Scared and lost :-(

[OptomisticGirl]

LauraBear, I never said your love was puppy love. However I still think it's dangerous ground to think even possibly that a child can simply make him change his ways - mostly because that is giving yourself false hope and if the times come were you may have to walk away, it's going to make it harder.

 

Directly no, but you may decide to keep the child and as a by product HOPE it will change it's father's life. That is were the decision in this becomes gray and murky when you let yourself hope for even a minute the child could change it's father's life. Because if that happens, and you keep the child, you then have to recognize you will FOREVER be linked to this man. He will have rights to his child, you will forever have to interact with him because you share a child... it won't be as simple as walking out the door if you weren't pregnant. That is the only reason I believe one should not even hope that a child could change someone else because in the end, it always ends up hurting the one who is wishing for it the most.

 

You have a difficult decision to make, and we are here for support.

[hers]

Your boyfriend has a disease. This is true. But you also have your own disease. That is, you have been affected by his and it has altered your thinking an way of living.

 

If he had cancer and refused treatment, wouldn't you still feel angry, sad, and at a loss? It's the same here. You are affected by his alcoholism just like you'd be affected by his refusing cancer treatment. And a child would be too.

 

It's not harsh. Not in my opinion. Sorry if it is in yours. But you can't make life decisions on maybes, not when an innocent kid comes into the mix. You can do that with your life but it's not right to do that to someone who doesn't have a choice.

 

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and it's made my life hell. I wish sometimes she wouldn't have made the decision to have us bc I didn get a choice when it came to her drinking. Luckily with Alanon, I've been able to work past that but not without a lot of hatred and anger in my bones first. No kid deserves that.

[Seraphim]

Laura,

 

My father has a disease too. He is bipolar and has Borderline Personality Disorder. My mother felt as you did. Hang by someone no matter what because it is a disease. I can tell you my brother and mother and I had a HELL of a life. It almost literally killed my mother. Almost very literally. We paid for our mother's decision to stay with someone with a disease. Yes, SOME people CAN change but they have to want to first of all. Second, they need to go get the skills and the support they need to overcome it. If he does not you are condemning your child to something you do not know.

 

I love my mom dearly, very dearly and we have a very good relationship but she still made a very horrendous mistake staying with him. I am in therapy now for her mistakes. I do not blame my mother because she did the best with what she had and she was barely out of her teens when I was born.

 

Find out what your life would be like. You have MUCH more advantages than my mother had. She was 18 when she got married and she was 20 when she came a mother. There was very little known about mental illness a very very little sympathy for it when my dad was young and little help.

 

They know SO much about alcoholism now. You do not have to be living with him to have a child together. You can co parent. I am not telling you not to have your baby but to consider if you want to be with him.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

Thank you.

 

I wouldn't be having this child for the reason it would make our relationship better and he would get help. i hope he gets help if we have the baby or not. I just think the baby might give him that extra push he needs. No matter what, if I have this baby, I will love them unconditionally and give them the best life I possibly can.

[OptomisticGirl]

Thank you.

 

I wouldn't be having this child for the reason it would make our relationship better and he would get help. i hope he gets help if we have the baby or not. I just think the baby might give him that extra push he needs. No matter what, if I have this baby, I will love them unconditionally and give them the best life I possibly can.

 

I know you would LauraBear, but many of us (and Hers has said it the best out of all of us) - this child will not give him that extra push. It may initiate a FALSE extra push in which he feels like he has to act x, y, and z but in months or years, he will go back to his old ways because it wasn't a change he made for HIMSELF, it's a change he possibly could make for his child. Changes we make for others never last, it's when we change for ourselves that they truly work.

[hers]

You said previously you have no choice but to move in with your boyfriend. What are the reasons there? Are you able to live alone?

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

So, you are basically saying your mother should have aborted you because she's an alcoholic? I am sorry you had to grow up with that. I truly am. I can relate. My father was an abusive drug addict who physically hit me, and made my life living hell until I was about 15. He then went to prison from the time I was 17 to 21. He stopped doing drugs, and now we have a decent relationship. Do I resent him for everything? Absolutely. Could my childhood have been better? Without a doubt. But I am happy I am alive, and I am stronger today because of everything I went through.

 

Would I want my child to go through what I did...? HELL NO! My boyfriends alcohol problem is bad, but he WOULD be a good father. I know that he would. He would NEVER abuse our child or put our child in any danger. When things get bad, would he go out drinking and leave for a day. I think so. I'm not downplaying his addiction, but his alcoholism differs from most. It has hurt me more than anything ever has, but he would be a good father.

[Seraphim]

Then you understand what we mean Laura. This is why you REALLY have to think here.

[hers]

Then you know what i mean. Youreally need to get to Alanon. You have so much to work through and find out. You can live a very content life with an active addict but not without help.

 

Functional alcoholics still provide and participate in their family lives but alcoholism still affects people. Alcoholism does not equal abuse. Not at all. But it sill skews others' ways of thinking in drastic ways.

[Batya33]

I was responding to your ambivalence in your original post -I thought you were trying to make a decision but now I see you already have. I think it sounds dangerous to leave a baby or small child in the care of an alcoholic, but that's just me.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I was responding to your ambivalence in your original post -I thought you were trying to make a decision but now I see you already have. I think it sounds dangerous to leave a baby or small child in the care of an alcoholic, but that's just me.

 

Wow... I am still trying to make a decision, & he is a binge drinker. It is a real problem, but he LEAVES and goes out drinking. He doesn't drink at home and wouldn't drink around the baby. He would not be dangerous to the baby.

[Seraphim]

Wow... I am still trying to make a decision, & he is a binge drinker. It is a real problem, but he LEAVES and goes out drinking. He doesn't drink at home and wouldn't drink around the baby. He would not be dangerous to the baby.

 

Laura what you're not getting is that this does change people's lives. Binge drinker or not going out or not this is still going to change your baby's life. My grandfather was a functioning alcoholic in that he only drank on the weekends. But he would drink so much he would black out. My grandfather was the sweetest kindest gentlest man there was. He never missed a day's work. But you know what my mother and her brother still have issues to this day and they are in their 60s because their dad was an alcoholic. My grandfather's been gone for almost 40 years now and they still have problems. My uncle is now an alcoholic. If you think this won't affect your baby I'm afraid you're seeing it through very rose-colored glasses.

[OptomisticGirl]

The worst thing you can do for him - and your child if you keep him/her - is to think he is only an alcoholic when he goes out to drink. He is an alcoholic every SECOND of EVERY day, he does not have an off time that he isn't - that is what we call a functioning alcoholic. I really think you need to seek counseling as a person in the life of an alcoholic because its all coming out excuses for him after excuse. I didn't have drug addiction or alcoholism in my family but my father was a physical abuser to my mother, I, an my siblings and the same mentality applied to me - he was not a abuser only when he was hitting us, he was an abuser 24/7. As a child I made excuses for him - he was a good father when e wasn't hitting me so he wasn't an abuser. Fact was, he was, he was just a functioning abuser.

[hers]

Last week you were ready to leave him and this week you believe he'll change bc you're pregnant. You say you're not using a baby to fix your relationship but you very much are.

 

Drinking also hurts people mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Whether it's behind closed doors or not. Your child will grow up seeing it and knowing it's there. It'll be the elephant in the room, even if the kid never sees the man actually drink. It's there. And it can alter a person's views on relationships, responsibilities, etc. It's the whole reason children of addicts and alcoholics grow up to find a mate who is like their addict parent (guess what? You did. I have too). Bc the chaos is familiar and comfortable, even if it's hated. So a cycle will

Continue. Why would you be ok with your child having a life of chaos, to the point where it doesn't know anything else and it could very well seek it out even Long after the parent is gone?

[Seraphim]

I agree and the cycle never ends unless you put an end to it. Because my mother had chaos at home she found a man who would provide chaos in the fact that he was mentally ill. That in turn provided chaos for her children. Also because my mother's a child of an alcoholic she has severe problems with being a control freak. This puts strain on all her relationships because she loves to control things that other people do. Then I went on to meet a man with severe emotional difficulties. See the pattern forming here? Now my husband is a million times better than what he used to be but I'm sure it has impacted our son nonetheless. I am also another control freak who likes to control everything that people do. Where did I learn this yes from my mother and from my own chaotic life. I am now seeing the same control freak behavior in my son. Where is he learning it from ? Yes from me. See how everything intertwines?

 

On another note you think that because your boyfriend will go out to drink your child won't know? Children are not stupid. Even as toddlers they know more than you think they know. So don't think you will be fooling your child.

[OptomisticGirl]

 

On another note you think that because your boyfriend will go out to drink your child won't know? Children are not stupid. Even as toddlers they know more than you think they know. So don't think you will be fooling your child.

 

And your child won't remain a 'baby' forever - they will grow into little people who interact with your boyfriend. And for a lot of people, that itself becomes a trigger to whatever their abuse is. My father never hit my mother until I was around 3 years old when I was able to talk back and interact, for him that was just a trigger.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

Laura what you're not getting is that this does change people's lives. Binge drinker or not going out or not this is still going to change your baby's life. My grandfather was a functioning alcoholic in that he only drank on the weekends. But he would drink so much he would black out. My grandfather was the sweetest kindest gentlest man there was. He never missed a day's work. But you know what my mother and her brother still have issues to this day and they are in their 60s because their dad was an alcoholic. My grandfather's been gone for almost 40 years now and they still have problems. My uncle is now an alcoholic. If you think this won't affect your baby I'm afraid you're seeing it through very rose-colored glasses.

 

 

My best friends father was murdered. Half of my friends parents and family have ended in divorce. The ones the are still together most of them have gone through affairs. Like I said, my own father was an abusive drug addict. My step moms step father blew his brains out in front of her. One of my ex's was molested by his step father for years. I can go on and on. This has affected all of them in horrible ways. According to you, none of them should have been born to save them from the pain and suffering? Well guess what, life is filled with pain and suffering. That is life. Read the paper. How many good stories to you read? Not many. That's for sure. There is no such thing as a Brady bunch family. Everyone has issues big and small growing up that will affect them for the rest of their lives.

 

If I am going to be a mother, I will do everything in my power to protect my child from heartache. i hope more than anything my boyfriend stops his behavior. If he doesn't I am not staying. And I can tell you he would never drink around that child. If their father going out once a month to get blackout drunk is the worst of my childs problems, I would be very happy compared to all of the other messed up horrible things happen in this world.

[hers]

Yep Vic that's hoe I am too. I also have major intimacy issues that comes from my upbringing. Meaning it is very difficult for me to even kiss my husband let alone feel very in love with him. He is not an addict at all but we do have issues and it's crippling to our marriage. I don't know how to be close to someone easily bc I grew up around people close to me who couldn't provide much affection toward me so it's foreign now. It's strained my marriage and my marriage has no addiction whatsoever in it.

[hers]

We aren't saying the kid shouldn be born but you're choosing to bring a kid into chaos. Murder, divorce, suicide, most people don't choose to subject a child to that.

Have the child if you will be don't let it be around your boyfriend whatsoever unless he's sober. And I don't mean sober 5 days out of 7. I mean completely dry and in recovery.

 

You desperately need help for yourself bc you can affect your child more than you think you will bc you've been severely affected by all of this and it's skewed your world also.

 

Your denial is crippling.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

A functional alcoholic is much different than a binge drinker. A functioning alcoholic is someone who usually drinks everyday and is drunk, but doesn't show signs of being drunk. Goes to work, and it doesn't really affect their day to day life. My bf usually drinks when things go wrong, or if he is out with his friends, he doesn't know how to stop. he uses it as an escape. Once he has a couple he doesn't know how to stop. He wouldn't drink around the baby. It's not a question. I know he wouldn't. he is an alcoholic, right now and if he stops he will still be in 20 years. He said he is going to get help. He did research yesterday. He is going to AA and going to see a therapist. I hope he gets the help he needs.

 

I am very sorry about your father. I went through the same thing. And you are right, he was never a good father.

[Seraphim]

Look, never in any of my posts have I told you to have an abortion. First off I do not believe in them. I am only telling you that you are going to make your child's life difficult and harder than it has to be and you can be a single mother and your child will be better off for it.

 

I am no stranger to heart ache. Believe me. I was molested and raped and beaten by 5 different people from 6 to 13. I was raped as an adult. I was mentally, emotionally and physically abused by my father. He ignored us, he kidnapped us from our mother and starved and neglected us. Am I happy to be alive?? You are darned right I am. And I have done none of things to my child that was done to me. Am I a perfect parent? Well no, no one can be. But I am telling you there is no way you will save your child from heart ache if you do this.

[CaliforniaGirl2222]

I was going to leave him last week. I decided to stay with him BEFORE I found out I was pregnant. How am I using a baby to fix our relationship? All I am saying as he REALLY wants this, and having a baby is a life changing experience and I think he can give him the extra kick he needs.

[hers]

Binge drinkers are still alcoholics. It's not about how often or how much they drink. It's about how they drink and how it affects others and their lives. Quality, not quantity

[hers]

It's not life changing in the way you hope it will be.

[OptomisticGirl]

He's still classified as a functional alcoholic because his drinking doesn't affect his day to day life (as you yourself have said), he's just a different type of functioning alcoholic. Labels aside, he's still, at the heart of it all, an alcoholic. Doesn't matter what kind.