I'm a bad person

[MattW]

Just basically venting, here, and pretty much reposting what I just wrote in another topic that's less likely to get any views. Today, I had a big conversation with this girl that I was pretty head over heels for for a while, pursued, and got turned down by months ago. The reason for the conversation was because things had gotten weird, and other people had gotten involved along the way. She and I made peace, but she ultimately decided that times we have to see/ talk to each other, we can't be friends. I'm a bit disappointed with that, but I'm okay in the sense that I'm done thinking about her, specifically.

 

I am, however, very very upset, and I'm spiraling downwards. Somewhere during our conversation, she said that she didn't think I was a "bad person", and maybe she meant that or maybe she was just saying that. But the more I've been thinking about it, the more I, myself, have started to believe that I am, indeed, a "bad person". I made such a mess of this situation... I got overly attached to this girl, and I made bad decisions because of it. I let other people get involved, and all that did was cause trouble. Things got so bad that we actually had to have a conversation about all of this. And worst of all, things got so bad that, regardless of me owning up to my mistakes, apologizing, and trying to make things right, she still doesn't feel comfortable enough towards me to allow me into her life on even a platonic level.

 

The problem is, I've made these mistakes before, in the past. Clearly, I didn't learn from them then, and most likely, I won't learn from them now. I'll get trapped in the same cycle I always trap myself in: meet someone (or people) I like a lot -> get overly attached -> make a big mess of things -> push everyone away because of it -> feel sad, ashamed, and alienated -> close myself off from the rest of the world, until the cycle begins again. I'll just keep making the same mistakes until I die a sad lonely old man, with no one in his life.

 

This has also massively exacerbated the trust issues I've had with people, in general. Throughout the situation with this girl, a handful of others found out, and while I was reluctant, they seemed to want to be supportive and helpful, and wanted to help me be okay. I stupidly fell in the trap, and one or more of them apparently went behind my back, blew a bunch of stuff I said way out of proportion, and caused all kinds of trouble. I just don't understand. I never do anything to anybody, and worst case scenario, I was a lovesick dope feeling sad because the girl I liked didn't like me back. How could anyone vilify me and hurt me so badly? How the heck can I even have friends when I clearly can't even trust anyone? What the heck did I do to deserve that?

 

I want so badly to have that human companionship, but I think the writing is on the wall, and that I'm just not fit to have that human companionship. I'm weak, I'm pathetic, I make the same mistakes over and over again, I never learn from them, I make big messes of things, I cause problems, I push people away... I'm a bad person. I don't deserve friends, I certainly don't deserve a lady in my life. I don't deserve anyone.

 

I don't know where I go from here. I don't know where I CAN go from here. I just don't learn. That's why I'm 24 and completely alone. That's why I'll likely be completely alone my entire life. I don't learn.

[blueidealist24]

What exactly did they blow out of proportion and tell her? Did they tell her you were crazily obsessed with her or something?

[MattW]

I have no idea. She didn't say who had said anything, or what they said. She said that "everyone" knew, and that "everyone" was saying stuff. To my knowledge, only three people knew for sure. From the sounds of it, a lot of it had to do with stuff I had written on Facebook (which she doesn't use, so she's heard from other people things I've written). The odd thing is, while I did vent a lot about my various feelings and thoughts about her on Facebook, I was always extremely vague and I always wrote things that could pretty much be applied to anything. I mean, yeah, they were mostly about her, but I never actually mentioned her, and again, a vast majority of the stuff I wrote was so vague that it could've applied to things completely unrelated to dating, girls, etc. Even then, it was never anything "angry", "aggressive", or anything that made it sound like I was going to actually do anything.

 

After I had apologized and made peace with her, she gave me a heads up that management had been made aware of the situation, though she implied it wasn't her that made them aware. I don't know what, if anything, is actually going to come of that, but that irritates me more, when it comes to the other people, because I never said anything (on Facebook or in person to anyone that knew about it) to suggest that I was actually going to do anything more. So, someone pretty much reported me for being sad about liking a girl that didn't like me back and very vaguely being sad about it on Facebook. How much do you have to hate someone to try to get them in trouble at work over something as silly as that? I mean, I know "sexual harassment" is broad enough that this can fall into it, but that's such a low thing to do. I could see if I were going around telling people that I was highly considering doing something, but I never once gave anyone any reason to believe that I was actively trying to pursue her still.

[blueidealist24]

Wow, someone told management? I doubt anything will actually come of THAT though if you didn't specifically mention her, and none of the stuff was threatening. From your posts on here I wouldn't think of you as a likely candidate for sexual harassment, especially since you said yourself you rarely even touch people.

[memento]

Stop using facebook for one.. Don't use facebook,twitter or anything.. It only causes trouble.

[MattW]

Stop using facebook for one.. Don't use facebook,twitter or anything.. It only causes trouble.

 

Perhaps, but I have no other way to keep in touch with people, otherwise. It's a whole other topic that's not worth going through again, but I've never been good at having an active social life, and I never traded numbers or anything with most people I've known, so Facebook is kinda the only way to keep in touch with what's going on with everyone, and whatnot.

[blueidealist24]

I stopped posting anything really PERSONAL on my facebook awhile, and now only post really superficial things, because posting personal or emotional stuff got me laughed at or gossiped about.

[memento]

exactly what blueidealist24 said!

 

Don't post personal things.. your friends probably read it and thought you were losing it.. That's one way to scare off a girl!!. Two reasons I think you went overboard on posting was she found out about it, and someone mentioned it to management.. If you have the urge to post, post something light hearted. I would delete that stuff from your wall and move on and never mention it again...

[MattW]

Eh, well, no offense, but the whole Facebook discussion is largely irrelevant. The bigger issue here is that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes and become a better person because of it. But I never do that. I just keep making the same ones over and over and over again. Heck, last time I made these mistakes, I felt horrible, and I promised I'd learn from them and never make them again. And fast forward to now, and shocker, that's exactly what I did, made the same mistakes all over again. I'd like to tell myself now that I'll learn from this experience, and that, if there's ever a "next time", I'll do things better. But deep down, I know that's not true. I know that if there's ever a "next time", I'll just end up making the same mistakes and history will repeat itself. I never become a "better person". That's what makes me a "bad person"; not because I'm "evil" or have malicious intent, but because I just can't ever become better.

 

As far as work goes, honestly, I'm kinda hoping I do receive some kind of punishment. That would only be fair. Regardless of how hurt I am that other people are doing this to me, it is all my fault. If it weren't for me, none of this would've happened at all. I made a huge mess, I let other people get involved, I embarrassed myself and I embarrassed this girl, and I don't deserve to "get away" with that. I deserve to be held accountable. Of course, I won't actually learn anything from it, so I guess it doesn't matter one way or another.

[blueidealist24]

How do you know you won't learn next time? Maybe the consequences of this were so bad/embarrassing that next time your mind tries to become obsessed with a girl, you'll "check yourself before you wreck yourself." I honestly don't think you deserve to be PUNISHED, I think you want to be punished because you think that might drive the point home that you can't act like this anymore, but this really wasn't a work issue, the girl just happened to be from your work.

[memento]

MattW, guys embarrass themselves every day.. I would just think to myself, don't get obsessed... you just let yourself get too involved.. Try changing your mindset the next time you start crashing on a girl.. It's going to take practice.

[MattW]

How do you know you won't learn next time? Maybe the consequences of this were so bad/embarrassing that next time your mind tries to become obsessed with a girl, you'll "check yourself before you wreck yourself."

 

Well, because like I said, I've made very similar mistakes in the past (not at work, but with people in general). I was embarrassed, ashamed, and mad at myself back then, but clearly that didn't stop me from doing the same things all over again now. Why would this time be any different?

[blueidealist24]

Well, because like I said, I've made very similar mistakes in the past (not at work, but with people in general). I was embarrassed, ashamed, and mad at myself back then, but clearly that didn't stop me from doing the same things all over again now. Why would this time be any different?

 

Hmm.. well. are you more embarrassed and ashamed this time than the other times? Or about the same?

 

Maybe you should avoid any romantic entanglement whatsoever with coworkers from now on. I know this is "just" a retail store but in the future when you have a career something like this could end up being really detrimental. Not necessarily that you'd be punished but just the awkwardness of interacting with people after.. in this situation it isn't SO bad because the girl will probably quit the job after finishing school.

[MattW]

Hmm.. well. are you more embarrassed and ashamed this time than the other times? Or about the same?

 

I don't know, about the same, really. It doesn't really vary at all, when dealing with a situation like this, yanno?

[ExcitedtoSleep]

At a certain point, you can't just keep asking yourself if you will change. Do some thinking. Then, when you are getting back into a relationship again, do more thinking. There isn't really much more to say.

[happpybear]

This has also massively exacerbated the trust issues I've had with people, in general. Throughout the situation with this girl, a handful of others found out, and while I was reluctant, they seemed to want to be supportive and helpful, and wanted to help me be okay. I stupidly fell in the trap, and one or more of them apparently went behind my back, blew a bunch of stuff I said way out of proportion, and caused all kinds of trouble. I just don't understand. I never do anything to anybody, and worst case scenario, I was a lovesick dope feeling sad because the girl I liked didn't like me back. How could anyone vilify me and hurt me so badly? How the heck can I even have friends when I clearly can't even trust anyone? What the heck did I do to deserve that?

 

These people pretended to care about your feelings to get you to open up and then used that info to slander you behind your back. It sucks, i have had it done to me too at work but it is WRONG. You can go to management with this too, you know that right? because gossip and slander is a form of harrassement.

 

Also, people sense weakness in others, it is like pack mentality, one person picks up on some info and the others join in, all you can do is act like you don't give a damn, but never forget that these people can't be trusted going forward. next time don't be the "lovesick dope" or any kind of "dope" around anyone you work with and people won't try to exploit it.

 

also, you ust have to resolve to stop the cycle, DON"T let yourself do these things again if it isn't working for you. it is self-control.

[MattW]

also, you ust have to resolve to stop the cycle, DON"T let yourself do these things again if it isn't working for you. it is self-control.

 

The sad thing is, over the last several months, I was aware enough to see myself about to make the same mistakes I've made in the past, and I told myself I wouldn't do it this time, yet I made them anyway. The bad decisions, the poor choices, I made them all over again, and ended up in the same spot. I knew I was heading down a bad road, and I wanted to be better, but I made the same mistakes anyway.

[EssexMan]

The sad thing is, over the last several months, I was aware enough to see myself about to make the same mistakes I've made in the past, and I told myself I wouldn't do it this time, yet I made them anyway.

 

Why couldn't you, or didn't you, stop yourself doing that?

[MattW]

Why couldn't you, or didn't you, stop yourself doing that?

 

I don't know. I saw what I was doing, I remembered the many times I've made these mistakes before, I told myself not to do it again, then when it actually came time to make decisions, it all just went out the window, and I was doing it all over again.

[Wonderstruck]

You're making excuses so that you don't have to take responsibility for making concrete positive changes in your life.

 

Writing yourself off as a "bad person" who will inevitably make the same mistakes over and over, no matter what, is just a way for you to avoid having to FORCE yourself to drastically change the way that you approach situations.

 

You're a grown man, and you're perfectly capable of changing your behaviour and mindset at any point. There is nothing standing in your way, except for your own passiveness and unwillingness to believe that you're capable of change.

 

You're making it sound extraordinarily difficult and insurmountable, but it's really not. You say that you should learn from your mistakes, but you never do. Well...this time, LEARN FROM THEM. Whatever you did this time that you regret doing, that made the situation uncomfortable and unpleasant, simply avoid doing next time.

 

Like somebody else suggested, come back and re-read these posts if you need to remind yourself of when you might be in danger of making the same mistakes again. When you feel yourself losing control and falling into the same obsessive behaviour and extreme emotional attachment, stop, take a breath, and force yourself to pull back and take a different approach. Remind yourself of past experiences, and how you don't want to repeat them again - then avoid repeating the same actions that lead to those unfortunate outcomes.

 

Also, you're feeling so hard done by by your co-workers, but I have to ask - what kind of stuff DID you write on your facebook about this girl? No matter how supposedly "vague" and "harmless" it was, it sounds like it was extremely obvious what you were referring to. Also, if you had already confided in these co-workers about the situation, OF COURSE they're going to recognize what your emo statuses were really about. It's not hard to piece these things together, especially if you had A LOT of statuses about this girl, which it sounds like you did. And really, why, knowing that these people work with this girl and were aware of your feelings for her, would you constantly update your facebook with statuses about your lovesick, mopey feelings for her? You're just begging for trouble there.

 

You come accross as VERY obsessive in your posts on this forum, so maybe your co-workers felt that your numerous lovesick statuses about the SAME GIRL were obsessive in a scary way, and it made them uncomfortable, and they felt that they had to take action. I don't agree that they were all malicious jerks who were out to get you. You need to take responsibility for your own behaviour. Posting obsessively about a girl that you work with on facebook, when you have mutual co-workers on your friends list, is immature and irresponsible. Let that be one of the lessons that you take away from this situation. Stop blaming others for your own mis-steps.

 

Man up and take responsibility for bringing this situation on yourself.

[MattW]

You're making it sound extraordinarily difficult and insurmountable, but it's really not. You say that you should learn from your mistakes, but you never do. Well...this time, LEARN FROM THEM. Whatever you did this time that you regret doing, that made the situation uncomfortable and unpleasant, simply avoid doing next time.

 

Problem is, I mostly regret having fallen for this girl in the first place. I mean, I know I made bad decisions after that point, but what I wish most is that I could undo the feelings I had for her, and the fact that I asked her out to begin with. Then, I never would've made said bad decisions at all. Of course, then the solution would be to no longer fall for, ask out, or generally get close to anyone at all.

 

 

Also, you're feeling so hard done by by your co-workers, but I have to ask - what kind of stuff DID you write on your facebook about this girl? No matter how supposedly "vague" and "harmless" it was, it sounds like it was extremely obvious what you were referring to. Also, if you had already confided in these co-workers about the situation, OF COURSE they're going to recognize what your emo statuses were really about. It's not hard to piece these things together, especially if you had A LOT of statuses about this girl, which it sounds like you did. And really, why, knowing that these people work with this girl and were aware of your feelings for her, would you constantly update your facebook with statuses about your lovesick, mopey feelings for her? You're just begging for trouble there.

 

Most of the stuff I wrote was along the lines of wishing things were different, wishing things could go back to the way they were, wishing I could fix things, that kind of thing. I only wrote stuff because I needed to vent, and I was careful enough to never make it sound like they were about a person, let alone someone in particular. Besides, nobody ever really pays attention to me, I fly under everyone's radar, and people always just leave me be. So, I just figured nobody would bother reading into anything I write.

 

 

Man up and take responsibility for bringing this situation on yourself.

 

Did you not see the posts I made acknowledging that I know this is all my fault? I'm not blaming anyone else for what happened, I'm more upset that people acted like they were being supportive, and trying to be my friend, only to stab me in the back. And worse yet, I don't know who, exactly, was in on that, and I'd bet they'll continue playing me. So, now I don't know who I can trust, and I basically just have to assume everyone is out to get me, and stay away from everyone in general.

[blueidealist24]

Those posts really don't sound bad at all. I think your general problem which leads to the mistakes is that you're bad at dealing with rejection, but of course that's only one issue, not meaning that you're a bad person all things considered. The problems didn't start when you fell for the girl and asked her out, they started when you couldn't really accept her answer of no and you started obsessing over her giving you another chance or wanting to start up a friendship. You need to find a way to block those after-effects of rejection out. It's not that weird to have wanted to stay friends with her after she left the job, but it seems like those thoughts occupied your mind EVERY SECOND of EVERY DAY. It's hard for me to say since I've been like that in the past but I think you need something to distract yourself, some project to throw yourself into so you stop thinking about it if you are in the future rejected again. Then if you're not thinking about it you can avoid taking those bad actions. Plus, how many times has this happened, only once or twice? You said there haven't been many girls. Some people sometimes don't learn the first or second time to not do certain things but can learn the third, fourth, or fifth time. Your mistakes are kind of rookie mistakes in the dating world since you don't have much experience, but they could be seen as extra weird for people who have a lot of experience dating (maybe your coworkers) and were done making rookie mistakes over being rejected a long time ago.

[MattW]

Plus, how many times has this happened, only once or twice? You said there haven't been many girls. Some people sometimes don't learn the first or second time to not do certain things but can learn the third, fourth, or fifth time. Your mistakes are kind of rookie mistakes in the dating world since you don't have much experience, but they could be seen as extra weird for people who have a lot of experience dating (maybe your coworkers) and were done making rookie mistakes over being rejected a long time ago.

 

Eh, sure, "romantically" speaking, this is really only, like, the second time this has been an issue. But I've made similar mistakes with people even on a platonic level in the past, so when you take that into consideration, as well...

[MattW]

I'm also feeling pretty sad because my goal for the last few months was to befriend my coworkers, so that I could start building up a social circle for myself. I had so much fun with them the couple times they included me and I went out with them. Now, I have to assume they're no longer going to want to hang out with me after this, and I won't get invited or included in anything anymore. So, now I'm pretty much back to square one, having no friends, and no active social life. Heck, already, I overheard that some of them went out over the weekend, and I didn't know about it at all (granted, none of them had a way to get in contact with me), and that kinda bummed me out.

 

Not to mention, I don't know if, when she said she felt weird about us being friends outside of work if she meant as in, just me and her hanging out as friends, or if that included me being a part of the groups that get together and go out. If the latter, then I guess for sure they won't be including me anymore.

 

*sigh* I hate that I **** stuff like this every single time.

[EssexMan]

Do you think your coworkers might be picking up on the fact that you are so analytical and strategising about getting to know them? That could put some people off.