather then being authentic the whole time. i was very honest from the beginning about the flaws i had and that i couldnt change. i seen that we were going to have issues because of character flaws we had and i didnt want to be in another bad relationship wasting time. so i made it a point to confront it head on and see if there could be any compromises that could be made to make the situation better. he claimed he wanted to be better and make the relationship work. so i stayed and continue to try. everything about him irked me, the way he did the dishes, how forgetful he was...i was loosing my patience.

 

it became excessive how often i had an issue with something he did, i didnt present it like "what the hell is wrong with you" or "i hate that" i would present it like "listen im trying to understand your logic and what makes you do these things" i thought maybe if he explained his way of thinking i could help him see how he could change, i honestly tried to nip it in the butt so it wouldnt progress. he took it as a nag and felt that i was just trying to ruin the mood.

 

Nothing changed. He bad habits were becoming increasingly evident he would snoop through my things, he never communicated his issues to me and would bottle everything till it got under his skin, he wasnt trying to please me sexually, he doesnt acknowledge when hes wrong or makes attempts to understand my feeling, he lied to me about having his facebook open...the list goes on. it gets me upset because hes not speaking my love language i feel unloved, i don't trust him and i feel alone and misunderstood.

 

I'm not blaming it all on him, but i have been trying to change for the better. i ask him if he has an issue that he would like to talk about and i wont get offended by it. i admit when i hurt his feelings, when i see he looks really irritable, i let the conversation die because i know hes no longer present, even if we didnt resolve anything.

 

heres a perfect example of our interactions:

Scenario- walking out of the grocery store to the car i notice on the receipt our gas points are gone,

ME: have you used the points recently

HIM: no

ME: well the points are missing on the receipt

HIM: oh yes, i forgot

ME: ok that was weird, why did you respond like that?

HIM: oh because i get gas all the time

 

(Already having this trust issue with him, i'm pissed, we get into the car and theres silence.)

 

HIM: I sorry you thought i responded to you like that, i just forgot i got gas

ME: how do you forget you got gas? why do you always forget what happens throughout the day? do you just wander around aimlessly thoughout the day? you know i have a trust issue and when you cant pause for a moment to recall something, but answer quickly then change your answer it seems suspicious.

HIM: Suspicious? oh here we go again, we were having a good day and you are just trying to fight

ME: no i have a pre-existing issue and you dont see how you add to it rather then make it better, its the same thing.

HIM: i said sorry about forgetting about the gas, you just want to fight.

We were going back and forth on this for sometime,

 

(He leaves and i think hes going to smoke a cigarette and twenty mins later is still outside. i go outside and see hes sitting in his car, i walk over to him)

ME: what are you doing?

HIM: nothing

ME: so you were sitting out here doing nothing, you werent on the internet, phone, nothing?

HIM: i was just playing the game on my phone, i wanted to get away for a min

ME: why do you always try to solve a problem with another problem?

 

(we sit there for 1 in sileence, I walk back to the house, he comes in behind me)

ME: your pushing me away, is this what you want?

HIM: silence

ME: how would you feel if i decided to break up with you?

HIM: well i know i feel like i want to go to sleep right now

 

(Walks in the room and goes to bed. NO resolution or acknowledgment of my feelings.)

 

I'm at my wits end. Not sure how i should proceed in this situation, because ive had enough. i would be sad to lose him but i wouldnt be this depressed by myself. being in a relationship i expect that my partner at least tries to understand me. so it hurts me when he doesnt.

[Wunderbarrr]

So what 'flaws' do you have that you can't 'change'? Everybody has flaws, but since you warned him right up front about those (why? everybody has some flaws), I don't believe that if you don't try, you can't change them.

 

Actually, from what I see with your example, you're blaming him for your trust issues. Or at least, you won't change them and if he doesn't live up to your expectations, you blame it on him.

 

Forgot he got gas? I mean, who stands still by the fact a person bought something or not? He admits he forgot he got gas, and you blame him for forgetting and that's 'suspicious'? You know about your condition, whatever it might be, and you simply think that HE should adapt to it, that HE should try and keep it in mind and that HE basically is the only one who can limit the severity of it.

 

Just to start, have you been to a counselor/therapist? Have you searched for help?

 

I think you're the one who is pushing him away, and that's why he is emotionally withdrawing. Because no matter what he tells you, even how stupid it might sound, you burn it to the ground. Every move he makes, he gets questioned about it and because you don't understand that, you make him feel like an idiot. At least, that's my perspective of this whole example you just brought up, unless I'm missing something, but then please come up with a better example.

 

Anyway, seeking help is one good option, if not this relationship, then for the next, because whatever condition you might have, those questions and reactions towards one's actions are really uncalled for. 2nd, if you feel like he's that incompatible with you, then leave him, it's that simple.

 

This whole response might not be what you were looking for, but if that example really was one of your examples of how he is the 'bad' boyfriend... And you guys have been together for over a year, I can really understand he withdraws like that because no matter what, you invalidate every thing he says and does.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

from the very beginning i wasnt ready to be in a relationship because my prior relationship was tumultous, and I honestly didnt feel relationship chemistry between us

 

Then you shouldn't have started a relationship with him in the first place. I agree with the post above, that you are the one not treating him right. The fact that you basically forced yourself to be in a relationship with him set the stage for you to be unhappy with him no matter what he does. You say your last relationship was tumultuous...but then so is this relationship because you keep picking fights with this guy. I think it is time to end this relationship once and for all...and for you to take a long hard look at how you behave in relationships. This poor man seems to have to walk on eggshells around you because you are so unhappy with everything he does.

[SapphireNoir10]

In all honesty I don't get why you are with him you sound like you don't even LIKE anything about him

 

The way you are treating him is NOT ok. Picking fights over him forgetting he got gas....why?

 

If you knew you weren't compatible you shouldn't have entered the relationship expecting him to change.

 

Do him a favour and let him find someone that will love him flaws and all.

[MissingSparkle]

i know that i'm a tough person. i have great expectations for myself and those around me. I told him this and its something that i honestly can't change because i am always looking for ways to be better and live a healthy clean life. He made it seem like he cared about self improvement because hes a verbalist and speaks very well. however, 9-10 things he said while we were dating have yet come to pass, and it bothers me because there was no need to embellish, i would of been more connected to him had he just been authentic.

 

I'm a very meticulous person and organize to save time, so when i show him why im organizing the way i am, (i implemented a very easy system) he refuses to do it and then im the one picking up after him, when i dont have the time. this also adds to my frustrations because i feel like he doesnt care about what i have going on in my life and i should just shut up and cater to him. I have trust issues with people in general, i don't know what it stems from but i'm such an open honest person, that i expect the same from those around me. Once you lie to me it changes me completely, i cant stand lies because i feel like theres no reason for it unless your hiding something. With this gas situation it may seem trivial, but he responds this way to big and small things. theres was money missing from my purse once and he said he didnt take it, then an hour later confesses he did. so instead of thinking how i might react, he'd rather save his image and not confess straight away. I'm feeling crazy that i thought there was money in my purse and someone stole it, when he could of just confessed and it would of been over. i asked him how his day was, he tells me same as usual but "forgets" to mention that he went and had drinks with some friends, when a common friend tells me they met up. another time he came home eyes all glossy, and asked him if he smoked weed, he tells me no, when he wreaks of it and then says maybe a lil while laughing.

 

I really am an understanding person, just tell me what it is straight out and there would be no issues, his need to constantly forget and change his stories is freaking suspicous and drives me up a wall. i had no desire to change him, in our early dealings, and instead i tried to change myself. i seen that there were certain contrasting character flaws we had so i tried to change since i know what i can do and i dont expect anyone to change. yet, his way of communicating is not appropriate, and it gives me issues. it doesnt make me feel secure in his word, it makes me have questions in my mind. and honestly if you kept asking someone just random things and they kept forgetting and changing there answer any normal person would question that. We dont have a dialoge, he doesnt ask me about my feelings, or thoughts and he doesnt ask me what he could do to improve this relationship. if i didnt reach out to communicate with him or be loving or have sex we would literally just be roomates and honestly i feel like im the only one who cares because im the only one doing any of that.

 

i dont get upset if he wants to hang out, i suggest it to him when i see him home often, i dont snoop through his things, he snoops through mine, i tell him of my plans and any changes if i expect to be home at a later time, he "forgets" what happens during the course of his day. whenever i tell him how these things make me feel and offer an easy solution, he doesnt try. I don't understand his behavior it comes off like a lil kid that doesnt want to get into trouble, id rather he just be convicted enough to be factual good or bad and honestly it would minimize our issues.

[mhowe]

The poor guy is being pecked to death by a duck!

 

You forgot you used the points. You don't respond. You you you you you.

 

You are Not an understanding person, sad to say. You are very demanding and personality wise the complete opposite of your bf. You don't have dialogues, you have interrogations.

 

Chaulk it up to Not compatible and move on.

[becomingkate]

I think I understand why you're so frustrated! I would be upset about the lies regarding the going out, the weed, and taking money from your purse. My 15 year old lies quite often to avoid getting into trouble; she'll even lie about little things! It's very frustrating and my husband and I are trying to teach her that lying won't help in any way, it'll just make us suspicious of her future intentions.

 

In your case though, you two are just not compatible. I doubt there's anything that you can do or he can do to save it. You resent him and he resents you and you are two totally different people. You'll go around and around until you both get tired of it, then split up anyway. I'd start making plans to get out as soon as you can.

[Wunderbarrr]

Well, that already shows some different light on the situation. Although I'm not really convinced, your reactions do have a bit more credit on some of these situations now you've said this, on the other hand is actions and a few lies also do might have their reasons, especially since I find it strange you came up with the really innocent gas example and only later with the whole story, which would make a lot more sense. BUT, in no way I think there's any reasonable excuse for him by taking out money from your purse without asking, let that be clear. As for him going out without telling, well, that's the hard part now. Would you have thrown a fit if he told you? I don't know, he doesn't know, and somewhere I sense he tried to cover it up. Is that the right thing to do? No way, but nor are your reactions towards him for innocent stuff. You guys are really enabling each other in bad behavior; maybe a nice way of saying would be 'he doesn't put his foot down for you having your foot into his ***'.

 

As said, and really as you've thought before going into a relationship with him, you guys are incompatible and you've some trust issues. He might have issues, maybe not, that's unclear. You both are wrong and really, break it off. You really should still talk to somebody nonetheless, such reactions are still really not good. Because if all his actions didn't led to a break up yet, which basically mean you sort of forgave it, and you react to such minor things in such a big ways because he 'always this and that', that's not good. You basically don't forgive him for any flaws he has and so you don't give the relationship any chance of being happy and relaxed.

[pl3asehelp]

Not intending to be mean here, but being in this relationship sounds horrible. Just let this guy go - you're going to kill him from stress if you don't. You guys are definitely not a match.

[MissingSparkle]

I'm understanding towards the truth. just come out with it whatever it is, and well deal, when lies and hiding the truth come in to play i dont understand the reasons for it. I totally acknowledge that i can be demanding and these are just a few situations that happened between us. i would say 1/3 of the time when these things happen i've gone weeks without saying anything, while he was being inconsiderate, telling me the whole truth and havent said anything because its exhausting for me too. I want a partner i can trust and that i know everything about. i can not feel comfortable with someone who i have no idea what they are capable of when they are away from me, thats not a relationship, i shouldnt have to force it out of him either, he should want to tell me. i havent reacted in a bad way until i first caught him lying to me.

[MissingSparkle]

I think I understand why you're so frustrated! I would be upset about the lies regarding the going out, the weed, and taking money from your purse. My 15 year old lies quite often to avoid getting into trouble; she'll even lie about little things! It's very frustrating and my husband and I are trying to teach her that lying won't help in any way, it'll just make us suspicious of her future intentions.

 

In your case though, you two are just not compatible. I doubt there's anything that you can do or he can do to save it. You resent him and he resents you and you are two totally different people. You'll go around and around until you both get tired of it, then split up anyway. I'd start making plans to get out as soon as you can.

 

thank you, people dont realize how important the little things are, and how the add up.

[mhowe]

Please --- just break up. There is nothing left of this relationship. Sometimes people lie to folks like you to avoid the inevitable blow out.

 

Since no one but you and him could have used the gas points, why even ask? And then make a federal case out of it. I'm not saying his behavior is mature, but it certainly seems to be more conflict avoidant than vicious or mean spirited.

[MissingSparkle]

i respect and appreciate all your comments. i think mainly you guys are right. i have never felt settled or at peace in the relationship since its inception. my "pecking" " nagging" and "demands" have been an attempt to create that peace i crave. i tried to forget how we are not compatible because he convinced me anything could be worked on. and i think hes just the cutest and sweetest i wanted to believe him.

[MissingSparkle]

honestly i appreciate critique so much because it makes me see myself in a realistic way, honestly keep it coming. he has never been communicative from the beginning so i dont really know what could be going on in his head. because i would of loved if he could of told me things things. i would ask him if he had any issues with me but he would just keep telling me your fine the way you are?!?! as sweet as it was, it wasnt helpful. i don't want to be without him guys, i dont want to keep treating him like this either. do you think theres a way that i could start to shift the tone of our relationship for the better or do think it would be too difficult and we should just break up?

[mhowe]

You are not on the same page at all. Break up. Your method of communication borders on badgering. And he is completely passive.

[pl3asehelp]

honestly i appreciate critique so much because it makes me see myself in a realistic way, honestly keep it coming. he has never been communicative from the beginning so i dont really know what could be going on in his head. because i would of loved if he could of told me things things. i would ask him if he had any issues with me but he would just keep telling me your fine the way you are?!?! as sweet as it was, it wasnt helpful. i don't want to be without him guys, i dont want to keep treating him like this either. do you think theres a way that i could start to shift the tone of our relationship for the better or do think it would be too difficult and we should just break up?

 

I think to have any shot at being with him, you have to accept that he's just very very different from you and not expect that to change. By expressing your desire for him to change or disapproval for who he is, he takes the easy way of just hiding it from you to avoid conflict. If you let him be who he is, he won't have anything to hide. There's a fine line here though where you are in danger of him walking all over you - for instance, he can't be taking money from your purse without asking - you have to draw a line in the sand on something like that and let him know it not acceptable. I think it would be most difficult for you, but if you think you really want it, you can try. Are you sure you'd still be happy with him as he is? It seems not, but only you know.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There was a TV show (which came from a movie) called "The Odd Couple" and it was about two roommates, one meticulous and neat, the other sloppy and couldn't care less. The clashing of the personality types made for hilarious comedy on TV...but in real life it would not be so hilarious. I think the two of you are mismatched and I think you forced yourself into this relationship because you wanted to be with someone and have the companionship. The two of you are just too different and I think it is time to end things.