Fighting Depression… Does it ever end?

[Pyralis]

Does it ever end? That's a question that I've been asking myself for years. It's been so very long since I've been happy with any aspect of my life. I look to the future and see no end in sight. I feel like it may never end.

 

I've been fighting depression for quite a while now and I'm getting tired, so very, very tired. I think I'm really starting to loose the battle. I look at my life and I am disgusted by what I see. My job? I hate it. My personal life? It sucks. Anything really good going for me in my life? Not really. Most people have their share of good and bad days. I only have bad and worse ones, and lately the worse days have been far outnumbering the bad ones. I look at my life and I notice a severe imbalance. Most "happy" or at least "content" people have a balance between the positive and negative aspects of their lives and it's this balance that makes life bearable. It's not that I have an overwhelming amount of negativity in my life. I don't feel as if I have any more crap to deal with than others around me. It's the severe lack of anything positive in my life that is causing the imbalance. Most people have positive things in their life that help to counteract all of the negative B.S. that gets thrown in their faces every day. Unfortunately I feel as if I have nothing to relieve me of the negativity and it just builds to the point of becoming overwhelming. I don't think I can stand this any longer.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm becoming desperate. Before when anyone would ask what was wrong if I looked depressed I used to say "nothing" and pretend nothing was wrong. I'd just hold the pain inside. Lately I've been finding it harder and harder to contain. Going to work is getting to the point of being unbearable and when I come home I'm too depressed to go out and do anything. I find myself just wallowing in self-pity. I finally admitted to my mom and my co-workers recently that I've been depressed and my mom was completely surprised. I thought that she would have at least suspected that something was wrong. The first thing that my mom and co-workers asked when I told them I was depressed was "why?" I told them that if I knew exactly why I was depressed then I would have probably fixed the problem by now. One of my co-workers suggested that I need a girlfriend to make me feel better, but I doubt that that would be a solution to my problem, I mean sure, it would help alleviate some of the loneliness, but it would only be a band-aid solution. I know that the problem lies with me and I wouldn't want to drag someone else down with me. That wouldn't be fair to her. I know the problem is with me. I need to fix the problem with myself before I even consider trying to look for a relationship. I just don't know where to start.

 

My aunt suggested that I go to a doctor and try to get medication, but that idea just doesn't sit right with me. I don't like the idea of pumping myself full of "happy pills" as a way to cope with this. What happens when my prescription runs out and I come down from my "happy place" in the clouds? If anything I'll probably end up feeling lower than I did before. I would go to a shrink and get my head examined, but I would be so embarrassed to do so. I guess it's a pride thing. I hate to admit to others that I need help. Having to do so makes me feel even worse. On a number of occasions I've even considered suicide. That solution has only ever come up at my lowest points, but I know that it would cause way too much collateral damage. I'd end up hurting my family by killing myself, so that one's out of the question.

 

I don't know. I'm at a loss. I've tried to help myself by trying to dig myself out of the hole I've fallen into, but I feel that I'm getting too weak to fight it anymore. I don't know what to do. Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of situation before? How did you deal with it? Fighting depression… Does it ever end?

[mahlina]

Pyralis...deep post. I'm sorry to hear about the pain that you're going through. You sound like a nice guy. A lot of what you said is true. A girlfriend and happy pills won't correct the problem. They may alleviate your saddness, but ultimately, in the end, it all boils down to what you truly feel inside, your actual tought process. You sound like you're on the right track so far. You're not giving into your depression, which is good. At least you're trying to fight it.

 

My best advice is to engage in activities that motivate you in life. Find things that you're passionate in. If you love sports or nature, or anything that sends an adrenaline rush, then engage in those activities. Perhaps life feels a bit repititious so you feel sad? I don't know, but whatever it is, take good care of yourself. I hope this helps.

[Shinobie]

Iono dude i suffer from depression too and sometimes it just feels like things keep getting worse and worse.But there is always that bright time where u become happy again and regain yourself.Just keep waiting for that because us people who suffer from depression always seem to have those problems that dont feel like they will ever go away.But they will and they should.

[sonjam]

depression. A deep dark lonely place. I know it well.

 

Firstly I want to tell you, that medication is not supposed to be "happy pills". If that is the case, it was prescribed wrongly.

 

Basically (very primitively) what happens is there is seratonin levels in your brain. When you feel depressed, or some life changing event (like losing somoene) happens to you, it uses up this happy hormone in your brain, and your body can not cope with producing enough of it to keep the levels up. What an anti depressant is supposed to do, is just fill it up enough for you body to catch up again, and maintain the level. Thus you are not "in the clouds" but just feeling normal - like you can cope.

 

Often people get the wrong dosage, or the wrong kind of pill. That's why it is never a good idea to go to the GP and ask for it. You should rather go to a shrink. There is, by the way nothing wrong in seeing a therapist, you are not CRAZY

 

If you don't want to go the medication route, why not try some natural remedy like st. johns wort. You can by it at the drugstore, over the counter, and is a natural supplement to your seratonin levels.

 

Doing the girlfriend thing won't help. And i know all about withdrawing from society. I confided in a close friend, and she took it to heart, even if I refused to go out with her, she kinda forced me, and eventually I would come back home, and enjoyed the evening. Before you know it the dark curtain lifted for awhile, and you carry on again.

 

*sigh* I hope you feel better soon.

[boomer1619]

pyralis, hey man, I really do understand what you are going through. I suffer from depression as well as ADD and I am extremely depressed right now. I am fighting it all the way. I take meds for it, and they really do help. I am on new meds right now, so my body is trying to guild the tolerence it needs so that hopefully, i can cope again, but I just got to hang in there long enough to see if it will work. My girlfriend and I just broke up so that doesnt help either. please hang in there my friend, and seriously consider getting some help from a doctor. I have been cring all day long, but I keep emailing my mother to comunicate with someone when I am feeling this down. it really helps me. Talk to anyone who wll listen, including people on this post. This site really is a great medicine alkl in its own. Peace be with you my friend

[Pyralis]

Hey everyone.

 

Today I checked out my benefits at work and I found out that I am covered for visits to a clinical psychiatrist. It's not much, only a max of 3 visits per year (at $100/hr) then 50% coverage up to $150. So yeah, not much, but at least it's something. I really am considering going that route. I am also rethinking my position on the medication issue. I'm beginning to think that it may not be so bad.

 

Boomer, I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from both depression and ADD. Do you feel that they are two separate issues or do you think that the one is a direct cause of the other? I ask this because I'm almost 100% certain now that my depression may be caused by a much bigger, all encompassing problem that is several magnitudes more intense than just a simple depression. At least it feels that way.

 

I know that a lot of people say that it's not a good idea to self-diagnose, but I have come to the conclusion that I must have at least some form of Avoidant Personality Disorder. I came to this realization almost half a year ago originally, but an online girlfriend that I had between then and now tried to convince me that wasn't the case. But now that she's gone and I've taken another hard look at myself I am almost certain that this is the case. For anyone not familiar with AvPD, here is a brief description... (Everything I put in bold is something that I struggle with on a constant basis.)

 

Avoidant Personality Disorder

 

Avoidant Personality Disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

 

So as you can see this description fits me like a glove. My depression is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how seriously messed up I am. This is the reason I have no social life and have almost no friends and haven't been involved in a serious relationship yet. I need to figure out how I'm going to slay this demon of all demons before I can grow any further as a person. This affliction has bound me for too long. It has to end, now.

[boomer1619]

Hey pal, it is good that you are researching these things that you feel. You are right, it is not good do self diagnose, but it is something that you can share with the doctor when you visit. It can help the doctor to see what the real problem might be. Now, you will have tp work very closely with your doctore so that the correct treatment can proceed. You might have to experiment with some medicines, only to have to move to something else. This is only because you need to be on a med that makes you feel comfortable. This requires patience, but it really shouldnt take that long so dont be discouraged.

Just know this you can use your frustration to yor advantage, allow it to motivate your every step to recovery. You will still have bad days, but the meds help you cope with the everyday problems with much more ease, and understanding. A lot of people like myself have chemical imbalances, so it is nothing to be ashamed of. Also, the time to be extremely brutally honest about your feelings and experiences is with the doctore, it is the only way to truly and sucessfully diagnose, as well as treat any disorder that you may have. THink of it as an attorney/client priviledge. THey wont tell a soul. You can say anything to your doctor, and you are safe from embarrasment. It might seem weird, but trust me, it is actually a relief to tell them EVERYTHING that os bothering you, and keeping you from getting on with your life in a peaceful manner. Hope this helps, and i forgot to answer your question, but YES, the depression is provoked because of the ADD. It is very common for ADD to carry other disprders, which makes ADD so hard to Diagnose. Take care my friend, continue to seek help, here, with the doctor, and within yourself.

[Pyralis]

Wow, it's been a long time, over a month.

 

I have finally decided to get off of my butt and do something about my condition. I just made an appointment with my family doctor yesterday for December 13th. I plan on going in and telling him about my depression, as well as my very low self-confidence, extremely low self-esteem, and high levels of social anxiety (shyness), etc. He's been our family physician for over 15 years and I think he may be able to help get me started on the road to recovery. I am hoping that he can refer me to a specialist that can really help me to get over this. These problems have been bothering me since I was a little kid and are only getting worse with time.

 

I have been talking to a co-worker of mine who is really supportive and has been through the same kind of problems I am struggling with. She was diagnosed with clinical depression and she thinks that I may be suffering from something similar. She has been on medication for many years and has been seeing a therapist. She used to be a very depressed, shy and withdrawn, but now she's one of the most happy, confident and outgoing people I know. I look up to her as inspiration of what I may be able to achieve and I trust her advice. It's also really great to have someone I can talk to who knows where I'm coming from and understands me. Everyone else just seems to be guessing. She is always willing to talk with me if she notices that I'm feeling down and I thank her so very much for that. She's one in a million, that's for sure. I don't think that I'd be going to the doctor now if it wasn't for her advice and support.

 

Well, my appointment is in eight days, wish me luck.

[mahlina]

You go Pyralis!! Keep it up! I wish you all the best....

 

Mahlina

[arwen]

Hey Pyralis,

 

Good for you. The first step is to admit you need help. I hope you will find some guidance. I would like to say something about the things that you wrote in your initial posting. Before that: I have been depressed for 3 years and survived on medication (mirtazapine or 'Remeron') and therapy. I suffer from an anxiety disorder, and I am still in therapy. I am doing better, but the last months have been tough. Very tough. With the winter coming up and having to let go someone who I started to love twice this year, this period started to become dark again. I am now having more sessions and just started on venlafaxin (we call it 'Efexor').

 

About your post:

1. You say you have no positive things in your life. What I am about to say, I have said to several people here. Depression is (often) not the result of a lack of positive things in your life. Depression can be caused by long term stress, genetic inheritance, anxiety (and of course trauma). The fact that you don't experience positive things in your life is more or less the result of a vicious circle caused by depression. Depression sort of affects your perception of the things in your life. If you weren't depressed you might enjoy your work. If you weren't depressed you would feel a better connection with your friends. Now that you are depressed, you don't feel joy in either of them.

 

In a movie I saw, a woman described being depressed as being stuck under ice. It's cold, you can't move or do anything, you can see the world but not reach it or participate, and through the ice it's all gray. You can already see the parallel: the ice that makes it look gray also makes that you don't want to participate. The way you perceive your life doesn't encourage you to really liveyour life.

 

2. About medication. Don't be scared to get medicines. But I advise you to first have a couple of sessions. First get confortable with the person you are talking to. Medication for depression is like medication for any other reason. I know it feels different and it's commonly regarded different by people. But for yourself it's better to see a depression as a disease. It's not something you are, it's something you are suffering from.

 

I wish you more happiness, feel free to pm me whenever you need!

 

Ilse.

[Pyralis]

Thank you Mahlina and Ilse and thank you to everyone who has replied to my posts. You're all wonderful.

 

I see what you mean about how depression affects my perception of my life. I know that I do have a few positive aspects in my life but my depression doesn't allow me to enjoy those aspects. It all feels so bleak and pointless. It has the effect of making me feel as if there is nothing there at all and makes me long for more. I dunno, maybe if I can get over this the distorting effects of depression will go away and I'll be able to see clearly again.

 

I like your "trapped under the ice" metaphor, Ilse. It describes how I feel so accurately. I do feel trapped. I know that I *could* go out and I *could* meet new people or socialize with the people that I already know, but I feel as if my depression is holding me down. I'm a very shy guy and the thought of going out to a public place like a bar or club or whatever scares me. I'm more of a quiet night at home kind of guy, but unfortunately that's not a great way to meet people. And the ice is a really good metaphor for my distorted, grayed view of my life. Also I feel as if I'm running out of air real quick too. I want to breathe/live so badly, but I can't break through the ice to get to the surface. At least not by myself anyway. I feel like I'm drowning in my own depression. It's getting dark and so very cold.

 

I've had a change of heart about the whole medication thing ever since I talked with my co-worker about her experience going through her depression. I'm not nearly as leery about taking them anymore. I feel that I'll need all the help I can get anyway.

 

Thank you again to all who have posted so far and to the entire eNotAlone community.

[arwen]

I am glad to be of help, pyralis. I think it's a pretty comforting thought to realize that I don't have to change jobs, studies or friends to become happier. It needs work from the inside out, and I can do that myself. That somehow gives me power. I hope you will experience this too. The progress is gradual but steady, but you will get there. Simply because of your positive attitude. That's the first step.

[Pyralis]

I went to my doctor appointment today and I think it went pretty well. I discussed my problems with my doctor for over an hour and we discussed treatment options as well. I told him all about my depression and social anxiety and low self-confidence and low self-esteem. I also told him that these things have been bothering me for many years and have finally reached the point where I cannot deal with it anymore by just ignoring the problem with the hope that it'll just go away on its own. We talked about how medications could help with the social anxiety and depression but the other issues of the low self-confidence and self-esteem have to be worked on by myself or with therapy.

 

I was given a prescription for link removed (sertraline hydrochloride) 50mg, which is an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor) and I was scheduled for a follow up appointment for January 6th to check on my progress and to determine if the medication is working or not and to see if therapy is recommended as well. I have to take one capsule every morning for 30 days and my first dose is tomorrow morning and it may take 2 to 4 weeks to notice an effect.

 

This drug is only to help restore the natural balance of Serotonin in my brain and is only to assist me in getting better by lessening the symptoms of depression and social anxiety. The whole self-confidence/self-esteem thing is up to me to resolve. I may still need therapy to help me in those areas. I really hope these first few steps are the right ones. I really want these problems to end and I want to start living. I want a normal life for once. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.

[arwen]

Hey Pyralis,

 

Good to hear from you again. You took a first step, I am very glad also to read that you did your homework before taking the pills. It's good to know what you are taking inside and how people react. I hope you won't suffer from too many side effects. Read my post on Efexor if you wanna have a good laugh

 

I think you do need therapy to go with the pills. The medication is only meant to give you some distance from the problems, they make you care less, feel less, etc. This is not the solution for the problem.

 

I had a hard way finding the right treatment, as I am fighting these kind of problems since I was 15. I have had therapy for a long time, but never within a sort of institution. I am not institutionalized, I mean I always got meds from the normal doctor (who is not a shrink nor a psychologist) and therapy from an independent therapist. Last year I couldn't afford this therapist anymore and my doctor enrolled me for the institution for mental health care here in my country.

 

For now, me taking medication is PART of my therapy. I started out with cognitive behaviour therapy, the meds came only now, as I felt myself relapsing in depression. This cognitive therapy is really good. I can recommend you a book, I will do so in a pm to you, otherwise it might come accross as commercial here

 

Good luck, and keep us posted. Don't worry if you have side-effects, most of them disappear after the first weeks. When I took mirtazapine (NaSSA: noradrenergic and selective serotonergic antidepressant) I had no real problems except for the gain of weight. Efexor (SNRI: serotonin and noradrenaline reuptake inhibitor) was much heavier in the beginning, but I have a good feeling about it.

 

take care,

 

Ilse.

[Pyralis]

Hey Ilse,

 

Yeah, I did do some homework on some of the different medications available to me. My doctor wanted to start me on Zoloft and see how that goes for a while. I guess mainly for its treatment of both social anxiety and depression. I will definitely be discussing therapy options with him. Around here it can cost about $100 an hour for therapy and my benefits coverage at work is limited to 100% coverage up to $300 and 50% coverage from $300 to $450. There are some places though that charge on a sliding scale based on income and some free treatment options at the local hospital that I could look into. We'll get into all of that on my next visit on Jan 6th. I agree, the meds aren't a solution, just a tool to assist in getting better.

 

I did read your post about Efexor. My co-worker I speak to about these things said that she had some side effects from Zoloft when she first started taking it. She had nausea and other common side effects. She said that they only lasted about a week or two then she was fine. She doesn't use Zoloft anymore. Her doctors and therapists helped her to find the right medication for her. I think she's using Prozac now. I don't know if Zoloft is right for me yet. I'll have to find what is right for me over time, both in the areas of medication and therapy.

 

I wish you good luck with your recovery, Ilse. And thank you for continuing to reply to my thread. If you ever want to use PM or MSN to talk, feel free.

 

You take care too!

 

 

Pyralis