Someone please help me understand my... ex?

[LesTee]

Ok I am just going to explain what happened. I am sure looking back I have done some really stupid things- but that doenst change the fact that i just feel bad. I am using the name Fred cause i think that will make it easier to type out straigh- and no that isnt his real name. And btw we are both 23.

 

Over the past couple of months Fred had been getting to where he didnt want to be cuddling, touch, kiss, or even have sex. At one point I even asked him about it and he acted like he hadnt noticed it had been that long. Well I tried talking, and so on. Nothing. I even bought that little kama sutra game that is supposed to help you communicate. He looked at the box and was like "what the @#$* is this" So needless to say it never got played. We went to dinner a couple of weeks ago and his mom and stepdad asked when we were going to get married. A few days later his dad asked the same thing. Also a couple other people have asked. Fred then told me how that he had dated me longer than any other girl and that he just felt smothered sometimes. But he didnt know what to do to fix it.

 

this past sunday Fred told me that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. We have been together almost 3 years (next month) He told me it was nothing I had done, and that it wasnt another girl. Well we live together. So that has complicated things. For various reasons as of now we are neither one able to move out.

 

Here is where it gets complicated. We still sleep together in the same bed. Since breaking up he has actually wanted to touch me, or hug me, and we have had sex. I dont understand his affecition now, when a few days ago there were none. Also I asked him what his parents had said about us breaking up. He has not told them. He sees his parents almost daily- but hasnt mentioned anything to them. All of his online profiles say he is in a relationship. He has told NO ONE. I guess that is odd to me.

 

I forgot yesterday and asked him about going sking- he looked at me and said "so are you going to take me or a new guy" And he made a similar comment at another time. When I ask him he says he is just joking and doesnt mean it.

 

He still calls me babe, still wants to hug me, still wants to do all the things we done before we broke up- and at some points even acts more like a boyfriend that he did before. Also he asked me what I would like our our would-be anniversary next month. He told me there was no reason he couldnt just get me something to celebrate what would have been 3 great years.

 

So is he just seeing himself as a REALLY good friend? Or as a boyfriend? I really do love him and care for him- but i just dont know what to do. I have asked him about the break up thing- I even asked earlier today- he told me he still didnt want to be in a relationship. Like today he had to go somewhere- he come to see me before he left, called to tell me he had made it, and to ask if i was ok, and told me he would call before he left to come home, and would call when he got back into town to make sure i wasnt hungry or needed anything.

 

Ok- so enough rambling. If you need more info just ask- I didnt want to write a whole book on the first posting. Thanks

[crookster_man]

Your man sounds very confused. Prehapps he is afraid of the commitment required of a "relationship" HE might be assuming that if he dates your for 3 + years that you are getting married for sure. Maybe he is scared of the idea of being "stuck" with one person the rest of his life.

 

Prehaps the reason he is acting much better now is because the presure is off. since he isn't "condemed" to marriage he is able to better enjoy himself and act the way he is feeling.

 

does any of this make sense? Honestly the only solution to this is to talk it over. If he wants to break up with you because there is a problem he should tell you it. If he's just afraid to commit then you need to be supportive of him and help show him that being with you isn't a death sentence but in fact a blessing.

 

Communication is the only way you will get past this. I wish you luck.

[savannahohsavannah]

Kick his butt to the curb tonight!!!! I'm completely serious. Did you say you are both 23? He's giving you a clue, follow up on it. He's not ready for a full time commitment. Give it up and go out with another fella. He'll either A, come around, or B, breathe a sigh of relief and leave. Can you move out and live with parents or pals? Don't feel that you owe him anything. You don't. Give your landlord the heads up and ask to get out of your lease. Or if that doesn't work go to the local small claims court and do a reverse civil order seeking to break your lease. I think you should leave this fella in the dirt.

[savannahohsavannah]

Sleeping in the same bed with this fella is tatamount to self-abuse! Don't do it! Get out now while you have a shred of self-respect.

[cassiana]

I think the pressure being put on him to get married and the enormity of this commitment made him dump you. Also at 23 hes probably thinking he should have a bit more experience of the world before he settles down. If that's how he feels fine but DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. Get him out of your bed and do not ley him touch you. If he wants that he has to be your boyfriend. At this moment you are not and if he ever changes your mind he must woo you back. He will take you for granted and you will ose him forever if you continue to let him have his cake and eat it.

[DragonGirl724]

keep ur distance he is young confused, pressure by a relationship (commitment phobia ) & doesnt know what he wants. my ex broke up with me (his ideal girl) 3 days after he practically purposed to me & expressed his vulnerability & love he felt with me & he ended our relationship for the same reasons & internal unhappiness with himself... ugh* talk about a rollercoaster ride hun be honest & talk to him. hopefully he will open up to you. & tell him 'if he needs space to figure himself out then fine lets talk down the line. i want this to work & if u are unsure then take time to figure it out ull know soon enough.' this time alone will work wonders this is the NC rule. itll give u guys time apart, get your thoughts together. & quite honestly u may come to relize YOU dont want to be with a 'man' whos so unsure of himself & wat he wants with his future....

 

time will tell i guess. it may be a harsh reality, but a reality none the less.

 

-DG724

[LesTee]

Oh yea. I forgot to mention. We have been engaged for over a year. His idea- he asked. That is another reason his mom was asking when we were getting amrried. The main reason we live together is because we can neither one afford to live alone. We live in a college town and rent is outrageous.

Today he made some comments about me finding a new guy- and asking how my new boyfriend was going to take it.

I am starting to try to find somewhere to crash til i can get back on my feet- my parents are to far away so looking for some friends who will help.

he just says that he didnt wnat to lead me on and make me think he wanted something he doesnt. ugh. but i realize i am never going to find someone until we cut things clean.