Fantasizing About Other People?

[FairyGodmother]

My friends and I had disagreement tonight, and I thought I would get some unbiased opinions from eNA!

 

I, personally, think it is pointless to fantasize about other people while in a relationship. If I am with someone whom I love, I would have no desire to fantasize about anyone else. In the unlikely event that I should fantasize about someone else, I would feel very guilty for doing so. If my significant other were fantasizing about other women, and I found out, I would be deeply hurt. Having said that, I realize that some people do not mind their significant other fantasizing about other people, which is fine - to each their own.

 

My friends think that it is perfectly normal to fantasize about other people while in a relationship. I accept that this may be true, but I do not understand the reasoning behind it. If you are getting everything you need out of your relationship, why would you be fantasizing about someone else? Is it because it is exciting? Or maybe because it's forbidden, and therefore tempting? Or perhaps it is because you are not satisfied with your current sex life? In any of these cases, a number of things can be done to improve your relationship, as opposed to running away from your problems and simply fantasizing about other people.

 

I just don't understand why people can't be happy with what they have. Sure, you can think someone else is attractive, but to fantasize about them - to me it seems like crossing a line.

 

What do you think?

[camus154]

I think you're setting up a false dilemma. Just because you fantasy about someone else doesn't mean your needs aren't getting met, you're unhappy in your relationship, or you're running away from any problems. Technically speaking, any time a man (or woman) masturbates to porn, they're fantasizing about what they're watching. And yet virtually all men (and a lot of women) do this.

 

Where I do see fantasy becoming a problem is when they involve people you know or interact with in real life. That's a whole other story.

[pl3asehelp]

I agree with you 100%. I don't think people in general are very introspective and think about why they do the things they do.

[FairyGodmother]

@camus154 - I set up those dilemmas because I don't understand what a reason to fantasize about someone who is not your significant other would be otherwise. I am sure many people who fantasize don't have problems in their relationships. But then why do they do it? Just for fun? Why not fantasize about your partner then, as opposed to a stranger?

 

Personally, I don't watch porn, and neither does my significant other, and that links in with the reasons I don't fantasize. So the example of porn is hard for me to relate to, and doesn't particularly help me understand Is there another analogy that might explain it better?

 

Also, I would agree that people having fantasies about celebrities or unknown people are different to those about a coworker or friend. I suppose they are more understandable, but I still wouldn't do it. My boyfriend is enough for me. If he fantasized about someone else, I think I would feel like I wasn't (good) enough for him.

[quirky]

I know what you mean.. I honestly never think of another guy if I'm with someone and happy with him. I can't fantasize of someone else. If I'm single obvously it's different. Though even then, I'm boring..lol

 

I have had to accept this, that a man may/will fantasize but I wouldn't want to know about it.

[Fudgie]

I don't fantasize about other people but that's me. I've watched porn though and enjoy that once in a while but it's more about fantasizing about the act itself and doing it, not the people in the porn.

 

I however think it's normal for most to fantasize, even if I don't. I am okay with porn, so I think fantasizing can be like porn for some people.

I have no idea if my boyfriend fantasizes but he says no.

[bulletproof]

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, or that it indicates a flaw in the relationship. I think in particular, it makes sense that if people have been together for a long time, they might be slightly bored or so used to the person that it helps the sex become more exciting. In that case, I feel that it actually helps the relationship as opposed to hurting it.

 

I think that once you go down a road of what a person is allowed to think, you're in dangerous territory.

[jul-els]

I've never had a committed relationship go more than 5 years, but I've never fantasized about anyone when I was in one because I was happy with what I had. I would barely even bother to notice if a girl was really pretty or not. If I'm single on the other hand, heck yeah, I fantasize all the time, it's the spice of life.

[EssexMan]

I think it kind of depends on what you mean by "other people". I wouldn't, for example, fantasise about a specific real person I knew while I was in a relationship with someone else - that would seem downright wrong, almost unfaithful. And if by "fantasise" we're talking about masturbation, actually I would try not to let my girlfriend get in my mind's eye, either - because that seems to cheapen the reality of being with her. (I'm totally prepared to accept that that is irrational!)

 

But fantasise about a movie star or, yes, a porn star or someone you glimpsed on the street or just some random sexy construct in your mind - I think that's fine and very very normal.

[jchstar]

Thinking about actual people feels like cheating. Infact if im happy most my focus is on my bf or thinking about things we could do. Not on other guys. The whole porn thing bothers me a little because he is infact getting off to other people but i have accepted this is very common and despite me not liking it and feeling uncomfortable its not a personal thing. its nothing im lacking. its just something that society has deemed as normal when in my mind it seems a little wrong. just something i have to accept i guess. and many other women struggle with this but men and women both think about other people. but if my partner was thinking about others while he was physically with me( like during sex) i would be mad! infact i think most people would be mad

[figur]

I actually had a sex dream last night, which is rare for me, about an actor on a TV show I watch with my bf. I just find that guy so incredibly sexy, but do feel slightly guilty when I'm in my head drooling over him while watching the show with the bf. I felt a bit guilty after my dream, too. But not enough to ever bother saying something or thinking that I'm in the wrong.

 

It's normal to find other people attractive while in a perfectly fulfilling relationship. For me it just depends on the degree of fantasies. If someone fantasizes more often about others than their SO, or more often about people that they actually know, then I'd find it worrisome.

[Princy]

Yeah right..even I feel the same..when something is really missing in your relationship ..guess people fantasize..of course it can hurts your partner..I feel for sure..a person will feel guilty about it(In other terms cheating )..If the person is not satisfied..Yes they do fantazise..its just kind of hypothetical question..but well ! something normal and acceptable..

[EssexMan]

if my partner was thinking about others while he was physically with me( like during sex) i would be mad! infact i think most people would be mad

 

Oh yeah, certainly. I guess if an image pops into someone's head they can't help it, but if they're routinely or deliberately fantasising about someone else when you're actually together, that would be a bad sign.