Spontaneous Memories & Their Aggravation

[eastonweston]

Hi all,

 

Does anyone else experience the most random distant memories of our exes as we go about our daily routines? You could be doing fine, in the zone, going about your business- when spontaneously a random memory from way down in the memory banks shoots in the mind like a propulsion rocket.

 

You think, what in the world? Where did that memory come from? It had nothing to do with what I am doing, and I had completely forgotten the time we were at (insert location) and I did (insert goofy thing) and she retorted with (insert adorable laugh and witty comment). The next thing I know, I'm spending two minutes fully reflecting on that time four years ago.

 

It's these spontaneous memories that make me bow over in a twinge of sharp pain.

 

Some times the memory is a good memory that hurts because of the 'lost' happiness and I catch myself daydreaming with a smile on my face. Other times, the memory is one where I was very rude to her or mean or angry in a situation, and the pain stabs me with guilt and remorse and strong wishes that I could go back and redo that 'memory'.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some validation that these are normal experiences, and possibly some advice on how to stop them, or get through them with the least amount of pain?

 

Thanks, ladies & gents.

 

E.

[Godless_Heathen]

Frankly, I have those kind of random spontaneous memories of all sorts of things, not just exes. Particularly memories of things where I feel I did something stupid or wrong. I think it's our brains' way of prodding us not to do that again.

[Ggii]

Good evening,

 

This is very common when you have ended your relationship, even if it has been a while. I sometimes still dream about my ex bf of 2 years ago, while I'm not even in love with him anymore and I've had many other relationships after him (of which I also still dream sometimes).

 

For me personally, when those spontaneous memories come up, it helps to think of something nasty my ex said, or to imagine him doing the things I disliked about him. Not things about his appearance, or nasty things we said to each other, or unhappy moments (those will just hurt you) just things my ex did and that I've always really disliked, for example:

- Playing videogames for hours a day while ignoring all of his friends and me;

- Everytime he got so hammered at a party that he threw up and I constantly had to take care of him or, when I wasn't there, being afraid that he would do something stupid;

- His bad taste in music;

- His superiority feelings towards all students who weren't studying the same study as he does but the talent to fail all his exams every single time;

Blabla and so on and so on. But don't let yourself think of this too much. Hate is a powerful emotion. You need to create an emotion with these converted memories that represents irritation. You remember the times you were extremely annoyed by your ex, because of these points? Good! Convert your spontaneous thoughts of her, to this. For me this works

So evverytime this memories hit you in an ambush, and you feel hurt, think of the annoying habits of your ex, the annoying things she said and so on. Allow yourself to think of it for two minutes and say to yourself: "Okay that was such a terrible habit of her, glad I don't have that in my life no more." And then stop it.

For me it also helps to cycle to the beach and to spoil myself with cooking difficult receipes (cooking requires so much attention, you won't be able to focus on anything else)

 

Good luck, stay strong!

 

Love from M.

[ChellyV]

Yes, they are called ambush attacks. When you are so unprepared and not seeing it coming. There are days when I am totally happy then it hits me. It happened to me for years and I realized the pain slowly fading as time went by.

 

Same with childhood memories, there are times you think about them and then it seemed different as time passes.

 

This is the path for healing. And it is perfectly normal. We cannot just erase nice memories and so the pain. If only we can, I would be the first one to purchase the magic eraser. I have become a more matured person in handling relationships though..so in effect, I needed the pain to be who I am now.

[klin]

I think these are normal. For the good memories, remind yourself that you miss them for a reason, and even though they're gone, you can still cherish them. However, it's much easier to do so with a quick smile and nod than let yourself burrow into sombre nostalgia. At first this is super difficult, but I've found myself transitioning over time and even forcing it a bit when it's hard to avoid being sad.

 

As for the sad memories and the regrets, the most important thing I've learned is to forgive. Forgive yourself for doing wrong to your partner. Of course there are many things each of us would change if we had the opportunity, but we can't. Also, when I remember awful things I may have done years ago, I remind myself that he forgave me for those then, and I can forgive myself for them now.

 

It's a lot of letting go. It's very challenging to let go of someone that you love, but in doing so, you also free yourself. Let good memories be good memories instead of lost moments and broken love, and let bad memories be mistakes that we've learned from.

 

One of my favourite books (also incidentally a new movie), The Perks of Being a Wallflower, has a good quote for freeing yourself, and I think of it often: “So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”

 

Good luck in your journey.

[Chalk]

Yep, normal. I get/got 'flashbacks' of moments we had together. The emotion with them was v. strong and it felt like they were only yesterday rather than months/years ago. It was special, as I was feeling those feelings again, but sad and painful as I knew that they were just memories.

 

I was surprised by the total randomness of the events remembered. Things, some really insignificant, I hadn't thought about for years.

 

They are normal and have decreased in frequency. I like to think they are part of the brains natural healing.

 

(I loved perks of being a wallflower. I liked the quote 'we accept the love we think we deserve' rang true for me at the time).

[Reflective82]

I think it's great that the fact you're having "memories" means you're out of the ex being on your mind 24 7. Mine is on my mind 24 7. Just can't get his existence out of my head.

 

I guess try and find what triggers it and avoid it, but also experiencing the twinges means you're getting through it and that eventually you may have got through lots of the memories and then they won't hurt as badly when and if you remember them again....

[eastonweston]

eventually you may have got through lots of the memories and then they won't hurt as badly when and if you remember them again....

 

^^ That's a good point. Because usually the memories are non-repeating, at least so far. Granted, 5 years of memories will be a lot to get through, but it's possible that once all of the big memories run their course, my brain will be tapped out!

 

Thanks.

[eastonweston]

I was surprised by the total randomness of the events remembered. Things, some really insignificant, I hadn't thought about for years.

 

Exactly. The insignificant ones are the most confusing. Like when I randomly remembered the time she knocked over my jar of pennies and they exploded all over my apartment. I mean, that happened 4 years ago and wasn't a big deal. And it randomly popped into my mind while I was working at the computer. No idea.

[PurpleRomantic]

Oh man, I've had a ton of those...at work, at home, in the car, grocery shopping...fortunately sometimes they make me laugh. I've caught myself daydreaming and smiling at the computer at work. Talk about being self-conscious after that!

 

I'm hoping that since it's been less than 2 months since the break up that it'll fade.