mhowe Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Try talking in person. Not text, not phone. Person. And then listen to what she has to say. Agree w/ Journeynow.....you should really just leave her alone. Completely. Link to comment
skyecko Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 I went to talk to her in person yesterday but like I said when I got there she didn't make the time for me even though she was not busy. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 You went to talk to her at work! Not a place for a heart-to-heart. So -- call her and tell her you want to meet up. Ask where. Then talk. Then leave her alone. Because...she is married, she is in process of divorce, she will need time to heal from divorce, she has 2 kids to shepherd through this. You have been dating for one month. You are not and should not be her #1 priority at this time in her life. Link to comment
skyecko Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Well she told me not to come to her house supposedly because she feels her ex-husband is watching it. So I went to her workplace because that is where we were spending time before. Now I feel like that is not going to work. So now I am left with only my house or meeting her some place she chooses. Because her schedule is more hectic than mine it seems that I have no choice but to wait on her. That puts her in control. And when she doesn't make time then I feel bad. But I figure if she REALLY wants to spend time with me she could just meet me down the street at a restaurant or even the grocery store. When she doesn't than am I not to question?? Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 You really need to get over yourself. Her plate is full. And you are pestering her. She will make time for you....when she has time. Link to comment
skyecko Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 It's alright if she is busy. I'm alright with that. As long as I feel she cares about me and WANTS to spend time with me. At this moment I don't know that. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Again, you are making this all about you --- your wants, your needs. Safe to assume, she has them too --- and it is to have some space from you. She is making plans for your vaca time --- relax. Link to comment
skyecko Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Yeah, the vacation time though sounds like activities running around stuff. Thats good. I'm not going to turn that down. But what I am really trying to find out is will she be affectionate with me if she has the opporunity? Like if we were at my place alone? 1.5 weeks ago they came over and spent the say with me on the weekend and we watched movies and cooked dinner. She laid in my arms and fell asleep. And it was the most peaceful feeling for me. I felt complete at that point. Now I almost feel like my other half is missing. But point is, I want to know where the relationship is since she said she needed space and wanted to slow down. Since she wasn't specific about what she meant; whether that included sleeping together; hugging or kissing? Or if that is now gone? My need is for affection and to give affection. Her needs are mostly? I'm not sure what they are. Time? Space? And Friendship? Relaxed communication? Just dealing with whatever she has going on and not adding any other issues to her plate? Really, seems like my only option is just be there for her. No expectations. No relationship. No feelings. Just listen and stand by her when she needs to talk. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Exactly!!! She said she needs space and to slow down....that means a step back from "relationship" status to friends right now because she has too much on her plate. She is STILL MARRIED. Relaxed communication --not worrying about texting you/calling you back w/ in two minutes. If you can just "be there" for her now, maybe you will have a future. But if you push -- she is gonna say "enough". Link to comment
skyecko Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Yeah, I spoke with two of my guy friends. One says just play it cool and don't have any expectations. Don't make myself so available. If she calls pick up sometimes or othertimes tell her you will call her back. And only text if she text you. Dont respond right away all the time but just continue to be nice with whatever conversation we do have. One thing he said is he used to be like me and it never worked for him. We came to the analogy that maybe I was spoon-feeding my girlfriend lots of attention (food) and then she throw-up (ask for space); and now she is not hungry anymore. Food makes her sick at her stomach. So she needs time to become hungry again and when she comes back to me I can give her some attention (food) but not as much as before. I know that sounds crazy but it kinda made sense to me. He said I am doing everything wrong. Everytime I try to talk feelings with her; or go to her workplace/home; etc. that it is having the opposite effect that I am wanting. That it is causing her to want to spend less time with me; and not be affectionate towards me. My other guy friend says he thinks maybe she just wants to be friends only. That maybe she enjoys the friendship side of things; doesn't want to have a relationship with me; and maybe is being this way because she doesn't want to hurt me by saying anything directly. He also says that it seems to him that she has someone else that she is seeing but I told him that I don't think she is that type of person. In guess my plan at this moment is to not contact her unless she contacts me. Don't appear to eager. And just wait until (if) vacation together to see how things go. Though she sounded to me like she was planning outside activities though I did tell her I was checking with my roomate to see if he would be out of town that week; the inference being that they could come over and stay while he was gone. But then again, I have another issue coming up with Valentines Day. Not knowing what's up I don't know whether to do buy her something like I normally would or what? I mean she would probably text me Happy Valentines Day sometime; but if she doesn't receive anything? Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Cross the Vday bridge when you get to it. Listen to friend #1. He is 100% right. There is no other guy. Two is more than she can handle right now (hubby and you). Link to comment
journeynow Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 the inference being that they could come over and stay while he was gone 1.5 weeks ago they came over and spent the say with me on the weekend Who are "they"? Does she have kids? Link to comment
skyecko Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 So my friend #1 is right about everything? I mean he has been with so many girls that it was once quoted in a magazine by his now wife that if he met one of his ex-girlfriends on the street he would'nt recognize them; funny but possibly true. Anyway, he has a very easy going personality and doesnt care one way or the other how a girl responds to him. He'll just be like cool! That's great. Maybe next time. Or just let me know. -- He doesn't care the outcome. It's because he has so many girls lined up that he doesn't need to care. I on the other hand being the romantic and loyal type don't want to play around with other girls because I feel that I want to keep my relationship special with my girlfriend; and I wouldn't want to do something I wouldn't want her to do. The other day I joked with her that I went to the club and she said that was great. I said really? She said, "Yeah, you should go; depends on who you go with." - Basically saying if it is a friend then their is no reason not to go; but implying if it was someone else then no. However she used to get jealous even if she heard my television in the background on the phone she would ask who was there. Now doesn't seem like she is jealous at all about anything. Anyway, my friend keeps telling me to do certain things and I'm worried if I take the chance that it will break my relationship; but what I'm doing isnt working iether. Last night I text my girlfriend that "I'm starting to forget what it feels like to kiss you" -- And still today no reply. And she is doing exactly what I figured she would do which is not texting or calling. I'm just going to leave her alone again and this time I will just talk to her and nothing more. No more feelings. No more going to her workplace/home. No more cards/flowers/gifts/attention. No more emails. Just mono to mono. She contact me I will reply or talk; otherwise I won't contact her. No asking her to go anyplace. Don't give her anything but what she is giving me; and even that give her less. Apparently I am coming to the conclusion that the only way to save things is to leave her alone. If she wants to talk to me she will call me. If she wants to spend time will let me know. Just let her call the shots. My only fear is that if I play along with this that our relationship will fall apart from lack of communication; or for lack of us being intimate. Or that I will be wasting my time for months only to find out later that she only wants me as a friend. I have a few concerns and nothing is clear cut. Well, I'm glad you ruled no other guy out. Link to comment
skyecko Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 Yes, she has kids. 7 and 12; girls. When things were going good between us she had talked to them and asked them if in the future we lived together would they be alright with that and they said yes. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Yes, she has kids. 7 and 12; girls. When things were going good between us she had talked to them and asked them if in the future we lived together would they be alright with that and they said yes. Isn't this a bit premature, after only dating for one month while she's still married, and not yet divorced? I think it goes without saying that she'll need time to recover and get her life back together, once her divorce is finalized. Be careful... Link to comment
journeynow Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Yes, she has kids. 7 and 12; girls. When things were going good between us she had talked to them and asked them if in the future we lived together would they be alright with that and they said yes. You've only been seeing her for a month, and she's already talking to her kids about you living together someday??? I don't take that as a good sign, actually. There are so many things about this that would make me worry. You might want to really step back and catch your breath, give yourself some perspective on the situation, think about things instead of just going on the romance of your earlier meetings. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 However she used to get jealous even if she heard my television in the background on the phone she would ask who was there. Now doesn't seem like she is jealous at all about anything. You could take that as a good sign. Apparently I am coming to the conclusion that the only way to save things is to leave her alone. If she wants to talk to me she will call me. If she wants to spend time will let me know. Just let her call the shots. My only fear is that if I play along with this that our relationship will fall apart from lack of communication; or for lack of us being intimate. Why not do it for a while and see what happens. There's no need to make permanent decisions right now. Link to comment
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