Control issues / Daddy issues invading everything! Your thoughts?

[IAmFCA]

One of my dear friends has just recommended therapy for me, and I know he is right. I suspect my challenge is shared by at least several of us.

 

In short: I readily accept control from others, in all venues. I seek it. I am attracted to very "Type A" men, I relinquish control at work even though I am among the most qualified, I tend to attract Type A (girl)friends as well. Growing up and into my 20s, I took control. I organized friends, I struggled with gender politics that I saw as dominant/subordinate, I did very much my own thing. And then I got married. Took a lot of grief for being controlling. Stifled my voice incrementally and intentionally until I was functionally absent. Divorce decree 15 years later and nearly 3 years ago. I found my voice before separating and have been trying to learn how to use it ever since.

 

The need to control originates in insecurity perhaps? What about the ability? In my case, I feel overwhelmed and I shirk control. If I take control, I accept responsibility. I don't want any more responsibility.

 

Has anyone else tackled this sort of issue? I need to fix it out of respect for myself.

[abitbroken]

Controlling because you feel out of control is not necessarily a "daddy" issue. Tons of people who have positive relationships with their dads can be control freaks too.

 

There is a difference between being in control of your life and being pushy and bossy and in a marriage or friendship not allowing a spouse or friend to share decisions and control...to have to have it all. It implies that the other person is totally incompetent and that turns off people big time.

 

Maybe there is a happy medium for you somewhere.

[IAmFCA]

Thanks abb. Gotta find that middle spot. I don't feel insecure, except for the general anxiety that I will unwittingly "drop the ball". Maybe that's what I need to focus on.

[catfeeder]

Hello ITIC,

Do you think it might help us to better understand what you view as problem behavior if you can identify some recent instances where being less controlling has caused you difficulty?

 

My best,

Cat

[IAmFCA]

Thanks for asking CF, apologies for delay - slept!

 

Identifying the behavior might be the tricky part, I need to figure out how it is I relinquish control. I think if I knew the answer I would write a shorter message. There is a pattern:

 

Romantic life:

(1) Am recovering from alot actually, but most recently from the end of a relationship that never began but lasted nearly a year. He is massively talented and brilliant, inactive Army and most comfortable directing others. He used his talents to manipulate me. I knew it and let it happen. Before him, I was in a very supportive relationship with a controlling man who used his powers only for my benefit. I was very lucky to have him as he always had my back and treated me with respect and love.

(2) A couple of days ago I went on a great date after which I wanted and got our first kiss. I had been thinking about inviting him in, not for sex but just to advance us a little bit, but I didn't. I would have gone along had he invited himself in though. That control should have been mine, and he was waiting for me to use it. Broke up with me, if that's the right word, the next day because I just wasn't interested as much as he hoped. (that's his issue but I get his point.) I am okay with us not dating; I am not okay that I stifled my voice.

 

At work

(3) I am the subject expert in my region. We are growing. We brought in a team lead from elsewhere in the organization and to whom I now report, rather than put me in his spot. I just am not projecting the desire / talent / skill to control a team and grow it. And I knew that and really didn't want the job. Worse, it would not have been available to me had I wanted it.

 

Friendships:

(4) If you call and invite me, I will make every effort to participate. But do I call you? Not likely. Once in a while. I am exhausted by the idea of planning and by the pressure of one more fixed appointment on my calendar. Gotta get over it; I miss building friendships.

(5) My girlfriends are good decision makers: "lets meet here at x time" and I go along. They are waiting for me to reciprocate.

 

I used to be different. Before I was married I landed a job in a very demanding very competitive position. I drove myself beyond my education and network to get it. But over time my control faded. Lots of inputs here:

(1) I am the youngest of 5 so imprinted early as a follower/go along to get along personality.

(2) Dad was a control freak. We are good now. All three of his daughters report having "daddy issues".

(3) I married and divorced an insecure man who asks to be controlled. Its why we failed. I refused to control him. (and he accused me of being controlling; it was a no-win for me). I suppose I chose him because he seemed safe. I think I am more prepared for emotional intimacy now.

(4) I am told by close friends that I am ridiculously over-the-top strong. I have preserved and protected my children and my finances from my ex-H's onslaught of chaos including starting a new family before leaving this one, declaring bankruptcy, lawsuits, and unpredictable scheduling. I am the wall nothing gets past. Its exhausting.

(5) I am often getting the lecture that I don't appreciate how great I am. Aren't we all great? I don't get it.

 

I intend to lay this at a therapist's feet and see what comes of it. But I already feel different just expressing it this way.

 

If you read this far, CF, take a break! lol.

 

ITIC

[abitbroken]

(2) A couple of days ago I went on a great date after which I wanted and got our first kiss. I had been thinking about inviting him in, not for sex but just to advance us a little bit, but I didn't. I would have gone along had he invited himself in though. That control should have been mine, and he was waiting for me to use it. Broke up with me, if that's the right word, the next day because I just wasn't interested as much as he hoped. (that's his issue but I get his point.) I am okay with us not dating; I am not okay that I stifled my voice.

 

What?? You don't have the "control" because you didn't invite him in? That makes no sense to me.

He didn't want to continue with you not because you didn't invite him over but because he wasn't getting the vibe through your conversations and body language that you were into him. when my bf and i were first dating and didn't go into eachother's homes, you could feel the excitement/interest we had for eachother. Whether you invited him in or not didn't make a difference like you think.

 

(1) I am the youngest of 5 so imprinted early as a follower/go along to get along personality.

 

Sometimes the youngest is not the "go along." Sometimes they rule the family because everyone puts them at the center as the baby. it's the middle child/children that seem more lost in the shuffle or the go alongs because they are not the oldest, yet not the star (the baby) either.

 

We brought in a team lead from elsewhere in the organization and to whom I now report, rather than put me in his spot. I just am not projecting the desire / talent / skill to control a team and grow it. And I knew that and really didn't want the job. Worse, it would not have been available to me had I wanted it.

 

If you didn't want the job and speak up about it, they were not going to offer it to you. its a bad road to go down that "they should of offered it to me but I didn't want it, but it would have been nice if they did"

[catfeeder]

Identifying the behavior might be the tricky part, I need to figure out how it is I relinquish control. I think if I knew the answer I would write a shorter message.

 

No, you don't need to figure out 'how' you relinquish control at this point, that's a tall order. All you need to do is go into observer mode and identify two things: when you've gone passive, and what negative consequences did you suffer as a result?

 

Extra credit: were the results actually negative, or is that a habitual assumption?

 

Romantic life:

(1) Am recovering from alot actually, but most recently from the end of a relationship that never began but lasted nearly a year. He is massively talented and brilliant, inactive Army and most comfortable directing others. He used his talents to manipulate me. […]

 

How did he manipulate you, and what were the consequences?

 

(2) A couple of days ago I went on a great date after which I wanted and got our first kiss. I had been thinking about inviting him in, not for sex but just to advance us a little bit, but I didn't. I would have gone along had he invited himself in though. That control should have been mine, and he was waiting for me to use it. Broke up with me, if that's the right word, the next day because I just wasn't interested as much as he hoped. (that's his issue but I get his point.) I am okay with us not dating; I am not okay that I stifled my voice.

 

Given that you got the first kiss you wanted, why couldn't that have been enough for you? Why wasn't it enough for him?

 

Main question is, how many times had you dated? What was your rationale for not inviting him in?

 

At work

(3) […] And I knew that and really didn't want the job. Worse, it would not have been available to me had I wanted it.

 

Big point not to miss is, you didn't ~want~ the job, so why would you have exerted efforts to shuffle for it in order to make it available? This is a chicken versus the egg example: Which came first, the lack of desire for the job, or the lack of availability of the job? Wasn't this the outcome you ~wanted~?

 

I was up for a promotion I didn't want with a guy who was young and could benefit from it. Was it passive of me to suggest that he take the job, assuring him that I'd support him and serve as his 'number 2' person for as long as he needed my help? (Or did I serve my own agenda, despite a lack of fame and flash?)

 

At what point can a wise woman relax with the idea that bigger is not necessarily better?

 

Friendships:

(4) If you call and invite me, I will make every effort to participate. But do I call you? Not likely. Once in a while. I am exhausted by the idea of planning and by the pressure of one more fixed appointment on my calendar. Gotta get over it; I miss building friendships.

 

You ~are~ building friendships by Showing Up for your friends. But, yes, I can appreciate your desire to step up your participation. Here's a trick that works for me: spontaneity.

 

I fill in my calendar with invitations I've accepted. Somewhere in between those commitments I commit to my Self one outing To Be Determined ('what' will depend on how I 'feel' at the time). Near that time I poke around my phone list to see who might 'feel' like joining me.

 

(5) My girlfriends are good decision makers: "lets meet here at x time" and I go along. They are waiting for me to reciprocate.

 

The spontaneous invitations discussed above count as reciprocating, even if they're simple brunches or lunches, in or out. Sure, they may not dazzle, but you're working your way UP by taking baby steps. Dazzle later--for now just enjOy.

 

I used to be different. Before I was married I landed a job in a very demanding very competitive position. I drove myself beyond my education and network to get it. But over time my control faded.

 

Sounds like an excellent time for your maturity to question whether demanding and competitive 'must' necessarily equal better--for ~you~.

 

I was not all that thrilled with my years in a VP role within a top financial firm. I loved the trip up, and I've loved the trip down--and as noted above by my decline of a promotion, I'm not ruining this for myself with any arbitrary 'shoulds'.

 

So the question becomes: why can't you simply want what you (actually) want, and must it carry a degree of prestige?

 

[…] (5) I am often getting the lecture that I don't appreciate how great I am. Aren't we all great? I don't get it.

 

Are you prompting these lectures with complaints? If so, what kind of complaints--and are they valid or based on appearing as you believe you 'should'?

 

I intend to lay this at a therapist's feet and see what comes of it. But I already feel different just expressing it this way.

 

Terrific! Therapute away, and I hope you'll feel welcome to share that experience along the way if you wish. I'd love to hear about it.

 

If you read this far, CF, take a break! lol.

 

ITIC

 

Heh-heh! Yur a love.

 

Talk soon, and my best,

Cat

[Angel Irulan]

I'm kind of the opposite with a 'take me as I am' attitude. I'm an adult but my parents still see me as an over aged Brittney Spears. I'm unapologetic for how I behave, how I dress, what I aspire to and who I support as a human being.

 

Are my tops too low cut? I don't think so, if you do, don't look at me. Don't like my writing for Amnesty International in death penalty cases? Oh well. Or my support of animal rights causes and my house full of pets? I'm okay with it, what problem should you have with it? Do you see what I mean about a different attitude? If someone, anyone, decided they did not like me for me, I'd leave them alone. No Mr. Fix it's in my life, please. It's not broken! I mind my own business and I expect other people to.

 

I'm not saying I'm right or wrong, but this does work for me and leaves me with self-respect.

Angel

[IAmFCA]

A note of thanks from the OP:

 

Good stuff here! I have been visiting and traveling for NYE, and am taking tonight off from introspection. I look forward to exploring the ideas that you have helped me explore, and new ones raised up.

 

Happy new years eve to you and please continue this thread with me in 2013!

 

ITIC

[IAmFCA]

CF Q&A

(1) "I fill in my calendar with invitations I've accepted. Somewhere in between those commitments I commit to my Self one outing To Be Determined ('what' will depend on how I 'feel' at the time). Near that time I poke around my phone list to see who might 'feel' like joining me." - Thank you CF -- I love this idea. It creates space in the calendar without the added pressure of buying tickets, setting the time, until I get closer. Love it.

 

(2) Been thinking about your questions... Fell in love with a man who fell in love with me at the same time, but was intending only to have a second-string gf to back up his LDR. The trouble isnt with him, though of course people who love me hate him on my behalf. The trouble is it took me months to cut it off and stick to it. When I was in the dating pool 20 years ago, I would not have thought twice.

 

The man I kissed but didnt invite up - I thought I would invite him up at the start of the date, get a private kiss out of the way, and then go out for wine and a bite. But he got out of work an hour later than he thought, so time was tight. then at the end of the date I just didnt feel compelled, as I knew he somewhere to be next. What struck me though is I didnt take control by saying "I like you, but I am going to say goodnight here." The other thing that strikes me is how crazy it made him. I mean, who am I attracting?

 

(3) You make a good point re work. My life has changed drastically since getting divorced and all the related disruption that entailed. My priorities have changed.

 

Angel - great point. Why am I apologizing for myself to myself? Love this.

 

This New Year holiday gave me the opportunity to relfect how beaten up I had become and how much recovery I did in 2013. I am not sure where this leads me re Control Issues, but I know after reading the few responses here, I will make an effort to be more comfortable "being large and in charge" because I think I prefer the outcome. And, I will run this past a therapist. There is more at work here.

[IAmFCA]

Y'all I am still crunching away on this... several points in this thread are sinking in. Maybe its my perception that is all goofed up. As the cartoon character Popeye said, I yam what I yam" and I need to be proud of that.

 

Thanks.