This is just a Jorunal that i am starting to track my behavior and triggers.

[junebug123]

This morning i woke up slightly early than i usually do. I told myself that i was going to bed on time today, also i got my issue resolved with the school so its finalized now i am an online student.

 

I think that was what had been bothering me all alone, the uncertainly of knowing whether i could continue attending classes; well also the unemployment, i am sure my benefits have been cut off, i need to resolve that issue, if that is at all possible. Maybe i was too confident doing nothing all these months feeling like unemployment was going to take care of me forever and not worrying about what to do if my benefits had been cut off. Also, i didn't expect to pay a balance of 322 dollars to my school and i realized i spent way too much money on the trip to PA and the bike stuff in general.

 

Seems, i never learn my lessons about managing money. This cramp in my neck is going to be bothering me forever i feel, i think its been 4 days and it hasn't gone away yet. Karate school is going good thou, we have been doing this ab exercises (almost misspelled that again, lol) and i feel like i am getting in better shape everyday. I think i am going to coney island today to play handball, maybe i will meet some ladies out there.

 

Man, i think all my plans just go shot to sh1t because it started raining. Oh well, at least i don't feel so down anymore, at least for a little while

[junebug123]

The Minutes

 

I feel like its been forever since i posted in this journal. I am ending the starcraft addiction again. I feel like that smoker who has quit for the 17th time already, something i am doing just isn't working. Porn has been back in my life as well. Funny how we set goals we never reach.

 

Recently i realized what i have been missing in my life. Productivity. I am not accomplishing anything, so i feel like time has stopped. My mind feels like this object which is frozen in space, every-time i indulge in starcraft its like i am losing time off my life. Managing time is so hard especially when we have so much of it. People don't realize that time is so precious.

 

Imagine if you used every minute to the best of your ability, the feats you could accomplish. People piss away minutes like they piss away cents, never knowing how many minutes they are wasting and how much time/money they could save if they saved those cents or used those minutes productivity. There are 60 minutes in a hour, 24 hours in a day so there are 1440 minutes in a day. 365 days in a year so 365 times 1440 will give you 525,600. They also say the average human lives about 67 years but in the US its 77 years.

 

Looking up this life expectancy stuff i learned that females live about 4 - 6 years longer than males, and that the US ranks 40th in the world. Really, i think that's good with all the gun violence, obesity, cancer and what not, also we are a larger country so it would be expected to have a lower life expectancy than other countries. What got me depressed was looking at the life expectancy rates of people in Africa. Some of the people there live to about 45 years old, and i am sure that is old for those countries. Could be for a lot a reasons, many aids and diseases like malaria, etc. probably poverty too.

 

Back to my original train of thought, 525,600 times 77 equals 4,071,200 (its 27,000 more minutes if i added the days from the leap years but who cares). That doesn't seem like a lot if you ask me, 4 million minutes is the life span of the average man. Right now i am 27 and that is 35 percent of 77. So i have spent a little over one third of my life already. This means, 35 percent of 4,071,200 is 1,424,920 minutes and remaining is 2,646,280 minutes. This entry has gotten very morbid; yet it breathes truth.

 

In reality i will only spend about 2 third of those minutes conscious because the rest of those minutes will be spent asleep, so really all i have left is 1,746,544 minutes of consciousness. I mean growing up is exciting, you learn how to read, how to write, how to do math, how to dress, bath, eat, fvck, do drugs, earn money, spend money, how to play sports, how to love, hate, feel. What more to life is there, by the time we hit 30 we have learned all the basics, and all we do is teach that information to our spawn in the hopes that they will succeed us in life.

 

Constantly, i am reminding myself of what my meaning in life is, so i know what i am doing and why i am doing it. Sometimes we find ourselves doing things which are of no use to us, things which we aren't passionate about or things which we have been doing for so long that we no longer find happiness in the activity. Marriage can be one of those things, so can work. I ask myself, why do people do things which they do not enjoy, what is the meaning of their existence if it is filled with this unpleasant meaningless life. Why are they living to fulfill someone else's dreams?

 

1,746,544 minutes of consciousness left yet i have already spent 20 those writing this entry which i will be able to read for a life time to come. As for the 360 minutes i spent earlier browsing the web and playing starcraft, those are gone and there will be no memories for those minutes. There was no feeling, no happiness, no point in which anything of importance was learned or loss, no change going on just a minute void. That's what my life has been while playing these games, a blackhole for minutes.

[junebug123]

The Happiness that seeps through the seamS

 

My school called me today to inform me that everything has been handled in terms of my financial situation, and my change of program. I just registered for 7 classes some were for Web game Programming, others were classes i needed to take for my CIS major (computer information systems), the last class is for my senior project. Right now i am really excited, i feel like i have purpose in my life again. Sometimes i wonder if i am really bi-polar because how can i go from feeling so low to feeling like i am high on life.

 

Many of the classes i am taking deal with learning java, building websites, using software like link removed, stuff that i like (not computer security which what was being offered at the New York location). Some of these computing jobs are so boring, i don't understand how anyone could want to become a database administrator or monitor and secure systems all day; to me building games so that people can play them seems like a dream. I have always had a fascination with games since i was a little kid, somehow i feel like becoming a game developer is this dream which was routed in my subconscious before i knew what a developer was.

 

Also, there are a lot of people who are becoming indie game developers now a days because there are tools available for you to distribute the software you create without having to be at the mercy of some conglomerate self serving monster. These semesters coming up are going to be by far the hardest, they will require the most amount of work and the deepest understanding of things which average people can't really wrap their head around. By this point in college there are many people who are either prepared to succeed or prepared to failed based on how much material they retained from their earlier classes. Learning about information technology is different than almost any other major in the sense that all the information being taught is completely new and unfamiliar.

 

Lets like math, science or history for example: all these subjects are taught from grammar school through high-school. If someone wanted to major in English, they would have a basic understanding of it by the time they hit college so learning the more advanced principles of the language wouldn't be a giant leap for them. I remember when i had to take my first programming class, C#. Wow, i never expected to learn a language which i had never seen or used before and be expected to write, read and understand it in 8 weeks. The next language SQL was even harder, and more advanced, we never learned anything about C# or SQL in school so dealing with this programming languages was difficult.

 

Well, i guess that's what makes this process so fvcking exciting is that its a challenge. I just know there will be many sleepless nights in the months to come trying to understand some bug in a code, or doing some lab which seems impossible, lol. Today i have my taekwondo class and on Wednesday i will start sparing, hopefully i will be in proper shape by then. Taekwondo has actually helped me focus and perform better on the handball court, this amazes me because people who used to whoop my ass on the courts are struggling to keep up with me now. I changed my screen position so that now its on top of 5 thick books but i still have this cramp in my neck!

 

Geez, i am writing more right now than i have in the past 3 weeks.

[junebug123]

The reason why it Rains

 

Right now i am bored because it is raining and as usual i can't play handball. Also i am bored because i quit starcraft again, lately i have been thinking that bored is necessary for productivity to commence. If writers and painters never had free time they wouldn't write or paint, they would be busy playing handball and starcraft all day long. What i am lacking right now is passion, i want to be able to enjoy programming, yet it is so boring with no incentives foreseeable in any near future. How did others who came before me love to learn this?

 

Anxiety is building up inside of me like a well full of water. One day i may find a solution to this. Or i may never, who knows.

[junebug123]

It's raining, Again

 

Every time it rains i get so depressed. Maybe this is why i never do anything productive with my time because time not spent playing video games or handball is depressing. Since i quit Facebook and starcraft again, i have been feeling depressed.

 

The other day i made some small progress by going to Starbucks and actually studying and programing a little bit. Also, i found this really nice you-tube channel which has tips on programming in c++. There are of course a bunch of channels, and websites with videos about programming but those all suck, either not being very informative because the person creating the video has a limited understanding of the language or just being boring because the person creating the video has a monotone voice, etc.

 

I am not sure what is worse, depression or anxiety, either way i think i need to go to Starbucks right now to get out of the house. My energy levels are just really low right now thou : (.

[junebug123]

Making decisions not based on emotional energY

 

This is something new for me, its the feeling of doing something your body isn't prepared to do. For example forcing yourself to go to the bathroom even thou you don't need to because you have a long trip ahead and you won't have another opportunity to go in the future. Forcing your body to stay awake even thou you are tired to complete a project. Forcing yourself to lift that weight again even thou your muscles are fatigued. Forcing yourself to leave the bed to get to work early even thou you are extremely tired.

 

Right now, i need to learn to force myself to program or find a job because i am at the end of my rope.

[junebug123]

I feel like i started to spiral into a deep depression. My mood has swung so rapidly since yesterday. It probably has something to do with the fact that i stayed up until 7 in the morning on the computer and that has altered my body chemistry in some form or another.

 

The truth is that i am thinking of this new game now about every 40 seconds and i have been going through a serious withdrawal today. The other day at the handball courts, one of my friends told me that he has never become addicted to cigarettes. This is in-spite of the fact that he smokes about a cigarette a week. So, i asked him don't you ever want to smoke more? He answer was no, when he gets the urge he just decides to do something else instead and eventually he forgets that he ever had the urge to smoke the cigarette in the first place.

 

Surprising how a person 9 years my junior could figure out something so simple and be able to put his explanation into regular practice. I tried to rebuttal this logic by explaining that not everyone is the same, basically saying that we do not all have the same will power as he does. Yet, my rebuttal seemed to fall on deaf ears; almost as he was saying that we all have the same will power without having to say it.

 

This happens in conversations sometimes when someone becomes adamant about trying to prove a point and the other person is at a loss for words. Nothing they say will be able to convince the other person that they are infact wrong so they choose to say nothing allow people to believe whatever they want.

 

I cleaned my room today, washed the dishes and did 4 loads of laundry. This is what happens when i don't self indulge, time seemed to pass by but i didn't notice it because my mind was per-occupied.

[junebug123]

I finally got a job

 

Jesus journal, its been 9 months since i last worked and i finally landed a job at this restaurant riding a bike doing catering. It pays between 12 - 20 dollars an hour and i don't think i will have to work that many hours only 10 am - 3 pm sometimes more i think. I hope that all goes well because i haven't worked in so long and i was losing hope in my ability to perform day to day activities.

 

I am not sure what was going on inside my head, sometimes i feel as thou i am living in a dream world. Somehow i am excited but also nervous, new hardships, friendships, enemies and stresses await me come Monday. Slowly, i will build my confidence back to what it used to be and hopefully i will meet a women soon as well. I feel like the months coming up will determine how i will perform in the future, school and work, its been so long since i handled either and now i am jumping at both at in full force.

[junebug123]

Okay, so im got drunk or at least im getting drunk. Sometimes i feel the need to feel happy in-spite of my emotions and alcohol seems to be a very quick path when it comes to overcoming moods.

[junebug123]

Wow, so basically i went on 1 month binge of playing LoL (league of legends). The good news i deleted the folded a week ago and things have been going swell at my new job. I feel as thou this new job has given me new confidence and additionally, it has provided me with social environment. I am sure the future at work will hold bad days but the thing is, I am actually happy right now and whats more is having a reason get up every day at 7 am is a really nice change of pace. A change from the days of falling asleep at 4 am and waking up at 12 pm.

 

Some could say that i had the ability to do these things all along the job, the sleeping patterns, etc. I guess there is just something about recieving free money which is so hard to turn down, also there needs to be motivation to want to work, hunger will certainly motivate a man. These past 2 weeks i was so broke that i had to ride my bike 10 miles to and from work everyday (20 in total) and eventually injure your knee due to my lack of restraint.

 

*On a side note, my handball game has significantly improved and riding the bike has helped me to loss put on due to my excess inactivity while on unemployment.*

 

Imagine if i actually met a girl and started getting laid, i would be where i was 8 months ago with a girl, and a job. Somehow, i feel as thou i had too much on my plate back then; this is why it all collasped, emotionally i was unable to manage the women, the work and the family (stress). This time around i feel stronger and i realize how unintelligent i was investing so my energy so early on with the ladygirl was, in fact this has always been my downfall. I just plain don't know how to handle women, they always seem to be the undoing of my emotional stability.

 

Chaning the subject, i did 97 push ups today. I was going for 100 but i ed out on 98 (i was like, well this is impossible). Watching a video of a kid who wanted to do 300 pushups inspired me to try it out of the blue . To do 100 pushups, not the 300 pushup, just 100, surprisingly it wasn't as hard as i imagined (300 is probably a little harder). Since i last wrote in this journal i have also increased the amount of weight which i lift. I am now lifting 35 for bicep curls and 50 for chest press (each dumbell), my goal is to get to 50 for curls and 75 for chest press. Also, i have noticed my arms and chest have become sligtly larger (which is nice ).

 

Well, im going to watch naruto now before i go to bed, i missed your journal; have you missed me? Just a little ;-P okay.

 

Wow, i just saw this video of this kid who does 300 pushups in a row, i stopped watching 3 minutes into it because well, its boring to watch a little kid do 300 pushups, also i felt bad for him too.

[junebug123]

The other night i had one of my strange drug dreams. I was in a field with a bunch of other people, rockers i guess you would call them, everyone had their own home made pipes and i seemed to be wearing a coat even thou it was bright outside and I'm guessing warm (the temperature is always the same in my dreams 68% with no wind or rain, perfect).

 

I am aware that i was carrying a crack pipe on me with residue of cocaine inside it, an officer asks to see me and as i am walking towards the main place i drop it out of my pocket. In the dream it makes a sound but he doesn't seem to notice, several yards away he turns around and is now upset and having found that i discarded the evidence. I know its only a matter of time until he picks up the item and brushes it for my finger prints. Everyone in the field seems to notice and help out by offering their own pipes, some of the pipes they have created and very large 3 - 5 feet, made of thick glass with a mesh which is also equally as thick. The pipes are so large in fact that it would be impossible to smoke from them but in the dream, i suppose you could smoke from them if you wanted.

 

Now, the officer is confused he is gathering all these pipes and mine seems to get lost in the confusion. As he is distracted i keep walking forward unnoticed to this small Caucasian female security guard in her mid 30's. She is very small with a slender body, yet she is older maybe she is actually in her late 30's and it seems that she is not a prude either because the next thing i know she is biting me sort of hard and she is naked as well.

 

I wake up, its 5:41 am a mosquito has bitten me twice on my shoulder and pinky. Some how the dream is very fresh in my mind and it feels as thou i have all this energy, yet i am equally disturbed by how vivid the dream was.

 

 

 

My classes started a week ago and already i am behind on one of my assignments. They put a weight on my mentally, i didn't realize how hard it would be to handle the stress from work and then to be able to deal with the stress from school. All this stress just makes me want to play handball and games more. I am trying to cut back thou.

 

I spent the weekend cleaning my room so all my clothes are folded in their draws. Also, i have stopped masturbating. I went at first for a week then i gave in the other day but now i will try to go for a month. It is strange how much masturbation offsets a person and what they can achieve in life. I would spend so much time watching porn before and even masturbate 4 to 5 times consecutively 7 days a week, thinking nothing of it. Yet, since i have stopped masturbating my life seems to have improved so much.

 

Every time i want to give in to either a computer addiction or porn addiction, i think to myself that nothing good will come from it, and sometimes that actually helps. I don't know why i stopped writing in my journal. Maybe it was because i was happy for once in my life. Oftentimes i will be so preoccupied with what i am doing that i cannot find the time, energy or motivation to write in this journal. It will not matter if i was doing nothing at all, in fact i would have been so per-occupied with the activity of just thinking that i would not be able to pull myself from my thoughts in order to write them down.

 

Well, i am exhausted already so i will stop for now. My energy for writing and reading seems to come to a halt at 35 - 45 minutes every-time, yet my energy for video games and masturbation seems to be limitless. I really feel that i have programmed my brain to function in a manner which was never intended for any human to live. Subsisting on his parents in order to carry out urges will serve no greatest purpose than to please one's self.

 

I am not even going to edit this because that's how tired i am right now.

[junebug123]

Right now i am stressed.

 

Thoughts which are racing through my mind are going to a bar to drink and maybe get laid. Why is it that men always seek beer and sex as a relief for stress while women can just talk their problems out like normal individuals should. Sometimes these urges makes me hate being a man, i hate feeling so one dimensional all the time; its either up or down with my moods, no in-between.

 

I remember when i was in the mental ward for about a month or so, everything was so relaxing so orderly. You could be around people all the time, you got fed, the food was good, there was always activities to do and new people coming and going. In the real world everything is so chaotic, its no wonder people go crazy with all the stress that we have to deal with on a daily basis. Strangers on the train eye fvcking us all the time, people who bump into us in the street, kids who act like d1ckheads online, bosses who make us stay late everyday even thou we don't want to. It's like everything is a fvcking problem.

 

I feel like i am struggling with this whole school thing, i don't know how i will manage if i keep playing handball everyday. It's just that work gets me so stressed out and when i come home i just want to relax i don't want to do homework and read complicated stuff which will make my brain work more. Then i hate dealing with the idiots i live with, (my family) always complaining, trying to control everything and overacting all the time. I wish they were more level headed like me, like they just went with the flow instead of making the world an ugly place to live in.

 

Maybe i will go to the bar, but oh i feel so tired and my knee is ty. I don't even have that much money to spend. Maybe, ill just take money out the atm and buy a beer. I just need to do something in order to relax because i feel so high strung. You wonder why alcoholics have such a hard time quitting, its life it keeps getting in the way . . .

[junebug123]

The hardest morning ever. Going on 1 in a half maybe 2 weeks no jerking off and i am catching random hard on and waking up feeling horny going to bed feeling horny. On the plus side i have more energy during the day. Oh Jesus here we go again, i was playing lol and i started to feel aroused again, my body is going into this mode lately; i don't know if i can make it without self release . . .

 

It's even harder now because of the amount of stress which has been building up due to school and stuff. I have to do 3 assignments today because i have been slacking all week. I am so depressed right now. I'm playing league of legends again like an idiot, god whats wrong with me. All this pressure is building up and i don't know how to handle it.

 

I need to stop playing handball and focus on working out and cleaning my room more often. Sometimes i feel like i am all over the place with no point of focus.

[junebug123]

Change your brain Change your world

 

I'm not sure if it was my mom or my step dad who bought me this book after i had a really hard day at work where i convinced myself that i had aspergers syndrome. Following that day i broke my 3 week record of no porn no masturbation. Yet, today i realize how much of a mistake it was to continue to masturbate, even thou it felt really good, my mind started focusing more and more on self release. Controlling myself had become a problem, just like my addiction to lol and handball.

 

Somehow, i was making time for League of legends, handball and masturbating but the important things in life were left without behind. The funny thing about time is that we tend to measure it by the hour, not by the day or year. For example, in one day i could play 5 hours of league of legends, work for 6 hours, play 2 hours of handball and sleep for 8 hours leaving the rest of the day available for poop, eating, showering etc. Then i could justify it all by saying that i will complete what i need to tomorrow.

 

However, if we measured time by the day then i would have noticed that i have been spending 5 days out of the week doing nothing but procrastinating. And if i measured time by the month, i would have realized that i have been spending 25 days out of 30 doing nothing important at all. The problem is recording how we spend our time, and planning it out before hand, even if i were to plan my day out there would be no real reason for me to follow my plan. My brain chemistry has been altered to such a point that, trying to understand or explain why i have this appetite for handball and computer games would be like trying to ask a silver back gorilla why he needs to eat over 40 pounds of vegetables and fruits each day.

 

Even before i decided to delete league of legends from my computer, i had many many thoughts of playing it over and over, just like thoughts of playing handball are invading my thinking process right this instant. Sometimes i wonder how much of my decision making process comes down to will power or habit. A person who forms a healthy habit may lead a healthy life, yet a person who is trying to change their habits will have to exercise a lot of will power in order to make those changes happen.

 

Vegans for example, at first the thought of becoming a vegan to anyone would seem to be a very hard task to accomplish. Giving up meat, fish and dairy all in 1 day, no more cheesecake, or steak or lobster. Yet for a person who has been a practicing vegan for a year would not have to exercise any will power at all in order to maintain their current status, they don't necessarily desire animal based products as much as the average person. I know this because i have for the most part abstained from eating meat for the better part of 5 months. A while i am sometimes curious about how a hamburger would taste, it doesn't make much difference to me if i don't eat one.

 

I wish it wouldn't make much difference to me if i abstained from playing video games, or watching porn, handball on the other-hand is something i am very passionate about so i cannot and will-not give that up no matter how much my grades are struggling.

 

Well, i have all this school work to do now, about 3 weeks worth, wish me luck . . . And yes there will be plenty of anxiety to accompany on this day . . . This beautiful Saturday . . .

[junebug123]

Journal i feel like a new man

 

Yesterday, was the first day i actually spent not playing league of legends. Instead i pretty much did nothing but homework and sleep. One of my handball buddies at Rainbow park who is just a high-school kid explained to me that if i just started doing school work after a long break, it would be hard at first. He told me it usually takes him 15 - 20 minutes before he starts to get into it. Guys, this kid is really smart, he goes to Stuyvesant high-school which is the hardest public school in New York City, and he told me he spends on average 2 hours everyday doing school work.

 

Oftentimes, we could be so much better in life if we just made the right decisions. Many of the decisions i make are based on impulses and triggers from my brain, deciding whether or not to talk to a women, whether or not to trust a strangers directions, should i clean my room or not, should i do homework or play league of legends. Yet the real problem is trusting your brain after you have done nothing for the past 6 months, people don't realize how fragile our brains really are. We don't realize that they can change their shape and neural networks depending on how we have programmed them.

 

If you program your brain to wh0re yourself on the street and use drugs everyday, then that is what you will do and that is what your brain will expect you to do. The interesting thing about this book is that it explains behavior from a scientific stand point instead of a psychological one. People will blame their behavior too often on psychological mish mash, claiming that because they had a bad childhood, justifies their behavior. Instead of actually taking responsibility for their actions. And while, i do believe that we have memories which are stored based on how we were raised and those memories do have some impact on our lives especially in traumatic cases such as victims of rape or violence, i do not believe that those memories control are behavior.

 

That would be like saying that every murder case, every Nobel peace prize award, everyday life saved or every terrorist attack is was done on instinct, that the person had no choice over what they were doing at all. Humans are not like viruses, we can make decisions we aren't compelled to kill destroy copy and take over. We have instances of psychosis but those are under extreme conditions or bad health, we blame too many of our decisions on genetics, or psychology, or environment, or educational system, or financial institutions and while those all may affect the decisions we make; ultimately we have the last word on what we say or do.

 

The worst thing is how much money people spend trying to seek help from others in order to make decisions which they would be wholly capable of making themselves. Diets, work out plans, job placement programs, self defensive classes. Anyone could read books or learn about how to go about learning this information on the internet etc. yet we depend on the help of others because we feel we are either incapable or that others are better at it than we are. The real problem behind this all is passion and drive, we don't all have the motivation or desire to accomplish are goals so we seek help from an outside source. Yet, our inner source is vastly more powerful than any help we could receive if only we knew how to tap into it, then we would all be gods.

[junebug123]

Journal it happened i fell behind in one of my classes . . .

 

Playing all that league of legends those first 4 weeks was really stupid of me. In fact, today instead of going straight home to complete homework i spent 6 hours playing handball after work. Somehow, everytime i have to do work, i get anxious and i want to avoid it. I have this friend who i play handball with sometimes, she told me that she once completed a 5 page paper and read a 300 page book all in about 1 night.

 

I asked her, does she ever get distracted, she replied, 'no', then proceeded to explain to me how reading relieves stress for her, and how she becomes immersed in the book. Sounds like she gets immersed in her studies the way i get immersed in handball. I suppose i am to blame because i didn't always have the ability to want to play handball; there were plenty of times i forced myself to play out of boredom or just to get out of the house.

 

There was always something which drove me to play, like after work i would think about handball a lot, then i would want to play it. Yet, today i tried to focus on programming hoping that i would want to program instead of play handball. For a little bit, i got excited about wanting to program but eventually i played handball instead having so much pent up energy (it would be hard for me to focus).

 

Sometimes its like i have the attention span of a 3 year old and i want to play with one toy, then do something else, then do something else. I believe that people train themselves to become good at things they want to succeed at. Like at work, or at being a parent, in sports, in academics. The concept is very basic, yet the problem lies in trying to become good at something that you don't necessary want to do like: cleaning, or breaking bad habits, exercising, not fighting with your spouse/lover. I think to myself, how do people overcome these problems which they feel they have no control over. Sometimes i wonder if some people have more will power than others, or is it that we are all the same, just some try harder than others.

 

Let's say that you were a fat cook who was around food all day. You have a goal to lose 30 pounds, yet your job as a cook is to taste the food you prepare, it would be harder for you to lose that weight than someone who worked in a gym. These are the things i think about, yet some people make the changes necessary to accomplish those goals, and those who don't make the necessary changes are doomed to repeat their errors over and over again.

[junebug123]

So, apparently i must have been depressed for a period of about a month where i did nothing, not even laundry.

 

Sometimes, you have no idea whats going on, you make bad decisions and continue to make them continuously without realizing why you are behaving this way or that way. What i did was a lot of procrastinating in terms of cleaning my room, in terms of doing homework, in terms of working out at all. Basically things which have long term positive benefits; i choose to use that time playing handball, watching tv and watching popular videos on the net, things which have short term positive benefits.

 

What happens when you decide to stop doing things which make you happy, and start doing things which make you miserable. You get sad and stay sad until something happens which makes you re-think all the decisions you have been making, something like wanting to apply for another job. I am not necessary sure why i did this, i think it had something to do with being tired of my life and how little control i had over anything going on inside of it.

 

The thing that makes me most depressed is living with my mother. She is this annoying creature which is always projecting her negative emotions, living with people that complain is bad, but you can always choose to ignore those people or avoid them. In the end they will eventually stop bothering you with their complaints but with your mom, its like a once in a lifetime relationship which cannot really be replaced. You just get whatever mom you get and you can choose to deal with it or not, yet the consequences for cutting yourself from that sort of relationship may have a serious impact on your life for better or for worse.

 

Sometimes, i see these shows where kids search for their parents who have been drug addicts, and hookers. They will be there with the camera crew looking through the cracks of society for these individuals who cannot take care of anything which doesn't relate to their habit. You wonder why these individuals do this, is it nature or nurture? Have they learned to love their parents based on life's experiences or were they genetically predisposed to care for the person who brought them into this world. Orphans for example, they want to find the parents who abandoned them, yet having never met them they have these feelings of caring towards this being which may or may not exist.

 

Well, i have to do work for now, my step-dads feet fvcking smell . . .

[junebug123]

God dam, i am so fvcking depressed right now. I am having these crazy mood swings where one moment i will be on top of the world and the next i am very depressed. It all started last Wednesday, when i called this courier company to tell them i wasn't going to be able to accept the job. What happened was that i woke up and i was extremely happy because the weather was beautiful outside and just in general i was in a good disposition. I had to make an important decision to either stay with the job i was working at now or to take a new job which i was very excited about.

 

Stupidly after i went on an interview and the lady decided to hire me the next day i got scared and called my step-dad. Somehow he convinced me to stay with the job i was with now (in-spite of all the problems i was having with them). He was like, "Oh you being depressed has nothing to do with the problems at work, that's always going to happen no matter where you go." And, even thou that may be true to a certain extent, the other problem was that i was generally having problems with this place i was working at.

 

Now, its Sunday afternoon and tomorrow i have to make a decision, as to whether or not i can continue to work there. As things stand now it will be almost impossible for me to act like i don't have any problems with my situation.

 

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Wow, as i am in the middle of writing this, my step-dad starts b1tching about how the bathrooms needs to be cleaned and its my turn to clean it. Everyone in this house is on the same wavelength constantly sending my mom to talk to me because they are scared to talk to me or something. Then they wonder why i ignore them constantly and just pursue my own endeavors, every-time they have one of their little events i choose not to go. The same thing happens constantly where they are part of this little cliche and i am getting singled out.

 

I am so tired of this family, i need to move out like yesterday. Sometimes i wonder why i even act polite and respectful to some of the individuals who live here; they are fvcking two faced as and are backstabbing me every moment they get. People like this are good at politics, they just wait to on someone as soon as the moment presents itself and they are constantly projecting their own problems on the people around them. IF i had it my way . . .

 

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I need to formulate a plan to get out of here. This current situation is not working and hasn't been working for the longest time. I am trying my hardest to relax but the problem is that i am so worked up right now.

[junebug123]

Well, today i played in this C doubles tournament and my partner did bad again . . .

 

I noticed that everytime we get into a difficult situation, its like he can't handle the stress of the game. In the right conditions, environment and setting he does great, but take him out of that comfort zone and he falls to pieces. What is funny is that this same scenario which i am describing is the exact same way i behave with women. Given the right circumstances, setting and situation i can do well, yet once i am out of that comfort zone i often fail. My main problem is that i don't make enough of an effort, or that i am too picky, or that i make excuses for myself.

 

Oftentimes when it comes to women, i have so many mixed emotions, its like i can't make up my mind; even when i have obtained a women of my choosing i will often sabotage the relationship by getting angry too easily, or convincing myself that she isn't worth the trouble. Sometimes i wonder if i am really a straight man at all, i wonder if other guys and girls have doubts about the people they get involved with. I noticed that other men who are more successful with women make so much more of an effort to obtain their interest, yet i am comfortable just playing handball and going on the computer.

 

Is this motivation and drive that men have for women motivated purely by sex or is it the need to bond socially with others. And here is where i know what my problem has been, and still is to this very day. My lack of social skills. I am an introvert, i don't make friends easily and have difficulty maintaining relationships; if it isn't a convenient relationship like someone who i am forced to deal with either on the handball courts, in my house or at work, well i usually will fail at staying in contact. I think that over the years, my depression has gotten the better of me. My 3 main excuses for not being able to have successful relationships are: i make little to no money, i live with my parents, and i don't want to deal with the drama which comes with women in general.

 

Yet, others who are in similar situations to mine, with the same age and the same income (actually worst income) seem to be having girlfriends of all different ages left and right. These other guys don't let people's opinions affect their decisions, they see someone they like and they pursue. One of my co-workers was explaining to me that women will leave subtle hints to indicate they that are interested, yet i seem to never pick up on these hints. Oftentimes i will let my lack of self esteem and my inability to read social ques hinder these signals which women are sending me. In fact, many women and men often comment of how i am an attractive individual, they find it hard to understand why i am not with a mate.

 

Right now, i am sort of trying to get with this one girl, lets call her D. For some reason we have similar interests and i feel as thou she is attracted to me. We have long conversations and i have been flirting with her for about a week or 2 now. She is kind of a nerd and doesn't seem to have been in many relationships, yet this is why i am so attracted to her. It's like the fact that she doesn't try so hard to attract others is what turns me on. Somehow i know that it isn't going to work out with this girl because there is such a big age gap and i know that others will judge me harshly. I don't understand why society puts so much pressure on men to date within 3 - 5 years within their age, if 2 people like each other what is the issue.

 

Once a female hits 18 she is able to make decisions for herself, this is the thing which troubles me the most, its like why is it that other women and men need to constantly give advice to women who are dating. Why is it that we treat the female gender as this fragile sex which cannot make smart decisions? Men don't get treated the same, men have all this expectations to be independent and to be self sufficient. Well, maybe this is just me projecting, but these are the fears i have. I just want to be able to live my life and not be judged by others. It has been nearly 3 years since my last real relationship, since then i have slept with about 5 different women all of whom i either choose or failed to have meaningful relationships with.

 

Sometimes, i think that this all goes back to the bad relationship i have with my mother. Man, this entry was deep. I know i am going to go back and read this and be like wow.

[junebug123]

Man, i need to stop fcking with this youtube. I spent like the whole day on it; it's worst than playing lol actually. Sometimes i find myself just on it just because i'm bored . . .

 

I need to start planning my day out properly, i feel like i am wasting so much time. What's worse is that classes have started and i haven't been motivated to do the work and its already day one.

 

You can tell that i am very anxious right now just on how my thoughts are coming accross. My brain feels so fragmented, sometimes i feel like if i just keep doing what i am doing that my life will work itself out on its own.

 

I pulled my hamstring recently which sucks, i can't play handball like i used too, spent the whole day icing it.

 

I got that girl's number which is good, yet she doesn't seem so interested in me, its weird because sometimes i feel like its all in my head, yet i feel as thou i am not really acting very interested in her either. I'm so confused, why do women have these days when they want to be so available and other days when their body language is like: not so friendly..

 

Sometimes i think its my self esteem, or my expectations. Overall, the same pattern will happen over and over, maybe i don't realize that my lack of aggression is what turns these women off constantly. Yet, its hard to be bold when the situation doesn't necessary present itself, maybe its all in my head, i need to stop obsessing.

 

My life without these obsessions would be like bliss.

[junebug123]

Journal, the other day i started working out again.

 

On Saturday i did 1 mile running, 80 pushups and 60 pull ups.

 

Then on Monday i did 200 push ups and 40 pull ups.

 

Also, i decided no more youtube, so now i no longer play starcraft, diablo, league of legends, watch porn or watch youtube on my computer. I feel like i have made a lot of progress since i started this journal. Furthermore, i have a job and i am back in school as well. Sometimes its good to focus on what you have going on for yourself rather than the negative.

 

I feel as thou i use this journal for all my negativity but in reality i have a lot going on for me. I can't wait till this hamstring heals up, then i can go on that run with this girl i like. I know that i need to start talking to more girls, it's just hard because i am so shy. The strange thing is that i feel so comfortable around this one girl, that it was easy for me to ask for her number and stuff. Usually, around other girls, they are like complete strangers so its hard to get close to them without it feeling awkward, yet so many guys seem to do this with such ease.

 

Maybe, i'll find the secret out when i am more invested in a relationship and less invested in school/handball . . . Who knows.

[junebug123]

It's been 2 days since youtube, woo hoo. Today, i cleaned all of my dirty clothes, i think it was like 4 loads of clothes and i folded them all AND i put them in the necessary draws. Sometimes even something as simple as youtube can distract me from doing homework, cleaning my room, or working out; Today i bought a small moleskin book to help me with my cognitive behaviors.

 

This book which i've been reading called, "Change your brain, Change your life", has made me realize how much writing i need to do in order to stay on task. I need to right down all of my short term goals, just for the day. There is this one principle called self supervision, boy, i suck at that stuff. LOL

 

On a side note, i made some kid lose 100 dollars in handball, he got stupid placing all these bets playing with me and we ended up losing. I don't understand why he got so obsessed on trying to win the money back. He is a Top B player, which is advanced for a handball player, i am barely like intermediate level player (for NYC player) yet i play at least 20 hours a week every week. We were playing against another player around my skill level and his partner who is significantly weaker than him (he is a C player). The game was me and the advanced guy would give them 10 points he has to play with just his left hand (he's a righty).

 

Well, we won the first game but then he wanted to run it back for 20 a man (40 dollars total), after we lost that one, he wanted to run it back for 30 a man (60 dollars total), and he was putting me up. I don't know why he thought we would win those games because he didn't play all that great. Anyways, he ended up losing 90 dollars because we won the first game for 10. The whole situation was just so stressful it made me not enjoy playing handball. I feel as thou it made me stronger as a player thou, because of the pressure involved.

 

Anyways, that girl i've been talking about lately, i asked her to go running with me today via text. She sad no because of the heat but then agreed to go running at tomorrow night with me. Geez, come to think of it maybe that's why i've been so productive today, i hadn't even realized that i secured this date until like now. My friend was telling me to take it slow with this girl because of the age, he was explaining to me how much of an advantage older guys have due to the experience in dating and in life in general. It's not like i don't realize all of that, its just i don't understand why that is so much of a problem, well at least not from my perspective anyway.

 

Somehow, i fear that this girl will not be interested in me and that she will back out at the last second or that i have been misreading her all along and that she isn't in fact interested in me at all. Women can be so tricky, it's like i can never tell if a girl likes me or not because they are generally so shy about it. I am just going to be my normal flirty self and see how things pan out, worst case scenario she ends up being creeped out and i can never go back to that handball court again, lol.

 

This is my other problem with women. I am always worried about how others will perceive me in the relationship and how they will judge me based on the mistakes i make! It's like no matter how old we get, we seem to always worry about the same stupid things . . .

[junebug123]

Wow, so this girl bailed on me saying that she didn't get any sleep and also that she made other plans. IT made me realize something very important, don't pour your seeds into one sack. Honestly, I don't even know why i was chasing this girl at all, she is so immature; i feel like i am also immature for getting upset about it, maybe a bigger person would have just attempted another date. My friend said that he had made several plans with this one girl before he could even get her to agree to go out with him and eventually he ended up sleeping with her. It seems as thou he made a lot of effort in order to start seeing him, maybe this is my problem, maybe i need to hop off the pedestal once in a while.

 

Turns out thou, that it was a good thing that she did bail on me, or maybe it was bad because i ended up making other plans for the night. I went to see this show with one of my close guy friends and ended up bumping into an old high school crush of mine. There was a lot of chemistry and we ended up drinking until 2 in the morning, but a lot of the things which i remember about her were also reasons why she never became anything more than a crush. She had issues with chemical dependency, and she also has issues with men.

 

She seems to always be dating someone, granted she is attractive but many of the men she dates aren't even that good looking, it's like she dates them just so that she won't be lonely. I remember in high school, she dated like something close to like 5 or 6 guys (meaning slept with as well) and each relationship was drama. I wasn't one to stay close to her while she was having her episodes in fact i think she often resented me for distancing myself from her. Anyways, last night she admitted to me that she had issues with alcohol, and in the process, i got drunk like an idiot. In fact, i paid for one of her drinks which was like 9 dollars and i think i spent close to 60 dollars at the bar that night.

 

Everything was stupid, i was suppose to just go there for the show, not get drunk and not get involved with old ex's. We exchanged numbers but i sent her this text which was like long and dramatic, it was one of my defensive moves. There was also this other girl there who I found really attractive and honestly i should have spent my time talking to her instead. It was just hard to get close to her because her friend who isn't so attractive likes me, and she would have been c0ck blocking like crazy.

 

I think the biggest thing is that i am horny again. Something came over me, it's like my body is telling me that i haven't got laid in like forever. I think it's been like close to 3 months now since i last got laid. I find myself being more aggressive with females now more than ever, I just need to find one who will accept me. In the process, i have been growing so much, going to school and working, getting my BA soon, working out my body, reading books, keeping a journal. I feel like i am ready for a relationship now. It's funny how when i started this journal almost a year ago that i was falling apart, and all due to a girl. Things are going good for me now, i wonder what would happen if i re-read every entry and relived every moment wondering why i didn't make better decisions back then.

 

I want a girl so badly, i know it will happen soon, and this time not just sex but a relationship as well.

[junebug123]

This weekend was so meh. I went to this tournament at 10 am and didn't get to play until 3 pm, i sprained my ankle and lost in the first round under 10. I suck, i am realizing now that i have to get better, i need to beat everyone in within a 40 block radius on a consistent basis in order for me to grow and become stronger. I need to start winning more games, but i have to play more in order to do that, i need to increase the games i play by at least 7 a day, and of those i should be playing all strong games or playing with handicaps if the team is weak.

 

Also, it was my little sisters birthday and she has been acting up since she's been in the house. She just wants to argue all the time, its really annoying, she opposes 7 out 10 things that 'ANYONE' says. There are some people i think i will never learn to deal with and she is one of them . . .

 

In terms of my classes i seem to be falling behind a little bit. I spent way too much time this weekend watching porn and jerking off. I don't know why i say that i am not going to do something and then end up doing it anyways. Man, if there is one thing i really want to do its play league of legends; i hate myself. I have been doing so well with my life and even i have stopped spending so compulsively, yet i seem to be able to regulate my behavior patterns which seem to be always re-occurring.

 

How do you self supervise yourself? Almost everyday is a challenge, its like take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. My room is a mess, i need to hide my computer because its literally the enemy. My sister's finance found all this porn in an empty apartment, he works for the city, doing maintenance in projects for NYCHA (new york city housing authority). Anyways, he found like all this porn and i guess my sister wanted to give it to me like as a joke or something and then i spent like a day or 2 skimming through a few DVD's, it was anything crazy just like regular porn and obviously it gets boring.

 

The problem, was that i told myself i wasn't going to watch porn or youtube and then the next day or next week i am doing it all over again . . . Self Supervision! It's a b1tch, well life's a b1tch. I have to work on myself everyday and constantly remind myself to do good because otherwise i will fall off.

[junebug123]

I feel like i am going crazy right now. I don't understand why i am only writing in this journal every week or so now? The fact is i no longer feel constantly depressed and also i am not really motivated to be constantly writing in this journal. I am doing this with everything now it seems. I am not longer willing to work out, I am no longer willing to consistently stay turn school assignments in on time. I am no longer willing to uphold the vows i make to myself to stop watching youtube, to stop playing league of legends, to stop watching porn. I am no longer willing to acknowledge that i have a problem with alcohol.

 

Well, if you must know, i fvcked up my shoulder really badly this weekend. Last weekend it was my mothers birthday and i decided to drink at this bar she was throwing the party at. Somehow i quickly spent 40 dollars on food and booze. Then i starting spending more money when we got to my friends house, on the way home i spent another 11 dollars, in total i spent 70 dollars that night. 3 to 4 blocks to my house i crashed my bike and fell off my bike going about 17 - 22 mph, i laid on the floor for about 4 minutes in the middle of the road trying to understand what happened.

 

It all happened so quickly, i was going down this hill, then i think i hit some small dip in the road, then i was flying through the air face first, then i heard my bike hit the floor as the weight of my entire body and the force was stopped by the concrete which wasn't so forgiving to my shoulder. This was around 3 in the morning. That night i went to my moms room to tell her that i crashed my bike and to have her help me take off my shirt, because my shoulder was hurting so bad. At around 5 in the morning i realized i was in too much pain to sleep and we (my mom and I) walked to the hospital.

 

The X-rays took forever, they gave me a Vicodin like 2 hours after we got there and we ended up waiting about 3 more hours after the Vicodin before we could be released. They just gave me a prescription and a note for my job which explained that i couldn't do any heavy lifting for a week. It's been 5 days since then, and my shoulder is feeling much better now, i don't have to have it in a sling and also i am not in constant pain. Tomorrow, i am probably going to work to pick up my check and see my boss for the first time in a while.

 

All this time, while i was injured i have been telling myself how much i am going to work out and how much better i am going to do with saving and school. It's funny how we always have these thoughts while we are uncapable of doing the activity. Similar to the way we can obsess about a crush which we will never approach, because its the safest thing to do. I need to stop living life so fvcking safe and i need to start taking some risks otherwise i am going to end up old and alone. I am always making the wrong decisions when it comes to spending money, and most importantly spending my time. Even when i write down what i should do for the rest of the day, i end up ignoring my own notes/advice.

 

Sometimes i feel like i need someone standing over me yelling in my face to get my sh1t together like a drill Sergeant or something. One of the kids i play handball with says that he's think of becoming a sanitation worker and explained that they make a lot of money. I am not sure if i want to do that . . . Man i just want to be a programmer but i am not self disciplined enough to teach myself everything. One of my friends just got a job working at the new york stock exchange doing working with computers, like networking in specific. He got this through some internship through his school and stuff.

 

Well, i got to try to do some school work now because i have been writing all this time because i don't want to do any work at all. I am pathetic right?