My Dad is Dying and deteriorating fast from cancer

[crosstownTraffic]

I just lost my mom to lung cancer a year or so ago and she didn't even smoke. From the time we found out the cancer was malignant to the time she died was only 2 months, so I know what you are going thru..

It's horrible to see your parent dying before your eyes, and knowing there is nothing you can do about it....

 

I'm about to write a post bout it myself.... And no one really wants to talk to you about it..... it seems like having cancer makes it worse, since so many people get that now.. everybody is scared of it.

[Browneyedgirl000]

I posted in February that my father had stopped his chemo treatments as they were no longer helping and began hospice care. He died on June 17th. He fought every single day until he took his last breath. His goal was to make it for the birth of my first baby. He didn't make it, Im due on Friday. He became non responsive on a Monday morning, he was alert and smiling through all the pain until that Monday. It was horrible to see him like that. I talked to him for hours that day. I told him all I needed and wanted him to know, I don't know for sure if he heard it as he couldn't respond or open his eyes. I also told him that it was okay if he didn't make it to see the baby. I told him that he tried so hard and we all know that. I told him that I knew he would meet his grandson in heaven and show him the way to me....as much as it broke my heart, I told him it was ok to go to be in peace. He died that night.

 

Honestly, I don't know how I get through every day. He must give me incredible strength. I have attacks of sadness and greif out of the blue, but I am functioning so much better than I ever thought I would. I spend more time alone, I don't care much to talk to friends on the phone or to go out much. I spend a lot of time with my husband, my mother, and my sisters. We all know how the other feels without having to say a word...so its comforting. I find it hard to be in "normal" situations for more than an hour or so. I went to a bbq with my in laws and after 2 hours or so I had to leave and cried the whole way home. Those surprise attacks happen every now and then. Its like the reality of it hits me all over again. Once the shock is over,I just miss him so much it makes my whole body aches. I feel for anybody who goes though this loss. I heard it gets easier with time, but I find that hard to believe.

[onelight]

I'm 14 years old, and my dad's dying of prostate cancer.

 

I know where you are and I am right there with you. The only difference is that I am 37. It's not any easier because i am older either. I am finding it hard to function now at all. I can't imagine how you are doing being only 14 though. There is so much about life you have yet to learn and to lose your dad so young. There's no doubt that the coming months (and years) will be quite hard for you.

 

Today I found out that my dad's chemo is not working and making him sicker. We were just told he has less than 6 months to live. Prostate cancer too. I am numb and in shock.

 

I will say prayers for you that you will find comfort. Talk to your mom as much as you can. If that's not enough there are also (in addition to above mentioned hospice, etc. counsellors) places usually called "Family Services" (or something like that) that do sliding scale fees (meaning you pay according to how much your--or your family--income is). These places usually have support groups. Please DO think seriously about a support group because there are many there who know exactly how you feel.

 

Please take care of yourself and your family. Hugs to you.

[gramma06]

I'm sorry for everything you have gone through. I was hoping you could give me any ideas on how to get through the next few months. I am 41 years old and have been watching my father slowly die over the last 15 months. The dr has told us he has 2 years to live.(but this isn't living at all) He has multiple myeloma cancer and has went from 268 lbs to less than 180 lbs. he can't walk anymore, his hearing and sight are going and his mind is going in and out. I'm having a hard time watching him lay there in pain and unable to eat like he used to. He has gotten bed sores even after everything we try to prevent them. My biggest problem latly is trying to be happy when my grandson was born but then seeing what my dad is going through. I can't switch emotions from happy to sad like everyone exspects me to. Anything you can suggest will be helpful.

[babygirl1991]

be strong and try to be their with him as much as possible.. trust me i know i lost my dad im 16 he'll be in my prayers

[gramma06]

Well my dad passed away on september 3rd peacefully. I'm sad he is gone but happy he isn't suffering anymore. The last few days of his life were horrible. I stayed awake the night before he passed so he wasn't alone. Everyone keeps asking if i'm ok. I told them i have spent alot of time getting ready for this and have grieved for months before it happened so i don't have many tears left to cry. My dad would want me to go on and not linger on him being gone. He will never be gone from my heart or in my memories.

[onelight]

I posted a few weeks ago that my dad had less than 6 months to live. He died this past Sunday. How could they be so freaking off about that? I am in another world since that day they said "less than 6 months." Now i am in an unreal hell on earth. How do you get through this? HOW HOW HOW???????????????????????????? I am wearing his clothes and calling his cell phone non stop just to hear his voice. I am not normal. I feel like I need to be put away for the insane. I can't even imagine i will live though this. Can someone help me? PLEASE?????????

[amipushy]

Well my dad passed away on september 3rd peacefully. I'm sad he is gone but happy he isn't suffering anymore. The last few days of his life were horrible. I stayed awake the night before he passed so he wasn't alone. Everyone keeps asking if i'm ok. I told them i have spent alot of time getting ready for this and have grieved for months before it happened so i don't have many tears left to cry. My dad would want me to go on and not linger on him being gone. He will never be gone from my heart or in my memories.

 

I'm sorry sorry for your loss. And you're right he will never be gone from your heart or from your memories. I just wish I had some magic thing to say but unfortunately time and acceptance will help you far more than anything I could do or say.

[amipushy]

I posted a few weeks ago that my dad had less than 6 months to live. He died this past Sunday. How could they be so freaking off about that? I am in another world since that day they said "less than 6 months." Now i am in an unreal hell on earth. How do you get through this? HOW HOW HOW???????????????????????????? I am wearing his clothes and calling his cell phone non stop just to hear his voice. I am not normal. I feel like I need to be put away for the insane. I can't even imagine i will live though this. Can someone help me? PLEASE?????????

 

You are not going insane, you are doing exactly what people do at a time like this. You are in a state of shock which is to be expected and EVERYTHING you are going through including wearing his clothes and calling his cell phone is very, very normal.

 

Grief comes in waves and unless you are feeling suicidal or psychotic you should do whatever gets you through i.e. sleep when you feel like, talk only when you want to including talking to him and cry when you feel you can.

 

Like I said in the above post time and acceptance will ease your pain but it does take a very, long time so take it easy on yourself and take each day as it comes.

 

Something which helped me understand what I was feeling was this quote:

 

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear" - C.S.Lewis.

 

An extract from his book might help you now..link removed

[bobsdaughter]

I live 7 hours away and while I have made arrangements with work to try and be back home with my parents for a couple of weeks at a time, it is both difficult while I am there and twice as difficult while I'm back in my fortress of solitude.

When I'm home to help out - I try and find something funny to hold on to. There are some beautifully sad and funny moments that I hold so very precious and try very hard to remember. I write a little and as time goes on, I expect I will be writing alot more.

Since the cancer has hit his brain, he has a lot of difficulty in expressing himself and he is very forgetful. There are times when he is unaware of what is happening to him. I can't tell you how many times he's asked me what disease he has or I have to help him with something he used to find so second nature. There are also times when he is quite lucid and says the most profound things. I see a little of the man that I used to know.

I think one of the things that gets my goat are the # of people that say things like I'm praying for you or hang in there. Then there are the "if there is anything I can do" people - those that you know will seem to be unable to help when you actually build up some courage and actually ask. I know its a matter of that they mean well or they just don't know what else to say but a lot of times, I wish they would just say nothing when they hear the news. I care not for prayers. I am already trying to hang in there. Don't offer your help if you can't follow through. I do my best to let it all go and try to chalk it up to the ignorance of people.

I am struggling with trying to fulfill my father's wish to see his Twillingate just one more time. I wonder if making the effort of making it happen is worth it. I don't know if he will live long enough or even realize that he is there. I would be just fine if he dies there. Perhaps the idea of going there would give him enough strength to make the very long journey worth his while. I think it would help me more than him, really. My final gift to him while he is still alive.

I know this much about dying so far. It is so very hard and scary for both the dying and the living. When death comes suddenly it is only the responsibilty of the survivors to learn how to cope with it and move on. When there is a long term illness, it is something else entirely. You have to look the dying person in the eyes and be so strong for them. Try to make them laugh when they are suffering while hiding your shattering heart.

It is hard but you aren't alone. My path has been one of trying to find patience. Trying to find kindness. Develop understanding. Trying to take care of myself ( I'm not doing very with that one). Working on cherishing every moment and find an opportunity to crack a smile. Trying to find the beauty in death because I now realize the value of living.

I've even started writing what I want to say at my dad's funeral. Retracing his history, remembering better times and even times when I thought he was the worst father in the world (the ignorant teenage years when I was so stupid and didn't know what a great father he was). I don't know if I will ever get out the words I write down. I do find it helpful; letting go a little of my pain.

I don't know if that will help anyone going through this. We all die. It is a lot to cope with. Be loving as best you can. Wear his clothes. Feel your pain - all emotions are very important to acknowledge.

My best to anyone who reads this.

[babylyssa]

I am deeply sorry, I lost my father Oct, 2007 to suicide My prayers go out to you and your family

[saturnino III]

hi all,

i was led here when i googled " knowing your father is dying".

there are lots of info and encouragements i found that is very helpful.

my name is ernest. i am a nurse working in geriatrics and chronic vent-unit.

i see people die in my workplace.

and my father is heading there, and i tell you, it's very diffrent.

he's in the other side of the world right now. he's been given 4-6months to live due to cancer.

my mother is taking all the burden as all of my siblings are not there anymore, but somewhere in the greener pasture where our parents sets us up to be.

so now we all have our own families and away from him.

i only have one pics of him when he was younger. stared at it most of the time now.

my family will be going to see my parents next month.

i know this is going to be rough ride in my life. but i guess i will have to go through this bumpy road.

getting prepared is what i'm trying, but when this day comes, i know it might not be what i prep myself for.

i saw him last year in july when he had a stroke(3rd time) to some rehab and set-up the house

for things like poles, walker, cane, commode, etc.,

but when i got the news 2 days ago, they say, well, he said, it' has already proliferated.

and i thought he has cardiac issues and have, maybe, 2-4 years or even more to live.

in advance, thank you for the reading.

[dscott]

I found this topic while seaching this site and I can relate to so many of your stories. I also posted in another section. It's nice to know I am not alone, but I am still in such pain over what's happening now in my life.

 

My Dad is dying of prostate cancer. He is 63. He is on hospice care and is at home. The cancer has spread to his bones and the last few years have been a roller coaster of emotions... hospital visits... ups and downs.

 

The latest situation happened this past week. I went home to be with Dad after he took a turn for the worse. It happened last Sunday. He was fine Sunday night, then the next day, he couldn't get out of bed and was slurring his words and breathing heavily, in a lot of pain etc. etc. My Mom was keeping us (my 4 siblings and I) informed by phone. (None of us live nearby. my Sister and I are the closest - 5 hours away.) Then, on Tuesday, Mom called and said we may want to think about coming home. She thought Dad was not doing well, but didn't want to say she thought he was dying. She refused to tell us what she thought we should do, come home or wait, but after speaking with her, it seemed clear that Dad's condition was getting worse and we needed to make the trip. My brothers, sister and I went home and we have spent every hour of the past 6 days with him, watching him and caring for him. He looked terrible when we first arrived there to see him. He looked like he was at death's door - or at least how I imagine it. He was breathing heavily, he was out of sorts, didn't know what was going on, he was out of it and in pain. But then, as they days went on, he started to get a little better and yesterday, he got out of bed and watched TV in the living room, instead of his bedroom. He also started eating a little again and he told me that he is not giving up.

 

I am at a loss and can hardly express my feelings about this situation in words. My Dad is my best friend and I hate to see him going through this. I want to be there constantly, but I am so torn and I don't know what to do about that. Work is the problem. I wish I could just forget about work and stay with my Dad, but I don't have much time off available. I took 4 days off from work to be home this time, but my Mom thinks its OK to go back because he is stable again. As I mentioned, I live 5 hours away from them, so its not like I am right around the corner, should anything happen. So, what do I do? I stayed an extra day already and Dad is hanging on. Today though, my Sister and I decided to leave. It was such a difficult decision for me. I cried most of the drive back. I felt like a horrible person for leaving. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not. Dad is not alone. My brothers are still there, caring for him. They have jobs that can be done from home on laptop computers, so they have no problem staying. However, my job can't be done from home and that makes my situation more difficult.

 

I don't know what to do. I have no idea how much time Dad has left. I was able to talk to him when he felt better over the past few days. I always tell him I love him and I told him he is my best buddy. He said the same thing to me. That gives me some comfort, but I still want to be there. However, if I go home indefinitely, I will have to take all of my vacation time and then take family medical leave, but I would not get a full paycheck for that and I can't keep my apartment without a full paycheck. I could care less about the money, but my family and friends keep saying that Dad wouldn't want me to lose my job. I just hate not knowing what is going to happen. I want to be there with him so badly, I don't even know if I can do my job right now. I feel terrible for leaving him, but he has my brothers, my Mom and my aunt there now. I plan to go back on Friday for the weekend and continue visiting every weekend from now on and taking time off as needed. But, is that enough? I feel selfish for leaving him just to go to work. I plan to talk to HR tomorrow about my options for time off. I am so sad and I am at a loss. This is so difficult. I have always been there for him.

[verona7621]

Finding this site has given me so much comfort. I live in England and about twelve months ago my wife and I got some news that turned our lives upside down. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer of the limpth nodes, at the same time my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.

 

Twelve months on and my thank God my mother-in-law is doing okay. However my dad is now in the late stages of this terrible illness. I just don't know how I will cope when he is gone. It makes me so sad to see him bedbound and not able to do the things he used to. I know he doesn't have long left but I refuse to believe it. I've told him how much I love him and we've talked about all the good times & things we used to do but I still can't get my head round what is to come. I start a new job soon and although I know my dad will want me to carry on as normal it's going to be hard.

 

I thankfully still have my mother, brothers and sisters, but the pain is so raw.

[catclauss12]

Hello everyone. I am currently going through the same situation. I have decided to start a blog about my experiences in the hopes to gain some strength from myself as well as others. Please feel free to follow to do the same.

 

link removed

[rory191190]

oryt mate. im 19 and a dad of 2, i just lost my dad in feb. it isnt nice. i dnt really no what to say tbh. the hard part for me was that i always went everywhere with him when him and my mum fell out. he liked a drink and smoked a lot. the cause. watching him get so unwell was horrible and i no how your feeling. going from being so strong to being so weak in such a short time was bad crack. he told me and my brother to keep working and not worry. he was a very proud man and didnt want us to struggle. it was gullot cancer. he suffered a lot. in the end me and my brother were 5minutes late because of a lorry. my granny and granda were with him. so pritty much the hardest part for me is that no matter how much i want to i cnt go with him this time,my old boy was 52 and a quality wi scottish highlander. I really hope urs will be ok. you sound like a decent bloke. keep the chin up. u never no.

[Anotherday]

Gosh, reading this thread has been incredibly difficult and I am just sobbing.

 

My Dad will be in hospice five months the first week of September. His 95th BD is on Thursday. My mom told me to be prepared for his death soon. I know it might sound "odd" that someone this old is in hospice, but he's been dealing with Alzheimers for a very long time. I really lost him years ago.

 

I live out of state and said good-bye to him on June 25th. He was sleeping when I had to leave for the airport, so I told him I loved him and that I was sorry we never really knew each other.

 

He can no longer talk and so who knows if he is even in pain?

 

I am estranged from my siblings and my own world is a complete mess. I've been diagnosed with so many DSM IV diagnoses my head is just spinning. Saw another new shrink today Of course, given a couple more prescriptions which I am just too depressed to go get. At any rate, new shrink asked me if I am going to survive his passing, as in am I going to end it all. No, my mom is still living so no chance of that happening. I may, however, end up in a psych ward.

 

I do hope everyone who posted in this thread has found some peace and is doing better.

[RAH17]

B.G., I am aware it has been almost a decade and it is a long shot that you will read this but if so, I would like to see how you are doing now. I am going through something similar and would welcome all the advice I can get at this point.