Is this settling? Finding an average person good enough?

[wsim]

After more daydreaming and thinking about my future, I am wondering if "settling" would be considered a negative thing at this point. I have wanted a relationship for over 10 years now, but it hasn't happened despite my efforts. The basic background: I am a 28 year old guy who has never been able to attract women or had a girlfriend before and have always failed when it comes to this. Dating is almost completely foreign, as I have only been on a small handful of dates, with many never progressing to a second date. I like to think that I am a good guy, but as no girl is ever interested then maybe I am lousy after all.

 

Do you think it will appear too desperate to settle? I used to hold out hope that I could find someone that has it all (attractive, good personality, decent career), but realize that I should be more accepting of those that I may not like completely or really attracted to. I have come to the realization that people will have their own flaws/weaknesses and there is no shame in that. As long as an average girl comes along and is a nice person, good enough right? It seems that I will fall for someone like this, providing she shows any remote sign of interest or genuinely likes me for being myself. A major reason could be because of pressure surrounding me, as there are very few single people left among my social circles, majority of my work colleagues are engaged/married and are in their mid 20's, and I have always wanted to consider marriage around the age of 30, but haven't come even close.

 

Sure, standards are important but as I have nothing, I have to take what comes to me right? I do not know what it is like for a girl to be interested, so is it wrong to think this way? Am I cheating myself under this "settling" thing?

[bulletproof]

I think that you should work on just getting to the first phase, dating, and perfecting that. You are a long way from deciding whether you will "settle" in the future.

 

Have what you considered "average" girls come along and you've rejected them?

[petite]

In my opinion no one should settle just so they aren't alone. You should be happy with the person you find, and love them fully and completely. When you settle, you're really doing it just to not be alone without thinking about how that might affect the other person. If both people aren't truly happy they shouldn't be happy. It is normal for people and relationships to have flaws but it's also necessary to accept these flaws without only accepting them just because you feel you're not destined for something better.

It also isn't fair to the other party because you're really with them just because you can't find someone better. One has to like and love their partner to even attempt at succession.

[abitbroken]

I think you need to get to the third date. Maybe you are not showing these women interest and that is why they aren't calling you. Are you acting interested in a third date?? Is it hard for her to tell if you like her?

 

Most people who think they need to settle are not attractive, aren't highly successful and don't have the best personalities either, IMHO. So why is being with someone with average looks who is moderately successful but not a CEO and has their quirks settling anymore than them settling with you?

[shes2smart]

Ok, turn that question around:

 

Imagine you are in a relationship with someone for a while. You overhear her talking to a friend or maybe she leaves an old ENA post up that you innocently stumble upon...and you find out that she wasn't all that enamored with you, but she figured she wasn't getting any younger and you were what was available to her, blah, blah, blah.

 

I don't care how much she may tell you she's "grown to really love you" over time, there's still some part of you that will likely be crushed because you found out she felt she was "settling" for you.

 

Why put someone through that?

 

Better to take stock of your expectations and your standards and see if you have set them up in such a way that it prevents you from getting into a relationship. I have come accross more than a few people who claim to want a relationship, but if you delve a little deeper, you find their "want" and "must have" lists are so complex and detailed as to ensure they exclude *everyone.* I don't claim to know what their motivations may be, but I suspect that their entire being isn't completely sure about wanting to be in a relationship. In any event, the only way to fix that is to work on oneself....not drag some unsuspecting but sorta/kinda ok person into your baggage.

 

There is a vast difference between accepting/loving someone for who they are (flaws-n-all), and figuring they're better than nothing, so you might as well settle for them.

 

One other comment..."settling" for someone is fine...until the day you meet someone else who really piques your interest and is mutually attracted to you. Life being what it is, that's likely to happen and it's also likely you'll leave a trail of destruction in your wake when it does.

[offplanet]

I think life is very long to spend alone and if you find someone you're willing to marry and who's willing to marry you that's a good idea. Doesn't matter if she's average. You can have companionship, sex and a family. Why not? I think it's better than living alone for the rest of your life, if that's what you fear will happen as the alternative.

[becomingkate]

I think it'll be important to seek out women that have very similar interests to your own. Do you pursue any major hobbies or sports? Do you go to Comic Expos or concerts? Are you into UFC or NASCAR?

 

These types of events usually attract the same kind of people and many couples first meet at things like this.

 

If you have no social events revolving around special interests, I'd start by figuring out what you like and start getting out there. Who knows who you'll meet - maybe someone will introduce you to a nice girl, whom you'll be quite attracted to.

[agent1607307371]

 

Better to take stock of your expectations and your standards and see if you have set them up in such a way that it prevents you from getting into a relationship. I have come accross more than a few people who claim to want a relationship, but if you delve a little deeper, you find their "want" and "must have" lists are so complex and detailed as to ensure they exclude *everyone.* I don't claim to know what their motivations may be, but I suspect that their entire being isn't completely sure about wanting to be in a relationship. In any event, the only way to fix that is to work on oneself....not drag some unsuspecting but sorta/kinda ok person into your baggage.

 

 

I think this advice from Shes2smart is excellent, and it couldn't hurt for you to read it and really think about it.

 

If your wish list is so full as to exclude most women you meet, there's probably a reason for that.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think setteling gets a bad wrap...but I don't think that's what you need to do I think you need to reasses your criteria. Be honest if you're nt a 10 then stop hoping for 10 to fall madly in love with you if you're a 6 then why not flirt with 5-7s? Success isn't everything maybe you should open that up to women who are happy in their life and have a goal to get ahead.... maybe she's a nurses aid but really wants to go back to school to get her RN isn't that good enough? Personality....this you should not compromise on you need someone with a personality that fits with yours ...just remember there is no good or bad here...just right for you and not right for you.

 

Good luck! You have plenty of time.... try to have fun and keep a positive outlook.

[Ms Darcy]

^I agree with Love in that I see so many guys who want a girl who is (for lack of a better description) a 9 or 10 when they are 5s. I mean, really? So you dating a 5 (an average girl let's say) is actually not really settling at all. It's being realistic and open. And it's humbling yourself in that you don't 'deserve' girls who have it 'all' .... because they want guys who have it all.

[wsim]

There have been very few girls that were ever interested in me, average-looking ones included. Mostly, I may have not given some average girls a chance when it comes to online dating sites. Previously, I was holding out hope that I could find a 7 or a 8+, but need to lower those expectations. As for getting past first dates, that is quite difficult as it has only happened once. Although, most of the ones that I meet are through online dating, as I have had a very hard time meeting single girls around my age group offline.

 

Thanks for the input, I will consider the comments posted. However, I do want to admit that a major reason why I am so worried is that I am very afraid of being alone and spending life by myself.

[Solo Pilot]

You have to get over your fear of being alone. People in bad relationships often wished they were in single and people single wished they were in a relationship. You don't have to be worried about attracting girls just a girl. Do you go out and do anything social things? You should NEVER ever ever settle because in the end you will still be unhappy. You will look at other girls and always feel like your missing out when another girl that grabs your attention comes along. In my opinion I think guys have way to high of standards thanks largely to porn and the way women dress these days.

 

So honestly do you think your like most guys out there going for the perfect 8-10's? You shouldn't have to lower your expectations but you need to be able to realize that a person's beauty consist of many different things and not just what we see on magazines. Does that mean you should have to date a woman who's got a great personality and weighs 250 pounds? No way unless your into that kind of thing. Anyway I recommend broadening your horizons and talking to more women preferably not the perfect 8,9,10's. But most importantly you gotta get out there and socialize.

[LonelyGirl10]

There have been very few girls that were ever interested in me, average-looking ones included. Mostly, I may have not given some average girls a chance when it comes to online dating sites. Previously, I was holding out hope that I could find a 7 or a 8+, but need to lower those expectations. As for getting past first dates, that is quite difficult as it has only happened once. Although, most of the ones that I meet are through online dating, as I have had a very hard time meeting single girls around my age group offline.

 

Thanks for the input, I will consider the comments posted. However, I do want to admit that a major reason why I am so worried is that I am very afraid of being alone and spending life by myself.

 

Give the average looking girls a chance with online dating. You may realize that they're not so average after you meet them. I think personality plays a lot into the attractiveness of a person. Maybe they're not smiling in the pictures, but when you're with them, their face lights up and they have a gorgeous smile. Ya know?

[pl3asehelp]

Average in what way? A nice person to me is above average.