DaveW74 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Ok, my dilemma. I've been in a relationship for 10 years, 4 1/2 married, no kids. My wife & I every year for 4 months her mother stays with us & when that happens her brother starts coming over everyday! Not that I'm against smoking weed, but I am against smoking weed in my house. I tell my wife, I can't stand it & all her brother does is mooch whatever he can get from you. Much more to tell but to make it short. I have a friend I met probably 3 months before I was getting married. We hit it off on the spot! We've stayed friends & I guess we've used each other as therapists... This past November, her mother & brother shows back up for the 4 months, I decide hell with this & start looking for reasons not to to come home. Eventually leading to hanging out with my friend who we both already had crushes on each other became more than friends. We never went to the sex, but mentally it felt we were 2 pees in a pod. We hang out, text I get home late. My friend says she doesn't want to start something before I get separated, which at that time was defiantly going to happen. So I told a fib so I could still hang & text with her & not deal with home. My wife finds her name & number & calls her, they talk somewhat for a couple of minutes, now neither will talk to me.... The wife, it's whatever. That has drawn its end I feel, but my friend feels I betrayed her & lied to her. I did, but I want her back. What do I do? She won't come closer than a 15 foot pole Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 You established that you're married to your friend beforehand right? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 My wife finds her name & number & calls her, they talk somewhat for a couple of minutes, now neither will talk to me.... The wife, it's whatever. That has drawn its end I feel, but my friend feels I betrayed her & lied to her. I did, but I want her back. What do I do? She won't come closer than a 15 foot pole I think your friend is being very wise. Instead of trying to get her back, maybe you should focus on your own marriage. Try marriage counselling to work on all the issues, and if that fails, then take the next step and get a divorce so that you can be free to mess with other women. Until then, leave your friend be. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Link to comment
DaveW74 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 She knew I was married, on the verge of leaving. I didn't leave immediately for reasons. I told her a week & a half 2 weeks later I did file for separation, which I had not at the time. I wanted to spend all my time with my friend. I didn't think I was hurting her in any way. We enjoyed each others company. Anyways after my now ex called her out the blue & they conversated & my lies caught up to me at once. I tried to play it cool with my friend, but instead of bringing her closer, I pushed her away even farther. I showed up at her work during lunch just to try to explain, she listened but still is upset at me, I couldn't let her go easily & let her comeback. Everyday I would bug the hell out of her, now 2 1/2 weeks later we haven't talked in over 1 1/2 weeks. When & should I attempt to put it back together. ? Link to comment
Trinity11 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 My friend says she doesn't want to start something before I get separated, which at that time was defiantly going to happen. So I told a fib so I could still hang & text with her & not deal with home. She did not know everything, and fibbing...c'mon man. but my friend feels I betrayed her & lied to her. I did, but I want her back. What do I do? She won't come closer than a 15 foot pole So you are saying you are worried more about your friend, than your wife at this point. I think you betrayed all parties involved and I think they have some sense not to want to talk to you. You need to sort yourself out. I dont think you have been putting your voice in the right place about the family situation..put your foot down, make some rules for him to abide to if he wants to stay, both you and your wife need to compromise. If he doesn't abide by the rules, then hes out. That is fair. If there is anything more to add on this topic I think its important to know how you handle situations like this. I think you have some communication issues with your wife and are looking for an easy out. Any relationship that begins while with another partner is doomed to fail, it sounds like you are already there. Link to comment
meoww Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 So did you tell your friend you were separated so you could hang out? That is kind of a big lie... If that is the case I see why she is so upset. I think it was important to her that your new relationship began on good terms, especially when you were almost unfaithful to your wife. She probably feels that you wouldn't be loyal to her if you can lie to her about that so early on. I think that she might forgive you if you can get it accross to her that you understand her concerns and provide an explanation of what was going on in your head at the time. I think it's important at this point to be direct and honest. I was kind of confused by the wording in part of your post so I might have misunderstood the issue. Link to comment
DaveW74 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 I have a hard time fitting all this in. It's a lot of history. I told my friend days after, the reason I lied to her was so I didn't lose her to someone else. The marraige was over, no doubt, no sex, no intimacy. Nothing. I really wanted to see what was there with my friend, I know this sounds cliche but I do think she was my soulmate in many ways. We built a relationship out of friendship first, we know each others insecurities & we were both willing to move forward. I messed up by lying & don't know how I can rectify that. Link to comment
Trinity11 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 A marriage is over when it is over and the papers are all signed....not 'which at that time was definitely going to happen' Link to comment
DaveW74 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Capricorn, the thing is I don't want my wife back. I've been through this revolving process for the last 6 years & I can't deal with it. I've said my peace on many of occasions but it hits deaf ears. Link to comment
DaveW74 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Trinity your right, but how do I pull this back together. I would hate myself for letting the 1 person that truly understood me walk away Link to comment
MissMetamatics Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I don't want to come off harsh or rude, but having my husband have an affair on me, I have no sympathy for you. First, if you are having troubles in your marriage and you need advice, make an appt to speak to a trained professional. Not another woman that isn't your wife. Second, if you are unhappy with your wife's family...you talk to her about what's making you unhappy. Because if you don't your relationship will not change. Third, I think you've gotten what you deserve. You started an emotional affair with another woman, which possibly would've become physical in a matter of time. If you don't want to be with your wife, give her the respect she deserves and file for divorce. You made this uncomfortable bed, now you need to sleep in it. You aren't the victim in this situation. You had a choice and clearly made the wrong one. So deal with the consequences, learn and grow from them. Link to comment
JJ2980 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 OP I am glad your friend had the common sense to not go there with you - it tells me she has something you lack - MORALS. You carried on what was at the very least an emotional affair and that is wrong. You dug your own grave Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 She knew I was married, on the verge of leaving. If she knew this fact then she is over reacting. Whats she expecting? You to be forever happy with your wife magically and be her friend forever? Fact is you weren't happy with your wife to begin with whether you knew her or not. In addition EVEN IF you did leave your wife because you no longer loved her and was in love with someone else it is STILL a legitimate reason to file for divorce. As you stated you did not cheat. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 She wanted to be clean, and now probably feels like you've turned her into a mistress or homewrecker or a toy. Plus you've made it very clear that you will say what you want to get what you want. I think you should just leave her alone and figure out your separation. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 You're not obligated to spend money and time on counseling to continue a marriage you don't want to be in, but you are obligated to take mature and responsible steps to separate and finish old business before latching onto someone else. The GF can't 'help' you do your job of dealing with things you need to handle on our own. She's smart enough to recognize that you're not only manipulating everyone else, you're also doing it to her. If trusting her meant all that much to you, you'd offer her the same degree of trust in you. Instead you've demo'd that your only concern is yourself. Step up to handle your family business, get your life in order. If you do that you'll demo to the GF that you're capable of walking your talk. Until then, it's just hot air. I wouldn't bother trying to contact her with more hot air--she'll see that for exactly what it is. Link to comment
DaveW74 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 I probably need to start wearing my big boy pants, I have a hell of a time telling them something that could hurt them in any way. I guess in my rational way of thinking, the ex would find out. Then be able to keep things moving with my friend, but was I a total fool. Now I hate myself even more! Do you think maybe I should invite my friend to lunch or something? I do enjoy our conversations & I miss them tremendously Link to comment
Iggles Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Do you think maybe I should invite my friend to lunch or something? I do enjoy our conversations & I miss them tremendously No. You should file for divorce and start getting your financials in order. Once you're legally separated then you can reach out to her. Skip that step and you come to her with more empty promises. You've already done much damage to push her way, and she does not want to be a mistress! Also, you should try to be more selfless. You're so focused on what will make YOU feel better and how YOU miss your conversations for her. It doesn't seem like you're concerned with how you "friend" feels. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Do you think maybe I should invite my friend to lunch or something? I do enjoy our conversations & I miss them tremendously NO. You just undid any glimmer of recognition you appeared to display in your post. ~It's not all about YOU.~ Link to comment
Trinity11 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I probably need to start wearing my big boy pants, I have a hell of a time telling them something that could hurt them in any way. I guess in my rational way of thinking, the ex would find out. Then be able to keep things moving with my friend, but was I a total fool. Now I hate myself even more! Do you think maybe I should invite my friend to lunch or something? I do enjoy our conversations & I miss them tremendously Are you in complete denial? Your wife is not your ex...not yet because you have not done the ground and paperwork to make it so. I would leave these women alone and take catfeeders advice. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Do you think maybe I should invite my friend to lunch or something? I have the feeling that you just don't get the fact that, "You can't have your cake, and eat it too." All you're doing is digging a deeper grave, which you'll eventually fall into. Link to comment
DaveW74 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 You guys are completely correct. I just need to step back get my affairs In order & who knows what will happen. Link to comment
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