This is just a Jorunal that i am starting to track my behavior and triggers.

[junebug123]

OKay, i am stuck now in that ambivalence feeling again. After playing handball, i had another unproductive day spending time on the computer doing nothing productive. Even thou i stopped playing starcraft, it hasn't stopped me from watching more youtube videos to supplement that time. I am now deciding no more fvcking youtube either. My hope is that i will become so bored that i will have no choice other than to work out or read a book. It is now 12:19 pm, i was suppose to do homework but i got lazy and decided to spend my time watching starcraft videos like an idiot. I still think of wanting to play starcraft and i need to stop doing things which remind me of it. Some of you who read this are probably thinking that i should just get married to the Disc at this point as it has replaced my need for a women in my life, i don't think you guys are far from the truth.

 

Today, i had a moment of clarity when making some food in the kitchen. I was thinking about my sister and how successful she has been with her life, getting a man and now having a baby. It pisses me off, and has fueled new motivation for me to do good and earn more than her and rub it in her face. Growing up i used to be the best at everything to get more attention from our parents, i had better grades, was better in sports, was better at social events, was in better shape until i hit the age of 15 when i went into a very serious depression and she took that time to start really doing good. While, i was going through this depression she was working making money, going out, buying nice outfits, eventually started going to college, basically she was in the spotlight. My depression only got worse over the years, i dropped out of school, was homeless, got addicted to drugs, started getting arrested, life was really really bad, sometimes i look back and wonder how i survived it all. Through all this my sister was no where to be found, she was busy doing her thing, busy busy little bee she was. I resent her for it.

 

Recently she helped one of our cousins get a job as a translator through a temp agency. I asked my mom, "What's the name of that agency she goes to?". My mom responds with, "Oh, i don't know." "How come she never offered to help me get a job there", was my reply. "You and your sister don't get along very well, it seems she has taken a liking to that boy, i actually think she has an inside connection to the temp agency someone she knows works there.", was what my mom said.

 

This is when it hit me, my mom thinks my sister is better than me. That really pissed me off a lot. Everything is baby this, and baby that. They have been spending so much time at my sisters apartment, yeah i know i am acting like a baby right now but i don't GIVE A FVCK.

 

I am pissed off, if there is one thing i hate more than anything in the world is my sisters besting me at getting more love from our mother than me. They will all learn their lesson, i will teach it to them personally and then when they ask me for something, it could be dollar you know what my response will be?

[junebug123]

Today i reached a new emotional high, i was trying to write the word meaning a platform ( Pe - la - toe ) or the summit of a mountain ( the word escapes me now, if someone knows what i am talking about PM me please as it is driving me crazy right now ). Either way i have kind of gotten over my need of starcraft and i decided to impose new restrictions on my life. As embarrassing as this may be it is only necessary for me to grow and mature, no more youtube and no more porn. Not that i watch a lot of porn, which i find boring and fake, yet the idea of using it as a medium to achieve an organism is very self for filling. It is unfortunate that i have become dependent on it to some extent or even to self gratification to help me sleep at night. I remember one time i was friends with this church girl who encouraged me to never masturbate saying that it is a sin. It was really really hard, i think i barely made it like two weeks and by the end of the second week i was so horny that i started visualizing females naked. Anyways, enough about that as i have already embarrassed myself by my own thoughts, eventually i will be able to elaborate more on these sorts of thoughts and not stop myself but currently my conscious won't allow it.

 

I had class this morning again, boy was i tired. I spent the entire night up watching youtube videos till like 4 in the morning then i had to wake up around 7:30 - 8 am and i got to class 20 minutes late. This is the other reason i decided no more youtube no more porn. Already i have seen some changes in my thoughts, to the extent that the computer has been influencing my behavior was very severe. As i move further and further away from these activities i am having more thoughts to things not related to computers and i am well on my way to becoming more social and less introverted.

 

There were times when i would be so lonely and depressed that i would be forced to go out and enjoy my weekend, however the computer allows me to stay in and still stay stimulated. Take it out of the equation i feel like i am getting my life back from when i lost it at around 14 years old.

 

Yes i know very profound.

[junebug123]

Sunday morning, i have been eating very well as of late due to all this left over thanksgiving food. IT happens every year, last year i was really angry because my mom made me throw the bird out, due to the fact that i didn't finish eating it fast enough and that it was going bad. I told myself i wasn't going to let it happen. Sunday is my work day, there is a lot of homework to be done, soon i will be heading to do laundry for the first time in 3 weeks, then i will rest a little and clean my room. I literally have no clothes to wear, it shows how unorganized i am.

 

There other day i started drawing again, maybe i will post a picture of one of my drawings so you guys can see the type of work i do. I was drawing this Werewolf character from a Heavy Metal Magazine. Heavy Metal is an adult fantasy illustration magazine which comes out every month. I have over 20 copies, it usually contains like rogue comics or popular ones. They gain money through advertising some weird hentai company or how to draw books, they have many famous illustrators like Frank Frazetta (google his name if you are unfamiliar with the artist). He paints things like this .

 

I don't know how this will look as i have never used this forum to upload photos. Anyhow, i am keeping to my promise of not watching youtube, playing starcraft or watching porn as loserish (yeah i know i made that word up) as that sounds. More and more lately, my mind and body are free to pursue other endeavors. My next goal, is to look for a job, one that i enjoy and one that is related to computers. Lately, i have been having a surge of confidence but it is not to be taken for granted because dark days are usually around the corner when i start to get good feelings. For some reason all my positive feelings have been attributed to this journal which has helped me grow and reflect to levels i never imaged.

 

When i write in this journal, i feel like i am pouring out all the bad feelings and leaving them here to allow new feelings to enter my being. Some of those new feelings are good some or maybe a lot of them were bad. If you read the first 12 entries you would probably notice how many of those feelings were all about me feelings like **** and not eating, and being depressed. Also, i want to limit the time i spend playing handball in the future as that limits my capacity for finding suitable work. The heart of the problem lies with my ADHD, once i start doing something i don't enjoy i basically start getting retarded anxious to the point where it becomes unbearable to continue.

 

Like right now, i am getting anxious. Right now i hear the buzzing of my laptop fans going full blown even thou it is very quiet as this is a high end laptop. Next my fingers feel like they are going to fall off and my heart is beating a little faster than normal. Every-time i write a sentence my thoughts are being interrupted by new thoughts to do something else in order to make the anxiety go away. Strangely i feel calm now that i have become aware of it creeping up on me, but that doesn't mean that once i relax again that i won't get more anxious. It comes down to two things, first thing being that i cannot be aware of every thought that enters my mind as it becomes emotionally draining for a period of more than 20 - 30 minutes (there are many exercises in meditation and self awareness which allow for the relaxation of the mind). In order to relax one most focus and clear their minds, yet in this world we live in today, that is like impossible as i don't live near a river or a forest or a mountain free of distractions.

 

I want to talk about my childhood briefly, growing up my mother was very poor like welfare poor. As a child i have memories of my mother and father fighting in the hall, loud screams and banging. When i was 2 - 3 i started to have many baby sitters, i would rarely see my mother only if she had to put me to bed or wake me up to go to school. These baby sitters would never do anything fun with me, most of my childhood consisted of being at a nursery at my mothers college or watching TV at the baby sitters. Growing up my mom had a few boyfriends, it actually wasn't until i was the age of 8 that she met the many she was going to marry. As a kid we would move a lot. At one point early on after her failed relationship with my father, my mom was living in a battered women's shelter. She was working and going to school all the time. Basically, she was living her life.

 

I don't really regret the way i was brought up at all and i had many found memories of daycare, after school programs, playing with blocks toys, playing on the jungle gym. The problem was that i had so much free time, that i developed a very over active imagination which would eventually lead to me having serious problems in my late teen years. Also, due to the lack of social activities i experienced as a child, lead to me having many problems when it came to sympathizing with others. Growing up i hated my mom for a long long time, and i came to hate women as well feeling like because i couldn't trust my mom to be there for me as a child, that women couldn't be trusted to be there for me as an adult. More and more, i learn how my past is affecting my future; i am twenty six now, i want to lead a healthy life but i have to overcome so many of these emotional problems before i can move on.

 

I can't remember how many times, i have tried to move on with my life and leave my house only to fail again and again and again. Many times the reason i fail will be to not holding a job, why can't a i hold a job, because i have problems when it comes to dealing with others and eventually there will be that one person who makes my life a living hell. People they have a six sense about noticing flaws in others, and because their life sucks so much they try to make their days easier by giving me problems. I am not the type of person who can deal with conflicts or resolve them quickly, almost everything done against me feels like a personal attack and the need to defend myself is constant. Many times i realize i am playing the victim but feel helpless to stop myself from those lines of thinking which have become like second nature.

 

I will end it here. This was soo long, if i go back and try to read it i am sure i will get annoyed with myself for writing so much.

 

Here are some drawings as i promised you, one is pencil the other two were ink alone.

[junebug123]

Surge

 

Anxiety depriving me whats left of my sanity

Like a pyre of emotions in a bountiful ocean

I feel I'm losing my addictions and its causing confliction

Going through the all of the motions, unforgiving in devotion

 

Lost and confused by all this delusions

Trying and prying always failing and dying

Relinquishing the will for a lack of conclusions

Untrained mind, always succumbing; to the need for more crying

 

When will i learn, never ending, immortal in this

Convoluted spiral reproducing animosity

Lamented, lonely and loathing life of an antagonist

Sill i wonder if i can escape this?

Slowly growing and becoming the master Of misanthropy

[junebug123]

Monday, i feel good today. Spent the majority of the night doing homework, my check finally came so now i start eating regularly again that's always good. I haven't been on youtube or starcraft either so i have been feeling better overall. I still need to learn how to manage my time during the day so that i am actively looking for work. One of my assignments was to do research on companies i would want to work for, i was surprised by the amount of negative feedback i received from so many of the companies i was thinking of working for. Originally i wanted to be become a personal trainer, but i started learning more and more that personally trainers don't make a lot of money, unless they go private and most of the money they do make goes to the gym you work for anyways.

 

I also learned that the companies i was researching were doing bad in terms of how in debt they were and how much money they were making compared to the money they were losing. This one website called link removed had all this information about how many employee's work for the company, how much money it makes, the price of the stock, a lot of really detailed information. Some of the other research i did on companies pertained to how the company was treating employees, turns out this one company had an open door policy, which was they use new employee's to get their friends to join or acquire memberships and work them bloody for about 3 - 6 months, then they just fire them and find another person to do it to, in the hopes of trying to acquire as many memberships in a short period of time. This wasn't just like one person's experience either, it was like many many people were citing the same thing over and over again.

 

For some reason, one the way back from starbucks and doing a lot of homework including taking an online midterm which was 2 hours long (at least it took me that long) i had a really exciting bike ride home. It made me realize how much i miss riding the bike and being a messenger. I don't miss the lousy pay, poor treatment and bad working conditions thou. I am starting to realize more and more how ruthless companies are in respect to how they pay employee's, it seems like the law is totally on the side of the business owner and there is little anyone can do to even things out sort of starting a union. I know i shouldn't take it personal, but its just hard if you don't have like a city job or a job that pays good. More and more i am happy that i am getting my education and i look to get my masters degree after this. Knowledge is power, without it we will fall prey to every con and scam artist. I used to think that experience was power, but i am dead wrong about that, you can learn from someone else's experiences and use that to your benefit. Like you don't need to walk into a lions den to find out that most people who do end up dieing.

 

I have decided to make a list of all of the behaviors which make me happy and all of the behaviors which make me anxious or depressed

 

Happy_____________________________________________Depressed

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exercise__________________________________________Spending time on the computer

Eating food_______________________________________Sleeping or doing nothing

Doing school work_________________________________Self gratification

Reading doing art__________________________________Watching TV

Riding the bike/handball_____________________________Playing video games

Buying new clothes/sneakers________________________Spending money at the bar

Cleaning my room__________________________________Letting dirty clothes and dishes pile up in my room

Working 5 - 7 hours________________________________Not working, or working 7 - 10 hour shifts

Planning out my day________________________________Not knowing what to do

Getting dressed up looking good______________________Not having any nice clothes to wear

Pushing myself to wake up on time___________________Going to bed at 2 am and waking up at 11 am

Developing routines________________________________Having no structure in my life

 

Hopefully, i can always look back at this list and learn what behaviors to follow and which ones will lead me astray. Like i said before, it is always easier not to think and allow ourselves to fall into these self destructive patterns. I plan on riding the bike to the city today and sorting out what i can do about my sentencing court, part of the reason i have been unable to find good jobs is do to a lengthy criminal background which includes about 8 - 9 A/B class misdemeanor charges. HR usually equates 3 misdemeanor charges to equal a felony conviction, so you can imagine how hard it would be for a person like me to find a decent job when every time they run my back round in this economy and compare me to every other applicant. It fvcking sucks and i live in NYC which has no statue of limitations on any of the charges, most of the dirt i did was back in 2006 -2007 but **** pops up so what can do you except accept jobs which most Americans refuse to do . . . Woe is my life.

[junebug123]

I was going through really serious withdrawal yesterday as my internet connection was having problems! I seriously need to learn how to break a simple encryption using this linux program but didn't want to invest the time i learning some of the commands and troubleshooting it even thou i went through the time of installing a virtual box on this laptop so that i could simultaneously run linux and windows operating systems on one terminal.

 

Yesterday i was so bored that i actually went to the gym, it was fun. I ran 2.4 miles in 20 minutes (that's an average of about 7 minutes a mile, that's not bad but no where near college level which is like 4 - 5 minutes a mile, keeping up that pace my heart would probably jump out of my chest). After all that running, i was all sweaty and stinking and wanted to go home but i forced myself to do 30 pull ups (20 assisted), 30 chair dips, 40 - 50 lateral raises, 60 lunges (not sure if that is correct grammar), and 60 one arm rows. Originally i wanted to work out and post my results on this one thread started by 'lala-pops' called beach body, but than i realized i had no control over when that thread could be shut down due to people making silly comments and moderators having control to close threads, so i'm keeping my results in my journal.

 

I also had some crazy dreams last night as well. Basically i walked around in this big supermarket (i don't know why i am in a giant supermarket in all my dreams, maybe i got lost in one as a child or something), i am not sure if you would call like a K-mart or a Target a supermarket actually its department store, well w/e. I am walking around shopping with my sister, mom, step-dad, and i go to this one aisle which has toy skateboards wrapped in plastic, protected by cardboard. I start playing with them even though they are in the box, like standing on them throwing them around and stuff but gently as to not break any. Next thing i know i am walking like back and forth getting lost, the lights are bright, and there are so many turns in between aisles, everything is white, the floors, the ceilings (20 feet high). Eventually i make it back to the skateboard again, my alarm goes off 8 am, i went to bed around 4 am. Its raining so i go over and hit the snooze button but i must have pressed some other button so the alarm just stops and i go into another dream which lasts 3 - 4 hours eventually walking up around 12: 30 am.

 

The other dream was more interesting, i am walking on some weird trail, there are trees, and rocks and dirt and most of the trail there is concrete or tar. As i am walking i meet this girl and we walk together. I find the girl to be attractive but than problems happen as people start to try to attack us. We are running but it seems like we are going to be badly injured soon as more men join the chase including nazi's wielding pistons and automatic weapons ( i watched bullet proof monk earlier so that's where i got the nazi's from ). Somehow i discover i have to power to control the men by touching them, systematically i force them to kill one another using their bodies as a shield from the bullets and dodging the rest, the girl miraculously avoids injury too. In the dream she is like 5'11, strong, athletic, darkish like dirty blond (very dirty), probably brown eyes, wearing tight jeans and a red shirt, with a button up shirt over it (maybe it was yellow i can't remember). Then we start getting chased by this giant troll man who is like 20 feet tall and must weigh about 400 pounds. The trail is taking some weird loops, hills, ups and downs, we get to this section where there is water running. Somehow i manage to touch him in order to control him (that's my power in the dream). The next thing i remember the troll is gone and now its the girl who is turned into the size and shape of the troll, but she isn't scary like him at all, she is very tall and strong maybe like 310 pounds and 15 feet, but she is naked now and she is carrying me on her back. I know its really weird. That's all that happens, some how i was able to remember both the dreams i had.

 

Before going to bed thou, i played this game called chrono trigger on my panadora. ITs a very small handheld computer device which can hold a lot of ****. Ill put a link below to what is looks like and what it does. I know the videos are quite long but it was those videos which actually made me want to buy the damn thing, it is really expensive fyi.

 

 

 

Anyways, back to chrono, i am so far towards the end of it, it is really an amazing rpg with a crazy story line, time travel, mix of culture, music, a variety of possibilities ( 8 different endings depending on chooses you make during the game ). The game is really cool to say the least, there is also a very cool combat system and a team special ability where if two characters or three characters are combating, they can use a super move together, but you have to level them up together in order for them to learn the super moves (tech 2/ tech 3). So yeah, i am big into emulators started playing emulators when i was like 16 years old, i lost interest as i get older , but now i am back into playing them again. Most of the games i played as a child are on emulators today anyways. Besides i hate the video game industry today, nothing they do is original and more and more games they make is very much into making money and very little into game design (like the music industry). Video game developers are making games based on fvcking movies and ****, where is the thinking in that?

 

I missed you guys at ENA, even if it was only for 10 hours, and i was going through so really crazy withdrawal from the computer but it made me start thinking if i could make it a week without computer than i wouldn't need it for anything really except for this journal and to do my online banking, and check the weather wait i am writing too much already about my computer uses. I also want to apologize if there are many typos and stuff, as i am writing really fast a lot of the time and not bothering to go back and check some of the things i write. Also i realize my writing style is really poor as i use mainly my left index finger and my right middle finger to type.

 

Today, its raining so i have spent most of the time indoors, but that isn't going to stop me from applying online and doing homework. bye bye for now.

[junebug123]

Holy ****, guess what my unemployment checks are finally coming in. I just looked at my account and it says that they released 2 weeks worth of checks and it takes 3 days to process. Plus i got my school money, Fvcking aye its about time i was fvcking starving and desperate. I am very ready to start attacking the job market even thou i can get free money, personally i don't give a **** about that UE money at all, is like nothing compared to what i can make usually (any money is good thou right now, and i am very happy), and the other thing is i am fvcking bored out of my mind, and i need something to do on a day to day basis. I am thinking of taking up an internship so that i can slowly work my way towards getting a higher paying job.

 

I found out yesterday that my mom is going to have my sister move in our house! So that she can save money to buy this ****ty old house in Staten Island. Dude that means that she and her BF are going to be banging next door and probably moaning and the fvcking dogs barking and the baby crying. It is like everytime i window opens and door closes and as for my peace and quiet, well the door is getting slammed in my FACE.

 

However, with these new moneys i can finally get the drivers license i desperately want and that will make me a whole late marketable, hell maybe ill get my E class drivers license and become a trucker for my biological dad or something. i would be taking home like 500 - 600 dollars off the books every week if i did that, enough to move out or to start paying back some school loans at least. Anyways, i learned something very important about myself today and why my need for the computer is so strong.

 

Let me talk about my day first. I woke up late but you already know that, i ended up going to barnes and nobles and buying about 40 dollars worth of books, i need to keep reading, as i have been not doing that of late and i have been bored since my internet time has been limited significantly. I think i bought this one book i lost, another one called 'less than zero', heavy metal magazine, and this one book called how to win friends and influence people (recommended to me by an ex girlfriend C, i guess she thought i needed to read that ****). When i came home, i was exhausted, for some reason i was wearing these really sort cut jean shorts, people were staring at me like crazy thinking i was one of the village people, but really they were just biking shorts. One guy was snickering really loudly at 5 guys ( a burger joint ), and it was raining really hard, i guess everyone thought i was crazy because it was cold and who the fvck would be wearing shorts except some idiot who enjoys the free-ness of them on a cold day. Also, i have really big legs i mentioned that earlier so my legs don't really get cold as fast, but i am sure they could tell just big looking.

 

I just made some ramen noodles, and i am excited about going to the gym. Oh yeah, back to what i was saying about needing the computer. I learned that after that whole ordeal at the book store that i was stressed out. I needed some downtime with my brain, watching tv and computer helps me relax my brain. I never occurred to me at all, its like beer you drink it about forget about your problems, you feel relaxed but that relaxing feeling can become addictive, like a smack head who needs the heroin needle to relax his nerves. I can tell you personally, i have done heroin before and it is the most boring drug in the world. It is good if you want to take a nap and that's about it. Part of the fun for some people is the feeling of death, like you get so relaxed that you start blacking out temporarily and you start to lose control of your limbs. There are many more drugs that are way more fun than heroin, like acid, mushrooms, etc. etc. Ultimately thou, at the end of a hard day, you don't want your mind to be stimulated at all by doing anything crazy, you just want to relax and let the exhaustion wash away.

 

Funny story about drugs and street life. Many criminals who get arrested lose the addiction to the drug once they are incarnated for a period of time and have the ability to get back on their feet and start stabilizing their lives again. Reasons why the prison system sucks thou, is because they throw you out there to be homeless, jobless, and unable to fend for yourself with a record that shows that no one will want to hire you; so when criminals hit the streets again, they resort to the behaviors that lead them in there to begin with, not knowing any other lifestyle or having any means of support. That is what addiction is like for me, it is not the qualities of the high, it is always the behaviors involved with the addiction.

 

Ex. Addiction to sex, never about the organism, always about the challenge in trying to reach it.

 

Ex. Addiction to work, not about the money, but about going somewhere, feeling important and having a purpose in life.

 

Ex. Addiction to food, never about the hunger, about the thrill of being somewhere nice, being comforted by sitting down, the release of stress involved in the meal time.

 

Ex. Addiction to alcohol, never about the feeling of being drunk, about the social aspect and feelings of acceptance that go along with the world of drinking.

 

Ex. Addiction to computer, when i fill this one i will be able to stop being addicted.

 

Breaking an addiction is all about what the trigger is. When you know the trigger and what the addiction leads to the activity itself becomes meaningless.

[junebug123]

This morning is really crappy, i was feeling happy earlier but now i feel a little depressed. I have been wanting to start applying for jobs and i have this big homework assignment to do. The problem is i don't feel motivated to do any of it. Maybe i should go to starbucks because i can really focus there; lately starbucks has been my cure to getting **** done. The other problem is my body is sooo sore, i ran like 3.6 - or 3.8 miles yesterday in 30 minutes. I ended up walking the last leg of it because my body was done 2 minutes into the 3 mile mark. Some of the girls at the gym were checking me out, they were probably like damn if that ***** can run that hard and that fast for so long, imagine what he would be like in bed. The weird thing thou was that i wasn't really feeling them, i have this thing about females who are available, even if they are attractive; it just turns me off knowing that i wouldn't have to work to get their attention. It's like money on the floor, i rather work hard to earn it and spend it, than to just find it there and feel worthless picking it up; the reality is yeah after you find free money and spend it, it feels great but that's the first time, same thing with women after the first girl i grabbed that wanted me the mystery was instantly fulfilled and i realized i needed some challenge.

 

I wanted to wake up early today, and i actually woke up like fairly early 8 am, but then i just let the alarm keep going until it stopped and feel back asleep. I was so lazy i didn't even bother getting up to hit the snooze, than this women from the 'SQUEEZE' called me again to work, but i told her i tried it one day and didn't like it. She felt embarrassed, how do you work in HR and not even know who the fvck you called and who you didn't call, that **** is just ghetto. The good thing, was that i woke up shortly after she called and started to go about my day. Today, i was thinking of going to the indoor courts after getting some work done, but like i said my body is still killing me. Maybe i am getting old, maybe i just need to get adjusted to this working out thing.

 

Oh yeah the work out:

 

30 dumb bell chest press

30 dumb bell should press

30 chair dips

30 barbell triceps extension

30 hammer curls

60 sit up (half were inclined)

30 abdominal (side crunches)

30 reverse crunches

30 hanging leg raises

30 hanging knee raises

60 back extension

Running 3.7 miles

 

I know it seems like a lot to do in about 2 in half hours, but i tend to do multiple exercises continuously called cycles which work different muscle groups. For example ill do like 10 curls, 10 should extensions, 10 bench press, 10 triceps extensions rest for 1 - 2 minutes and repeat for 3 sets. This is a more intense way of working out and it isn't really about lifting the biggest weights (i don't do that cause i don't want to risk injury). Most people work on 1 or 2 groups of muscles at a time, like they will do chest and arms one day, then legs another day, then abs another day. That is really boring, i am not a professional or anything in fact i am very far from it but i don't just stick to machines or free weights when i go into the gym. Everything is planned, i read books and stuff to try to hit as many muscle groups as possible. A lot of the guys in the gym have like really big arms, shoulders, chests but really weak legs and back muscles. Those are the type of guys who get beat up in a fight if they can't 1 punch because their muscle mass makes their body spend energy really fast, they are less mobile, and all their muscles are concentrated in 1 area. You can tell just by looking at them, looks like if they get pushed they will lose balance and fall over, due to having weak leg muscles important in stabilizing all that mass. Then there are those guys who are lifting like the entire machine, dude one time i was going to this gym and it was obviously that guy was on 'roids, all you saw on him were like needle scars on his tan skin (it was ugly). But he was really big in a really nice way (he was developed all around legs, glutts, abs, back, chest, arms).

 

Man, i really should get to work, im going to put up some pictures of when i used to messenger so you guys can get some perspective of what it is like to see the city through my eyes.

 

 

[junebug123]

I am very anxious right now, i think i am going to be sick, that's how anxious i am right now. I need to take a bath or something to calm me down i am going crazy right now. Something i learned about myself, making plans gives me something to be motivated about and makes it easier to pass the time. My new goal is to keep making plans constantly so that i never have a free moment to become anxious. Something else that i noticed, i am more anxious now than before because i don't have my youtube and my coping abilities are very bad. Basically i am in the process of losing my mind. I have been wanting to drink beer the last 2 days. What has triggered this episode maybe the money, maybe the need to spend it all. I don't know, but my behavior has changed since i got all this money and i have been spending a lot of it in a short span of time. I need to get a fvcking grip, well i haven't spent more than 60 dollars in 4 days but still for the way i live its a lot, it is actually a lot of money who the fvck am i kidding. This feeling is gripping me so tight i am losing control of my thoughts and i am becoming more and more impulsive. These types of feelings are the ones that get me in trouble all the time. On a scale from 1 - 10 this anxiety is like an 8 or a 9. Usually its like a 4 - 5 which is like slight buzzing, but now its 8 or 9 and been growing since the past 2 hours. 8 or 9 is like a loud fan in my mind blowing at full speed constantly. I need to R E L A X. i need to think, i need to figure a way out of this moment because it feels like my world is caving in on me.

[junebug123]

The bath helped a lot, but now i have a bigger problem. I was working late on this one assignment from school, when i checked my email guess who emailed me? Some hot girl from my class who i am guessing is Dominican as well. Things about her i noticed, she is sort of tall around 5'7, athletic build, has a kid (not happy about that), has a job (she probably gets paid more than i ever did works as a dental assistant or something), probably lives on her own (with the kid of course), leaves in queens (that is far). I don't think she has a man or at least if she does, she doesn't really act like it at all. One thing is for certain, i can't let this ***** get in my head at all. Females always do that **** to me, they get in my pants and leave me feeling like crap. I am going to be strong, BE STRONG MAN, i am not going to fall for this girl i don't care if she is aggressive and what not. Why does this **** always fvcking happen to me, i just got out of a bad relationship with some crazy drunk girl and now this girl wants to start giving me the time of day when i am totally not ready. It is everytime i am fvcking happy, these women just come barging into my life and try to ruin whatever fun i have.

 

I know this is going to be on my mind for a while, and now that she emailed me i am regretting going to class on saturday, i know she has been checking me out a lot too, and smiling and stuff. I know i have nice eyes and stuff but i shouldn't have been flirting back with her. I think she is around like 24 or something. Jesus i was actually calm and working on my project now i am thinking about what her reply will be and when if she will reply. Maybe it is all in my head, chances are even thou i really like her i will play it cool and keep acting casual about everything to see where her head is at. A lot of these ladies like to throw out a little bait and see what fishes they can catch. I know the game, i am no fool, they be baiting more than one fish trying to catch like a big fish and stuff. The thing is i am not a big fish and i know it. All i have working for me is my looks, my charm, my humor and my body, other than that i am this loser who spends all his time on the computer living with his mother. Geez, i can't believe i just said that, woe is my life, woeeeeeeeeeee.

[junebug123]

Crazy day today, i have been watching this boxing anime called hajime no ippo, it has really been motivating me to hit the gym more. Finally did some shopping too, bought a little over a hundred dollars worth of food from costco today. I decided to bring the food back to my house (more than 20 blocks away) on my bike. This guy offered to bring me in a cab or something for like 10 bucks but i was so cheap i was like nah and i did it on the bike (cause i'm diesel like that, lol). I took a picture of my bag so you guys can see how much food it really was it weighed in at about 102 pounds, i took another picture of it on an electronic scale but the numbers didn't show that good for some reason (my camera, maybe not the best quality or just the lighting was too bright . Also i added a picture of my bike and another one of myself. Generally i don't like showing people how i look cause i just don't like attention and stuff, but i figure its my journal ill do what i want ARG!

 

Finished baking some chicken earlier and hoping to get to the gym soon, in-spite of the cold. I figure if a boxer has to go through all that training to fight, than i can put up with a little cold to look good for summer i suppose. I worked out in my room last night, i should take it a little easy cause i got this cramp in my neck for some reason.

 

Lemme see last night i did

 

45 seated curls

30 shoulder press

30 bench press

40 leg raise

40 lateral leg raise

50 sit up

 

ill add a picture of my body before i even started working out, this is a very dirty mirror fyi and the picture is bad quality for the purposes of this work out thing, it is only to show before and after. As you can see i am already a pretty learn guy but have little to no muscle mass. I will update this in 3 months with another picture if i keep this journal up that as and the working out, fvck i am putting a lot of pressure on myself already because now i feel like i made a promise to myself and those are the hardest to break. I already don't feel like going to the gym, i need to take a shower and put on my motivation cap!

[junebug123]

Working out last night was a bad idea, the crick in my neck/upper back only got worse. I think i strained a muscle from doing too many 1 arm rows (they were just so FUN!). Also i readjusted my laptop height so i don't have to look down when working on it. I was feeling really bored at the gym trying to to do leg workouts but not knowing many or how much weight i should use. It was really discouraging, i work out my arms so much i never work out the legs so i didn't have a plan.

 

30 squats

30 dead-lifts

30 assisted pull up

30 push up

30 inverted seated hip abductor (machine)

30 external seated hip abductor (machine)

30 seated leg extension

50 seated hamstring extension

2 miles 17 minutes

 

So, as you can see, i didn't do as much as usual, i didn't feel my heart racing or wasn't really sweating that much, i think a lot of it was due to my constantly soreness, i will take today to rest. I don't want to rest too much and than not go to the gym but i have to draw the line somewhere. As there is this other kid who goes to the gym, he is like a little beast, he is usually there before me and leaves after. When he works a machine or an area, he like works it out till he can't do a single rep. The other day, i saw him doing some ab exercises, man i got tired just watching him. I didn't keep count but i am sure that he did like over 100 ab reps, from incline situps, to using the machine, and everything you could think off. Maybe he is training to be a boxer too like that anime or something. Something else i noticed about the gym, they raised their price up to 300 dollars a year, it used to be 100 dollars, everything is getting more expensive.

 

The other day i went to get the breakfast special at this bakery i like called Tres Rosas (three roses), i always practice my Spanish when i am in there cause i feel stupid speaking English to them when they can hardly speak the language let alone understand (not all of them but a few). Same thing happens to me when i go into an Asian bakery, they start calling for like the 1 person who can speak English (usually this is in like Brooklyn china town, or china town in the city). Guys, i don't have anything against Asians or Latinos, its just if you are working with English speaking customers try to learn the language, geez at this one Chinese restaurant i go to a lot the lady speaks freaking 3 languages (she is Asian, Chinese i think ofc cause the restaurant is Chinese) her Spanish isn't that good but her English is great.

 

Okay, i am going off on a tangent again, back to the story, so the breakfast special is usually like 4.50 or 4.25 or something with a free coffee. This time when i went in there 5.00 dollars and no coffee; are you fvcking kidding me dude! When i asked if the coffee was free, the lady so no, i kind of stormed out cause i was really expecting that coffee and thought that paying a bakery 6 dollars for breakfast plus a coffee was really extreme especially when they start charging more and making the same amount of food. I would understand if it was a dinner, they have seats, they also make giant meal portions, so they can get away with charging 6 - 7 dollars for breakfast, but a bakery!

 

There was this story in the paper the other day about this guy who was making illegal id's and SS cards for people, i think he was charging like anywhere from 50 - 120. The reason i am bringing this up is because he was selling them out of a bakery in my neighborhood. You know most of the people who buy that stuff were just illegals who could barely speak the language and wanted to get some form of ID so that shady business owners or even legit (but somehow stupid) business owners would employee them using those forged documents. You are talking about chinese/mexican immigrants who spend most of their time picking up cans all day to survive, or selling food in the street. Sometimes its raining or cold, you still see them out there collecting and making food and selling it. I get depressed too, i can't help it. Especially when they have their children helping them, its like they can't afford baby sitting or anything, probably live in like some overcrowded basement and are in constant fear of getting deported. One day they find out about a guy who is basically helping the community by providing these immigrants with a chance to get some type of documentation and earn some kind of a living (be it in a factory or restaurant or hard construction job but still!). Guys, they had freaking homeland security and FBI all types of stuff, saying that the machines being used are often used to steal people's identity to commit fraud and it was a national security risk and blah blah blah. Well, that may be true but doing all that time in a Federal Prison for making some illegals and some young kids ID's to get jobs and drink booze hardly seems justifiable. And while its try that i could maybe cash someone's check or use their credit card, well anyways, i don't care i just remember reading the article and thinking to myself, that sucks for the guy

[junebug123]

Had a weird night tonight, been getting so much money for doing nothing to unemployment; also applied for my certificate of relief from disabilities and have a meeting come Wednesday for the interview. Noticed how i have the same effect on people both in the real world and online, it doesn't surprise me in the least, some people just run their mouths off all day, its like i don't take it personal but when its people saying stupid vindictive ****, then yeah i am going to get angry about it and it has already been the same moderator on my d1ck about nothing. Frankly, they should only allow men to moderate the responses of other men, because i feel like having a women try to censor anything comments being negatively said about other women is baised, based on the fact that women say negative sh1t to me all the time and never get reported. There have been females who run their mouths off saying, Shut up, straight out or just saying something along those lines but the moderators couldn't care less and only stress when you say something to defend yourself. Anyways, i don't care about that right now, im going to talk about the past 2 days for me. Yesterday, my friend invited me to drink at this bar where all these nerds like to go, i went anyways, we could have went to another bar but our mutual friend S bartends there and we can get free drinks and sh1t so i said fvck it.

 

OMG, i can only imagine if i allowed people to comment on my journal the stup1d stuff they would say about my own actions or behavior. Sometimes i just want people to just not critic every fvcking thing i do, like it was their purpose in life; do you people have nothing better to do in life than to piss someone off, stop trolling already i h8 that sh1t.

 

Wow, i guess this journal entry is of me being drunk and angry but o well, i need to vent and stuff. I also think that being in a forum where moderators try to contain all the behavior is also sort of annoying, because yeah, you get some people who are just straight up azzholes and they can say negative stuff, but at least they are honest at the end of the day. As appose to those idiots, who just sit behind their keyboard and type passive aggressive sh1t all fvcking day, and wait and wait and wait for reactions GET A FVCKING LIFE is what i would say to those people if i saw them in person, but of course none of them would have the balls to confront a person like me who would hold someone liable for sh1t that they say.

 

So yeah, back to my story, we went to this bar, there were alot of dweebs there playing really bad music posing hard as rock types and stuff. The next day, i went to the indoor spot, saw a lot of good handball, but ultimately i ended up talking to this chick who i considered to be a 'sucia'. She basically had some white boy pay for all her drinks and than started flirting with me really hard in front of him (i felt embarassed a little), followed by the fact that she ended up talking sh1t about the guy, how she doesn't date white boys, yet she was being affectionate with him throughout the tournament. Women can be so calloused, she was some 30 year old cuban chick who was alright looking but the way she treated men? Meh, i got her number anyways ( i called just to make sure), i know she was feeling me too cause we ended up hanging out for like 2 - 3 hours and it seemed like she had plans after the tourney but as her buzz was wearing down, she ended up getting more and more on the defensive. I was thinking to myself, man this chick is bugging out and ended up leaving early. I got to stop messing around with ladies that drink, its not a good look for me at ALL.

 

I made plans to play handball tomorrow, i hope that goes well. Well, im tired from talking so much trash i need to crash now laterz.

[junebug123]

Man, i have been bugging out lately. I need to stick to my routines, work out at night, no youtube, apply for internships but instead i spent 80 dollars on drinks and food in 2 days. This is a habit with me, i also spent 60 dollars on books and fast food/Starbucks, i really need to limit the money i spend when going out in terms for eating. It is so easy to spend money frivolously when you can wait to you get home to make something, or make some food and take it out with you. I have enough money for the driving school but i haven't applied yet; also my room is a mess and my mom has been complaining at me to do dishes and i always leave her doing them. I am acting like a bum, like seriously.

 

Things which have triggered this behavior, surplus of money, lack of motivation, too much time on my hands, inability to smart LONG TERM decisions, and lastly too much time was spent earlier not going out or being social, i stayed home for 3 weeks moping around so that also plays a big factor. What i need right now is a game plan, first acquire the internship, then get my license, keep studying (create study habits, as mine are non-existent), start trying to meet women. Everything is much easier than i imagine it to be, in my head some of the things mentioned are impossible. Why do i keep doubting myself, Why do i keep regressing. Now i see how i act when i drink (writing with numbers , being angry, lashing out at people who don't deserve my energy and spending too much time worrying about others when i should be worrying about myself.

 

Well, i hope i start to behave better sooner rather than later, i need to see my father i have been avoiding him, also i need to do laundry and clean my room, but most likely i will watch a show first because i am an idiot and it is behavior patterns like those which got me in trouble in the first place. I need therapy, i need a support system, its too hard to do this all on my own, i wish i had someone who i could turn to with my problems. I am lonely.

 

The other day at school, i saw that girl who emailed me, she was really pretty, i think she was dressing up a little to impress me, but i think she thinks i am not interested because i have been shy around her and haven't had the opportunity to approach her. I am so nervous, i realized how much i like her and when i was worried the other time i was thinking negatively, either way she has a kid and this is another negative behavior pattern of mine, obsessing over someone and doing nothing about it. The worst part is that i will keep obsessing needlessly when i should be keeping my mind clear for more important things.

[junebug123]

Had fun playing handball today, spent so much time sleeping afterwards thou. I was pissed off because i lost every game i played except for one. I played a total of 5 games against 2 fairly strong players, than road my bike back about 2 and half miles. I was so tired that i slept for 2 hours, after which i had to wake up and do dishes. This weekend was really fun for me, next time i have to take it easy with the drinking which is expensive and not good for my health, but it helped me unwind and socialize which was much needed.

 

Boy, my neck cramp still hasn't gone away, it is mainly attributed to me spending too much time on the computer causing my neck muscles to fatigue and get strained. Also i could be that i don't use pillows to slept with cause i am lazy and usually lose them or get them dirty and never bother to wash any. I didn't bother calling that girl i met at the indoor courts, she seemed hot but i wasn't interested because she seemed to think too highly of herself and wasn't doing anything important with her life. She said she was a nurse, i highly doubt she was a registered nurse and she is living at home so that says to me, she has issues or she doesn't plan on moving out anytime soon. Maybe i am being biased but she hasn't bothered to contact me either, even thou i asked for her number and its my job as the man to call her, i just don't feel like she is worth the effort or drama. This is one of the main reasons i don't pursue women, the few who have achieved minor success in life tend to put themselves on a pedestal and i refuse to court women like that; for all i care they can continue to be unsuccessful in short term relationships that go nowhere. She can keep clubbing and going on vacations and living with her parents into her 40's for all i care.

 

Boy, my energy is all over the place today, my mind is also a little fried from doing nothing but homework for the past 2 to 3 hours. Thankfully i got all of it done, and i didn't even need to go to Starbucks to complete it. My mom has been fvcking annoying the sh1t out of me lately. She keeps getting on my d1ck about my computer use, dude get a life you do nothing but go to therapy 3 days out of the week and watch sitcoms with your husband, stop pandering about my computer use it is annoying.

 

Okay, i need to relax all this writing has my brain flaring up, i am going to get some water to drink. Okay, that's better, i also think listening to Bad Religion for the past hour has got me on edge as well. Something i noticed about this site, its very addicting to get responses from people, the need to interact is a trait that all humans desire. I have learned that by keeping this journal i am self fulfilled and not dependent on anyone but myself in the need of acceptance. Why do we always need to feel accepted, i stop conforming when i turned like 15 years old so for the past 11 years i have been pretty much an outcast. Even thou i like being accepted by a group, i will only allow myself to be accepted for who i am, so many people compromise subtlety by holding opinions, dressing the norm, not behaving out of character and of course this is what is expected of any member of a group, to simplify your actions by not upsetting others. However, i will tend to just do what i want inspite of upsetting others. My friend calls that behavior socialpathic when you show lack of caring for others or the inability to relate to others, maybe its true but it is a part of who i am.

 

Well, i am tired of writing for now, i need to relax i am starting to feel anxious maybe the only cure is going to the gym but i am feeling very ambivalent right now about leaving or staying or working out or watching videos. There is a voice inside my head which is saying that i shouldn't have taken that nap earlier and now i am going to be paying for it

[junebug123]

Woke, up this morning feeling like sh1t. Could be because i went to bed really late last night. I know that i will have to plan my day out today. Already feeling positive that i can go to Starbucks and use the computer their to apply for jobs, knowing that in my house i tend to get distracted easily. I could do luandry too, thinking about that but overall i really need to start applying for jobs, i am doing very bad in that dept.

 

Man, i was thinking about my ex, i had a dream about her last night and she's always posting stuff on facebook. It was one of those forced break up situations, she wasn't spending enough time with me so i was forced to dump her basically. Right now i am feeling really down, and i miss her soooo much. It was 2 years ago but i fell in love with that girl and i liked her a lot; something is wrong with me cause this isn't like me to dwell on the past. My body is telling me that it requires attention, that is the problem. I am going to starbucks now before i go crazy.

[junebug123]

I didn't bother applying for jobs, instead i went shopping, i got some rechargeable batteries, another pair a of sneakers (cheap 42 dollars for nice nikes) and went to play handball. I know that money won't last forever, and i should be pursuing a job, i just want to wait until i get my certificate of relief from disabilities, as they won't be able to see my vast criminal background, to be honest i can't believe i waited 6 years to do this. Boy, i am getting anxious already, im going to lift some weights.

 

Weight training has been going good, i have been maintaining my weight and actually my mom thinks i am getting bigger in size. I tried to explain to her that i have been eating more and since i stopped bike messaging, i am not burning a 1000+ calories a day like i used to. I need to keep running, my stamina is really bad. Lemme see today i did

 

75 situps

30 seated alternating curls

30 seated concentrated curls

40 seated alternating shoulder press

90 pushups

30 dumbbell bench press

30 1 arm row

 

The working out has been allowing me to feel better about my self confidence and better about my abilities to defend myself in a fight (if one should ever occur). In the past i was always intimated when someone wanted to fight me (its usually people who are bigger that talk **** to me, and i am 6 feet tall and weight 165 pounds), people don't usually talk **** to me at all; Yet it has been on more than one occasion that someone has talked **** and i backed down, that backing down did wonders for my self esteem and while my body remain intact my pride was badly damaged.

 

My step dad said, that my neck is getting bigger, i did its from doing all those one arm rows, i was excited about that! Maybe, its from eating alot thou, i can't tell this early in the game. Lately, handball has been taking over my life. I am very excited about having time to play it again at a high level and think that i will get my game back soon if i keep playing everyday. I am looking forward to playing in tournaments by next year and think that there is a strong possibility of me winning in a lot of C division tournaments. I know my left hand needs a lot of improvement, most of my motivation has come from watching that anime about boxing. To be truthful, i have pretty much failed at everything in life except for handball and bike riding, those are the two things that i am passionate about. Sometimes, i wonder if i would still be homeless and addicted to drugs if it wasn't for handball, you see handball gave me an outlet for all of my problems but it has also consumed me as well. I wanted to transition the passion of handball into something more practical but the reality is that overcoming my anxiety is much more difficult to overcome when i have to use my mind, that and my social problems. Lately, i feel that i have the power to do anything i put my mind too, but i know that this is also because i have money. The world is very different when you don't have money, and you are stressed, or you are working all the time and struggling to make ends meet with a crappy paycheck and no free time. I know that this world i am living in right now is a fantasy world, soon enough i will get an internship or a full/part time position and that i will have to face the music of the real world. For the mean time thou, it is fun and i love it everyday.

 

For some reason, lately i have been thinking of becoming a trucker, not a long distance one but one who drives around a delivers a few items to stores nearby. Maybe that would be boring and stressful; i need to stop deluding myself into being obsessed with low paying jobs even thou they are fun and allow me to exercise, i wish that i would have become a personal trainer but after i found out how much money they made, i realize it was stupid.

[junebug123]

I woke slightly earlier this morning. I think working out had a lot to do with it. Had a weird dream last night about having sex with this girl who comes over to clean my house ever other weekend; i am not even attracted to her. My body, it is craving affection, i don't know how long i can last for i keep getting this sexual feelings well that's life. For some reason, i feel good this morning, knowing that a got a decent amount of rest and still being able to wake up sort of on time 9:41 am instead of 11: or 12

 

Told myself, that i am going to stop applying for jobs online. It is one thing to think, its another to accomplish. Strangely i feel weak this morning, so weak in fact that i don't want to take a shower or make breakfast. The other thing was that last night, i actually felt like reading. I am so happy that i am making improvement in my life, a large part of it is attributed to the fact that i stopped playing starcraft and that i stopped going on youtube. Weird thing is today, i have that neck cramp on the left side of my neck instead of my right, o brother.

 

My next goal is to stop watching porn and to stop um well masturbating so often. I think if i can keep it to like 6 times a week (max), I will be fine. Strangely whenever i travel or sleep in any place else other than my room, its like i never masturbate at all, but when i start dating someone, boy i get horny a lot. It's strange talking about this stuff but, i need to talk about it in order for me to overcome the addiction. Every time i have a problem i don't talk about, it makes me feel like its not a problem and i am more likely to rationalize that if i don't talk about it, than it doesn't exist.

 

My two biggest problems right now, are not applying for work, sleeping in everyday. Little by little i am working on them. Crap i am already feeling aroused, this is the problem with addiction, you can get addicted to anything including the sensation of an organism. I read this book called 'Choke', it was about this sex addict who had this friend who masturbated a lot. Towards the end of the book, the guy started collecting rocks, all types of rocks and bringing them in his house, or someone's house. The book was really weird but i remember that it stated that a sex addicted is a person who no longer feels happy just with regular activites, a sex addicted has orgasm so many times that they literally messed up their brain chemistry and that they now require orgasm to feel good.

 

Geez, i hope nobody i know ever reads this.

[junebug123]

Meh, i haven't been motivated to write as of recently. I started get depressed again, but somehow i also started applying for jobs and i went to my meeting today but the person i was suppose to see had to leave on some emergency so i have to go back tomorrow at 9 am.

 

I was reading this thread and this guy wrote >>> thanks for all the replies, but i'm gonna go deal with this on my own as i feel like every post i write up, its taken the wrong way or over analyzed. >>> I understood what he was saying, he basically started the thread for support and sympathy, i suppose he wanted people to be more like oh that sucks, im sorry for you dude, i am sure it will work out in the end, or maybe yeah that person is bad for making you feel that way; instead what happened is what everyone pointed the finger at him and was like you are a bad person for thinking this way. Maybe they are entitled to their opinions, this is certainly not link removed and people are just being honest. I feel like most people are like the way people here are, they never stop to consider the others feelings, they are more inclined to express their opinions and ideas rather than to listen and try to relate to what others around them are saying. It is like trying to talk to a monkey, you say i had a bad day today, and all they can do is throw poop on you and ask for bananas. Well, maybe not everyone is like a monkey, but i wouldn't certainly say that majority of people are that way IMO of course.

 

For years, i have had this serious disconnect with people in general, understanding their thoughts and opinions is easy, but trying to figure out why they can never understand your thoughts or opinions is the hard part. I can understand that people are busy, they have lives and standards that they will uphold too, most are very inflexible in terms of their thinking patterns, and most are unable to relate to anything slightly abstract. The thread was about some guy whose girlfriend had put on some weight, now basically everyone was saying that he should leave the girl and that he doesn't deserve her if he couldn't put up with the fact that she has gained weight, furthermore people were saying that he shouldn't question her reason for gaining weight and that she deserves someone better, who will accept her. Okay, this is all fair and square, i understand defending the victim in this situation but the fact remains that the man is asking for advice in order for him to cope with the situation. None of the commentators were giving him what he wanted at all, in fact the only things they said were the obvious conclusions which any 8 year old could have came up with (she's fat so you can stay or leave your choice). Yes no one is being paid to give comments, in fact maybe people are not experts in relationships and will say the wrong things 9 out of 10 times anyways, still, you would think that one person would have been able to provide a healthy alternative to the situation. It would have been funny if someone had said, "gain more weight than her so she could see how it feels."

 

After thinking the about the problem for 3 minutes now i find there is no realistic solution to the problem other than asking the girl to seek professional help about the problem, like getting a personal trainer, or getting a serious diet. No one seemed to want to state that though.

 

Wow, i am going on about nothing, my time is not being spent well at all. This is what happens when i start getting depressed, i start obsessing over nothing. I saw this girl on the train today, she looked good, actually she was checking me out a little. I need to get a good job soon and i need to go to the gym today. I need to be able to make my body do what my mind is commanding, there is a battle raging on inside me between my heart and my mind, my heart is the better fighter thou because i always give in to it, when will i train my mind to be as strong as my heart?

[junebug123]

Getting ready to go to the gym, i spent the day playing handball than i moped around the house for 5 hours trolling online like an idiot. I started responding to all these ads, i don't know why i did that i feel stupid now; i guess i just wanted some attention, ultimately it all boils down to me wanting attention to feel wanted and needed. I am all dressed up now, just waiting for my ipod to charge, i was thinking of writing a workout routine down so i would know what i had to accomplish when i went to the gym. I think i will just spend more time on the machines thou, than what i did last time. My left knee is bothering me a little bit thou, i might just stick to arms today because i played handball without using my knee straps and that was a big big boo boo. My ipod is basically done, i think i will check my email again, boy i'm i compulsive today. The other reason i was avoiding the gym was because i pulled my left ab muscle doing too many situps one day.

 

I'm going to put up some pictures of my old bike messaging times cause i miss that life right now. If there is a dog, its my old dog that got cancer and died. Her name was sasha she was about 14 - 15 human years old, i really loved that dog, i couldn't fit all the attachments maybe ill respond with the others or ill try to reload them

[junebug123]

thing was acting weird don't know why it made me repost the same reply twice

[junebug123]

Woke up early today, getting ready to go back out to the city, geez 9:20 already that's bad okay i guess i better speed this up. I just wanted to post my workout routine for yesterday.

 

40 bench press

40 incline bench press

80 alternating dumbbell curls

40 one arm rows

40 (shoulder) lateral extension

5 miles 41 minutes

 

Usually i don't run 5 miles and my legs are pretty much dead today because of it. I can feel it in my hips and my quads especially. I guess i had all this extra energy from not working out in a minute. I wanted to do more arm exercises but my arms were pretty much dead at that point, so i couldn't really work out the triceps or shoulder muscles much. In the future i will not do so many dumbbell curls, i think that's where i went wrong but at the same time i did get a good work out over all.

[junebug123]

My HEAD IT HURTS. I am dehydrated because a little while ago i found some rum in my closet from a date i went on, i decided to pour myself the rest of it in a mug filled with ice. It was only enough for like a double shot and then i watched the first two episodes of this girl with the dragoon tattoo trilogy (there is 6 in total). I read all the books, and watched the American version but i am liking the Swedish version a little more (there is more content of course, and this girl is way stronger than that stick figure girl from the American version). What the American version does well with the directing sexy actors/actresses, visual appeal, intensity, the Swedish version more than makes up for in scene writing, originality, content (6 hours in compared to 2), and of course the girl in the Swedish version is just in my opinion a better actress (she has more character, looks like she has been through more, the other actress tries to make up for that with weird faces and a sexy body, her body is more feminine).

 

I was too sore to go to the gym yesterday but that didn't stop me from playing handball, i am actually thinking of going to the indoor courts today. I feel like my game is improving. Later on at night i did some leg work with my ankle weights on.

 

30 leg lifts

30 lateral leg lifts

10 leg extensions

90 1 leg Romanian deadlifts (free of weight)

 

Yeah, my legs were so dead i could barely do a free standing squat, i actually tried to do a few squats too but failed. I wish i could do some situps but my the left side of my abs still hurts, not so much now but too much to do any situps. I forgot what else i was going to write.

 

Oh yeah, i wish i could be spending more time on my journal but lately i haven't been feeling motivated, i was right about what i said about my happiness it was nothing but a fleeting moment. The moment i started to feel better i forgot about all the work it took to get me there, i am noticing that the key to happiness is self work, self improvement and maintaining it.

 

Also, i have been feeling better about writing on ENA as well, i just should not write when i drink, as i get a little crazy sometimes. The other day a few posters thanked me for my words of wisdom, it felt really good. Its raining outside so that is making me depressed, and tomorrow i have class, yet i have done little to no homework and i feel like i have a big project coming up. But i am going to get those credits so that is a plus, i don't know if i can manage this stress, i feel like going to Starbucks to work on school stuff but its raining and i am hung over. I really want to meet someone special this holiday season, that would make me so happy if i could just do that.

 

Even thou, i should be focusing on working, i am really lonely right now. If i had someone's support that would motivate me so much and do wonders for my confidence. Sadly no one has responded to my ad and all the emails i sent out were in vein, i really need to stop doing online things which don't help me at all. Oh snap i forgot about the salsa class i signed up for, plus i need to get shoes for it too. Boy i just got excited all over again, its only 5 dollars for each class and the lady is holding a 4 week thing, i found out about on this site called meet up. Okay, i am going to take a shower and drink water, or maybe watch a few shows and make myself a shake, either way i need to get out of this funk.

 

My writing is terrible, because i was all over the place with my thoughts and didn't transition smoothly from one thought to the next, this is sad because i was an English major before, maybe its because i am hung over. Shoot me now please.

[junebug123]

Man, i have been having a really crappy day. Things i want to do upgrade my desktop computer to a linux machine and start working on it and using it. Start learning about Microsoft and getting my Network + certification. Start learning about web development. Learn Spanish.

 

What did i do wrong today? It started out with yesterday, i stayed up too late like an idiot and that cause me to be tired and groggy all day. Also, instead of getting coffee and walking around a little to wake up i ended up sleeping a lot more than usual. My stress level was so low that i felt what was the point. Some good news though, i added 5 pounds to the amount of weight on my 2 sets of dumbbells. Now i will be benching 40 pound dumbbells and curling 25 pound dumbbell instead of 35/20. Of course i could have upped the weight earlier but i feared injuring myself.

 

Writing really helps me offset my anxiety, i was trying to write in ENA all day on my journal but my browser kept failing. I need to learn about Microsoft Operating system so that i can make changes which will make the computer more productive. I am really excited about learning but i have to stop letting my emotions get in the way of living life. I keep telling myself to plan my day out but then when it comes to it i don't really plan ****. I have a new plan of attack to get my life where i need it to be. Every night before i go to bed i will write out my plan on my Iphone and than this way i will know what do do before the day even starts. Of course the bigger issue will be if i will follow my own thoughts.

 

I need to stop going on other websites because i am falling into bad habits again, the good thing is that the Starcraft is out of my system for good, but i still go on youtube and also i still watch a little porn as embarrassing as that sounds. I have greatly reduced the amount of time spent doing those two things but last night i got drunk and stayed watching youtube for more than 3 hours!

 

For some reason i can't freaking upload images anymore, am i taking up too much space on their server or what.

[junebug123]

Jesus, i am fvcking drunk again. MY friend C took me out to a bar where we saw plenty, i mean plenty of beautiful women. Well, he had a girlfriend and i am just single anyways though it was fun to a certain degree. I knew i wasn't planning on taking any of these girls home and i knew that if i got to dance with a few i would be happy, funny thing is thou i wasn't brave enough to approach any and neither was he. We both ended up being party watches and while i did dance a lot none of the women would dance with me even thou i approached a few, although not as aggressively as i normally would. Maybe these women were older and jaded and looking for mister right after years of going to the same pub weekend after weekend, while i was just a new face unfamiliar to the scene and the things that went on. I was a little surprised thou at how some of the women flaunted their badunkadunks and lately i have been realizing that women are just about as horny as i am.

 

Man, i can write pretty fast when i have been drinking. I wasn't really dressed for a club type thing and we really went to go to a bar but ended up at this bar which was really active. The good thing thou, was that there was a lot of single ladies looking for action, some not to attractive but a lot of them were. The other weird thing, a lot of guys were really like built up and dressing nice too. I am bi curious so i notice these things, for some reason i was like geez some of these guys are a lot more desperate to get ass than the women (allowing the ladies to be picky if they wanted too) and some of the women even thou they were really good looking didn't seem to bother with a lot of the riff raff there and had their sites set on a few males.

 

Anyways i have a class at 9 am and i need to get to bed, it was fun writing about my adventures thou. The sad part was that i saw some family members there and they were married, seems like married life isn't all that its cracked up to be, oh well.