Should I worry?

[EssexMan]

I turns out also that I think her ex-husband is not on the trip.

 

Okay - so that's your major concern vanished into thin air, right?

 

Could you call her?

[skyecko]

Yeah, I had several concerns. One, her ex-husband being on the trip trying to win her back. That was my primary concern. My second concern now is our relationship. I am now feeling like something is wrong and I am not liking how things are going. The lack of communication is very unusual for us. I could call her but I want to know she misses me so I wait for her call which she doesn't. I thought about calling her hotel room and seeing if she answers or leave a message; but I figure if she wanted to hear from me she would have contacted me. Also, I do not want to make the wrong move and appear "needy" or say the wrong thing; or in general just catch her at a bad time when she is busy and the conversation doesn't go well. I don't want to make things worse and because I don't know how to handle this situation, I do nothing at all.

[EssexMan]

I could call her but I want to know she misses me so I wait for her call which she doesn't. I thought about calling her hotel room and seeing if she answers or leave a message; but I figure if she wanted to hear from me she would have contacted me. Also, I do not want to make the wrong move and appear "needy" or say the wrong thing; or in general just catch her at a bad time when she is busy and the conversation doesn't go well. I don't want to make things worse and because I don't know how to handle this situation, I do nothing at all.

 

You know she may well be sitting in Vegas thinking the exact same?

 

One of you has to break the stalemate!

[metrogirl]

Just call her. Call her and tell her that you miss her and love her and are thinking about her.

[skyecko]

Ok, its 10 am and she just text me to say good morning. She says she is having a lot of fun and really enjoying things. She says it is her last day and she has a lot to do. I havent replied yet. I am still thinking of how to respond. But I really want to know why she didn't say goodnight to me; and she also didn't ask me why I wasn't feeling well like I stated when I said goodnight.

[mhowe]

You need to relax dude. You are coming accross as very needy and insecure. She is enjoying herself, she has been in contact -- and maybe she sees you as trying to guilt her into sympathy. You didn't feel well. She assumes you feel better today.

[skyecko]

Well, I am insecure yes; mostly because she is away and she has never been away before in our relationship. When we are together she always makes me feel secure. But she has not said she has missed me or that she is thinking about me once since her trip. If anything, I think couples should communicate more often when away from one another even it the conversations are shorter. Yes, I realize I have issues and I am trying to work on them and it's not easy. I especially have a hard time relaxing.

[mhowe]

It isn't up to her to make you feel secure. You have to do that for yourself. If you constantly need her to assure you, you are going to drive her away.

[EssexMan]

she has not said she has missed me or that she is thinking about me once since her trip.

 

Remember, that doesn't mean she hasn't missed you or thought about you. Some people just don't say those things very easily.

[skyecko]

Yes, I know I need to feel secure by myself; just like I need to feel confident. And these have always been issues I have struggled with. I agree it is not her responsibility to do these things for me though it does make it easier on me when she does. She doesn't say she misses me all the time; just when were sometimes apart for 6-7 days. Then she will. We are a new relationship so even that little time apart seems like an eternity. I swear it is like 2 weeks sometimes; haha. I don't worry much when she is in town because normally we text so much that I know she is thinking of me. Its just now she is away and not texting much that I am feeling insecure about that. I appreciate everyones thoughts

[skyecko]

Well, I do need advice on this. For the past 3 days my girlfriend has been on a trip and she text me good morning each day; and that's the last I hear from her. No text during the day to check in; and when I say goodnight she doesn't respond. I am really upset about this because even though she is in Vegas I feel she should check in; at least say goodnight. I want to let her know that I don't appreciate this. I want to tell her in a way that lets her know she cross a boundary with me. In other words, I want her to understand how I feel without making matters worse so she won't do it again. What can I do?

[EssexMan]

How about just texting her Hey, I miss hearing from you!

[skyecko]

Because she is not responding to my text. After I say good morning back to her I do not get a response for the rest of the day. It's almost as if she text me and then leaves her phone in the room and goes out. However I know she would'nt do that because she is going to call her kids at least a couple times a day.

[EssexMan]

Because she is not responding to my text. After I say good morning back to her I do not get a response for the rest of the day. It's almost as if she text me and then leaves her phone in the room and goes out. However I know she would'nt do that because she is going to call her kids at least a couple times a day.

 

So make it clear, in a non-critical way, that you'd like to hear from her more.

[skyecko]

Non-critical is hard to do when I feel offended that she should know the right things to do. The right thing I consider is checking in a few times a day. Once in the morning. Once maybe in the afternoon. Once at bedtime. Once a day I find unacceptable. Expecially for a new relationship when we just became boyfriend/girlfriend last week. It is too young of a relationship to not check in. I can understand if we were married for awhile and very secure and trustful in the relationship. No worries; then it wouldn't be a big issue if we heard from each other once a day. Unless she thinks we are already at that point and she is just acting accordingly. But I still expect a response if I text her goodnight. To me that just seems like the right things to do. People are telling me it is not a big deal if your girlfriend doesnt text or call you while on a trip. That it's ok. But I don't feel secure like that yet.

[camus154]

And why are you assuming the right thing in your mind must be the right thing in her mind, hence being offended when the two don't coincide?

 

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting a response to your good night texts, but you do really convey the image of this guy who's hovering by the phone wringing his hands in worry about what his new girlfriend is up to on her trip.

 

You really, really need to back off, man. Maybe the two of you aren't meant to be. Maybe this is a sign that she's not as invested in things with you as you are with her. But I can just about guarantee that if you turn this into an issue with her when she gets back, the two of you probably won't be together much longer.

[skyecko]

Ok, so she came back from her trip. I talked to her on the phone and we got in an argument. She told me that she left her phone in the hotel room and stopped texting me because I asked her if she had been drinking or her ex-husband was on the trip. Basically it really insulted her that I would ask her these things and she said it told her that I don't trust her. Well, I don't trust alcohol but I trust her. With alcohol anything can go wrong. So the following day I went to see her at her house. She had brought back a souvenier keychain and shirt for me. I gave her a box that I had bought for her. I thought things were alright but I started noticing some things. When I went to hug her she would avoid the hug; or one time she did hug me but it wasnt a real hug. When we sat on the couch together she put a pillow between us. While we were walking she kept her hands in her pocket. While we were at the park she had her shades on and wasnt making eye contact with me. When sitting on the bench she put her coffee between us. She didn't give me any affection like she usually does. Normally she holds my hand; and when we hug often; and when on the couch she lays against me. Nothing. Then I felt terrible so I went into the other bedroom and she came in there and she told me that she wanted me to leave. We started arguing. She told me the reason was that she didn't feel comfortable me being at the house with her ex-husband having lawyers and people watching her. I tried to talk with her and she got more upset telling me several times she wanted me to leave. I tried to hug her and she backed away crying. She said that she felt like I was "controlling" and "suffocating" her and that she needed space. I was upset and confused so I just left. Later she sent me this text message.

 

I have fear for many things that if I do something wrong bad things could happen, I have told you many times we aren't perfect but I know you are perfect for me, I want to make you happy And i know I can do it, I told you I need to get things straight and all I'm asking is give me time and space, if you think that this will ruin wherever we have, I'm sorry, I want to be with you with no fear of anything, it might be hard but I think this is the way, I don't want this relation to get very strong then brake, that will hurt more than if we wait and do the right thing, I didn't know talking to you getting to know each other will became a relationship, I do want to be your girlfriend and you my boyfriend but I need space and time to little by little change my life and include you in it. Everything has happen really fast for good but at the same as fast can break if we don't do the right things. I like you and care about you a lot, I hope you really understand me, I noticed I don't like to repeat things but I will learn to do it to make sure we understand each other.

 

So I text her back the following:

 

Thanks for writing. I feel better. I believe that you are the right person for me. So much that I have told my family and friends about you. I even told my ex which seems crazy. I have no doubts. As if I wasn't already happy there are two kids who are just really special. I could not ask for anything more. I know what I want. I realized very quickly that you were different than any girl I had met. I'm still adjusting because I'm not used to someone who is as direct and honest as you. I know things can work out for us; but I need to follow you for now. Our relationship will not break as long as we keep talking and occasionally see one another. I will let you decide these things. And yes, sometimes you may need to repeat yourself and be very specific. I have no fears hun. My only fear is not having you in my life.

 

So the next day I only text her when she text me. Just morning and night. I didn't contact her.

 

Today, she says goodmorning and I say good morning. I thought that was going to be the end of the the conversation. But she text me back.

 

I see you don't want to talk much, I understand one way or another we going to have to talk.

 

At this point, I am not sure what she means. Maybe because we work at the same company?

 

So I text her back.

 

"No, I do want to talk. It is not normal for me to be quiet. You said you needed space. I am trying to give you what you asked."

 

 

She replied:

 

"My space I mean it for you not to come to the house, not that we can't talk, but I understand like I said already."

 

So I reply back:

 

"Oh, I thought you meant u wanted me to back off and more or less leave u alone unless you contact me. It is difficult not to talk with you because I enjoy it. Communication is what brought us together. Communication is what will keep us together. I said I would follow your lead. If you just mean not coming to the house that's no problem."

 

She replies back:

 

"And that's what I said, I was getting upset because I told you several times and you were still there and you left upset and I can't see you like that I don't want to hurt you on any way"

 

I reply back:

 

"Then I misunderstood. I knew you didn't want me at the house. Normally I would leave right away. When I didn't this made you more upset. I wanted to understand things. I always fight for the relationship. That is what I was doing. You tell me how you would like our relationship to be and I will follow it."

 

Which she hasn't replied to. Maybe I should just leave her alone again. I mean part of me thinks she just wants the relationship back to the way it was minus me coming to her house. But when she used the words "controlling", "suffocating her", and "need space" in the argument we have it confused me and now I'm not sure how to approach the relationship.

[EssexMan]

For now, I'd suggest you wait and see what she comes back with. At least you guys are communicating and not getting angry, which is good.

[skyecko]

Also, everything I am reading on the web says when a girl says she "needs space" that the relationship is over. That they are seeing someone else and have no intention of being with you. So that is not making me feel good. Because what she is saying to me seems like she just wants to take things slow and give her some room to breathe because she has a lot to deal with concerning the divorce. What do you think?

[EssexMan]

Also, everything I am reading on the web says when a girl says she "needs space" that the relationship is over. That they are seeing someone else and have no intention of being with you. So that is not making me feel good. Because what she is saying to me seems like she just wants to take things slow and give her some room to breathe because she has a lot to deal with concerning the divorce. What do you think?

 

There are all sorts of theories about what things "really mean" in relationships and you shouldn't take them too literally. Needing space might just mean needing space. Don't assume the worst and risk throwing away a workable relationship just because of some wild generalisations on a Website.

[skyecko]

I feel lost and unsure where I stand with her. Because of the lack of communication I have become depressed and having suicidal thoughts; I cannot relax or sleep and yesterday I ate very little.

 

I just want some assurance that things are fine between us and we are on the same page.

 

Last night I sent her a text and told her that I think I understood what she was looking for and that I was on board with her and would make any changes necessary to make things work.

 

No reply. No goodnight. And so far no good morning iether. I feel like crap.

 

I am confused and lonely. She talks alot. I talk alot. Now we talk little. What is going on????

 

UPDATE:

---------

 

She called me this morning. She said she fell asleep watching her show last night; I suppose before I texted her. I felt awkward but I just tried to keep the conversation going. We didn't talk anything personal. Just about her work. I asked how the kids were. That was it. I didn't want to put any feelings into the conversation because last few days when I have she just seems to run away. I ended the conversation with her first saying that my boss needed me and I had to go but lets talk later. She said alright. I'm thinking she might be talking with me for a couple of reasons. One is that it is her day off and it is possible she could see me today. Two, she will get her period next couple of days and its possible she might want the option of having sex before she does. Otherwise the last few days have been a communication nightmare. I'm still not sure what this means but I'm just hoping it is a return to our normal relationship state. Or it could have been the text I sent last night.

 

Opinions?

[EssexMan]

Because of the lack of communication I have become depressed and having suicidal thoughts; I cannot relax or sleep and yesterday I ate very little.

 

You are letting this get way, way out of hand and it is going to badly affect the way you relate to her, if it hasn't already.

 

She is basically positive about having a relationship with you and wants to make it work. But remember a few posts back, She said that she felt like I was "controlling" and "suffocating" her and that she needed space?

 

You need to give her that and try to have the self-discipline not to worry about it all the time. Concentrate on the good things: she likes you. She wants to be with you. She just wants to take it a little slower...that's all.

[skyecko]

She called again. That makes twice in 3 hours. That is more like the way we used to be. She is on her way to church and said she would call me when she gets out. Seems more normal than it has been for the last week. I hope this means were back to where we were. I wish my feelings weren't tied to my relationship so much. I don't know how to separate my self worth from the relationship. I'll see how the rest of the day plays out. At least she has called. Text are still not there yet, but she called! Maybe its all the texting and showing up without calling first that is causing her to feel suffocated. Maybe if I just let her contact me and I text her less than in the past things will calm down for us.

[EssexMan]

Maybe its all the texting and showing up without calling first that is causing her to feel suffocated. Maybe if I just let her contact me and I text her less than in the past things will calm down for us.

 

I think so. Just take it easy and relaxed for a while, text her if you have something to tell her and don't if you don't. Don't count the texts or the hours.

[skyecko]

So yesterday after many days of silence my girlfriend called me 3 times during the day. We talked about general things; nothing about feelings; or seeing one another; or why this or why that? I didn't mention her lack of text or calls the previous days. The conversations were fine. At one point she even said "I'm just going to see how long we can talk." - Because we do have the ability to talk it seems. Or rather, she has the ability to talk and I have the ability to listen and she mistakes that. But something is bothering me. When we started this relationship and before she went on her trip. Her texting was like clockwork. As soon as she woke up she text me first thing "Good Morning" -- And at exactly 10pm she would text me "Goodnight." -- Now she is not really doing this. We have gone several nights without saying goodnight; and sometimes she will wait until later in the morning to say good morning. There is also a huge noticeable difference in the amount of texting we do during the day. It just dropped off big time. Everything seems to have happened after her trip. I'm afraid to text her as I don't want to seem to needy. And because she said before that she felt like I was suffocating her; I don't want to take the chance to push her away (again). Yesterday she sent me a pic of her in Vegas standing next to someone wearing an Elf costume. I jokingly said "I would have to crop the Elf out of the picture" -- And she replied back "Why do you always have to be so negative? You don't know how to have fun." -- So now I am feeling like I can't be myself. And truth is I don't think that comment would have upset her before because I expressed my feelings about all kinds of things talking with her and she always let me be myself. It seems like she is taking a closer look at me to see if I am still worthy or something. I don't know if I should be concerned or not. I want up to have an open communication with her always because that is how we got together. But I need to feel that she accepts who I am 100% and is not judging me. Last night I sent her a text around 8pm saying that I was really proud of her because she had won some award. She didn't reply or say goodnight. Because of this I had difficulty sleeping last night. I tried to convince myself that she was just busy and not to take it personal. She did say she had to help her daughter study for a test and then she would go to her moms. But even this morning still no reply of any kind. I don't know if she has lost interest in me; or if she considers our relationship to be more secure and she is relaxing her efforts now. I almost feel like I am on "probation" with her; or even that she is entertaining the idea of someone else. All I know is her interaction with me seems to be dropping. And we haven't kissed; held hands; had sex since she came back from her trip. She did give me a hug. I want to go to her work and see her but I wonder if I do she will push me away and get angry that I came. Even though she was always glad to see me before. Any thoughts?