I'm a bad person

[MattW]

Do you think your coworkers might be picking up on the fact that you are so analytical and strategising about getting to know them? That could put some people off.

 

I doubt it. I don't see how they could.

[happpybear]

work is for work.

 

don't look for meaningful friendships where you work, these people were already all up in your personal life and helped to make a mess of it, what makes you think they won't do it again? the situation is soiled, so be friendly, but not friends outside of work. join a sports league or club, and take a look at link removed. separate your professional life from your personal life, otherwise you risk looking unprofessional at your job which will come back to bite you when you look for a reference or try for a promotion.

[blueidealist24]

Yeah, I think you need to go elsewhere in search of friends. Even if those people were to invite you out again, I'm not sure if they're really the best friends for you after all this happened.

[Angler]

Eh, well, no offense, but the whole Facebook discussion is largely irrelevant. The bigger issue here is that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes and become a better person because of it. But I never do that. I just keep making the same ones over and over and over again.

 

Do you not see the irony of those two consecutive sentences? Someone tells you to stop making a mistake, then you say it's irrelevant, and then you complain about making the same mistakes...

 

You're reminding me of another poster here who asks for advice, gets the same advice over and over ad nauseum, and patently dismisses it every single time because we don't understand his situation...I am sure you know who I am talking about.

[MattW]

Do you not see the irony of those two consecutive sentences? Someone tells you to stop making a mistake, then you say it's irrelevant, and then you complain about making the same mistakes...

 

Well, I meant that I felt the general discussion about Facebook was a moot point. It was never a factor when I made said mistakes in the past (though I've only been on it for a couple years), and if nobody knew about that one thing going on in my life, they never would've read into my Facebook posts to begin with. Basically, I don't view the Facebook stuff as the mistake, per se, I simply view Facebook as one of the "vehicles" through which I made my mistakes by.

 

You're reminding me of another poster here who asks for advice, gets the same advice over and over ad nauseum, and patently dismisses it every single time because we don't understand his situation...I am sure you know who I am talking about.

 

I don't know who you're talking about. Are you sure you're just not thinking of me, and thinking I'm a different poster?

[blueidealist24]

No, there is another poster who repeatedly asks for life advice (mostly related to career, but sometimes related to dating) and then goes through the same pattern of circular reasoning about it in every post. Another male.

 

Actually, there are two I can think of.. the other one is a guy too, and he makes pretty much the same post about women every few weeks and people tell him the same things.

[MattW]

Ah. Well, I don't know about them, but I think the reason I'm this way is because I don't learn from anything. No matter what I go through, no matter how bad I feel, no matter what anyone tells me, I just don't learn.

 

I think, in a way, that's the real reason I can't ever seem to motivate myself to go out and meet new people on my own, because I feel that, once I decide I "like" someone (whether in a platonic or "romantic" way), I believe it's an inevitability that I'm going to screw it up one way or another. Basically, to me, it's not a matter of "if", it's a matter of "when"/ "how".

[Slimpee]

Matt,

 

I think you need to go to a therapist, if you can. If you can't afford one, maybe a local college has free counseling, or churches.

 

I say this because you seem to be extremely fixated on women and my guess it's because you have some sort of underlying issue. You consistently say the same types of things, tell everyone that you just can't change, and then wonder why you do the same things over and over. You need to change something but you actively resist it by saying that you can't change your mindset.

 

Moreover, it seems like you need to stop obsessing about women in general. People can smell desperation from a million miles away.

 

Also, facebook tip: EVERYONE knows that vague, passive aggressive/depressing posts are about another person. And anyone who knows the situation with the girl at work (ie your work friends) would guess it was about her right away. It doesn't take a genius. And what if you started dating someone else and she saw those statuses? What would she think? For one, i would almost certainly stop dating a girl who posted those types of things. Project your best possible self on FB...it's the world's window into your life; what do you want it to see?

[Wonderstruck]

ALL OF THIS. I couldn't agree more.

 

Also, I just want to add that there's nothing less attractive than whiny, emo, love-sick, mopey guys. Oh, and complete desperation. You might want to keep that in mind in the future.

[Capricorn3]

I agree this this 100%!!! This post pretty much covers it all. Nothing more needs to be said. When one does the same thing over and over and over again, claiming one cannot change (which is a HUGE cop out), then you cannot expect things to change for the better. It is one excuse after another and no matter how much excellent advice has been given, there is ALWAYS yet another excuse as to why it can't be done.

 

Look deep within and be honest with yourself. YOU CHOOSE to take this path. Your life will remain the SAME.

 

I too strongly recommend therapy. That is the only thing left to do.

[MattW]

Let me ask this, though. If I don't "learn" anything from my constant mistakes, bad cycles, and everything people on here tell me, how do I know therapy would actually be of any help? I'm not trying to "cop out", but nothing else has phased me in a meaningful way, what would make therapy any different? The truth is, I'm also scared, because you guys say therapy is the only remaining option; so what if I try it, and it, too, does nothing? Then I have no options left?

[camus154]

Let me ask this, though. If I don't "learn" anything from my constant mistakes, bad cycles, and everything people on here tell me, how do I know therapy would actually be of any help? I'm not trying to "cop out", but nothing else has phased me in a meaningful way, what would make therapy any different? The truth is, I'm also scared, because you guys say therapy is the only remaining option; so what if I try it, and it, too, does nothing? Then I have no options left?

 

Then you'll be right back where you are now.

[Slimpee]

Let me ask this, though. If I don't "learn" anything from my constant mistakes, bad cycles, and everything people on here tell me, how do I know therapy would actually be of any help? I'm not trying to "cop out", but nothing else has phased me in a meaningful way, what would make therapy any different? The truth is, I'm also scared, because you guys say therapy is the only remaining option; so what if I try it, and it, too, does nothing? Then I have no options left?

 

It's not the "only" remaining option. It's just perhaps the most valuable. You're clearly spinning your wheels over and over and over and over. You're clearly not the best therapist for yourself.

 

Again with the challenging of suggestions. For everything someone suggests, you have a negative response. You posted in another thread that you expect failure before you even start. That statement is indicative of the type of deep-seated issue that is probably best discussed with a professional.

 

Furthermore, what's more dangerous (and crazy), utilizing professional help or continuing on doing the same thing over and over and over and over?

 

Change is often uncomfortable and scary but rarely do you find someone who takes a risk and regrets it, regardless of the outcome...

[Wonderstruck]

Let me ask this, though. If I don't "learn" anything from my constant mistakes, bad cycles, and everything people on here tell me, how do I know therapy would actually be of any help? I'm not trying to "cop out", but nothing else has phased me in a meaningful way, what would make therapy any different? The truth is, I'm also scared, because you guys say therapy is the only remaining option; so what if I try it, and it, too, does nothing? Then I have no options left?

 

So, that's a reason to not even TRY it? Because it MIGHT not work? That doesn't make any sense at all.

 

I can't follow your logic here - you DON'T want to try therapy, because it might not work, and then you'd have no options left...but if you don't try it at all, it's the exact same as if you had tried it and it didn't work.

 

Do you just want to avoid trying it so that you can have it dangling as a possible option in the future, and you can console yourself that you're not entirely out of options yet?

 

Again, your logic makes absolutely NO sense to me.

[MattW]

So, that's a reason to not even TRY it? Because it MIGHT not work? That doesn't make any sense at all.

 

I can't follow your logic here - you DON'T want to try therapy, because it might not work, and then you'd have no options left...but if you don't try it at all, it's the exact same as if you had tried it and it didn't work.

 

Do you just want to avoid trying it so that you can have it dangling as a possible option in the future, and you can console yourself that you're not entirely out of options yet?

 

Again, your logic makes absolutely NO sense to me.

 

I'm not saying I'm against it, and I'm not saying I'm never going to do it. I'm simply asking, should I do it and it doesn't work, then what? Where do I go from there? What will my option(s) be at that point?

[camus154]

I'm not saying I'm against it, and I'm not saying I'm never going to do it. I'm simply asking, should I do it and it doesn't work, then what? Where do I go from there? What will my option(s) be at that point?

 

Wherever you want to go and whatever options you think are available to you.

[blueidealist24]

If therapy doesn't work with the first therapist, you can try a different therapist with different techniques. I know people who have gone through two or three therapists until they find one that helps them.

[Angler]

No, there is another poster who repeatedly asks for life advice (mostly related to career, but sometimes related to dating) and then goes through the same pattern of circular reasoning about it in every post. Another male.

 

Actually, there are two I can think of.. the other one is a guy too, and he makes pretty much the same post about women every few weeks and people tell him the same things.

 

Ok, I guess there are three other that fit the bill! The one I was referring to operates out of Colorado, asks the same questions, gets the same advice, refuses it because he is right and we are wrong, and then he continues on his way with the same problems over and over and over again.

 

OP - you seem like a nice guy that's fallen prey to all the classic hopeless-guy tactics. Don't be ashamed - we all have, believe me. Take some time off from girls. You're 24, you have tons of time.

 

Change something. Anything. Do something for yourself to improve yourself, with purely selfish motives. No one is going to value you and your time until you do.

 

Start walking/jogging

Change the way you eat.

Join a house-league sport.

Take a night school course.

Join a gym.

Study your budget, do some research and make some investments, no matter how small they add up.

 

If you can find something you like, and do it successfully, that confidence and self-assuredness will spill over into other areas of your life.

[MattW]

OP - you seem like a nice guy that's fallen prey to all the classic hopeless-guy tactics. Don't be ashamed - we all have, believe me. Take some time off from girls. You're 24, you have tons of time.

 

Heh. I guess I see what you're saying, but to be fair, I've never really had any "time on" with girls to begin with. Over the last eight years, if you take all the time I've spent pursuing a particular girl, and lamenting over not being able to date her, that would total up to maybe about a year, year-and-a-half. For the other 6.5-7 years, I never even saw dating as an option for myself, even though I wished otherwise. Currently, I'm falling back into the mindset, that it's not an option (and I'm kinda grouping "having friends/ a social life" in there, too).

 

Honestly, I don't think it's possible for me to "like" someone (as friends or as a potential date) and not eventually mess things up one way or another. For the most part, the idea of socializing and dating seems pointless to me, because if I actually find people I like, it's more or less a guarantee that I'll eventually allow myself to say or do something that will turn them away. It's always just a matter of time.

 

Change something. Anything. Do something for yourself to improve yourself, with purely selfish motives. No one is going to value you and your time until you do.

 

The thing about that is, in order for me to really stick to something, I have to be on board with it, and it never really seems like there's much that I can get on board with. There have been a few times over the years, for instance, where I said to myself "Maybe I should try eating better/ getting in better shape, just for the hell of it", but I always ended up giving up fairly quickly because I just didn't actually care about those things enough (I'm not particularly unhappy with my weight, shape, or eating habits). I know, you guys are probably going to yell at me that I'm "making excuses" again, but I'm just not good at sticking with new things if there's no tangible motivation that means enough to me to do so. Angler says "Do something for yourself with purely selfish motivations", but in order to do that, there has to be something I want badly enough to be "selfish" about, and there's really nothing like that.

[Angler]

In summary:

 

You want your situation to change, but you don't want to change anything about your situation.

 

Accurate?

[Slimpee]

No motivation!?! Every one of your posts should be motivation!

[MattW]

In summary:

 

You want your situation to change, but you don't want to change anything about your situation.

 

Accurate?

 

It's not so much that I'm "unwilling" to change anything for myself, it's more a matter of me not knowing what I want to really work on or change. Like I said, there's nothing that I'm unhappy with enough (aside from my lack of social life) to really give me a push. If I were truly unhappy with my physical health/ fitness, for example, I'd be more interested in and motivated to working on that. But I'm not particularly unhappy with it, so I don't feel motivated enough to work on it. Does that make sense? I'm fairly content with a lot of things, there just isn't really anything I can think of that I REALLY want to work on.

[camus154]

I'm fairly content with a lot of things, there just isn't really anything I can think of that I REALLY want to work on.

 

Fantastic! Then please stop creating threads here in the forums, because clearly there is no problem to begin with.

[MattW]

Fantastic! Then please stop creating threads here in the forums, because clearly there is no problem to begin with.

 

Well... But... I mean, I'm still unhappy about the lack of people in my life, and the way I always ruin things and push people away when I do find them.

[LoveSoDeep]

It's not so much that I'm "unwilling" to change anything for myself, it's more a matter of me not knowing what I want to really work on or change. Like I said, there's nothing that I'm unhappy with enough (aside from my lack of social life) to really give me a push. If I were truly unhappy with my physical health/ fitness, for example, I'd be more interested in and motivated to working on that. But I'm not particularly unhappy with it, so I don't feel motivated enough to work on it. Does that make sense? I'm fairly content with a lot of things, there just isn't really anything I can think of that I REALLY want to work on.

 

it sounds like you do seethe value in making a chancge you just don;t know what appeals to you...okay that's a fair you're young. My advice is you won't know until you try you have to just get out there and try new things....totally crazy things just in case you really liek them...take a painting class a pottery class or a cooking class, try wine tasting, try a new sport...any sport...try acting singing or perfoming of some kind....just TRY eventually you'll try something and it'll just click and you'll realize that is your passion....hmm strangely it's much like dating....stop making excuses for not trying it;s just one night it's just giving it a shot if it doesn't work for you move on to the next thing.

 

A friend of mine is turning 30 she made a list of 30 new things she's going to do this year...you're turning 25 this year (I presume) so what about making a list of 25 things you are going to try? They don't have to be big life changing things.