tripped Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I broke up with a girl in October, and it was a horribly draining and confidence destroying task. The relationship was toxic, but began with the promise of great things. Well, now I've been seeing this girl for about a month and a half, and we keep having the same conversation. She wants to be "exclusive" and commit, but I keep feeling uncomfortable entering into a new relationship. I really like her, and we spend a lot of time together and treat each other really well. This is the only girl I have a sexual relationship with, but I have been keeping my options open, going on a few random dates and whatnot. I have been meeting a lot of really cool people, and I just feel uncomfortable turning my back on everything and finding myself in another relationship that doesn't work out in the end because I didn't take my time to figure out if it truly works. It's gotten to the point though were the girl I've been dating is feeling like it's her fault and that she is stupid for opening herself up emotionally. I told her that maybe we should slow down, but she doesn't want to. What should I do? Link to comment
Nodrog Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Not being able or ready to commit doesn't make you a bad person. If you can't offer this girl what she feels she needs from the relationship, it's far better to let her know now and end things rather than do what you feel is right and actually make her feel much worse down the line when you eventually end things anyway. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 You broke up with your ex in October and immediately started dating again. You didn't take any time to recover from the toxic relationship and get yourself back on track before looking for a replacement. It doesn't take a full relationship to be a replacement for the ex...all it takes is dating for the companionship, sex and the good feelings of having a partner without any commitment. It sounds to me like you are not ready to date yet...if you dump her and start looking for someone else, chances are you will feel the same way and will hurt yet another woman. Perhaps it is time to be single and alone for a while. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Doesn't make you bad person. You just know what you want. Link to comment
superfan Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Doesn't make you a bad person - some people are not cut out for commitment. However, you should sever ties from this girl as it sounds like she is not on the same page you are and if you don't you are only going to end up hurting her in the long run. Link to comment
MikNomis Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Well you can always return to the dating scene but you can't always return to a girl so if you're finding it hard to commit solely because you don't want to give up dating around remember you can come back to it whenever. Link to comment
FYI Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 .... and of course if you leave it'll be your fault in her eyes. She gave up the cookie for you to bite on and you don't want to commit. So if you try to pull the plug on the sex then she'll say you used her when really that's probably the right thing to do. If you want to date around and you don't wish to be serious, don't act serious with your "friend." Take my advice and never believe a person who says they can have sex and not catch feelings. It's nonsense. Link to comment
Tom1990 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 It sounds like you both definitely need different sorts of relationships right now. You're looking for dates, while she's looking for a long-term partner. There's nothing wrong with that. Different people need different things. The girl I'm seeing just needs to casually date me. I just need to casually date her. It feels so good being on the same page like this. The longer you stick with your current girl, the longer you wait before you get the sort of partner you need in your life. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 NOOO this is bad. She approached you for exclusivity and instead you are saying you are not sure and sleeping with other women. That is the classic definition of stringing. Stop it. End it ... it is not fair to anyone that you are sleeping with others. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 If she doesn't want to slow down, the only thing to do is break up. It sounds like you're on completely different pages. She probably shouldn't have slept with you before you became exclusive but what's done is done. It's a lesson learned for her not to get too invested in someone before an exclusive relationship has been established. You are not ready for a relationship (or you are not into her enough to be in a relationship with her)...either way the best thing to do is end it now. Good luck. Link to comment
quirky Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 If you've been dating for a month and a half then you should know by now. You kinda still wanna check what's around..it's not bad as such but it's best to cut ties with her. Link to comment
Psychomagnet Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I think you should (if you haven't already) be honest with them all. Tell them up front in a kind way "Hey I just got out of something major and am not ready to commit to anyone just yet" and leave it up to them if they want to just keep things casual with the understanding that it may not get to a commitment. Sounds a little bit brutal but isn't the truth always? I think it's the respectful thing to do at least. Do not string them though dangling the carrot of maybe, let them decide if they want it to go on or bail. Honesty may not be sexy these days, but it really is the best policy. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Adding a nuance: I think honesty is WAY sexy. Have lived through two examples of the brutally gruff and the brilliantly obscure, and plain if gruff wins hands down. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Hahaha, I can't commit to a guy but I let know that in my profile by allowing them to have options. I'm not sure if you told girls from the very beginning or kept your mouth shut and went with the flow. It makes you a bad person if you weren't very honest from the beginning. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Adding a nuance: I think honesty is WAY sexy. Have lived through two examples of the brutally gruff and the brilliantly obscure, and plain if gruff wins hands down. I love that term! It describes perfectly what game players are all about...they are brilliant at being obscure! Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Poor girl. Basically you're taking everything you need from her but ignore her needs. Of coarse you're entitled to feel the way you do, but you shouldn't be sleeping with her bc that promises commitment. Link to comment
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