This is just a Jorunal that i am starting to track my behavior and triggers.

[junebug123]

Haven't been writing in my journal because i haven't felt motivated. Spent the day playing handball some of the night doing homework. The work i am doing now is most gratifying when i accomplish something but at the same time, it is very frustrating. I feel as thou the instructor has done us an injustice with his bad teaching and now all the students have to make up for it on their own time. I i had spent more time reading the lectures and doing the ilabs on time, i wouldn't be so far behind. It was that blasted internship which set me back so far, now i feel like i may not get everything done by monday . . .

 

I wish i could stay focused on school work for much longer then i can, maybe if i keep working on it i will reach high levels of focus, who knows.

[junebug123]

I feel dead inside

 

Wow, journal its been 3 days have you missed me?

 

So basically, i have been cramming non-stop in order to finish my classes and get decent grades. As it stands now i caught up on most of my work but there still remains a paper to be written, which i could do in about 4 hours and some tables and stuff to be done which will take me more like 10 - 11 hours. All of this is due Wednesday, i am guessing by 2 am EST, and i have a final to take as well which is going to be really hard.

 

This database class was like the first class to really challenge me, and i am glad that i took it. I feel like i have learned so much since taking the class and i never committed half as much time to any of my other classes. My step-dad downloaded some training videos for this language i want to learn, called C++, i am sure i have mentioned it half a dozen times by now. Yet, i haven't manage to find the time to do any of that type of stuff lately.

 

So why did i start this entry off by saying i feel dead inside? Well basically, after going to class and thinking we were going to take the final and thinking that everything was due, i realized that we actually had more time to complete our assignments and then i decided to celebrate by playing handball and riding my bike home from the city (4 - 5 miles give or take). Surprising i did really good in handball, learned something new in my technique of hitting the ball and manage to lose some weight in the process. Yeah, i am a little concerned about my weight because, ever since i started programing i have gained about 5 pounds.

 

Gaining weight didn't bother me, what bothered me was the fact that i am spending so much time on the computer and getting out of shape. Sometimes, i wish i had my old life back, but i realize now that the life i am living is a productive one which, centers around being an adult and trying to make a living for myself. In a sense it is more gratifying then wasting my life all day playing handball in a park, which is what a lot of these other kids do, senselessly at that. I have to stop judging people, yet they make it so hard with their behaviors.

 

On Facebook this girl was trying to answer this stupid question. It was like this 6/2(1+2) =, well it was something like that. They have these things which are like 80% of people get this answer wrong. The answer is 6/2(1+2) = 6/2(3)= 6/6 = 1, she didn't understand that even thou someone explained to her what PemDos and order of operations is. She didn't understand that any number outside of a parentheses is multiplied by the number inside the parentheses before division takes place. So, in her professional opinion she thought the answer :

 

"Every single number has implied parentheses around it.

6÷2(3)

(6) ÷(2)(3)

6÷2*3,

or even converting the division to multiplication by a reciprocal (a legal math move)

(6)(1 (over) 2)(3)

are all correct ways to write this problem and mean exactly the same thing. Using pemdas, where md and as are interchangeable, we work from left to right, so (3)(3) or

3*3= 9"

 

These are her exact words, to which someone replied:

 

" just forget about the PEMDAS or BODMAS rules,

lets come back to the origin of mathematics which is solving human's problem:

 

assumption: Have 6 apples, with 2 classes where combination of 2 boys & 1 girl.

 

So, each of them get how many apple(s)?!

 

thus, 2 classes , 2 boys & 1 gals = 3 students + 3 Students = total 6 students

 

Now, only have 6 apples

 

6 apples for 6 students.

 

Therefore, 1 student only have 1 apple = 1 (answer) "

 

 

Okay, even after he explain to her what the answer was, she still didn't either believe him or understand and replied with:

 

"you do it your way ill do it mine"

 

then proceeded to say

 

"i would argue my theory further, but i have to work. sorry lmfao"

 

then proceeded to state

 

"Multiplication and Division are on the same level of PEMDAS...if you have only multiplication and division left, you need to work from left to right...so, 9. okay im done lol"

 

Okay, so what does this have to do with anything? My judging? Yes, because this was someone who i was actually attracted to for a period of time. A person who by the way has 2 kids and cannot even solve simple algebraic equations. Does everyone need to know or understand this stuff? well, no. Yet, i can't imagine these type of people ever doing anything other then remedial labor if they cannot learn simple mathematics. I mean, i wouldn't want this to be the mother of my children after hearing her talk like this and being so stubborn and arguing something so assinane.

 

It would have taken her 2 fvcking minutes to just look the answer up online, but rather then do that she wants to argue her point which is false. Which leads me to believe that she would argue anything false point to be right in a given situation. Oh, brother i think i am bad for judging but who can look at this public conversation and think any differently. The sad part of it all is that a lot of her friends were clicking like on her commentary, which leads me to believe that we live in a generation of degenerates.

 

P.S.

 

Something else which has been bothering me lately is responding to posts and stuff. People will like post something and then just forget about it or bother to ever respond/comment on their original question. It's like why put a plea of help on a forum and expect answers if you aren't going to inform your audience of what is transpiring. It gets to the point of just not wanting to bother with answering posting at all, and while many will say that you answer for yourself, i find it troubling to be left wondering what ever happened to these people and their situations.

[junebug123]

Feel great today, am i bi-polar?

 

Some of my journal entries are so back and forth with my mood swings that i am starting to think i must be bi-polar. This is what happened yesterday to trigger my mood right now.

 

Took a long bath where i shaved pretty much my chest and legs (don't do arms). Yesterday, i got started on the paper i had to for my English class, wrote like 2 pages, ill probably write 3 pages today and edit it then submit. Finished my ilab7 and my final for my database class, which i pretty much aced after studying so dam hard all these weeks, so that felt great, still have to do my group project which i am really considering not doing at this point, now that i know i passed the class! Did some work out in my room, i am looking forward to putting more weight on my dumbbells soon, maybe i should just integrate more exercises into my routine thou

 

I don't know why i always misspell the word exercise, yet its a habit in the same sense of my addiction to spending hours just watching YouTube videos and staying up late when i know i should be sleeping. However, today feeling good like i did with all this energy i decide to take out my trash and now i am in the middle of doing laundry. Surprisingly, i had so much fun walking to the laundromat in order to purchase fabric softener. It feels like literally days since i have been able to leave my room, so any excuse to be outside is good!

 

The day before yesterday i purchased some much needed bathroom toiletries like razors, soap, shampoo, etc. I think i was feeling really depressed earlier because my life was in such a state of disarray: dirty dishes piled on my desk, 2 bags of dirty clothes in my room, a garbage bag large enough to hold a small boy in my room (filled with garbage obviously), hadn't used shampoo in 2 days, boy. Actually, something else is accredited with triggering this good mood, day before yesterday playing good handball at grand (i think i mentioned that earlier), riding my bike to school and back, greasing my chain (which was making noises), and also i bought a cable i needed for my phone (for adding music).

 

I would write more because of my uplifted mood, yet all i can add is that i watched this documentary on Netflix by national geographic (yes i watch that type of stuff) which was about stress and the role it plays in our health. For a long time i have been plagues by stress, and the study done by one of the main researches in the field of stress and how it correlates directly to our health. So, this researcher discovered that baboons suffer the same stress related diseases much the way humans do.

 

He discovered that baboons have a complex social structure in comparison to other animals, and that their hierarchy in terms of position and control has a direct correlation to the stress levels (measured) of the animals on different levels of the hierarchy; those lower on the totem pole more likely to suffer stress then those higher up. It would appear that, those baboons higher up the social structure could always vent their frustrations on those animals lower then them, then those lower will vent their frustrations on those lower then them. I am sure the ones at the bottom have their children to vent their frustrations on, lol.

 

Well, i have to finish writing my paper now about whether 2 possible career paths. Later

[junebug123]

Played handball all day today, professor was feeling generous and decided to give me a really good grade on group project 7 even thou i didn't do much on it, which is weird.

 

Been drinking since about 7 pm, its 9:50 now. Maybe i am just celebrating because i passed my classes and i was freakign out about them for the longest time now.

 

Hot chinese girl at the handball courts thinking about kicking some game to her lately but we both shy.

 

Need to get a job soon because feeling lonely and horny.

 

3 k in the bank now but no one to enjoy it with, going to a bar soon maybe something fun will happen who knows.

 

Been staying in doors too much lately i need to go out because otherwise i will go crazy.

 

Love you journal, watching speed runs live . com right now some guy trying to break his own world record for pokemon blue and then you wonder why i haven't got laid in over 5 months now. Geez. has it been that long.

[junebug123]

Guys, feeling very anxious right now due to the fact that i was drinking at the bar the other day and after i drink my body always gets into anxiety mode instead of hangover mode (don't ask me why). At the bar there was this quite cute girl with pink hair, high heels, and a transparent black shirt, of course her personality wasn't really all that special, typical rock groupie type without much intellect which doesn't pertain to rock bands or rock affliation, also she had low self esteem; but that body . . .

 

Lately, i have been realizing that i am too crictical of women in general. How do i ever expect to get laid with the way i view people constantly, its one thing to have high standards it another to expect someone with qualities that cannot be obtained in the real world. I mean, there are women with those qualities which i look for, yet they only last until i find the flaws i so vicious scour for. What is it to live the kind of life where nothing can satistify your extreme needs? It is a life unfufilled, an empty one. A lifestyle i am sick of living, i need to change my expectations and my perceptions of people.

 

In facebook i wrote once, how you cannot see the goodness in people if you are always focusing on their faults, its too bad i cannot take my own advice. Yet, today was a good day with the exception of the anixety i am experiencing right now. I foud that my professor actually gave me a very good grade for a project which i didn't satisfactorly complete, maybe it was based on a curve because i am sure that more then half the class failed or dropped out, lol. It wasn't even that the class was impossible, it just required a lot of studying which i suppose people weren't willing to do.

 

I got to do some push ups one sec, boy it is good to workout i am noticing results after about 3 months, i feel like my arms have gotten a little bigger and my energy is also doing better overall. People don't realize the passive results to exercising on a daily basis, levels of focus go up, stress levels go down, confidence goes up, good feelings increase, sex more likely (well i am hoping), opposite sex notices you more. Today, i beat one of my biggest rivals in handball, i know that it is due to me being in better shape then him, he got tired so easily then made the excuse that he hadn't eaten all day. Well, i didn't eat anything either motherfvcker but you don't see me making excuses for losing! LOL

 

Handball is that one thing in my life that i know will carry me through the hardest times. Honestly thinking about handball, playing it and knowing people in the handball community makes life worth living for me. If in the past i ever harbored thoughts of kiling myself, those thoughts are replaced with new thoughts future handball games and prospects. So many street people have found handball to be way out of an otherwise self destructive life. Something else, which i have been doing is watching some streams on this website called link removed There is this one guy called funkadilict who is streaming some really hard games like batman and there is this other one called holy diver. Either of those game is dam near impossible to beat but he manages to get the world record for both of them, and in the batman game he doesn't die once.

 

Other streams i watch include streams where people race in the video game, this one race was really crazy on mario 64, it was first person to get 70 stars. The way these guys play is like all these short cuts and glitches doing impossible things which programmers never intended to happen in the game. All these exploits and then they get tips by the viewers to maximize their times. Some of the streams are also like guys who will just play and reset the gme every time they make a mistake (which is a lot). This one streamer called Werster who already has several world records on some other games reset the game pokemon blue over 2500 times! He tries to do the hardest things in the game without sparing precise seconds yet his tactics were too risky, eventually he just gave up on the game which i thought was kind of funny, maybe he will go back to it some time who knows.

 

Sometimes i cannot imagine how they do it though. Like playing the game over and over and over, i mean it has to be some sort of obsessive quality in a man which drives him to do the impossible. Ill post a link to what i am talking about in terms of the level of difficulty link removed , link removed . Yeah, if you watch those videos you will think that the guy in that little box looks like Macaulay Culkin from the home alone series.

 

Anyways, i got distracted because i wanted to watch him speed one one of those links just out of being complusive but now i have writers block and don't feel like writing anymore, until next time Journal

[junebug123]

So, i finally got a C++ compiler to work on my linux machine as well, which is nice. Spent a lot of money this weekend because it was my friends birthday so just basically went to a bar (left early cause i got bored) then the next day went out to eat sushi and watched a movie. All and in it is about as much socialization as i require for about 3 months give or take.

 

The IDE i am going to be using on my linux machine is called netbeans. Spoke to another friend of mine who is getting his bachelors in Graphic Design, i mean whatever that is making logos and crap like that. People were saying they get paid tons of money, funny thing i read this book about a graphic designer (it was fiction) called Pattern Recognition by William Gibson. Same guy who wrote New York Times best seller, Nueromancer, which i read as well.

 

Thing about patterns, they are hard as fvck to break like this new pattern i have developed with watching these stupid speed runs. Yet my new sutdy pattern has saved me from failing my classes (i think i got an A and a B or at least 2 B's) i mean its whatever to me. I don't take school as seriously as i should. My Gpa right now is probably barely above a 3.4 if not just a 3.4. It could be much higher but there were few classes i withdrew from and a few classes i fvcked up cause i wasn't paying attention in or i just was working full time and couldn't complete the work.

 

I want to start developing a pattern for actually reading and writing code. I don't know when that time will be, could be tomorrow could be 2 months from now. Thing about change, it never happens until necessity requires it to happen. Like unemployement for example, you don't see people looking for work until they are broke basically. I don't have the numbers but i wouldn't be surprised if more then half of the people on unemployment don't find new jobs till at least 3 - 4 months into their unemployment and there are even more people who go the entire 6 months and don't find work until about a year later.

 

Well, something has to happen to trigger the change in my pattern and i am not sure if i can trigger that event on my own. Usually, the way it works is through either some inspiration or some kind of drastic event, neither which has happened. Eventually i will see or hear about something which will provide me the motivation to actually starting learning but until then i am stuck in limbo.

 

Until next time Journal ;P

[junebug123]

Day 1

 

A lot of people have this thing called No Contact where they refuse to contact or respond to their ex. Well, i am doing something very similar with my computer, for 6 months i will choose not to use the computer for any purpose other than school or computer programming with the exception of email, padora, online banking, weather channel, facebook. This means no youtube, no porn, no video games (which i haven't been playing at all), no watching other people play video games or handball.

 

I will write in my journal everytime i get the urge to use the computer for recreation purposes in the hopes that those urges will decrease and eventually die overtime much the way my video usage has died. I want to change my life, and i feel that this computer addiction is the only thing which is holding me back from making those changes possible.

 

This semester i am taking an advanced database class and statistics which i withdrew from once already. I am hoping to not fall behind in my classes like i did last semester, in fact i am looking forward to getting A's in both my classes.

[junebug123]

Ever feel like no matter what you do in life its like smashing your head against a brick wall. This is what i feel like right now. In spite of everything i have accomplished in terms of trying to live a normal life from 4 years ago when i was a homeless drug addict, i still feel this emptiness inside. This emptiness its like eating away at me from the very depths of my soul and no matter how hard i try to fill it up with handball, with friends, with computing, with money, even with problems, or exercise it remains ever present reminding me of who i used to be and where i come from in life.

 

Sometimes i feel like the source of all my problems is derived from my social standing in life, yet the most inconceivable truth is that i feel powerless to change that position to one of greater value. Maybe this is a problem that man has faced since the beginning of time, from the Sudras of the Indian caste system, to the Jews in Egypt, to the slaves of the new found land, to the Russian proletariat, etc. I mean how is it possible that something as simple as resources accumulated over time can affect the emotional status of a human being to such an extent.

 

I want to free myself of these archaic concepts and start living outside the box but its 1:19 in the morning and there is nothing to comfort me, only those thoughts which compel me to stay awake absent of happiness for the next few hours. Maybe, this is some sort of withdrawal i must be suffering since i denounced my use of the computer for any form of comfort. Well fvck my life i am miserable right now.

 

All this energy bottled up, i need to do something with it. I know, read a book or study programming well i am not used to doing that stuff. Even if i try, i will be anxious and feeling uncomfortable, i will not be able to fall into a rhythm and simply focus on the task at hand without constantly day dreaming and getting distracted every 5 to 10 minutes. I wish i was a wizard who could conjure up bouts of focus . . .

[junebug123]

Oh my god, and it has only been 3 hours from 10 - 1, wow i am a b1tch for reelZ!

[junebug123]

Day 2

 

Accomplished more last night in terms of learning programming then i had in 2 months. Needless to say i think the no computer rule was a good idea, now i just need to stick to it. I think last time i tried to quit i didn't set any goal and wasn't that serious about it, that's why quitting more then once is always helpful because the first time you quit you are just angry. It isn't until the 3rd or 4th time that you realize you actually have a problem and need to stop if you don't want to continue harming yourself.

 

The other good thing which happened was that i woke up at around 8:50 am and went to bed at around 3:20, this is an improvement from when i usually go to bed at around 4 something and wake up at 12:30 am. 6 Months ago when i first started this journal i thought i had everything, a job, a girlfriend, school life. It isn't until today that i realize how unimportant that job and girlfriend are in the long term. It's funny, when you are down in the rabbits hole how great your life is, it isn't until you actually pop your head up look around and realize how small your world truly is . . .

 

What's weird is how much i lamented losing those things which i valued so much at the time. It just goes to show you that emotions are one of the most ephemeral objects in the world, so many 'sane' people who commit suicide, murder, and other animal acts are just basing their behavior off an emotion which may or may not be there tomorrow. This has taught me another lesson as well, reacting to impulse is like reacting to an emotion, for too long i have been at the mercy of my anxiety, yesterday i decided that enough was enough. I think that some people with addiction issues like me, can read this journal one day and reflect on some of the small changes i have made, and what a big effects they have had on my life.

[junebug123]

Saw this movie today called 'boys on the run', weird yet very interesting. Its about this outcast who has horrible luck with women, constantly masturbates and fixates about getting laid all the time. Finally, he meets a regular girl who he could have a relationship with only he ruins it by trying to get head from the girl next store, and gets caught in the process. She never forgives him and betrays him at every turn, eventually she starts dating his best friend and gets pregnant in the process.

 

Towards the end of the movie he is still trying to redeem himself to the girl trying to win her back, yet to no avail. The girl ends up getting an abortion and decides to leave town never giving him another chance at love with him, blaming him for how things turned out between them. Racked by guilt at how everything has turned out and finding out that his best friend and also rival businessman man has stolen an idea which cost his company fortunes, he makes take a vow to fight him on the day the girl will leave town.

 

Finally at the going away party he makes one final plea to get with the girl but she still refuses to return his love. Regardless he shows up at his best friends job only to get his ass kicked and runs to meet his dream girl before she departs on the train home. Not only does he find out that she slept with another man besides his best friend, he finds out that she betrays him yet again by telling his now turned enemy what his tactics for the fight were. Still, he meets her and explains his plight how badly he wants to get with her and finally in the last scene of the movie she decides to give him oral sex, "quick lets find a toilet she says".

 

But, by then its too little, too late, what he wants is actually much deeper then an oral favor, he just to form some sort of meaningful connection with the female and explained that was the only thing he was ever serious about. Not realizing he liked her, or being too stubborn to understand that the poor boy was just too shy to come out and say that he actually loved him, she explains that she too was serious about the boy and now more then ever wants to be with him. The train starts to ring, ring, ring its going to depart, he throws her on the train in-spite of her attempts to stay with him; shortly after a conductor comes up to the young man and asks if he is okay, to which he smiles and puts a thumbs up. The movie ends with him running through the streets with a smile.

 

The director leaves us wondering if he is happy because his love was finally returned and a further act of love on the boys part was to send the girl home in spite of his love. Or, if the boy finally realized that the girl was never serious about him and that he is relieved to finally be done with her. The movie made it very apparent how much pain and suffering the boy and girl both brought each other by not being honest with their feelings towards each other, also there was a sense of resentment and anger between the two. Why did they resent each other, for not being honest about their feelings and for hating the other because how vulnerable they made each other feel or was it that they simply hated each other for him trying to sleep with her neighbor and her getting revenge on him by sleeping with his best friend.

 

One thing that is true to the story thou was how much time and energy was wasted with all the fighting and bickering. Nearly every step of the movie the two are actually working in the same building, yet they refuse to confess their love out of pride or fear of rejection. Okay, so maybe you noticed i was writing a lot because i am anxious or because this is day 2 of my no computer for 6 months. Either way i hoped you enjoyed my commentary: I know i ruined the movie already by explaining the plot, yet if you guys want to know the answer for yourself maybe you could watch it and send me a pm on why you think he pushes her out of the train.

[junebug123]

Day 3

 

Wow, i was looking at my older entries and i made this list at one point maybe around page 3 or 4, it looked like this.

 

Happy_____________________________________________ Depressed

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exercise__________________________________________ Spending time on the computer

Eating food_______________________________________Sleepin g or doing nothing

Doing school work_________________________________Self gratification

Reading doing art__________________________________Watching TV

Riding the bike/handball_____________________________Playing video games

Buying new clothes/sneakers________________________Spending money at the bar

Cleaning my room__________________________________Letting dirty clothes and dishes pile up in my room

Working 5 - 7 hours________________________________Not working, or working 7 - 10 hour shifts

Planning out my day________________________________Not knowing what to do

Getting dressed up looking good______________________Not having any nice clothes to wear

Pushing myself to wake up on time___________________Going to bed at 2 am and waking up at 11 am

Developing routines________________________________Having no structure in my life

 

Funny thing, is since i quit the computer i am not actually happier then i was before. I thought that happiness was a state of being, a static emotion and all this time i figured that things on the left side of the list would make me happy and things on the right side would make me depressed. Something that i figured out recently (day 3 btw) is that happiness isn't an emotion which is derived from repeating activities, and being in a constant state of happiness isn't actually possible. Happiness is only achieved through changes in moods.

 

What is a mood which actually is static? You see if you think about it, there aren't many moods which can be maintained for more then 30 an hour to an hour because moods change like the weather. As humans we can experience changes in our body chemistry and somehow we express those changes as different moods, but our body chemistry is ever changing with our needs. For example: if someone says they are stressed out (mood) it could mean they are hungry, it could mean they are tired, or it could mean they are anxious. But hunger, fatigue, anxiety aren't moods they are your bodies way of reacting to either food deprivation, sleep deprivation, or fear/over-excitement.

 

So, back to the question what is happiness and what causes happiness? The answer lies in overcoming these other obstacles hunger, fatigue, stress, anxiety by nourishing your body, resting your body, reproducing, or exercising your body. In other words, we cannot obtain happiness without first feeling a sense of loss in terms of food, sleep, or focus, only by overcoming these obstacles will we fill relief and as a reward our body provides us with dopamine, adrenalin, testosterone or melatonin.

 

Does this mean you have to torture yourself in order to feel happy? In a sense yes, however people can still feel sad by doing all the right things and actually become restless or bored by repeating the activities over and over. This is where i am right now, being bored without the change of any addiction to sway my moods. The only way for me to actually feel happy at this point is to increase or accelerate my activities thereby producing a change in the environment, similar to a video game which once played through was satisfying but repeated with a new time and better items can still bring joy.

 

Well, that's all for now journal. I hope my journal enjoys my good moods as much as my bad ones, personally writing about butterflies all day is boring to me but its good to look back and see the moments of clarity i project every now and then ;p

 

Juan

[junebug123]

Watching dollhouse right now. Haven't yet calmed down from my hangover mode, But i took a shower and i feel more relaxed now. I am doing good, i know not using the computer is hard but what i find interesting is that i am learning new ways to use my time everyday. I am just scared into falling into new patterns of addiction, like tv addiction or handball addiction. Sometimes i feel like i am walking on a tight rope and i am scared that i will lose my balance and fall before the 6 months is up. In the future i am going to stay away from purchasing beer because it is a waste of money and also, it isn't a necessary component in order to socialize, plus i end up feeling like **** the next day.

 

I need to learn how to spend more time focusing on programming and less time complaining about how i am bored, yet i have all this school work which needs to get done. I bought a frame for my road bike. I am very excited about building it up, all i need now is a everything else, lol. The frame i purchased is a steel frame called the torelli corsa strada which retails for 1160 with the fork but i got it on ebay for about 600 dollars. Yeah, i know that is a lot of money for a piece of metal, what's funny is that i never thought i would be this into bikes but, biking is like anything else if you want the nice name brand stuff you have to spend a little more.

 

The good thing about me, is that ill spend close to 2 - 3 k on a bike or a computer but when it comes to buying shoes, clothes, cars and other crap i will spend practically nothing. I am not a material person but i do have things which i value and bicycles just happens to be one of those things.

 

: )

[junebug123]

Day 6

 

Journal would you believe that i am sitting at starbucks right now because tensions are really high in my house?

 

The other day i went to make myself some tuna fish with mayonnaise and apparently she had purchased or her boyfriend had purchased it, but the point was that i ate it no realizing whose it was by accident. This created a conflict because he comes down at around 1:00 am or something trying to make tuna fish, only to find that i ate all the mayonnaise.

 

I explained that i would replace it but that wasn't enough. He goes upstairs and starts complaining to my sister like a little b1tch, angrily she comes down and now demands that i replace the tuna fish after i already explained to him that i would replace it. Now, i am annoyed because first of all its the family fridge so don't put your stuff in there and expect others not to use it, then i explained that if it was a problem that she should label her stuff. She refuses and wants me to say that i will replace it and is standing over me refusing to let me finish my show until i 'give in'.

 

Well, i wasn't about to tell her what she wanted enough was enough and i was making my own point and then i asked her if she wanted to wake up my parents over a can of mayonnaise. It was apparent that i wasn't going to concede and neither was she so i got up and told her to get out of my face and then i kept repeating it until she compiled. Well, she didn't and my parents woke up and her boyfriend comes down stairs and starts yelling at me then threatens me that if i ever talked to my sister that way again that he would attack me.

 

Rather then just trying to figure out what was going on, he resulted to the physical approach and had no intent on trying to diffuse the situation in fact he wanted to make matters worse by taking things into his own hands. I certainly didn't take the threat lightly and i think everyone was surprised by his behavior which was very over the top.

 

Basically journal the guy is staying with us rent free and wants to fight me over some $2.50 bottle mayonnaise in the fridge which i assured him i would replace. I would understand if i crashed his car, or hurt his child or something which warranted serious injury; but over some food which he left in a public domain, and over a fight he started? Did he expect that my sister would just come down tell me off and that would be that? Obviously not.

 

The situation is such that i don't want to deal with him now at all. I don't know what the future will hold but as far as i am concerned he is a problem. In fact anyone who wants to solve problems with their fists is a problem and what's more is that this isn't the first time that this kid has started **** between me and my sister. Well, we shall see how this all plays out.

[junebug123]

Sometimes i want to run

To make fun, to dance

to dilly dally, while others rally

at divinities peak, still i

seek uncertainty yet time

seems to lose

principles reflected almost

as if neglected i rebel

against every nerve

yet remain unperturbed

because those who watch

will remain forever at

the mercy

of society so

stop

the cycle retain reason

never forgive seasons

and all they may bring

we sing this song forgetting

our place, yet face ourselves

tasting each other

under crescent moons

while drowning in worries

relinquish unwarranted will

spilling pride

like burnt egos

building disaster

faster beyond

mastering milestones

forbidding crones

dying seconds

slung upon stars

into nothing begun

will end the way

i still remain

refraining from

destinies grasp

not knowing

what will become

of my unborn

sun

[junebug123]

Day 8

 

Last night i watched naruto and checked on this one video for this speed run. Turns out it was a problem because today i found myself watching a handball video on Facebook. I haven't been strict enough on myself.

 

Lately, i have been so fvcking depressed, all i feel like doing is sleeping and escaping reality. The whole situation triggered something in me which has caused me to fixate about the event over and over again. It has been 3 days now and i have not forgotten about the situation. Lately, i have been angry and getting little or no work done on programming what so ever. I feel like a prisoner in my room i cannot get away from my sister and her bf D, they are always home and even thou i spend time away from the house it isn't enough.

 

Right now i am tired and many nights have been restless, i am always angry and i need to let go i just don't know how. Last time someone threatened me it was at my job and i eventually quit because they refused to fire the dude. Now i am living in the same situation and it seems there is no escape. I find myself lost in my own world and feeling helpless to change any part of it, i know i need a distraction but the question is where or what?

 

I think i lost this hoody which meant a lot to and also i am spending a lot of money, everything is bad i don't know when things will change, i want my sister to leave; i just want to problem to be gone. During these stressful times i find myself more and more drawn to the computer for relief only it brings me depression, there isn't anything which can relieve me now, i feel as thou i need to break the pattern and soon before time is irretrievable.

[junebug123]

Day 10

 

This is going to be a long hot mess so bare with me reader.

 

The past week has been a story of handball and bike riding. In fact i have been playing so much handball and bike riding so much that i think i lost a few pounds. Strangely my body is getting used to all this abuse and i feel like wolverine right now because instead of injuring myself i am actually achieving faster recovery times.

 

Everyone in the family has pretty much isolated me at this point which isn't any surprising, except for my mom because unlike my step dad she isn't manipulated by my sister. What is weird is that she has been having nothing but problems with the dude, she was so upset that she even considered divorcing him and took me out to sushi and a movie. I did my best to advise her to stay with him, even thou i hate him i know that he makes her happy and even thou they have their rough patches, life without him would be very hard on her as she has shared a bed with the man for more than 2/3 rds of my existence.

 

Listening to Air radio station on pandora, drank a monster (don't know why at this ungodly hour). Sometimes i feel like the world is falling apart underneath me yet i manage to keep my head above the surface. I like the feeling of being immersed in chaos yet having the ability to breathe every now and then is just as well. Why chaos, well to answer this question, and this is coming from an extremist: it is better to live in an every changing world which you have no control over then to have control over a world which never changes.

 

Imagine life was a chess board you are the white pawn and the other white pieces around you are like your family, friends, economy, relationships; the black pieces can be drugs, violence, trouble with debt, relationship problems, mental illness. Now imagine that you are on a winning board, the position is favorable, the black pieces pose no threat, every move you make is 1 step closer to victory, where is the fun in that? Playing a game which you know you can win? Of course the opposite would be miserable where the black pieces were basically disabling any movement or progression for white and every move made only allowed black an advantage. I mean that isn't any fun either but after years i suppose that some people get used to losing, maybe they forgot how to win the game.

 

Sometimes i like to use metaphors to explain things because oftentimes there seems to be a very big disconnect between me and the person i am talking to. Maybe my mind is on a different wave length or frequency, people seem very rigid and unwilling to understand new concepts and ideas which can be alien to them. They don't realize that they are the problem 9 out of 10 times, and when you try to explain something to them they first assume that you are either wrong or don't know what you are talking about because it is unfamiliar to them. Rather then let their guard down and put blind faith into a new idea they would choose to live in the darkness of a never changing world.

 

This is what makes the difference between genius and normal/average. A genius is a person who is always willing to learn and understand new ideas and concepts, they aren't satisfied with just touching the surface, they need to get underneath it and scratch the very bottom. Children for example, they all have the potential to be geniuses, the way their mind works with ever increasing amount of neural networks available in which to process thoughts, gives them the potential to store vast amounts of information. As they get older, their brain will get rid of networks which aren't used as often and keep the ones which are constantly repeated, however humans aren't defined by their genetics we are defined by our will.

 

There is this song called Le Ritournelle by Sebestial Tellier It's very good and for some reason it always inspires me to stay strong and be happy. Its funny how much music can affect a persons mood, right now i have to really work on overcoming my anxiety issues, my mental stamina is so low i wonder what i can do to improve it. I bought two books about ADD yet i haven't finished reading Jane Eyre yet, i feel like an idiot, taking 3 months to read one book.

 

Yeah that is how bad my ADD is, ill read like 20 pages get anxiety and won't pick up the book for another week or so. Reading a 500 page book, well that will take me some time, lol. Lately thou i have been reading more and more because of my commitment to not using the computer. I know i broke my rule a few times but i am keeping track of the days because it gives me hope to keep trying and makes me feel better about myself : )

[junebug123]

Day 11

 

Funny how it took 11 days to pass before i felt motivated to actually start doing some work.

 

Finished watching episode 12 of dollhouse on netflix and i feel motivated to do work today. My shoulder is a little out of wack so its a perfect excuse for me to just stay home and work on the computer. Been reading a lot lately, i feel like my reading speed has improved and i don't get distracted as easily, of course the distractions depends on the settings.

 

I am noticing that the more time i spend doing certain things like reading, school work and programming the better i become and the more inclined i am in doing these things. Handball has been too much of a distraction for me as of late and i am not making the sort of progress which i would like to be making. Listening to this song called: 'Dictophone's lament', sounds interesting. I am wondering if there are people who decided that at age 27 that they would be the best at something and did nothing but master that one thing for the next 20 or 30 so years of their life.

 

I am looking for this drive, i don't know when it will come or if it will release me once i am in its grasp i just know that if i allow my addictive personality to overtake my need to socialize then i will accelerate at programming. My goals are so beyond my means and i really want to get into the habit of programming for at least 5 to 6 hours a day in order to make up for the time i have been wasting.

 

Well, i need to do school work now, funny how i am already feeling like playing handball and anxiety is crawling up my spine as i type. Learning to let that anxiety pass and stay on task is the biggest challenge for me, once i conquer that challenge i feel like the world will be at my finger tips.

[junebug123]

Day 13 Regression

 

less then 2 weeks in i crack. spent the past 7 hours watching mindless speed runs, plus i've been drinking alcohol. In fact the only thing i haven't done wrong is watch porn since the beginning or eat meat (fish is allowed), so eat red meat i should say.

 

How do i feel right now, worse then i felt before. Why? Because in-spite of everything i am miserable, and what is worse i thought this would bring me satisfication but in fact it only made me more miserable. Am i doomed now, well no, but have i learned anything.

 

Of course, i have learned a lot since i decided to restrict my internet usage to just programming and school. I will tell you what i have learned so far.

 

Number 1 i don't enjoy programming or at least i don't enjoy it right now which means that even thou i am not spending time on the internet i will spend more time reading and playing handball, so my original plan to stop using the computer doesn't solve the problem which is needing motivation to learn.

 

Number 2 going on facebook leads me to youtube and allows me to feel okay about watching a video, so no more facebook.

 

Number 3 I am going to have to set specific days out of the week when school work and programming needs to get done and then there can be other days where i can play handball, otherwise everyday becomes a handball day.

 

Okay. So even thou i have regressed it isn't like i haven't learned anything and what is more i need to start waking up earlier, i have decided that going to be before 2 am has helped me but i am not waking up at 9 or 10 am like i would like too, instead i find myself pulling the covers off at around 12:30 pm which is bad sometimes even 1:30 pm.

 

I would write more but i am not feeling it today, really i just want to eat mexican food right now but i would need to withdraw cash for that but hey its a plan and it is saturday night after all.

[junebug123]

Reflection

 

Journal, i think i have been a little too naive these past few weeks. Playing handball today i accidentally sprained my ankle, at first i didn't think much of the incident but later i learned how vulnerable it made me feel, how fragile i truly am. Maybe my ankle injury is similar to the situation with my sister and her boyfriend, i don't know why i always have to be the better person and forgive others for their offenses against me, yet to be unforgivable is to live a lonely life filled with regret. Sometimes it is better to swallow ones pride and to move on then to hold on senseless to a grudge which benefits no one.

 

The injury also made me realize how limited my time is and how reckless i have been behaving with it. Too often i will throw both time and money away, soon i feel i will be a ripe old age and have nothing to show for it. We often don't realize what we are capable of because constantly we hold ourselves to standards which others have set for us, yet if we try to improve ourselves and our standards we soon learn that we can accomplish much more. Sometimes i feel like my worth is not considered, and it is only due to the fact that i have not been meeting my potential. Often i am thinking only of the next instant when i should remember how empty i feel inside living moment to moment.

 

Enough of my blither blather, i feel as though the first 2 weeks were merely a task to see if i am worthy of a goal and maybe the next 5 months will be the actualization of that vision. Maybe in 5 months time i would have rid myself of not only mindless computer usage but also of TV and staying in bed late. By setting my goal low, i can achieve it with little or no effort and improve on it overtime.

 

Wish me luck.

[junebug123]

Feeling really worked up right now, i don't know what to do with myself maybe i will make tea and try to read or something . . . This is why i shouldn't drink alcohol because after doing my school work my mind got really fired up, im guessing i am just anxious from yesterday's drinking.

 

Plus with a sprained ankle it sucks even more being awake.

 

I know why don't i program or something, i need to start having courage and stop being afraid of the god damn computer.

 

Maybe ill just read a book, jesus i don't know what the hell to do at this hour.

[junebug123]

Day 14 Reality

 

I have identified the feeling which has been bothering me all along. The most curious thing, is that this feeling isn't foreign to me at all, it is a feeling which i am very familiar with yet have been unable to admit to myself for so many years. In fact if i told you that this entire journal was created to overcome this feeling you would think me a damn fool.

 

Reader, can you guess what this feeling is?

 

Take one guess.

 

Before you do that, let me backtrack a little and explain how i spent my day. Woke up at around 1:23 pm, cleaned the kitchen made pasta, went to my room. My ankle is still sprained plus it has been snowing outside so there wasn't much for me to do, finally i decided to watch some Spartacus, went downstairs cleaned more of the kitchen watched law and order with my mom & step dad.

 

Came to my room and started to program a little. Surprisingly, it was an enjoyable experience, finished doing some homework. Went down again ate a pie and spent the rest of day studying.

 

Why did i do all of this? What was my motivation? Truth, there was none i was just bored so why did i decide to study today as appose to other days? Nothing to lose, maybe i decided it was finally time?

 

No.

 

The feeling is fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being able to maintain any level of happiness while studying, fear of being bored, fear. That is the answer i have been searching for all along, although i was too prideful to admit to myself. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies.

 

Listening to behold

 

I am wondering how much of my life i have been living in fear, maybe that is the true manifestation of a paranoid schizophrenic, they fear reality so they make one up which they can cope with. The truth is too much for their mind to handle and what is upsetting is that it has taken me so long to realize this . . .

 

You know that feeling you get when you are searching and searching for something and you finally find it after months if not years and it isn't at all what you expected it to be. That's how i feel right now.

 

I don't know what to do with myself at this point, start a new journal keep writing i mean whats the fvcking point i feel so powerless. All the knowledge in the world doesn't mean **** if you can't fvcking apply it because you are scared. I need help, i need therapy, this is so apparent. You would think that you could solve everything on your own by reading, writing, discovering secrets kept deep in your psyche only to learn that they are beyond your reach in terms of what we can and cannot cope with.

 

You see i am not actually scared of programming, or studying, there is something else in my subconscious which i am scared of, and when i do any intense thinking it is triggered. I need to be able to just be without worrying, distracting, confusing, mixing emotions, my mind is like a whirlpool and even thou i found the source of the problem i have no idea how to prevent it from spinning out of control.

 

Maybe i will spend the next 5 1/2 months trying to understand that fear and learn how to manage it, so that one day i will be able to harness all that energy and use it to do something more productive then hiding behind a computer all day . . .

[junebug123]

Day 15 Reclaiming my Life

 

At one point in my life when i was around 15 or 16, i felt as if i feared nothing not even death itself. This confidence gave me power to manipulate my world as i saw fit, yet 'with great power comes great responsibility' (spider man) and my confidence soon gave way to experimenting with drugs, alcohol, heartbreak, disruptive behaviors which others saw as rude (cursing people out, getting loud for no reason).

 

I started to re-examine the way i choose to live and considered that in my older years i would have to be more conservative: stop partying all the time, stop being so compulsive. I feared that my actions would lead to my demise and after getting arrest 9 times in 6 months i realized i was out of control. Little by little i hit the brakes, and more often then not i was actually becoming the exact opposite of who i was. In essence i was turning from a wilder beast into a zombie, i needed to find a balance; it made no sense to be reckless with self destructive behaviors and not with productive behaviors.

 

You see growing up, no one with the exception of my mother taught me any productive behaviors, and even those behaviors which she tried to enforce were anxiety driven. Homework was never fun for me as a child i didn't enjoy the act, i rather watch tv or play Nintendo and there she was nagging away every moment trying her best to see me fit to past classes. I think my behavior in school was so disruptive that my school tried to place me in classes bellow my abilities.

 

By the time i was in the second grade i could spell every word on the test, read small novels, know my times tables up to the 9 times table, in short i was smarter then the average students and as a result i was put in accelerated learning classes. Benefits of having a mother pursuing a masters degree, while other students probably had parents who either didn't graduate high school or didn't spend much time with them. Little by little my learning was being nurtured by being around others who were of equal or greater intelligence but my environment with all its negative stimulation would be my downfall.

 

Junior high school was really hard on me, i was accepted into this school called the 'Clinton School for writers and Artists', in the city. I remember feeling lost and confused having to take the train from Brooklyn to the city after being drop off from Staten island in the mornings. The city was so different, i actually made friends who were used to this environment and as a consequence i started acting up. I am not sure what happened, could be i was disruptive in classes or that i got into this fight (which was never reported) or that i walked out of school one day, following this girl who was sick and thinking classes were over.

 

Everything is scary when you are turning 11 or 12, by this time my school principle wanted my mother to take me out stating that they overlooked some grade i received in the third grade for bad conduct? I don't remember the details of why i left, maybe some of the teachers were complaining (not sure i was 11), but i was transferred to this school in Staten Island were things got even worse. It was my zoned school and i was placed in accelerated classes and school become boring for me. Being smart isolates you from others for some reason, i couldn't relate to the other children, i made a few friends but remained the class clown. I always seem to need negative attention, being that it was my zoned school and not like a privileged school or anything, they were used to this behavior and tolerating it. In fact my behavior was nothing compared to other students who would try to sell drugs, get into fights, make out, some had sex in the 8th grade.

 

I mean i don't need to get into the history of my entire life, but i never had any stability in terms of my behavior and it seems only rational that at the ripe age of 27 i am struggling to stabilize or come to terms with my own behavior. I want to be that fearless child of 16, but i want to use that confidence to do good with my life, not seek out self destructive behaviors; i feel like looking back at my life at the rocky course it has taken, no wonder i am who i am today. I am a product of years of anxiety, chaos, confusion, that stuff will never leave me it is what this vessel considers normal, expecting to leave those behaviors because my standards have changed is absurd. Funny, how our standards change based on our needs, back then being chaotic was fun there were never any standards; now at 27 it seems like everything is a fvcking standard.

 

So progress: no starcraft, porn, more time spent programming, doing school work.

 

Needs: no facebook, no youtube, spend more time programming, become more confident, stop fearing the future, stop fearing change.

 

I need to allow change to happen to grow . . . I am just scared of what is waiting on the other side, i don't know how to live any other way. Video games is what defines me in life, take that away i feel lost?

[junebug123]

Day 16 Break through

 

Past 2 days have been productive. First off, my bike frame came in and i am really happy with that. Its a Torelli Corsa Strada 57 cm, with fork. Originally priced at 1160, purchased for 650 shipping included on ebay, and it was my fav color blue. Guess i get lucky in life sometimes! I really wanted this frame, i just didn't want to spend the money on it, as with all things in life. Now, i just have to wait for my components, and my wheels to come from UK. I can't wait to get on it and put the burn on riders.

 

Listening to my favorite song right now, "Girl from ipanema" by Gilberto and Getz . I am pretty sure the version on youtube was only with getz but on Pandora it has the Brazilian or should i say Portuguese intro. Anyways, my good feeling kind of died down as i finished listening to that song, geez my mood swings are really irradiate. Okay, anyhow, i think what happened is that since i sprained my ankle i have no choice except to program now or be bored, because handball isn't an option but either way i am making progress, little by little

 

Also, lately i have been playing a lot of tetris, but somehow its okay because it stops me from watching videos and because i am playing it on facebook i can only play for a little before i am out of energy.

 

I go for now journal, ttys

[junebug123]

Day 17

 

Regression, again!

 

I keep falling into this pattern of doing good and then messing up by getting stressed out and getting distracted. Usually what will happen is that i will fall into a certain pattern of thinking and get lost in that pattern for 3 hours until i realize opps, i should have been doing this instead but then by that time i have already wasted 3 hours and now i don't feel motivated anymore. I need to create a schedule. Maybe ill set my phone to remind me of when i need to do certain things.

 

If it wasn't for planners people would waste their life away like, however i also realize that every now and then i need to take a break from studying because my focus and concentration drops significantly if i try to push myself. I just need to know when a brake is a brake and when its time to study again. Feeling weird about my classes because i haven't been keeping up with my school work.