I'm a bad person

[beatlesfan123]

Hey dude, I haven't read the entire thread but feel I can chip in and can definitely relate to what you're saying.

 

Up to the age of 22 I was pretty much the same. Fell for girls very quickly regardless if they showed interest or not but the result was always the same - I'd scare them off and make them feel guilty for whatever reason, send myself into a spiral about a lost opportunity or for the fact that I was too desperate, hate the world for allowing guys who treated girls horribly to get the girl, the girl that I would treat like queen of the world...

 

Then I just stopped caring. Having constant companionship and approval from a woman, having lots of sex, being seen as cool all became insignificant. The excitement you generate in your head over the fantasy that you will one day have the girl you pine for is better placed elsewhere. After 10+ years of walking into a brick wall when it came to girls I liked and countless conversations with friends giving me different advice (none of which amounted to any long-term success) I decided there was more to life. I became excited about what I was doing with my life, what my future held and planned all this cool stuff I could be doing while travelling while recording music and spending as much time as I could having fun with friends.

 

Then the impossible happened. Having developed a friendship with a girl I considered the most beautiful girl I never in a million years dreamed could be mine... I ended up with. Even now I wonder - just what the hell did I do? And the answer is... nothing. I didn't pine after her, I didn't treat her like the queen she was used to being treated as. I was just myself and I didn't sit there wondering "oh ****, did she notice me looking at her, did I just say something stupid, ahh what do I do what do I say" etc etc I just showed interest, acted normal... the important thing was when I got home I didn't sit around making up plans in my head or making up potential conversations we could have the next time I saw her. I got on with my life!!!

 

The simple advice you get on these forums are the easiest to understand yet hardest to follow. If someone tells you to be nonchelant it's impossible to act. If you're nervous on the inside it's just going to show. All I can suggest is look elsewhere for that inner happiness and I swear the girls will follow. Again, when people say "you only find love when you're not looking for it" there's a lot of truth in that. From hitting puberty to being 22 years old I had a few encounters on the way but nothing to brag about, no meaningful relationships... I didn't give up, I just shifted my attention elsewhere. 3 months later I engaged in the craziest relationship ever. Sure I wasn't ready for it and it didn't lead to happy ever after but I got some priceless memories and some important experience to carry forward.

 

Don't think you're a bad person, you're just a little desperate. There's time to change that, 24 is not too old.

 

Oh and the reason I replied is that I was "that guy" you know, always the friend never the boyfriend, always making girls feeling guilty when they rejected me, trying to prove that I was worth being with them. You know what happened? Now they're doing the chasing. Do I think in my head "oh my god this amazing incredible girls likes me!!!!!" hell no. I'm not that horny 15 year old anymore (well I guess every adult man has a slight horny 15 year old complex about them I'm just a bit better at playing the game)

[Slimpee]

This is exactly right, I feel. Read closely, OP!

[MattW]

See, though, at about age 19, I stopped thinking about dating and all that stuff, to begin with. I felt it was never going to happen, so I told myself that I just wouldn't bother giving it any thought, and instead, I'd focus on college, and indulging in my hobbies, and basically living in my own little world. For the next 4-5 years after that, nothing happened. I didn't meet people, and I certainly wasn't catching anyone's attention.

 

I think with this last girl I was into, I didn't start making poor decisions until after she had turned me down. When we started "hitting it off" at work, I wasn't really thinking about it in a romantic way, I wasn't getting crazy or overthinking things. She and I would just talk about everything, and joke around, and have such a good time together. I've never hit it off with anyone that way, and I was never concerned with having anyone's "approval", or being "cool". But I valued her companionship in a way I've never valued someone's companionship, and I felt like she valued me that way, too. That was the feeling I now miss, and the feeling I so desire -- that mutual feeling of "value".

 

But, after she turned me down, I lost my head a bit. Part of me stupidly thought that maybe if I stayed fun and flirty with her, I could eventually win her over and change her mind, while part of me just really wanted to have a good friendship with her, even outside of work. Because of this "conflict of interest", I made bad choices, and now things have become very strained between me and her.

 

It's hard for me, when I work shifts with her, because she used to want to spend time with me, and she even used to look at me a certain way. Now she spends a majority of the time being super chummy with this older, sexually charged manager of ours. She gets along with him, and looks at him, the way she used to to me. Meanwhile, she and I now only ever make some basic chitchat and share a little joke every now and then, and that's it.

 

I'm not so much hung up on her specifically anymore, but I just really miss that feeling, that feeling of "mutual value", that we used to have. That's what I want, and that's what I wish I could find. I feel like that's just not possible for me, though, because either A) once a girl finds out how I really feel, she'll pull away from me, or B) some other guy will catch her attention and she'll gravitate more towards him over me. Or a combination of both, like what happened with this last girl.

 

Again, for the last 4-5 years, I haven't put much thought into girls, or dating. But these last few months have really opened up that "wound" a bit, and I can't stop feeling lonely, and wishing I had someone in my life. I'm sure by the time this coming summer rolls around, I'll have bottled up all these thoughts and feelings about dating again, and I'll be back to just floating along, finishing my education, and keeping myself entertained with little hobbies. I just hate to think that it could be another 4-5 years before I find someone else to take a shot with, and even then, I'll probably screw that one up, as well.

[EssexMan]

I'm not so much hung up on her specifically anymore, but I just really miss that feeling, that feeling of "mutual value", that we used to have.

 

I'm not sure it's possible to miss feelings in the abstract. Sounds to me like you are a bit hung up on the memory of her. As in...

 

That's what I want, and that's what I wish I could find. I feel like that's just not possible for me, though, because either A) once a girl finds out how I really feel, she'll pull away from me, or B) some other guy will catch her attention and she'll gravitate more towards him over me. Or a combination of both, like what happened with this last girl.

 

I just hate to think that it could be another 4-5 years before I find someone else to take a shot with

 

Maybe you shouldn't think it, then? There's no reason to believe this is working on any kind of four-to-five-year schedule, except that if you are determined to impose it, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[MattW]

I'm not sure it's possible to miss feelings in the abstract. Sounds to me like you are a bit hung up on the memory of her.

 

I just mean, it felt so nice to feel like someone enjoyed and appreciated my companionship as much as I enjoyed and appreciated theirs. Yanno? It was a very nice feeling, and it was one that I had never felt before.

 

Maybe you shouldn't think it, then? There's no reason to believe this is working on any kind of four-to-five-year schedule, except that if you are determined to impose it, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

*shrug* The last time I liked a girl enough to pursue her was about 4-5 years ago, and I couldn't make that happen either. That was actually the catalyst that caused me to close myself off from the idea of dating, and focus on me and me alone. Similarly, after this last debacle with this recent girl, I'm slowly inching my way back to closing myself off from the idea of dating to go back to focusing on me and me alone again.

 

Will it be another 4-5 years? Who knows? Honestly, I don't see any prospects for myself in the near future. I'll probably still be working the same crummy retail job well into the summer, possibly for at least another year, and now that my friendship with my coworkers is in serious doubt, I don't expect I'll be getting out much or having much of an active social life any time in the near future. So, the odds of me "meeting" another girl I hit it off with in the next 6-12 months seem slim at best.

[EssexMan]

I just mean, it felt so nice to feel like someone enjoyed and appreciated my companionship as much as I enjoyed and appreciated theirs. Yanno? It was a very nice feeling, and it was one that I had never felt before.

 

OK, understood.

 

Honestly, I don't see any prospects for myself in the near future.

 

You're spending a lot of time and energy predicting a dismal future for yourself

 

So, forgetting about all of that, what would actually make you happy right now? Winning the lottery? Writing the great American novel? Kicking sand in the face of nine-stone weaklings? Bedding a supermodel? Getting a scholarship to Harvard?

[MattW]

So, forgetting about all of that, what would actually make you happy right now? Winning the lottery? Writing the great American novel? Kicking sand in the face of nine-stone weaklings? Bedding a supermodel? Getting a scholarship to Harvard?

 

I don't really know. The only thing I really "want" is to have people in my life to go places with and do things with, I'd like to be going out and/ or doing stuff with people on the weekends or whenever time permits. I don't have much desire to go out to places alone and hope that I *might* meet people and make friends.

 

Other than that, I want to finish school (which is going to take some time), I want to get a new, better job (which isn't really very likely until I finish school), I want to move out of my parents' house into my own apartment (I need a better income to be able to afford the costs of living on my own). There's a certain little hobby I'd like to pursue, but I'd have to invest a bit of money into getting it started, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to commit to it enough to make it worth the cash; not to mention, it's not a hobby that would be conducive at all to getting me out in the world and meeting people, so that wouldn't help me much in that aspect.

[EssexMan]

Other than that, I want to finish school (which is going to take some time), I want to get a new, better job (which isn't really very likely until I finish school), I want to move out of my parents' house into my own apartment (I need a better income to be able to afford the costs of living on my own).

 

So all that hinges, really, on finishing school. (To get a better job, and a place of your own.)

 

There's a certain little hobby I'd like to pursue, but I'd have to invest a bit of money into getting it started, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to commit to it enough to make it worth the cash; not to mention, it's not a hobby that would be conducive at all to getting me out in the world and meeting people, so that wouldn't help me much in that aspect.

 

Heh. Whatever it is, there are other people into it. What is it?

[MattW]

So all that hinges, really, on finishing school. (To get a better job, and a place of your own.)

 

More or less, I guess.

 

Heh. Whatever it is, there are other people into it. What is it?

 

Heh, well, I didn't mean to make it sound weird or mysterious. I'm into gaming, and I'm into audio/ video editing. I'm a big fan of the work of a company called Achievement Hunter, in which they record themselves playing games, having a good time, and often being pretty funny. Actually, it's sort of a pipe dream of mine to maybe get noticed by them and one day work there. They've made it known many times in the past that, when looking for new people to hire, they mostly look at content produced, and consistency of content. So, I've been pondering on maybe investing in some recording equipment, recording some stuff, and uploading it to the Internet. Not necessarily JUST to "get noticed" by any particular company, but because I think it could be a fun thing to do. But, again, it's not something that would get me out in the world meeting people. At best, I would just be getting some attention from random users on YouTube, or whatever site I upload to.

[EssexMan]

But, again, it's not something that would get me out in the world meeting people.

 

I wouldn't be so sure. I used to be a very active Wikipedia editor, about the most solitary pursuit imaginable, and even they have regular meet-ups (I never went to one but that's beside the point). I bet if you got into this it would lead to things that could lead to you meeting people.

 

Plus, it might help on the job front, and it might make you feel better about life to be doing something new and absorbing.

[blueidealist24]

I think you should get the recording equipment and do that stuff, especially since you seem pretty bored with everything else right now. EssexMan is right - it could help on the job front; maybe the company you mentioned will even be interested in it. You never know.

[Angler]

There we go! An interest!

 

Go at it full steam!