Scared and lost :-(

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I have been sexually active for 15 years. I have never been promiscuous. I have only had a handful of partners. All long term Partners.

 

I have tried condoms. I can't stand them.

 

I have tried birth control pills. I had the worst side effects.

 

So, for the majority of my sex life, I have been using the "pull out method" It never seemed to fail. I did have had a couple of scares throughout the years, however it always turned out fine. I'm sure most people reading this are thinking "The pull out method is not exactly a good form of birth control." And I don't blame anyone for thinking that. However, since it has worked for me for 15 years, I will disagree. Or, perhaps up until now I have just been "lucky"

 

In the last couple of weeks, I "felt" my period coming. My boobs were a little tender. the usual. But it was late. (Which is normal for me since I am so stressed) I didn't really think much of it. I thought it was coming any day. Monday night I went to the drug store. I'm not sure what was wrong, but I felt really off. Something inside me decided to get a pregnancy test. I am not even sure why? Like I said thought I felt my period coming.

 

I went home. Went right to the bathroom to take the test. And what do you know. ..It was positive. It was the EPT digital. It said PREGNANT. I stood there staring at it. Waiting for the not part to show up. I could not believe my eyes. My boyfriend just came home from work. He didn't even know what I was doing. He knocked on the door. I didn't even say anything. I just stood in the bathroom in silence for about 5 minutes staring at the word... pregnant. In shock and disbelief. I don't even think I was thinking. Just dumbfounded. I opened the door, and I told him. He gave me a hug and smiled. He was happy!! He was excited!! I can't believe it.

 

After much pondering to myself about how this could have happened!?? It came to me. I remembered. About one month ago, we just finished having sex. He came just a TINY bit on my stomach. Then my vagina was a little sticky. It seemed like it was his juices not mine. I EVEN asked him if he came in me at all. He said no, and that was that. I had to of known. That's why I asked. I should have take the Emergency pill right there. I just took his word for it, and didn't even think about it. So, in reality, It wasn't the "pull out method" that failed. It was my boyfriend failing to pull out in time.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. We lived together for a year. We just moved home with out PARENTS at ages 30, and 31 years old because we had to save and couldn't afford it. We have no money. None. I don't even have insurance. I'm working on getting a domestic partnership insurance through his job. That can take months. My first appointed next week is going to cost me $600. I don't have $600. That is just one of many appointments. I have nothing.

 

I was just going to break up with my boyfriend last week, because he is an alcoholic. Now we are having a baby?

 

Sure, it is not like we are 16. We are grown adults. But we in no way financially or emotionally ready to have a baby. Our relationship is not where it needs to be. I am so lost. I don't even know if I want a baby. We've talked it over and I have been so back and forth with the baby thing. I told him just a few weeks ago, AT LEAST 3 years IF we have a baby. He keeps saying "when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade" I am so shocked that he is so positive about this and wants this.

 

I don't want this. I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want a baby. At least right now. I don't want to go through labor. None of it. I don't think I am capable of being a great mom. I am not motherly. I am independent. I'm spontaneous. I travel for work. I don't even like being around other peoples babies. I don't even think I have ever held a baby. Besides, this won't be a baby for long. It's a person. A person that would depend on ME for the rest of their life. Probably to grow up and hate me because I couldn't give them everything.

 

I always thought if this ever happened, I would just have an abortion. But even though right now this "baby" inside of me is just cells forming. I feel like it has a soul. I don't think I can do it. I never thought I would feel that way. Adoption is something I would never do. Where does this leave me? Have a baby. I don't want to have this baby. I am not ready. I have never been so scared in my life. I don't know anything about pregnancy. I am a vegetarian. That is another thing. If I have this baby, I don't want to feed them meat. I feel very strongly about that. My boyfriend says there is no way he won't give them meat. Even the is the last thing right now I should be worried about, how do you compromise on something so big?

 

I have never been so scared in my life. I have 3 choices, and I don't want any of them.

[Seraphim]

There are many people who cannot have children who would love to have a child ,since you don't want one adoption seems like a good choice. Your child would still have a chance at their life and probably a happy one too. Putting up a child for adoption I think is the most loving and selfless thing to do.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

There are many people who cannot have children who would love to have a child ,since you don't want one adoption seems like a good choice. Your child would still have a chance at their life and probably a happy one too. Putting up a child for adoption I think is the most loving and selfless thing to do.

 

I understand that and sympathize with woman who cannot have children. However, I personally would never put my child up for adoption. If I have this baby, and I have to sacrifice everything else in my life to give them a good life, I would do whatever it takes. To me, adoption is abandoning my child. I would never have anyone else raise my child.

[Seraphim]

If that is how you feel then you know what your choice is. You want your child.

[OptomisticGirl]

Don't be too hard on your BF - the 'sticky' stuff you felt very well could have been pre-cum (which has been known to contain sperm) and doesn't happen right before a male orgasms (which is why the pull out method is not reliable). That aside, only you know were you stand in life and what you are able to handle and what you are able to give a child. If you can not see giving your child up for adoption than your two options are abortion or continue with the pregnancy. Both are scary options, each with their own risks and second guessing once you make either decision but you have to make the decision that is best for you and ultimately your child, be that keeping it or aborting.

[Batya33]

I think part of you wanted a baby because of course you had a choice to abstain rather than use the pull out approach (what do you call couples who use the pull out method -parents!) - so now that you are pregnant I would make a choice from the perspective of the best interests of the child -if abortion is not an option then perhaps decide if adoption would be more in the best interests of the child rather than the perspective 'I could never give up my child" - maybe if you think about it from the child's perspective you might have a different view. Or, you might not. I'm just suggesting the perspective, not the solution. I'm a mom of a 3-year old by the way.

[luminousone]

As far as appointments, you could start out at Planned Parenthood to get started. They have a sliding scale and they are very good at working it all through with you.

 

Usually my doctor didn't want me to come in for the first appointment until after the first month, so I am surprised you have an appointment already.

 

In the meantime, until you decide what to do then be sure to eat healthy, take prenatal vitamins, and no drinking or drugs.

 

Sounds like you are in a tough spot but you seem to understand the choices ahead of you very clearly.

 

The choice is yours to make. As far as adoption, keep in mind that you can do an open adoption and your child will benefit from your love as well as stable parents.

 

I know someone that did that and she gets to see her birth son periodically through the year as well as attend his birthday parties. Her birth son benefits from all of the people that love him!

 

You will get through this no matter what you choose.

[jaciej]

You keep saying what you don't want, but not what you want?

 

You are in a position where you have to make a decision, if abortion and adoption is out of the question, then the alternative is to man-up and start preparing for this baby. People have survived on less, the baby won't starve. The problem is you and your attitude towards this child. It seems from your post that you already have an attachment to the "baby", so its time to get yourself and your boyfriend in gear, address the alcoholism and you have 9 months to start saving.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

Don't be too hard on your BF - the 'sticky' stuff you felt very well could have been pre-cum (which has been known to contain sperm) and doesn't happen right before a male orgasms (which is why the pull out method is not reliable). That aside, only you know were you stand in life and what you are able to handle and what you are able to give a child. If you can not see giving your child up for adoption than your two options are abortion or continue with the pregnancy. Both are scary options, each with their own risks and second guessing once you make either decision but you have to make the decision that is best for you and ultimately your child, be that keeping it or aborting.

 

Thank you OG. I am not being hard on him at all. Whether it was pre-cum or he accidentally came a little bit inside me, I know he didn't do purposely. I know that, and not using real protection is a big part my fault as well. I take just as much responsibility. I just never thought this would happen.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I think part of you wanted a baby because of course you had a choice to abstain rather than use the pull out approach (what do you call couples who use the pull out method -parents!) - so now that you are pregnant I would make a choice from the perspective of the best interests of the child -if abortion is not an option then perhaps decide if adoption would be more in the best interests of the child rather than the perspective 'I could never give up my child" - maybe if you think about it from the child's perspective you might have a different view. Or, you might not. I'm just suggesting the perspective, not the solution. I'm a mom of a 3-year old by the way.

 

A part of me has always thought about having a baby in the future. Just not right now. I know the pull out approach isn't the best form of birth control, however studies have shown if done correctly it is almost as effective as a condom. Anyway, it didn't work this time, and I have nobody to blame but myself.

 

As far as adoption, my boyfriends brother is adopted, I have an ex that was adopted, and a girl I went to school with that was adopted.. My boyfriend's brother hates his adoptive mother and doesn't speak with her. My ex has the nicest adoptive parents anyone could ask for. I asked him one time if he would want to know his "real mother" His response was his "real mother was upstairs, and he would never want to see the woman who gave him up" The girl I went to school with was abused, physically and emotionally by her adopted parents, and she is now a drug addict living on the streets. These are just three examples. But it just goes to show, you never know what kind of life your child will have no matter how nice or rich the adoptive parents seem. It is no way shape or form a promise for a good or even a better life. I wouldn't want to take that chance.

 

I would rather be poor and give my child love and happiness to the best of my ability.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I have been thinking about canceling my appointment at the regular doctor and starting out at planned parenthood. My appointment is actually set for 17..so it's a couple weeks away. It will be a lot cheaper I think? at PP, and I am still not 100% about keeping the baby.

 

As I told Batya above. I know adoption is the right choice for many people, but I could never do it. No matter how nice and wealthy the parents could be, everyone has demons, and I don't want my child being raised by people I don't really know, HOPING they have a good life. If I have a child I feel that should be my job. Most of the time, you are not aloud to see your child and you can't even look for them until they are 18? I think. I'm not sure, but I think it would make me feel even worse visiting them a couple times a year. I know I couldn't do it. And my boyfriend would never go for that either. He wants the baby.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

You keep saying what you don't want, but not what you want?

 

You are in a position where you have to make a decision, if abortion and adoption is out of the question, then the alternative is to man-up and start preparing for this baby. People have survived on less, the baby won't starve. The problem is you and your attitude towards this child. It seems from your post that you already have an attachment to the "baby", so its time to get yourself and your boyfriend in gear, address the alcoholism and you have 9 months to start saving.

 

I want to be 25 again. Do things differently. I want to own my own home. Be married. Financially stable and THEN start thinking about having a baby. Obviously, that is not a reality. But that is what I want.

 

And you are right. I do feel attachment to this child-In a way. One of my best friends had an abortion 10 years ago. I called her up and told her about this. The first thing she asked, was what were my first thoughts. My first thoughts were "How am I going to take care of this baby" Her first thoughts were "I need to find an abortion clinic" So I guess that tells me something. A part of me does want this baby. But I am not ready. I am afraid my boyfriend wont get help. I am afraid of going through all of this alone. When reality sinks him, him going on his drinking binges and abandoning us. It's just overwhelming. I can't save. I am living week to week before any doctors bills. I don't know how we can manage.

[jaciej]

Think how you would feel if this baby should suddenly disappear. Would be relieved or disappointed. You have family from what I read. I am not trying to force your hand either way, but you are bound to be shocked, but you talk about caring for the baby and not wanting him/her to grow up with other people...so that baby is now looking to you. Your boyfriend needs to pull his weight, its not all on you, talk to your/his family and see what support they are willing to give, weigh up all your options, please do not rush into a decision just because of finances. Money helps but love and support will always pull you through in the long run.

[Seraphim]

I agree. Do not make snap decisions while you are in shock. Check around see what support actually IS available to you.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

Think how you would feel if this baby should suddenly disappear. Would be relieved or disappointed. You have family from what I read. I am not trying to force your hand either way, but you are bound to be shocked, but you talk about caring for the baby and not wanting him/her to grow up with other people...so that baby is now looking to you. Your boyfriend needs to pull his weight, its not all on you, talk to your/his family and see what support they are willing to give, weigh up all your options, please do not rush into a decision just because of finances. Money helps but love and support will always pull you through in the long run.

 

If I were to wake up tomorrow and had this been all a dream, I would feel more relieved than I ever have in my life.

 

My family

 

My mom- I've been living with her. She has beginning stages of alztheimer's. She is not all there. Denies it, and won't get help. Very frustrating. She will not support me in any way.

 

My father- Who lives out of state. He is the only one I have told so far in my family. He said I deserve much more than what my boyfriend has to give me. He is so hurt how my bf has emotionally abused me. If I have this baby I will be setting for a life much less than what I deserve. ...But he supports me either way.

 

My brother. He lives 2 hours away. Works 15 hours a day. We are somewhat close. I'm not sure how he will feel.

 

That is my family. Well and my moms brother who lives out of state that I haven't spoken with, and my dads side of the family that he stopped speaking with many years ago that I have no relationship with. It's quite sad, really lol.

 

My boyfriend however has a huge family. I know they would be very supportive.

[luminousone]

Laura, It sounds like you are working it all through. Each time you respond, I think you are figuring things out. Just remember that this little child deserves and needs to be completely and totally loved, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. Sounds like there are family members on both sides that can be of help and support.

 

If your bf is an alcoholic, obviously that would not be a healthy environment for your child. Perhaps this will be the catalyst for him to quit drinking and get help?

 

Either way, you are not required to stay with him just because you share a baby together. Remember that. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, then the baby's safety and well being takes precedence now over anything. Second of importance or perhaps equal - is that you must take care of yourself. And you can let your bf know that.

 

I know it is all a shock. You are in the stages of processing all of the options, and trying different scenarios on for size. Yes, money is important. But I love how you said that it is more important to provide a loving environment for your child than it is to have a bunch of money.

 

As far as Planned Parenthood, they had a sliding scale many years ago when I went there and sometimes that meant just paying a few dollars. The economy has certainly changed, but I believe money won't be an issue there, so definitely consider going there.

 

Whatever you choose will be the right decision, as long as you do your homework and really think things through carefully.

[bulletproof]

I know that at your age, you don't want to be living with your mother. But is there any way that maybe this living situation could end up working for you? Your mom sounds like she needs a bit of care from you, and she can probably help you a little with the baby.

 

Regardless of what decision you make, if your boyfriend is an emotionally abusive alcoholic, you need to end it, or at the very least tell him he needs to start getting help with this now. So that by the time the baby comes, he will be able to be a better partner and father. And if you decide to get an abortion, then you still shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you well.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

Thank you I don't think I am figuring it out though lol. I am sitting here at work holding back from having a nervous breakdown. It's like my head is telling me to run to the nearest abortion clinic and just wait a few years if I decide to have a baby.

 

My heart is telling me I am not allowed to do that, that this is my child.

 

I have always been pro choice. Thinking it was no big deal. Now I feel differently. I feel like if I go through with it, I will regret it forever.

 

My boyfriend is a binge drinker. I made a couple of threads about it just...last week actually lol. He has a serious problem. i told him that he needs to stop this now if we are going to have a baby on the way. He agreed, and actually sounded serious.... but I don't think I believe him. I can't be going through that kind of stress being pregnant, and raising a baby.

 

I am going to go to PP first and hopefully the insurance will be all figured out soon.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I know that at your age, you don't want to be living with your mother. But is there any way that maybe this living situation could end up working for you? Your mom sounds like she needs a bit of care from you, and she can probably help you a little with the baby.

 

Regardless of what decision you make, if your boyfriend is an emotionally abusive alcoholic, you need to end it, or at the very least tell him he needs to start getting help with this now. So that by the time the baby comes, he will be able to be a better partner and father. And if you decide to get an abortion, then you still shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you well.

 

Well the thing with my mother. I love her dearly. She has done so much for me, and I appreciate that and she has one of the biggest hearts I know. With that said, we have never been very close. She is only 60, but she has a severe memory loss. She forgets where she puts everything, forgets to turn the stove off, repeats herself constantly, forgets things people tell her. I've told her to go to the doctor but she says it just comes with old age. Trust me, it is much more than that. I feel REALLY horrible saying this. I don't think I would even want her to watch the baby by herself. It's that bad.

 

My boyfriend said....he wants to buy a house before the baby comes? Unless we win the lottery I don't see that happening haha. We would rent another place though. How? I do not know. I just can't stay with my mom.

 

His problem is REALLY hard to describe. For the most part he does treat me well and I love him. It is just when he goes out on these binges. he has put me through a lot. I told him I can't go through with it anymore. He said he is going to stop. Maybe a child will change him? I don't know. I hope...

[bulletproof]

Maybe a child will change him? I don't know. I hope...

 

He needs to change for himself- the child doesn't change him. You need to be really firm about this. You cannot waver. If you're keeping the baby, he starts some kind of treatment now. That can be AA, whatever, but having him around a baby when he's been binge drinking is dangerous and irresponsible, as you know.

 

Please don't move in with your boyfriend just because the situation with your mother is tough. It will take a long time for him to work on his issues.

 

And maybe you should also look into some kind of care for your mother. If she is that forgetful, she shouldn't be there alone.

[hers]

It is unrealistic to think that a baby will change your boyfriend. BABIES DONT FIX RELATIONSHIPS or bad habits or immaturity. You are gambling with a life. That is not fair to the person who won't have that choice.

 

You made an adult decision to have unprotected sex and you must be an adult about this. Your posts make you sound like a teenager who's been duped on prom night. Your boyfriend will not stop drinking until he's ready. Doesnt matter how he drinks or how often. He won't stop if he doesn't want to. The life of a child is not something to mess around with.

 

If you don't think you can do this, then you can abort your child. Don't bring a child into a disease-filled existence and hope your boyfriend will be fixed. Life doesn't work that way. Grown up decisions call for more grown up decisions. Own up to it and decide something that is best for the child and not for your unhealthyrelationship.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

He needs to change for himself- the child doesn't change him. You need to be really firm about this. You cannot waver. If you're keeping the baby, he starts some kind of treatment now. That can be AA, whatever, but having him around a baby when he's been binge drinking is dangerous and irresponsible, as you know.

 

Please don't move in with your boyfriend just because the situation with your mother is tough. It will take a long time for him to work on his issues.

 

And maybe you should also look into some kind of care for your mother. If she is that forgetful, she shouldn't be there alone.

 

Oh I know. We had a long talk yesterday. Well really me "lecturing" him. I told him, that his drinking has affected his relationship with me, his family, his own well being, jeopardized his job, and that enough is enough. I told him now if he has a baby on the way he NEEDS to man up take responsibility and get the help he needs. He yes'd me to death, but I still don't think he gets it.

 

I can't stay with my mom. She was very keen on me staying home for no more than 6 months. She is going to be furious when I tell her. It won't be good. I am 30 years old, but she treats me like I am a teenager. I'm going to have to move in with my boyfriend and hope for the best.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I think people can change for the better when it comes to having a child. Looking around everyday at so many unfit parents, that is obviously not always the case. It can however happen. I hope it does in this case. He has a disease. he is not violent or do I think he would give my child a bad life. Everyone has issues. Some bigger than others.

 

All of my posts are focused on my pregnancy and protecting my child if I have it. Not protecting my relationship. I do want my relationship to work, but that is not based on my decision to have the child.

 

Just because I made a mistake and I am having a hard time with it, does not make sound like a teenager. I find offense to that. I am here for HELP not to be put down. Don't you think I feel bad enough?

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with Hers in that the way you talk about this child maybe changing your boyfriend does, in many ways, come accross the same way a teenager would talk about how they are 'in love' when all those around them know it's actually puppy love. Babies don't change people - people with the disease your boyfriend has won't change for anyone BUT themselves, nor should they. Hers has vast knowledge when it comes to how alcoholism effects both the alcoholic and those closest to them - I'd really take her advice to heart and listen. As I said, people with his disease will not fully, 100% change until they themselves want to, and it's never because of someone else - they get to the rock bottom and end up wanting to change for themselves. Do you really want to make a decision on whether to keep your child or abort based on 'it MAY happen?' when in regard to the child's father's disease?

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

My boyfriend has a disease. Whether he will get or not get he gets the help he needs, I don't know. When you LOVE someone with your whole heart, you stick by their side. Maybe, I will have to walk away from him one day if he doesn't get help. I was close last week. It doesn't mean I don't love him or that it's puppy love. It's not easy. It's real love, and I am choosing to stay by his side and hope he gets the help he needs. I think a child could possibly change his ways. I never said it would.

 

As far as this baby, it is a hard decision for me no matter what. If he were continue this, it would make mine and the babies world a whole lot harder. That is not to say the baby would live in a disease filled life. That is really harsh. My decision is not based on my boyfriends addiction.