Not fully commited to boyfriend because he's not capable of marriage so soon.

[kittykatkat]

What do you think of some women who are like this?

 

OR also, why should she be serious with him if he mentions "Another 5-9 years" when his friend asks when he wants to marry her?

[LikeWater]

How long has the couple been together?

[kittykatkat]

How long has the couple been together?

 

Less than a year.

Then, wouldnt it be better to find out sooner whether to be fully commited or not? before she ends up waiting n waiting and nothing happens.

[kittykatkat]

and before expecting more from the guy, and gets 'hurt' and dissapointed.

[Fudgie]

I think if she wants to get married to someone sooner rather than later, then no, she's not going to be happy waiting for that long. They are incompatible.

 

I don't think that when all guys say "in 5+ years or more" means that they are stalling or not wanting to get married. Sure, some guys say it and don't mean, but others do. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and he says the same thing. I'm ambivalent about marriage right now but if it's going to happen, I would like it to happen in 5+ years, so much later, not sooner. Waiting is good sometimes.

 

I don't blame him for wanting to wait. Less than a year is not much time at all to know!

[LikeWater]

I think if she wants to get married to someone sooner rather than later, then no, she's not going to be happy waiting for that long. They are incompatible.

 

I don't think that when all guys say "in 5+ years or more" means that they are stalling or not wanting to get married. Sure, some guys say it and don't mean, but others do. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and he says the same thing. I'm ambivalent about marriage right now but if it's going to happen, I would like it to happen in 5+ years, so much later, not sooner. Waiting is good sometimes.

 

I don't blame him for wanting to wait. Less than a year is not much time at all to know!

 

^ This exactly. Others may not agree, and I'm aware that some people just aren't willing to wait that long. However, personally, I see it as him being smart and making sure he truly loves/trusts/wants the person he's with. Divorce comes with serious consequences and I don't fault anyone for taking all the steps they can to make sure that doesn't happen. I realize you could never be 100% sure that your spouse would never leave, but you want to be as sure as you can.

[lady00]

I think it depends on the ages. If I were younger than I am now, I would not want to get married until several years later. I agree with Fudgie, I think if a couple is on completely different timetables, then it's not going to work.

[Ms Darcy]

There is evidence to suggest that couples who marry after one to three years of dating are LESS likely to divorce than couples who dated longer. Some suggestions for this revolve around one party stalling out of some doubt. The slower to marry the quicker to divorce. The exception is for younger couples who date for a long time as they establish themselves.

[itsallgrand]

In my experience, men who are marriage minded let you know quite early that that is what they are seeking.

 

If someone were to make marriage a very high priority for whether or not to progress a relationship (and that's valid), then I would not suggest "waiting" for any man who wasn't clear that he sees marriage in his NEAR future.

 

If you aren't worried about marriage, it's different. I'm like Fudgie. I wasn't and am not looking to fall in love and then BAM, AWW, he proposes and we get married. So I actually found that men who ARE marriage minded and know it is something they want in their NEAR future (meaning, as soon as they find the right girl and the relationship has developed enough for him to know that), have not been compatible with me. When things have progressed, I was committed and happy that way but he was thinking "ok then let's talk about marriage" and I was still ambivalent about it. Love doesn't change whether or not someone wants to get married. They either do or they don't, IMO.

[LikeWater]

Alright, maybe someone can help me out on this, because it's something I've been confused about for a while now.

 

I ask what the importance of marriage is in the first place. I have people tell me that it's about commitment. The vows you take, the rings, everything... it's all supposed to mean that the two of you will be together for life, NO MATTER WHAT.

 

Yet there's such a thing as divorce, and in the US, it's very common. Half of all marriages end in divorce.

 

So... it's not like by getting married that you can't be left. It's not like just because you shared those vows that the person you're with will stay true to them... or even that YOU will stay true to them.

 

So all marriage really means then is that if you get left, it becomes a financial fiasco on top of all the heartache and pain.

 

So please, someone, clear this up for me. Why is the outdated concept of marriage still so important to people? I mean, if you live with someone, love them with all your heart, and you two are happy as can be, would getting married suddenly make your relationship better?

 

I just don't get it.

[Ms Darcy]

"So all marriage really mean then is that if you get left, it becomes a financial fiasco on top of all the heartache and pain."

 

Well, I find that it is nearly impossible to change anyone's mind on a topic and you seem pretty convinced of this perspective.

 

Marriage is a lot of hard work and it is a commitment to doing everything to make the marriage work out. BUT, there are a lot of things that can happen in the interim. I am not married but:

 

If my husband started abusing me, mentally or physically, I would leave him.

If he cheated, I would leave.

If he lost his job and stopped looking aggressively for work, I would leave.

If he was abusive to our children, I would leave.

If we argued incessantly and couples therapy didn't help, I would leave.

If I was the only one providing childcare to the children, I would leave.

 

Marriage is a commitment ... it is a promise to do our best. But the marriage itself is also a test. It is very hard to basically keep trying over a long period of time. Very hard.

 

But for the long term marriages that work out, it's worth it.

[LikeWater]

I'm totally open to having my mind changed. I would love if someone could say something to me that would bring about an epiphany and allow me to understand this whole thing. But...

 

You didn't mention a single benefit to getting married (let's not be silly and bring up taxes, please.)

 

You didn't mention a single reason why marriage is necessary for a couple to make those promises to each other, or to stay together for life.

 

You only mentioned several reasons why you would divorce someone.

 

You kind of inadvertently solidified what I was saying.

[Fudgie]

Marriage is a legally binding contract that a couple gets that makes them share stuff and have certain legal rights in terms of healthcare.

Marriage symbolizes a commitment. Notice how I didn't say that marriage IS a commitment. It SYMBOLIZES a commitment.

 

If marriage were a commitment, then no one would be getting a divorce. Instead, it symbolizes a commitment that a couple has to stay together. You can have that with or without marriage. Without that commitment, the marriage falls apart.

 

Since living with my boyfriend, I've become more ambivalent. Cohabitation allows me to enjoy the benefits of marriage without actually getting married. I may or may not get actually married in the future, I toy with the idea from time to time. I would like to get special "promise" rings in the future. That's about it for me.

 

My commitment to my boyfriend has been the same as it was to my boyfriends since I was 18 - "I'll stay with you until you cheat on me, abuse me, neglect me, or grow apart from me and the relationship in a way that cannot be remedied or resolved." It is the same to me if I were married or not. Thus, I am starting to wonder if I should bother at all in the future.

[becomingkate]

To me, marriage is so much more than a piece of paper. It's hard to explain why, other than to say it was important for us to take these steps in order to help our children feel connected.

 

My mom and step-dad have been living together for 39 years and no matter how hard I tried, I could not get the kids to call my step-father "grandpa." I wanted them to, but my sisters kids didn't do it, so my kids didn't either. They call him Jim. Is it because they never married? Is it because we all know that the union wasn't really strong enough for marriage, and therefore even though he's been there all their lives, he's just Jim?

 

And now that he's in his 70's, he's made up a will leaving all his land to his brother and nothing to my mom, or any of us kids, so is that because they never married? Most likely.

 

I've lived common law and I've been married, but at this point in my life I want to be married. I want it so that I can show my children that it IS possible for a man and woman to live together in a commited marriage and be happy and be able to work through things as they come up. I want them to value marriage, not be afraid of it.

 

And finally, I wanted marriage so that my kids would feel more secure, with us and with each other. When Bill and I got married, his daughter and my daughter became real sisters. The school didn't require any kind of documentation of me being my step-daughters guardian because I became her legal mother.

 

OP, if you're young and you have a guy that wants to wait 5 years, I think that's reasonable, as people change so much in their youth. However, if you are adults (25+) and have been together for awhile and want the same things (marriage, house & children) then I would say three years is a more reasonable time frame than five years, but everyone is different.

[Fudgie]

^ I think in terms of children, marriage is essential. I'm not having kids but I do strongly believe in only having kids in wedlock, not outside of it. It's better for them overall and like you said, more secure. Definitely in their better interests! It also protects you when things arise and you need to divorce. It's harder for someone to just walk away. And that's good!! You have kids!

 

If it's just two people though, it doesn't mean as much to me. That being said, I may still do it one day, if financially things were okay. But maybe not too.

[LikeWater]

Yeah, I can definitely understand your side of things, becomingkate. It's a different story when there are children involved. I just would never be in that position, myself. Well, I guess I can't say never since no form of birth control is 100% effective, but you get what I mean. I'm referring to reasons for marriage without children already being part of the equation.

 

As for why your kids wouldn't call your stepfather grandpa, I don't think that has anything to do with marriage. First of all your sisters kids already called him Jim, so that's what they got used to referring to him as. Second... no mater what, he'll never be their actual grandfather. My grandmother is married to someone who isn't my mom's dad, and thus I've always just called him by his first name. He's not my grandfather.

[becomingkate]

As for why your kids wouldn't call your stepfather grandpa, I don't think that has anything to do with marriage. First of all your sisters kids already called him Jim, so that's what they got used to referring to him as. Second... no mater what, he'll never be their actual grandfather. My grandmother is married to someone who isn't my mom's dad, and thus I've always just called him by his first name. He's not my grandfather

 

But did your Grandma marry him before you were born?

 

Jim has been our dad since we were little, and I feel that it was the way my sister felt about him that led her to ask the kids to call him by his first name. When I brought up calling him Grandpa, her response was that they weren't married and he wasn't their real grandpa. But by that standard, I wouldn't be her sister because I'm adopted and don't share the same blood. But because I was legally adopted, I AM her sister. Much of this is all perception and how one feels about the legal aspect of relationships.

[EssexMan]

why should she be serious with him if he mentions "Another 5-9 years" when his friend asks when he wants to marry her?

 

It depends how he phrases it.

 

"Not just yet" is reasonable enough.

 

"We must wait at least five years" seems to me like deliberately pushing the idea so far away that it becomes an unreal prospect.

 

It's ruling out even the possibility that he might consider it in another year or two.

[LikeWater]

But did your Grandma marry him before you were born?

 

Well, no.

 

BUT, my actual grandfather is married to someone else as well, and he's been married to her since before I was born, and I've always called her by her first name, too.

 

That brings up another part of it. I knew and interacted with my actual grandfather and my actual grandmother. So that's gotta be the main reason I would never call my mom's stepdad or stepmom by grandma or grandpa or any other version of those titles. So maybe my situation was quite different than your kids' situation.

 

Much of this is all perception and how one feels about the legal aspect of relationships.

 

Agreed.

[goodfoot]

It depends how he phrases it.

 

"Not just yet" is reasonable enough.

 

"We must wait at least five years" seems to me like deliberately pushing the idea so far away that it becomes an unreal prospect.

 

It's ruling out even the possibility that he might consider it in another year or two.

 

I don't think having a specific timeframe means he's deliberately pushing it away. I told my girlfriend I would have to wait at least 4 years. The reason is because I'm a junior in college and I feel like I need to be done with school and somewhat established before I get married.

[abitbroken]

What do you think of some women who are like this?

 

OR also, why should she be serious with him if he mentions "Another 5-9 years" when his friend asks when he wants to marry her?

 

Back to the original question. I think 5-9 years is really murky. I think more info is needed. If they are in high school - just see where it goes. Not being ready for another 5-9 might be valid. If he is 40 - walk away and never turn back. I would not date a guy at my age who wants to get married in five years. I would want a guy who wants to meet the right woman and will marry when that relationship develops to that point with no set timeline involved (no "i won't get married for 5 years.")

 

Also, what is the 5-9 years based on - finishing med school? If you have a clearer idea about what that means, and it means something like wanting to finish grad school, then you have a talking point.

 

I think no matter how the thread has gone, if marriage is important to the OP, it doesn't matter what we think about marriage. It is clearly important to the OP.

[EssexMan]

I don't think having a specific timeframe means he's deliberately pushing it away. I told my girlfriend I would have to wait at least 4 years. The reason is because I'm a junior in college and I feel like I need to be done with school and somewhat established before I get married.

 

Ah yeah, in those circumstances that's understandable.

[LikeWater]

I think no matter how the thread has gone, if marriage is important to the OP, it doesn't matter what we think about marriage. It is clearly important to the OP

 

Well, the OP asked two questions, and hasn't referred to herself at all. What I've been saying and asking relates to the first question. And since the OP hasn't referred to herself, and has been speaking in the third person, I disagree that marriage is clearly important to her. Aside from that, I think I should be allowed to question why marriage is so important and why people feel so insecure without it.

 

Some people just seem to be afraid of discussions around here. Can't figure out why that is.

 

Of course, people can also ignore my post where I brought up these things and then I won't have anything to reply to.

[abitbroken]

Some people just seem to be afraid of discussions around here. Can't figure out why that is.

 

A lot of people say "this friend of mine" or list a hypothetical for a reason.

 

Anyway, I guess I wanted to answer the OP's question. Marriage IS important to the OP or the person they are talking about because the question revolves around sticking around if the boyfriend does NOT want marriage in the near future. So that's why I answered what I did.

[PetiteGirl]

It could be people are just focusing on the OP's questions, staying on topic, instead of being afraid of discussions. If that's the case, there wouldn't be a lot of replies to all kinds of topics here in the first place. If you wanna debate, just start a new thread. It may be fun to take over someone else's thread, but would the OP appreciate it?.