junebug123 Posted December 8, 2012 Author Share Posted December 8, 2012 Wow, i literally got like 5 or 6 hours of sleep, my head is still spinning i am in no mood to go to class i have no idea what assignment is due on sunday. I need to start getting work done during the week cause every weekend is sucking. The crick in my neck is hurting worse than ever. After my meeting on thursday with the probationary officer to get the certificate of relief from disabilities i feel worse about the situation. This lady was bad at her job, seems like she didn't get a lot of cases approved and she looked like an ex crack head to me. Maybe her job was stressful but even so, i was surprised that people like this worked for the city, lately i been seeing a lot of weirdo's having city paid jobs and a lot of times i feel like there are a lot of idiots working for the city. Everytime i see people working in the private sector, they seem more intelligent or better dressed, seem to carry themselves way more professionally, and i get this overweight, overworked, slang speaking, middle aged women who actually had the nerve to complain to me about her job and took a call from her husband in the middle of our interview. Not to mention this is the same lady who left the day before making me come back the next day and had the nerve to complain to me about it. That's the thing about city jobs, they always have these idiots who will put up with long hours, understaffed for basically average pay, Corporate jobs on the otherhand, well those guys will focus on customer service for one thing, for two they will get their jobs done and not complain about it. And if they don't improve well then they don't deserve to be in business and will end up either going bankrupt or losing to the competition (SURVIVE OF THE FITTEST!). Anyways, i need to take a shower and get dress to go to class, my head is freaking spinning right now. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 9, 2012 Author Share Posted December 9, 2012 Oh man stuff is so weird right now. My sister is trying to move out of a house we might or might not be living in for long due to some weird circumstances dealing with my step fathers father whose medical expenses have exceeded a gross of 25 hundred dollars a day or something. Basically the guy is on the verge of dying and requires serious medical help. On a good note, i went to the indoor handball courts yesterday and had a lot of fun playing, watching and just socializing with others. I think i played a total of 6 games and lost 2. My body is really hurting today, the floor at the indoor courts are so slippery and i was running around all day yesterday without my braces so basically my knees are really feeling it right now. Right now i am at starbucks in parkslope where people are acting katty all the f-cking time. Sometimes i wonder how they can live with other people or work with others being katty like every hour on the hour, really i think to myself if you are going to throw a hissy fit every time someone comes near you than well basically, it is going to be very difficult to deal with a person like that. You know what the problem with people in the slope is? They are all sheltered and they are all think that they should be put on a pedestal, you don't go to a coffee shop in Brownsville and worry about annoying people just by sitting next to them. I am planning to go this salsa class today, it starts around five, and it is already 4:21 maybe i should head out soon. I was suppose to do all this school work today but i am pushing it off later and later. Boy am i tired, i wish i could just do nothing today, my body hurts from playing so much handball. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 Shoot me now and put me out of my misery. How can i do all this homework, holy sh1t i just looked at the time its 9:4 fvcking 5 PM. I have yet to lift a finger. FML. FML!!! This is why i should not procrastinate, everything is fvcked, i haven't been doing anything i need to start planning my days. On one of my journal entries i promised to fvcking write out what i would do the day before so i would get myself into these sorts of situations. I went to the salsa class, it was fun i got to see some ladies but they weren't all cute. The class was really basic and it was really just an intro and it was short. A lot of people do that on meet up, try to get customers and stuff. The one good thing it did was inspire to really take dancing classes so that i could get good at it and hit up the clubs. I actually really like to dance and catch myself dancing in the mirror like all the time. I think i am dancing like 7 percent of the day if its just bopping my head on the train, or skanking in my room. Mostly i like to dance dance to punk rock, there is this dance its called the two step its really fun to do. In my generation Punk was really, really big, it was as big as like techno is big today. I go online see all these people doing this weird shuffle dance or some crazy gothic raver moves i get confused like what were they thinking. Ill post a video to show you what i mean, its mostly just Europeans do some weird house moves they must have learned while on X because who dresses like this its so . . . okay, so i understand this is not the best example but there are like millions of other videos like it out there. In high school i used to really love goth fashion. I loved the way goth girls dressed, there was something so sexy about it, the dark makeup the fishnets, the tall boots, the contrast of dark clothing to light skin. Granted on some it didn't look so good like to people in their late 30's/ 40's or people who were like really overweight (nothing against overweight people, i just don't think they look good dressing goth). Anywho, that's just a random tale about my high school years. I spent my adolescences in Staten island, and most of my childhood years were in Brooklyn. Recently i posted some pictures of my old skateboarding i would upload them but i feel this server won't let me anymore, yeah wow i guess i have to archive everything now on a separate sever and send the links, ***. ANyways, ill get to that LATEr. Back to staten island, growing up on the island was very very hard for me. Everything in my neighborhood was either Russian, Italian or Irish and there wouldn't be anything wrong with those types of people except that they were all really small minded. Granted there are small minded black, spanish and chinese people as well, especially if you cluster fvck them together so that they feel like a strong community and that is exactly what happened to me. I felt like enimen did in the movie 8 mile. Except instead of being white and I was Spanish, and everyone else was white. You had your average white people the ones who liked rock music and were into art and self expression (those were the people i hung out with). Then you had your angry white people who worked themselves crazy at low paying jobs, were always stressed, had angry problems, were jocks or part of gangs, and/or like to beat up on people in groups because they had nothing better to do (those were the people i avoided). Strangely i was never affected by those people because i kept to myself a lot, but they were there all the same as was the mob and the gangs, and the black people who were angry because everyone was racist against them (i mean the police, and the store people, and basically everyone). Staten island to me was like living in a small town outside of new york where people went to live the suburban life and go to the mall on weekends. Everyone was corny, they thought that life's ambition was driving a nice car, owning a mini mansion, getting really big muscles, going to the movies every weekend and dating the most attractive person they could get they're hands on. Everything had to be material, there was no sense of earning, they always felt they were entitled to the world. Most of the people i knew who acted this way were spoiled kids who got drunk and were always getting into trouble with no sense of self worth or desire to grow and become a member of society. They knew they were guaranteed a spot in their parents company, a full education, a house which would be handed over when their parents died. Everything was inherited, or burrowed nothing was earned. You could say my family was the minority who worked hard to earn what our house, whose parents came here from another country with little to no money, with no prior education of the land, the culture, the language let alone the laws. People had a way of looking at you funny cause you had curls in your hair, because you spoke with an accent, because you weren't wearing the nicest clothes, because you had to eat school lunch, because you didn't have a car or cell phone at 16 - 17 years of age, because you had to work any minimum wage job to afford anything which wasn't given to you. Boy, writing all of this down, helps me become aware of where a lot of anger and resentment towards people comes from. Well i have to do homework now, this day is looking more and more dumpy . . . At least we put up the Xmas decorations Listening to Aisha Duo right now, they kick ass on the xylophones Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 Okay, so i managed to finish all my homework by at least 2 am, which was the deadline. Thank god it was not that much because usually it is more and if i had to like write out a large paper or something i would have been screwed. 500 views, Hooray! Also i went from bronze to silver recently, i am excited about that. There has been non stop 4 days of rain since friday here, its starting to get me a little depressed. I told myself that i would plan my day today so here it goes. 12: watch 2 - 3 anime shows 1:30 make food, take a shower get ready to leave the house 2:30 ride out to get my documentation about the detox program to send to my PO 4: if not 4:30 another shower then rest, set the alarm for 5:30 as i tend to over sleep 5:30 respond to online discussions, clean my room and do laundry 8:00 go to the gym 10:00 bed Wow, i don't even know if i have energy for all that, that sounds like a busy day to me. Notice how i didn't include any job hunting. What is wrong with me, i know ill be feeling better when i clean my room and have my laundry done. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 Wow, its 2:36 and i am still just wearing only pants. I need to take a shower and get proactive. Now i know why i don't do **** with my life, i spend the majority of it with the inbetween stuff. Inbetween getting ready to go out and waking up. Inbetween getting home from a hard day and getting ready to hit the night time life. Inbetween playing handball and looking for work. Inbetween relationships. Inbetween jobs. I should fvcking changing my name to Mr. InBe-Fvcking-Tween. My secretary will be calling me inbetween when are those work orders going to be ready? My wife, inbetween when are you going to pay those bills? My children, inbetween when are you going to take us to the park? My mother, inbetween when are you going to finally retire? My sister, inbetween DO IT ALREADY AND GET IT DONE I AM TIRED OF ****ING BABYSITTING GROWN AZZ MEN! OMG, someone just shoot me inbetween the fvcking eyes already. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 Okay, so i did laundry, started to clean my room, went to the gym, my back is killing me right now fyi. And today was the first day i ran with ankle weights on, boy was it hard! 20 pull ups 60 bench press (with the bar) 30 should press 50 curls 20 concentrated curls 40 triceps extension 40 lateral raise 30 1 arm row 50 lateral pull down wide grip 40 V-bar pull downs 10 deal lift 2.5 miles with 5 pound ankle weights So yeah, im going to be sore tomorrow. I don't know if mentioned this earlier but i gained 10 pounds so i only have 10 more pounds to gain to meet my goal. I'm so happy! I know i should probably do some school work, and this is bad habit of mine, i do a couple of good things and then end up slacking off for latter part of the day. Oh well. I am too tired to write tonight, i feel like i have more viewers than usual sometimes i worry about that as i am very shy, and don't like to be judged harshly. I guess anyone who blogs knows the risks involved. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 Yeah, i am a little sore today **** i just left the oatmeal to burn, ok back to what i was saying. I need to make my to do list now. 11:30 leave the house to get those papers on that detox 12:30 ride back home in order rest a little read a book 1:30 Take a shower change of clothes, read 2:30 get suited up to play handball 5:30 Come back home, apply for jobs online 8:30 get ready for the gym again? 10:30 keep reading, learn about what books i need to get my MCSE, and Network + Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 Managed to clean my room, but after i played handball i just ended up taking a really long nap and doing nothing productive. My body was really killing after handball, i started to get used to working out a lot i think i am loving it now. Somehow i am looking in the mirror a lot lately to see results but i don't think much has changed. Going to the gym makes me realize that there are a lot of other guys who can lift more weight and it motivates me to get bigger. Started learning to do different exercisers, one of my friends who goes to the gym was there last time i went and it helped to work out. He can lift a lot more than me, he has been working out for longer too but you wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at him. It makes you think twice about messing with people in the street, you never know who is trained or who is strong and stuff. The new muscle that i want to build up is the shoulder muscle. Lately, i have been spending a lot of time in my room, but its all clean now as i clean it just a few hours ago. After finishing the boxing anime, i started watching this anime called Gantz, its pretty fvcking crazy to say the least. For some reason i found this other anime that i have always wanted to watch called Zoids about this people who use these animal mecha to fight. I feel like all this working out would have never gotten accomplished if i hadn't stopped playing starcraft. My next move is to implement reading into my life again, i am working so much on myself its amazing. I feel like i am growing everyday, work never allowed me time to accomplish these small goals. Most of my time was spent recuperating or getting ready for work the next day. The only thing work ever brought me was routine, the money was always bad and i never learned anything, i never felt challenged or motivated to be there. The newest thing on my mind is to be able to absorb knowledge and bring my reading to another level so i can breeze through non-fiction books for the purposes of expanding my computer knowledge. The biggest problem is pushing myself to read, i never feel like reading or doing homework. I need to find a trigger for it. I know that anxiety and boredom is the trigger for me to work out, if i can find the trigger for reading i might be able to do something about it. If i can read, and work out eventually i will be able to start working again too. But i have to take it one step at a time so it doesn't come crashing down on me. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 So basically i just stayed up till 4 or 5 in the morning watching gantz. I couldn't sleep but i did get to do a lot of working out. 50 bench press 40 shoulder press 40 curls dumbbell 20 curls barbell 20 1 arm row 30 upright row 10 shoulder shrug 20 lateral raise Right now i feel hungry, some how i got really attached to these anime characters in the show gantz and the last two episodes they just killed everyone off except the main character. *** Somehow, i was able to wake up early and i have been working on cutting down my inbetween times. I need to go to that place in order to get those documents. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 HOly Fvck I am fvcking SORE right now and i am hungry as sh1t too. This is what i get for playing handball all day. eww my knee has stretch marks on it. Met some chick at the indoors today she was kind of cute but also kind of young. She made me give her a massage and was flirting with me too. Also she lives really close to me but i think i should stay away because she is so young (18 - 19 i think). Normally i don't shy away from girls this age, but she acts like a 16 year old, jesus i hope she is not fvcking 16. Anyways, she just has a small body that's why its hard to tell but she is really flirty in general so maybe she isn't even into me. Lately i notice women have been checking me out more and more, it makes me nervous at a lot. I am not sure if it has anything to do with the fact that i gained weight or that i am eating or that i am just feeling, looking, dress good. It is probably everything to be honest, always with this unemployment checks coming in every week its like a vacation for me cause usually i am looking like sh1t or stressed the fvck out from work and smelling like sh1t too with holes in my sneakers. To be honest most of the money i make working is spent on food, metro, work stuff (like bike repairs, work clothes, going to the bar to relieve stress from work). Now, its like i don't even drink i barely spend money on food, i rarely hop on the train, when i am going to work and stuff i will spend at least twenty dollars on day. 4:50 metro. 3 breakfast/coffee. 4 beverages/snacks. 3 meal replacement energy bar. 7 lunch/dinner. And that's if i am like trying to be conservative forget about when i go home and eat out or buy beer and snacks and ****. Or if i am so hungry that i need to get another meal Basically i will spend at least 90 - 120 dollars a week just on getting to work and coming home. Usually my paychecks are ****ty like 270 - 350. Sure that leaves me with 170 - 240 left over minus 20 - 30 for the cell phone bill, minus bathroom stuff, vitamin supplements, knee straps, etc. etc. It adds up pretty fvcking quickly and you know we are living in New York too. If i was working as a security guard i would probably not spend so much money because my job would be a lot more relaxed and stuff. Of course its boring as fvck and i would be depressed every day. To be honest, i can't even keep writing because my fvcking back is killing me right now. That girl added me on facebook and this other girl that i (i don't wanna say banged out but its my journal so fvck it) slept with has kept picks of me on her facebook. Why do people do weird stuff like that. She like hates my guts and i actually played her very very hard told her that i slept with another girl to get back at her (even thou i didn't but she believes it to this day and refuses to ever talk to me because of it, which is probably for the best because we are both fvcking crazy anyway). The thing with having some sort of mental illness is that you can never be in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness too because everything just goes to sh1t. The worst part is that i am only really attracted to girls with these sorts of problems, i don't know why. Other girls, normal ones, well they are just boring to me. Why is my life filled with chaos. Sh1t i really need to stop writing because my back is fvcking killing bye. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 The story of C. Well i don't know why i am writing right this moment i am in starbucks stressing really hard right now because i just drank a Venti Latte and i am loaded with caffine. I spent most of the day just vegging around eating and trying to relax my muscles so i can play again on Saturday. There was this big girl who was really loud mouthed sitting next to me, i had my headphones on full blast and i could still hear her chirpy voice. Some people don't understand that they don't own the freaking establishment, its fine to talk politely with an indoor voice to people sitting right next to you, its another thing to be sounding like i can hear your ass a block away when i am sitting less than 6 feet from your table. At one point i had to clear my throat loudly to let her know that she was in the presence of other people. Back to the story of C. This was the girl i mentioned earlier about how she still has pictures of me up on her FB. We met in through a vocational school for computers, it was gov't funded so i didn't have to pay anything. It was a while before we started to learn anything and the rules were really strict. At the time i was 23 'nd she was 24. The girl was not my type to say the least but i was lonely and have a history of settling just to get laid. Anyways i was just failing out of a relationship with N (some young redhead) and was crashing horribly 3 - 4 weeks since the incident. Maybe C was a rebound but i don't think i ever do stuff like this. Okay, so this other girl that i am into was telling me that C liked me, but i was like meh (idc). Eventually me the girl and C went out to the city, one thing lead to another C was drinking and she started hitting on me, i wasn't really thinking anything of it but she mentioned she wanted to sleep with me once. For some reason, that really had an affect on me and i started thinking about her a lot. We started talking on the phone, it wasn't about much, but talk is talk. I forgot to mentioned that C had a BF and that she was in an open relationship with the dude. I knew it was a bad idea but sex is sex and ill take what i can get (as pathetic as that sounds). Eventually she came to my neighborhood I was doing laundry at the time. Well we just walked around went to the park cuddled a little bit, it was raining so everything was awkward but we got along fine. I took her out on a couple of dates, we hit it off really well, went to a bar our to eat to the movies etc. This is when she meet S (my long time female friend of 7 years), me and S are always affectionate maybe i should have tuned it down a little. Things got a little crazy that night i drank too much and by then we had already slept together once (it sucked, she wasn't that good in bed, really she only liked to get herself off and i didn't have much fun without rubbers). But the need for sex was there and i wanted more, i don't know why i am writing this maybe its for my own growth to re-evaluate where things started to go wrong, maybe i was on the rebound i don't even remember at this point. Okay, so back to the night with me the girl, C and S. Everyone went home but i ended up calling her and dropping the L bomb. Why i did that, maybe i was feeling strongly towards her, the alcohol, the recently girl i was forced to dump everything was crashing down on me fast. That L bomb fvcked everything up really fast. She must have told her BF and i bet that guy was pissed, we tried going out more but she kept bring his name up and saying how he didn't approve of me and it was really pissing me the fvck off. Eventually i went to her neighborhood to pick her up to go to the city but things were different she saw me in a different light since dropping the L bomb and she no longer saw me of any value. This did not pan well with my self esteem. I just started to obsess and stress her more and more, she kept distancing herself i couldn't take a hint, i was falling deeper and deeper into these moods which started affecting my mental health. All i could think about was trying to make something work out of nothing, out of some girl who tricked me into falling for her by being so available. This girl had issues, i always fall for girls who have issues. God, another couple talking next to me sooo fvcking annoying i cannot fvcking concentrate, why does everyone talk loudly next to me, there is this other guy who is always trying to concentrate and listening to this blabber mouth and getting annoyed too. I really want to finish this entry but these people are causing me to lose focus. Wow, 9 pm already no wonder i haven't got **** done. I have been spending all my time, just on ENA and doing little to no work whatsoever. Ill finish this later, after my anxiety attack is over. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 Ugh, 2:37 am insomnia is a fvcking ***** i tell you, i stayed up to 4 am the other night too, something is really wrong with me. I was suffering from internet withdrawal too which isn't good at all. Instead of reading a book or drawing i just watched a movie and was moody with anxiety. Anyways back to the C saga. Eventually C ended up calling me one morning to break up with me, this is after asking if i could go to her neighborhood so we could hang out. Recently after she kept saying that we should be friends, i went to her house we drank some vodak, watched this weird film about gays, (she knew i was bi-curious or something) and made out a little bit. She kept saying that we couldn't date but the attraction was there and she didn't stop me anytime i made moves. I have this thing about girls, once i get intimate with them i can never be their friends, that's just the way it is, i don't value their friendship as much as i value their assets. So yeah, C dumped me and i had to keep going to class with her, by this time my feelings for her were driving me fvcking crazy, i kept fantasizing about her. In fact i was so desperate that i posted an ad in Craigslist and some women responded to it. Jesus now that i think about it, i was jumping from one girl to the next in a matter of months and each new girl aged by at least 5 years. The first one was 17 she broke my heart, then 24 she broke my heart again finally i just ended up having a casual relationship with this 30 year old lady named K. K was cool because there wasn't all that drama that happened with the other girls, but there was 1 problem. She was way too available and gave it up very easily too. For some reason i didn't try to date any of these girls and i think that's why they ended up all badly. Well we dated a little, i have some charms and i do take them out but after a week i get right to business. The truth is i am a very um horny guy, so its like if i know there is potential well i try to make things happen. But the problem is the relationship starts to fail once things get physical because i forget that women have 'other' needs, emotional ones that i am not very good at dealing with. I don't know why i am not good at dealing with them i just ain't. There must be a reason why i am talking about girls now. I think i am going to get laid again soon, i always have a six sense about these things. Basically i just start going out more and getting aggressive asking for numbers and stuff trying to sniff anything out. I also go through hermit mode too, when ill stay in the house for weeks. I know there should be a balance but apart from handball my social needs are very limited to the family. What i really want to do right now is try to sleep but i have to do some school work i am worried about it. Anyways i want to stop writing because i have a limit of how much i can write before i start to feel really restless. Sometimes if go off on another subject or if i stop writing when i am writing something interesting well, ill just kind of like get really distracted and its nearly impossible for me to keep writing without feeling like a bomb is going to go off inside my head. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Share Posted December 15, 2012 FAT DRUNK RUINS MY NIGHT OUT! Okay, so here is the story, i just drank this crazy weight gainer energy shake (i make them myself with a blender frozen fruit, soy milk, etc.). I basically has 5000 calories in it (not including the calories from the fruit/milk) so that is basically like eating 2 orders of double bacon cheeseburgers with fries in half an hour. Needless to say i had a lot of pent up energy, and nothing to do. I decided to go to this show, it was in park slope. No biggy i decided to ride my bike there, when i got there it was dead, i stayed for 3 mins then asked the guy at the door for my money back. He actually gave it to me and i made some calls. My mom was b1tching to me about helping my sister move on Saturday, which i don't really want to do, and then i decided to go to another bar. It wasn't dead there but the person who i wanted to see wasn't there (my friend S who is also the bartender). Okay, fine i still have the bike its only 10:45 pm i have 60 dollars in my pocket and i am going to drink some booze tonight. I road from my house 55 street to a couple blocks past 1st street ( 60 blocks ) to 15 th street then back to 60th street ( 120 blocks total ), you would think there would be women in this bar which i could approach (WRONG). Ugh the whole night is getting me frustrated but i didn't lose hope, my last chance was this bar close to my house called Irish Haven. Boy, i went there and it turned out to be really good, plenty of girls without boy friends and plenty of young girls even better. I decided to get a Guinness and a shot of Jameson, i was just chilling, put some money in the jutebox and was watching a basketball game. usually i do this until i have some liquid courage to approach females. Generally, i am a very introverted and shy guy so its really hard for me to summon the nerve to talk to a total stranger (girl) in a bar. I was making eyes with some of the girls here but none of them were really my age and i didn't want to bother wasting time with them, well truth is i was just nervous and they didn't seem like the type who would be able to calm me down if i did approach them anyways. They seemed like the type to stay quiet and wait on me to carry a conversation, so that's why i didn't fvcking APPROACH THEM OKAY>? yeah i have been drinking a bit. Okay, after the shot and the Guinness, i made some chitchat with the bartender and had a Blue Moon, then some drunk guy comes over and starts talking to me. He asks me if i like that girl, i told him yeah but basically i just came to watch the game and wasn't really in the mood to do anything about it. he couldn't take the hint and went and told them that i liked them anyways, it made me really uncomfortable at this point. Then he continued to talk to them, at this point i turned my back because it was obvious he just wanted an excuse to talk to them and he didn't respect my wishes when i was like no i don't want to approach them right now. Basically they just shut me down, and then they shut him down several minutes later. The other girls were like i was hot and stuff and they tried to make me feel better about the situation but its just hard when some stranger comes out of no where and tells some cute girl that you like them even if you do or don't. Basically, any chance that i had at getting to relax and enjoy myself inspite of they young ladies was ruined and now i felt like i had a large target on my back as a desperate lonely single guy at the bar who doesn't have the courage to approach on his own and needs the help of a fat drunk man 5 - 6 years older then him. Why do people feel the need to do these things? If i was with someone else i would have just been like its fine i forgot about it, anyways i apologize to the ladies after he left but i just felt so embarrassed. It's hard working the scene, especially if your not a DJ or a bartender, to go to a bar by yourself. Jesus, i need more experience with these things and its only now in my mid twenties that i started practicing. Anyways i am still drunk but i need to stop writing before i really say something to embarrass myself. I need a hug right now... Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 Crazy day today, spent the entire morning doing some presentation for class. We kind of half assed the assignment but non of my team members really bothered to help me much. Then got home finally got some sleep after basically being drunk/awake for most of the night before. By the time i woke up my step-dad was like moving stuff from his office to the basement, so i helped him. Finally, i was going to play handball and then my sister is like begging me to help her move all her stuff from the apartment into out house. I helped her move everything but then decided to totally change my room from where my desk sits to my closet, book shelf. It took 3 - 4 hours and was really tiring i took so many breaks i was tired. Half the time i don't know where i summoned the will to keep going, eventually it got done and i was very pleased with the result. Also i hooked up my 15 inch laptop to my 21 inch computer screen, so that's also a nice feeling. So many of these things could have been done long ago but i never had the motivation to do them. I actually spent so little time on the computer today that i didn't even feel like using it. The only reason i am on it right now is force of habit. Also i got to see my dad and my little brothers so that was really nice as well. Being social and going to do things really kept my mind off the computer. Man, this screen is so big it kind of hurts my eyes, i don't know if i can get used to the brightness or if its just them i am tired. I feel like all my working out has really helped me to make leaps and bounds in terms of my fitness and everyone noticed that today as i was helping move stuff. It was nice to be recognized, also i noticed i didn't get tired as quickly or as easily as i used to. My left abdomen muscle finally healed so i can do sit ups again, which i am excited about. Also, that girl from my class well nothing really happened with it and i was going to ask for her number on the last day but something inside told me it wasn't worth the effort. Sometimes we see people with potential but those people aren't ready for relationships or just aren't ready to handle life changes, she seemed like one of those people. I don't really like dealing with people who don't make an effort to leave their house or change their routines, of course i am just assuming but these assumptions may or may not have saved me a lot of time and energy. I could just email her too, but whats the point, if she was really interested she could have made more of an effort to talk to me and stuff. Meh, its 1:04 am i shouldn't have drank that wine because it has made me feel uncomfortable now. Soon i will make some ramen noodles and try to get some ZZZ's. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Share Posted December 17, 2012 Wow, i just found out that this girl that i had a crush on is actually a lot younger than i imagined. This is wrong, even though she is my same sign well everything is fvcked up now. She won't be of legal age until next year of February "NY Penal Law 130.05 Paragraph 3 part a", i know this for a fact. Now the question is too pursue or not to pursue. Chances are i won't pursue as this is fvcking crazy. I know people are already judging me. Man, why am i talking about this. Can someone just shoot me already for being a fvcking creep. no? well shoot me anyways, the problem is i already poked this chick on FB oh god, my life is horribly, horribly gone wrong, i don't even have an excuse for being a creep now. I can't talk more because i have all this homework to do and i have been drinking. oh boy just shoot me now, i was born a loser i will die a loser. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 18, 2012 Author Share Posted December 18, 2012 I have a serious stress monkey on my back right now. Here was my weekend, wasted Saturday helping my sister move and going to class. Everyone on my team is a ****** because no one bothered to help me with the website and the prof gave me sh1t about it. All in all i spent Sunday going out to watch the Hobbit with my friend C (its a guy), we bought a pint of jim bean (that's whiskey) and a beer each to watch the move with. Boy was the movie boring as fvck. I read some other dude on ENA brought a chick into watch that movie with him, well if i was me i would have been all over on her like peanut butter on a jelly sandwich because neither of us would have cared much of missing any of it. You would think that the LOTR saga could have had an interesting story line where the director tells a story while running through interesting scenes instead of having actors talk for hours and hours and then there be 20 minutes of action. I mean come on, Starwars was way better than any of the LOTR movies and it was also very lengthy. Personally i love like mages, and wizards and all the the D&D characters, even better than some futuristic scifi films, but when you are going to make people dress up in costumes and talk and talk and talk for hours and battle for like 20 minutes, well *** do you expect. I am about to go to Rotten Tomatoes and see what people reviewed it as. Okay, back to the stress monkey. This is why i am stressed right now, i had a court day today and i totally forgot about it. instead i made plans with my brother to plan handball at the indoors court and didn't remember about the court date till we were already in the city at 11:33 am and i was suppose to be there at 9:30 am. I wasn't going to be a d1ck and be like well i need to try to make this court day now because i was an idiot and forgot and ruin our entire day together especially seeing as i how i rarely hang out with him. We actually had a lot of fun at the indoor spot and played a few games together, watched others play and ate food. Right now my right shoulder is kind of killing me, i just finished taking this long as nap and woke up cranky. I don't know if i will be able to relax now. For some reason my journal views have been going up a lot as of recent. It makes me worried. The sad part about me right now is my lack of motivation. Originally i started this journal to get fit, to get a job, to get over my mood disorders but lately i am failing. I keep making mistakes and i haven't seen any real progress. I need to stop going out every weekend and spending money as it is a limited commodity in my life right now. Also, school is stressing me out a lot. I wish this monkey would get off my back like seriously. Fvck i just realized what it is. I am hung over from my drinking last night, boy i am an idiot. This whole time i was thinking i was stressed when in reality its just a fvcking hang over. Wow. I feel so much better now that i know what it is. More and more i am regretting that i poked that chick, i realize now that i didn't even find her attractive at all, i think i was just lonely and desperate for attention. I have a bad habit of doing this with women, its called settling. Things are going to be so award now at the indoors if i see her again, there will be a very big chance that i will end up ignoring her a lot. I should have went with my gut about her age from the get go. That's the problem with young girls in my opinion, they always have these unrealistic romantic fantasies about men and marriage. There world is like full of hope, and roses, every holiday or birthday is another excuse to bond and go things, as they get older they get more realistic. Some people call this realism reality check, others call it being jaded, but these jaded girls are the ones i love more than anything. I love that their hearts have been broken and they are down about life and their old expectations. I love that they are seeking that man who they think will be able to let them feel alive again. They are much wiser, they don't have all these unrealistic beauty and the beast expectations of what love is suppose to be, some wilting rose in a glass, some man that will transform from some curse and become a prince. Could bell have not fallen in love with the beast? why couldn't she reject the man and be like eww, i thought you were all big and hairy now your just not as big and not hairy at all, sorry beast not my type. I like to think of myself as a beast, an untamed creature who is angry at the world which has rejected him so many times. Thing is thou, i cannot be tamed or change because i love the beast inside of me. I just need to keep looking for someone who is just as beastly as mean in terms of their outlook and demeanor. Wow, i think if anyone had read the last two paragraphs well they would have thought it belonged to the journal of a 13 year old girl. Anyways, writing all these thoughts have made me feel so much better and relaxed my nerves a lot. This wireless connection is being a fvcking b1tch right now. Sending over 2 million packets and i can't even watch the ending for beauty and the beast. Also, you know what i have been thinking to myself, all this going and and being social has only managed to get me more and more broke. I haven't made any new friends or gotten laid since i started doing it, and i know its like expecting results too soon but fvck its expensive to go to a bar and buy over priced drinks for the chance to try and talk to a girl or two every sat or sun night. Personally, i don't even like the experience of it at all, i think i need to change my scenery because i suck at the bar scene. I just need to learn to pick up women in locations other than bars or dance halls. I mean i suck at those locations too but the women are more willing to be picked up, maybe its all in my mind. Sometimes, i just wish that i hadn't ruined so many possible relationships and jobs of the past. I know why they all got ruined too, i know its because i wasn't happy with them at the time. I mean i rather be miserable, single and broke, then in a relationship working and miserable. its like at least i don't have to hide my despair, and realistically i am just an angry motherfvcker. I have been angry since i was like 9 or 10 years old. When i was going through my stuff from my childhood i found this one note that was like, i want to die. Its a little crazy to write that type of stuff when your still in elementary school. Boy, i need a better outlook on life and i need to stop stressing the ladies. Ladies don't fvcking make everything better, they are fvcking complicated as fvck. I can never figure out what the hell they are thinking half the time, the other half the time i'm like worried that they are lying which they are a lot. I ran into a close encounter with lying the other day to my friend C. He wanted to go to this beach called snug harbor or whatever to watch some ship wrecks in the pouring ran, well i didn't want to do that its fvcking cold and its also boring and they could be a chance that there would be no ship wrecks either. He was just bored i guess. Well i told him that i would text him around 4 to let him know what i was going to do. 4 o'clock came and i realized i wasn't going to see the shipwrecks but rather than be a d1ck and just not text him (i really didn't want to text him because i knew that he was going to b1tch to me on the phone if i told him i didn't want to go), i just decided to do the right thing and text him in spite of my fear of letting him down. I am not going to lie either, it was really hard i had a really strong urge to just let the whole thing blow over and worry about it later (this is my experience with the females by the way, the fvcking fear confrontation). I am an honest person, if you say you are going to do something and then don't feel like doing it well you don't have to do it but at least you can explain to the person why so they don't have to stay at home looking at the phone every 5 fvcking minutes to see when you are going to be ready. And, don't get me wrong guys do this sh1t all the fvcking time too, but hell i don't date men so how would i know! People can be so silly sometimes and say stuff like that to me on the forums. They will be like stop generalizing guys do this stuff too! Well, first off i don't care if they do, if someone responds with that well, they are missing the point entirely, all they are saying is nothing because they haven't even addressed the issue at hand. And what is the issue, honestly regardless of sex, i am talking about honestly and why is it that so few people have this trait. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 Yeah, i did all my school work. Now all i have to do is a final on sunday, i am feeling pretty good about myself holidays are coming up and that means i can pretty much take it easy for a while. Also that young girl, well we have been talking a little on facebook and i see myself thinking about it more and more, she has a little belly but i think that i should stay away, i don't know whats wrong with me, i know my peers and my family will be thinking that i am pathetic dating someone as young as my little sister. Jesus sometimes i think i need to learn when to draw the line. The truth is i am just lonely, oh boy what is wrong with me? Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 Went to the gym, only stayed for about an hour and a half because i was really really sore. I tried doing something today called drop sets. I think it worked. 60 Shoulder press dumbbell 60 Upright row dumbbell 30 Reverse fly 40 squat barbell 30 squat dumbbell 30 dead-lift 90 incline situps I was pretty much dead after all that shoulder work, my back is also killing me right now. Somebody on ENA told me i wasn't going to get any azz if i decided to keep living with my mother, i think she was right. It motivated me more to pursue work. I feel like its time to start getting more aggressive the weeks have been flying by. Funny how i judge others for living at home but never myself. Just the other week i was looking down on this 30 year old women who was living with her parents and thinking about how much of a turn off that is and here i am doing the same sh1t. Talk about being a hypocrite. Then today this girl sent me a PM asking if i knew some Thorshammer, i don't know what the purpose of a question is like that? Is she stalking the guy ask him yourself if he knows me, who asks such things anyways. I would understand if i spoke with the person before but come on, i don't even know you and your asking me stupid questions about other people online because we live in the same borough and are the same age. Let me take a demographic of every male in their mid twenties who lives in Brooklyn and find out how many of them know each other offline. I bet it would be like less than 3 percent. Anyways i really wanted to run to get this stress off my back but i was lazy and somebody told me that if i wanted to bulk up then i should avoid running. I need to google that. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 Geez, raking up a lot of views lately, could be because i am either popular or people are depressed because of the holidays. Either way i had a fun day today, which could get really sh1tty really soon. Something that i decided to do, ride my bike. That was a lot of fun. I road my bike about 8 or 9 miles i think, maybe just 8, i have a fixed gear bike and i like to ride it really fast and zip between cars and stuff. It makes a big difference if you have toe clips or straps on the bike because those allow you to pull up on the pedals increasing your cadence substantially. The reason i rode my bike, well i had to get some discharge papers from this hospital i went to 7 years ago for a detox or something to that extent. I was planning to go to the city afterwards to bring it to the PO but it started getting late and i ended up playing handball instead. Going to city tech to play handball is always fun, there are always people there and its right near the bridge between Brooklyn and the city. My back still kind of hurts, i think i was doing the dead lifts all wrong, however i am not going to stop that from going to the gym today, well i don't know i am confused about the whole situation. What is the deal with companies hiring people for information technology, they basically don't pay much and ask that ******s know 3 different Operating Systems Linux/mac/windows, Networking, tinkering with smart phones, 4 or 5 different types of code html/java/php/sql server i mean come the fvck on. I can't remember the last time i went on Craigslist and found anyone willing to train or take someone with basic computer knowledge. Why are they even posting ads like this anyways, its fvcking retarded, you think someone who has that kind of fvcking book knowledge on all the sh1t they are asking for has better things to do with their time then work as an entry level desk top tech. Here ill post a basic ad to show you what i am talking about. --------------------------------------------------------------------- IT Customer Support (Battery Park) Date: 2012-12-17, 12:48PM EST email removed[?] Customer Technical Support. Duties include: answering technical support phone calls and e-mails regarding issues including dns changes, domain registrations and renewals, e-mail set up/additions/deletions, e-mail client troubleshooting.; monitoring customer circuits and various server systems; reporting issues/outages and opening trouble tickets (Verizon, etc.); On-Site Client Technical Support: Duties include: traveling to remote client locations and performing general system administrative tasks to ensure software and hardware are working properly within all aspects of the client's network. Server/workstation and router troubleshooting, upgrades, installations, virus removal, backup/recovery, printer and general network troubleshooting. Data Center Support: Duties include: building, configuring, and maintaining customized client servers for dedicated colocation; maintain Microsoft SPLA licenses and monthly reporting to keep servers in licensing compliance. In-house Technical Support: Duties include: periodic back-ups or image cloning of administrative workstations; laptop/desktop and network troubleshooting and maintenance. Technical familiarity should include as many of the following: Operating Systems: CentOS, Debian, FreeBSD, Solaris, OS X, Microsoft Windows; Networking: TCP/IP, DHCP, SNMP, Wi-Fi; Software: Microsoft Outlook, Apple Mail, Thunderbird; Server Software: Apache, MySQL, DNS, Exim, Microsoft Exchange, Active Directory, MSSQL; Programming/Scripting: BASH, Perl, PHP, C, Python, HTML, vi/emacs. ----------------------------------------------------------- Here is another one i am just going to do job title and qualifications to show you what i mean ------------------------------------------------------------- Area of Interest: Help Desk - IT Qualifications: - Minimum six years of progressive IT call center or help desk experience; preferably within a professional services firm or similar environment - Minimum three years of supervisory experience leading a large call center or help desk team - Bachelor's degree from an accredited college/university or equivalent work experience - High level of technical experience in many areas of networking and software including LAN, WAN, Servers, Microsoft Office applications and third party applications - Ability to work rotating shifts including weekends and holidays ---------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, so do you understand what i am saying now? These jobs barely pay over 15 to 20 dollars an hour and this is what they expect? That's like saying receptionist qualifications: Masters Degree, 10 years experience, ability to handle multiple tasks such as faxing documents, while talking on the phone, while making coffee, comes in on weekends and holidays, pay 4 dollars an hour. I mean give me a freaking break, 5 years ago the market was nothing like this. Someone really has to draw the line somewhere because of companies are asking to perform sexual tasks on top of regular duties well i wouldn't be surprised if people would still be applying for them. I mean i understand its technology they don't want every idiot and their grandmother applying for these jobs, but if you not willing to train anyone and some of these people have their ads posted up for like years and years. These motherfvckers are basically only hiring internally and the ones who do hire externally, well you see what they expect. We are not talking law firms who are hiring the best and brightest either, we are talking about run of the mill bull**** real estate, stock brokerage, doctors office type jobs where they have outdated software/hardware and can barely change the toner in a laser printer. Trust me i know i have worked a few IT jobs in the past. You think the HR managers know all those fvcking programming languages? I just wanted to vent and i am still moody, i will take a nice hot shower now. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 21, 2012 Author Share Posted December 21, 2012 I have been speaking to this one person about a possible internship. I hope it works out i just have to speak with my college first to see if they will give me credits for doing the internship. I know i am getting a little over excited about this, but its the first break in a long time, really it will only be an interview and this is not even a paid position so to speak. The problem with me is that once i get one fish on the bait i just take my lines out of the water, i put to much energy into worrying about that one catch that i forget about other prospects. Same thing with women too, i always focus all my energy on that one girl that i am dating taking it so serious when it reality i should be more relaxed about it, it seems the females are always more relaxed and talking to others too. Maybe they are smart but i need to stop being the nice guy and playing by the rules when other people are always trying to get ahead or get some sort of advantage. I guess i am too gullible in pursuing small endevears like prospective jobs or prospective women, when others could care less and keep seeking and seeking regardless of how many fish bite. At the end of the day i pull up my hook only to find that that one fish got away and other people have like 5 or 6 fish regardless of the first they caught. Let me write down my progress for today, geez its raining so fvcking hard right now, its hard for me to relax my nerves; i even poured myself some tea to relax but against the rain its not helping much. I am surprised it hasn't snowed, maybe 2010 was the last time New York ever saw snow. With the snow not coming and the train fare being raised again, and the economy in the sh1tter i am feeling more and more like we are living in the apocalypse. Some sick world that is overpopulated where half of the nation is either broke homeless or poor and some evil villains are hoarding all the resources in an effort to conquer the world. 30 leg lifts 30 lateral leg lifts 40 push ups 30 dumbbell fly 30 bench press (dumbbell) 50 1 leg Romanian dead lift (no weight) Lets just say it was enough to get my heart racing a little but not enough for a sweat. I am thinking of doing P90 X because i want to see more results faster. Also, i learned that eating all that food was a waste because i put on fat weight not muscle weight. Watching Scooby's weight lifting channel on youtube really helped me learn a lot about weight lifting myths and stuff, like bulking up and how long it takes to grow muscle. I feel like lifting more weight but after all the handball and bike riding today i think i should try to rest. It's just so hard when I am waking up at 12 - 1 pm every day. I have my alarm set for 8 am, but then i wake up realize i have nothing to do and then fall back asleep. Also, one of my classmates is so fvcking lazy, basically nobody from my group bothered to help me put together the website or do their own videos but somehow they all want credit for the work. Then one dude emails me like a week later 3 days after the assignment was due with 1 picture and bunch of travel websites. First off that's the most half azz **** i have every seen, i provided them all with the login name and the password if they wanted to make changes themselves. Some people have like literally no fvcking backbone, he would be the idiot that if he was working with me would get fired because i wouldn't hesitate to call him out on the bull****. This is just a college class so, i couldn't really give a sh1t, the worst thing is all this group business, everytime they put me in a fvcking group with people its like someone always turns out to be a complete control freak, or someone is just fvcking lazy and does nothing. Once in another class, i literally just made this guy drop out and waste the 2 thousand dollars or so that he paid to take it; basically we all had to do a 5 page paper and combine it so it was a total of 25 pages or so, and i was being nice enough to edit it, then we were going to have a meeting about it. The dude sends me some incoherent nonsense at like 2 in the morning the day we were suppose to meet, i told him before not to bother coming if he wasn't going to do the work. He showed up anyways and it was embarrassing telling him that he couldn't participate because he refused to do the work. I mean i never had to do that to a grown man, but when adults start acting like children, what choice do we have? I hate the fact that i have to keep adding words to this spell checker, i mean seriously who programs this sh1t, how fvcking hard is it to put login in the spell checker! I don't know why all my entries start off nice and end up with me cursing up a storm and being angry, maybe its because i have crazy anxiety, maybe its because i am always angry, maybe its both. I need to get rid of some of this frustration, i need a women . . . P.S. I had a talk with my step dad about all the ridiculous qualifications, turns out he was explaining to me that you could list if you just had a few it would be okay, and that they would probably select the candidate who had the most. That's still fvcked up if you ask me, its like running a deli needing someone who can make sandwiches and asking to see if they could also do the register, take care of the book keeping, open and close the store, manage employee scheduling. Then sit back and see how many people apply for the position, at the end of the day you will find one idiot who is willing to run the store for you at minimum wage because he is desperate and needs to feed his family. This reminds me of that book, Grapes of Wrath. If you haven't read it yet, you should, its really good. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 22, 2012 Author Share Posted December 22, 2012 I spent my day waking up around 12:30 am riding to the city to give my PO some paper work. I was suppose to fix this problem with the ticket, because i missed the court date, but the line was so long i and i had to go my school to find out how to settle the situation with the internship. Turns out that going to the school was a good idea because i was able to register for classes early, i can actually graduate soon i only have 2 more semesters to go! I am not looking forward to paying student loans at ALL! Strangely i found myself going through other people's journals, lonelypast and lillyloowoo (she has a picture of a dog for her avatar) or something like that. It turns out that other people write really well, and don't jump around so much like me. Maybe they have greater attention spans, i am not sure, what i did find interesting thou was apart from their lives being sort of boring to me (no offense) they seemed to take joy in the small things. Like little details that made them enjoy their day, one poster for his school work, and the girl for her cat, man. I want to find that thing that makes me keep ticking, strange how i can see it so easily in how others write yet fail to manage to see it in my own work when i go back and re-read. Sometimes i think i am too angry, maybe there is awards for person who curses the most or gets angry the most in their journal (who knows). My mood is strange today, a feeling of calm has overcome my sense of being. It could be that school work is done, making progress with the certificate, finish cleaning my room, my sister finish moving in. It's like now there is nothing going on and that makes me depressed. I can never make up my mind about life, on the one hand when i am busy and have constant stress anxiety fits i am in hell, then when there is nothing i sleep all day and am depressed as (im trying not to say it but) fvck. I wonder if some people think i am crazy for cursing so much. I bet some people have never been arrested, addicted to crack, lived homeless for months at a time, been in a fight, felt like they were at risk of being killed or badly beaten to death, had paranoid delusions which forced them to go without sleep for more then 3 days at a time. Yeah, my life is like this a constant struggle for normalcy, ever time i try to be normal and just do regular things or have a regular journal or meet regular friends my mind starts to unravel. Its like god decided to create me based on the image of a van Gouh painting or something. The other problem is my mom, she is crazy pretty much and she raised me. Also she said that she had 2 uncles which suffered from schizophrenia, and i suffer from a lot of the symptoms of it as well. Some people have no idea how hard it is to function living with a mental disease. It's not something you can just walk around with and have people understand what thoughts are going through you mind because no one can relate to mental illness unless they have had something in their family with it. People understand what it is like to be unattractive, or to be broke, or to be addicted to drugs, or to have low self esteem. They can find others to relate to them, however serious mental illness, boy its a lonely world out there for people like me, sure we have friends and can function until we reach a very high level of stress and start losing touch with reality. I don't know what triggered me to write about this today. Maybe its the fear that i have where everything is normal and then all of a sudden something bad happens which starts the chain reaction to make everything fall into despair. When i was younger i used to write this incredibly long poems to help me deal with my anxiety. I feel like copying one right now. Just for the hell of it. And wow, after finally writing it all down i must have been one really disturbed 15 year old. Warning: it is really just a rant, i wouldn't bother reading it unless you have a really weird sense for imagery. Please don't judge this was written like 11 years ago when i was going through a very serious depression and i am writing it for the sake of myself. Geez, i am too self conscious. I remember feeling like back in those days i couldn't relate to anyone or have lines of communication because my world was so much more obscure from what the average person was experiencing, talking about day to day things was really boring and i remember my thoughts were always so much faster than those around me. Maybe i was just a narcissist 15 year old, who was going through delusions of grander at the time well who knows. Don't bother expecting any commas because my grammar was horrible and i think it still is. This poem is 4 pages long, and its not suppose to make sense. I would write this while listening to music and it wasn't so much for the context, it was for how the words sounded together along with the music. Of course this was so long ago i don't remember the song being played in the background, but i could pretty much rap this to any song i would say. Oh yeah it wasn't mean to be read, it was more of a rap, i would write down tons of raps but never had to courage to perform any of them, lol. White Noise Humus, bread, hunger With these i see what lie beyond the seven seas i cast my soul into a put of convulsions left right up never reaching down i hit the ground going a hundred a ten miles per second reflecting on what has come before this dazed interlude with god and thee apostles sitting by my bed hard rock white soft caste upon my head slowly surely beating harpies swing to and fro the window hanging hearts from heavens gallows between the spine and the spleen we form the narrows i stole a message from a wounded sparrow and took his life into my hands Left his wing in a makeshift sling so he could still sing a song of defeat enthroned the king we bare these burdens like little stones transformed we were by the lucid sage amidst the forest on a throne of bone man must atone within the marrow the darkest sorrow kindred carrions grace these graves they've paved the way for thee forsaken all alone and without family we walk among dead like zombies in the night tossed from the skies unto the land which is so vast i cast myself from out this stone to be alone in my indentured solitude so i may be able to brood among my selves i shelve the people into these draws and in this, i create the laws for man or minion i carry no conscious nullified i bleach my heart to see the purity in this manic phase of my borne insanity and what do i find within the seventh seal of zephyrs meal a child blind as a bat his words fall onto def ears the stories he swore the battles the war the babies he bore all blinded by the light of day i see his way how he sneaks thru the cracks of dark like a nark into a pool of squares swirling snowflakes like coke and cake they bask in the heat of the suns rays baking skin into powder the whiter the flower the more they implore you to endure the drinks so insured so i applaud the fags and the fraud drunkards bunking smoking bluntly under the stars i see the scars of sadists masochists fisting on the dark side of the moon a full monsoon where the flowers bloom and bombs go boom i see it all as blind as day this purple haze sucked into a sex craze with nothing and no one to amaze lain makes all the days diablo ritual virtually erasing the children within they're crying and dieing starving and frying the acids are burning while the masters are learning on how to control these parasites who bowl over and over like a lawnmower unrelenting the sound pound bricks like waves of lift we burst into flames it always ends the same because this story isn't sane and niether is lain he plays away the days to find happiness in the haze we wonder why he ponders the ways to escape the burly human rape they've taken his mind and bound his muscles to the roots of gaia and then set them on fire just so music could be made full blood HIV was paid but why did it have to me made Maybe it didn't, just some one from the slum wanted to be slung from here to there on some of the tightest dope that has ever been roped in living life sin according to the minion of god the minion of god who has swallowed his bod (meaning body) like many beofre this ***** was cast down his head painted with a golden crown atop the highest mountain of gold and brown men bury their own beneath the ground on which he stands so maybe, just maybe they'll be granted their wish and be clean of sin like the dish of hesus we make up thee excuse as to why we will hit the caboose for those who were let loose animalisticly metamorphosizing into bestiality its become a reality because physically we're both mammals transgender bender i got into a little bit of a fender with the sender of dna i didn't mean to offend her of him of even his moose I just figured if i let loose on another ******* then i wouldn't be able to taste the sweet sorrowful mace of moose cake man how i want to need i bleed for sex so complexed sexually vexed i wonder why we were hexed hung out to dry following the two to three second orgasm but then again who needs an orgasm or even an organism when we got ******* to distribute heroin among the masses we chime are glasses and shine the cups for the feast lest mans stomach is too full for yeast inflector i hope i didn't neglect to forget her for if i did then I'm sorry truly and most defiantly sorry my dear because why just why, would i want to remember the burning flame In the ember i don't now why i dismembered thee eye in the sky A member of the league bloody and fatigued we lead an army thru the blackest night where we slash and bash crash upon foes in a bucket of blows **** it and anything with even a flint of light or a will 2 fight I seek death and despise in all mankind's eyes rolling down the halls of illusions disillusioned by confusion ******* coming thru with all kinds of fusion self inflected pain injecting pollution no solution tapping the main vein we maim our bodies with this liquid bane how many times must we walk the path of carnage seeking refuge under needle point b1tches we swallow drugs like opium sandwiches flying hi above the skies with the power of gods in our hands we demand more and more intoxicated exploring the regions of nether realm we sweep thru dreams like sandmen we keep out stash wicked in the den of evil better watch out before i go medieval on your ass with a sword of glass and a shield of crack your head right open surging in the ins and outs what's it all about purging the poltergeists penetrating one and only famous anus virgin Mary i shear she fvcks like a fairy true and blue turn your face purple inside upside subside with me and my forces an entire dominion ride the seamen thru the river Styx into limbo with our diamond lance we chant mantras repetitious superstitious wouldn't you want to wish this never gonna need to miss this for in this i see a misanthropist he was godly spawned from the bowels of purgatory i heard his howls and invoked his spirit a deadly demon virus in the semen raped a dozen Mormon so i could spread the seeds of destruction what's your major malfunction is it in conjunction with my plan for total annihilation of the human race i have to see the pace for death to follow under my lead everything will bleed sanitation of this abomination human creation death in perfect animation reside under confines of the one divine how many lines does it take until you break down and OD what does one see or feel does it really matter does anyone care can anyone bare the pain that we eat in every meal for everything we consume must have died in someway or another is there anyone way to escape this genocide mass necromancers cancers of death when nothings left but crystal meth pcp down on one knee i pray to thee eternal in your blasphemy take me away from this boring melon collie drudgery Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 22, 2012 Author Share Posted December 22, 2012 Wow, okay so last night was really crazy. This girl K, i started a thread about her basically. You can read it all here . Anyways, she calls me oh my god, has it been 2 months already Jesus, anyways she calls me out of the blue to curse me out on the phone not once, but three times. First question i would ask her if given a chance to confront her is, why do you still have my number saved in your phone? it was 4 encounters tops and we ended up fighting for at least 2 those encounters, second of all did i mean that much to you for you to call me like that and curse me out? When i first picked up the phone, basically i had no idea who is was, i thought one of my friends was playing a prank on me but thinking to myself listening to the voice, i was like whose voice is this? After the second call, i realized it was my sisters voice, but then i checked to see if she had called me, she said no?! I basically got angry on more then one occasion and deleted everything i had of K online, facebook messages, phone number, text messages, she really pissed me off, and more than one occasion i forgave her only to do it all over again. How much of a coward do you have to be to call someone from a blocked number while drunk, at least have the balls to call me sober and cuss me out, granted i am intimating to someone who weighs less hundred pounds and is about four nine or something. She reminds me of this girl called Lupe Fuentes from the ex girlfriends , of course lupe is hotter than her but they both have very similar body frames, similar skin tones and long hair which drops past their waist (ladies i think long hair is really fvcking sexy). Okay, on to the second thing. I stayed up till 4:49 am last night watching this show called catfish. A commercial aired for the show while watching Jersey show with my brothers and i asked them about it. If anyone hasn't seen the show you should watch it, its really crazy. Basically its about people who date online and base all their information off of a picture, but the catch is that isn't their profile picture. It usually turns out to be someone who is like literally 1000x hotter than them, and this is someone who they deceived into falling in love with them. The saddest part is that the person who is online dating them, well they are like exchanging very intimate information and saying them love them and talking with them for hours over the phone. I mean it's really crazy stuff, you know how some women are like i am attracting to a mans personality and all that stuff, well it turns out they meet the person who they have been thought to have talked to for over 8 months to a year w/e how long it is. I already ruined most of the show for those who don't watch so ill let you watch the show to decide for yourself if they end up choosing them or not. I guess that's the best part of the show, seeing if there was really a bond between those two people or if they were really just in it for the looks after all. Some of you might been thinking, how is this guy still going on only 4 hours of sleep? Well the truth is i am barely going and i need to make myself a freaking triple espresso or something because i am so tired its making me nauseous. I basically forced myself to stay awake this time once my alarm went off to try to regulate my sleep patterns. Anyways, i need to relax for now as even watching this screen is hurting my head. Oh yeah, i need to stop the youtube and even the facebook because facebook keeps redirecting me to youtube. My computer addiction, is bad, this isn't good for my growth, its hurting me in many ways. I should be reading or exercising not staying on the computer for hours on end doing nothing productive! Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 23, 2012 Author Share Posted December 23, 2012 Yesterday all i did was help my sister move the rest of her stuff and drink beers. Her boyfriend is like big on drinking so we started drinking a little while helping her pack some stuff. Then, at around 9 or something my friend calls me saying he is bored or whatever, so i told him to come to my sisters apartment to help us move and stuff. Afterwards we just watched some videos online, mainly fight videos, i don't know why i like watching this stuff it just excites me. At around 12 pm we decided to leave to go to a bar, i realized i had been spending a lot of money lately, for some reason its really hard not to when people invite you out or you are with people, its like i can choose to hoard the money and be rich and lonely, or have a life. Anyways, we went to this one bar called Loki in park slope, people there are all like older and more established, some of them are snotty too. It's hard if you are trying to meet women there because many of them are like older gals and already have been going to the bar for some time, actually its more of like a lounge type of environment. We played some pool, in which we lost badly i guess those guys were a lot better in spite all of our attempts (actually we both made some really bad shots). For some reason my friend and i had this discussion about how being on unemployment is a bummy thing and others pay taxes to support our life style, blah blah blah. He can be kind of an idiot sometimes, i tried to explain to him that i had payed plenty of taxes and that there was a system set up in case these sort of things happened. Also we discussed why some guys get laid more than others, i was like some of these guys are like cave men posturing at each other to see who makes more money, or who is more established but we both realized that regardless of how much money a person make, women have an innate ability to find the physical qualities of a man inciting as well. Afterwards we went to this Mexican place to take out some food to go and he realizes that he left his credit card at the bar, so we drove back to get it before he dropped me off at home. I didn't really like his attitude throughout most of the night, he was acting all like b1tchy and sh1t. He reminded me of my cousin, this guy was really inconsiderate, sometimes i don't understand why people behave like this. Is it the way they were brought up to be considerate of others or something. I know better than to get angry if he does start acting like a little d1ck and stuff because he gets set off very easily so i usually just let him ride out his moods, but just like my cousin in the future its easier for me to distance my self from those type of behaviors. Same thing with women, if i see one who is acting all spoiled and childish, i won't say anything to them but in the future i will distance myself from them. People are often wondering why their dates don't call them back, what was it they did wrong, why don't they get an explanation so on and so forth. It never occurs to them that their behavior was the reason was primarily their behavior. They think that because others tolerate their little titty fits, that it is actually acceptable when in all reality they don't know how to act in the company of others. Certain etiquette, certain dress code, tone and texture of speech, context used when speaking, lack of empathy, too controlling all these factor into how others will perceive you. My sister and I (my younger sister) had a discussion once about why certain people are more popular than others. She explained to me that the way one acts will entitle them to pursue more friendships and be liked, my response was I am not going to change who i am to accommodate others. Maybe this is what most people think as well, but if who you are is crabby, then others will find it very hard to notice your more favorable qualities. Also, many people have never had proper instruction on how to behave in a social environment other than what our parents have taught us, for some the task is so hard because they hardly know what to do. Anyways, i talk to much about socialization, maybe i need to just be around people more to be more relaxed, that is my biggest problem, the entire time at the bar, everytime i went out, i could never relax and be myself. I was always on guard, and this is why i was afraid to approach women because i knew my approach would be awkward at best. Anyways, i am going for now, i want to play handball today. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 24, 2012 Author Share Posted December 24, 2012 I AM FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW. whenever i get into one of my moods, i eat a lot of dairy. It is very comforting to me. I just finished eating a bag of powdered donuts and a vanilla shake with a little debbie Frosted Honey bun. Geez, sometimes i wonder how is it possible not for me to get fat or anything with the trash i eat. The other reason i am frustrated is because i spent way too much money this weekend and my unemployment check hasn't come through? What's going on, should i have not been depending on that, was i suppose to fill out some survey, i don't even know. I think i claimed my benefits for this week twice already. I am in a bout of anxiety and i hate how people start these threads and never reply to them. What is the point of asking a question and never responding when someone answers, also i hate being the last person to answer a thread. It is like no one ever responds when i say something, maybe i just say stuff that is too provocative i mean sometimes people do but i think many more people just don't understand where i am coming from with my opinions or stances on certain issues (granted i don't have the most conventional patterns of thought). The only good thing that comes from me being high energy is my athleticism, i can usually blow people out with my spirit, but when it comes to talking others get overwhelmed or exhausted very quickly. I have been reading another journal lately, the entries are very vague, i feel like reading journals gives me incite into the minds of others, especially when it comes to learning about people from different walks of life or the opposite sex. What i find though is the same thing that happens in the real world, i will read a page or two and then lose interest. Like the way certain people express themselves is all too familiar to me, there isn't anything about them that i am interested in. Imagine people were colors, and most people you saw were a different shade of white or black, sometimes you would see an orange person, or a pink person, maybe even turquoise those are the colors you would be attracted to, because they are different and exciting. Well lately i feel like everyone i see or talk to is either gray, white not even black. It is so tiring, then the other thing is finding the orange person and then they see you as a grey or white person. Like they are so special that they don't have time for another grey or white person. Maybe the colors are subjective, i think not thou i think that many people can see someone who stands out in a crowd, or someone who is truly talented. I need to improve my passion for reading, even though i have been writing and reading more since i joined ENA i feel like i am not doing it enough. Man, i am very depressed right now, i know it has something to do with my drinking last night. Drinking kills my mood a lot, i am going to stop for about 2 months to get back to normal. I hope i find that orange person soon to make my world a little brighter, i just need to have patience. Maybe ill talk about M soon, the only long term relationship i have ever had. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 I am not going to write much because i am a little drizzy right now. I had 2 glasses of sangria, 1 barcardi torched cherry cola, 2 vodak/oranges (screw drivers). And all of this in about 4 hours i think. Anyways, i worked out a lot last night. 30 concentrated curls 30 shoulder press 30 bench press 45 tricep extension 30 1 arm rows 20 upright row 30 shoulder raise 20 sit up Okay, maybe it wasn't that much but it was good just to work out in my room. I think i fixed the problem with the unemployment, although i am feeling more and more nervous about this internship every day. I feel like its a web-based thing, and that's not necessary what i want to get into. MY head is hurting a little right now. The weird thing is that lately, i stopped caring about reading and all my ambitions, i feel like i am falling into a very bad pattern and losing more and more control of my behavior with each passing day. Lately i have been watching some self help videos, and they are all explaining that 90 percent of living exists in your mind. Well, if thats true and everything was about confidence and self affirmation and why the fvck do people need skill sets, or experience. Much advice online is just absolute bull****, guys give dating advice but it doesn't fvcking help every guy out there because knowing something doesn't mean you know to apply the knowledge or execute the techniques to a T. It's like saying i can teach you how to throw a 90 mph fast ball or how to run a fortune 500 company but that doesn't mean you are going to be able to fvcking do it? What is the point of giving someone advice without training, its so senseless. Much of advice that we are given on a day to day basis are ideas which we have already thought of but have chosen not to follow through with. I agree that in certain situations that advice can be helpful but in many cases, well it's just empty words. Ill post a video of what i mean. This is a video about this guy who is supposedly an expert on dating. Now, the guy in the video tries to explain why women would be excited to date virgins? Well, yeah maybe some would, but most don't have to time or energy to teach someone how to have sex, just like most people aren't going to teach someone how to work a job, or use the toilet or cook a meal. They would rather find someone who already knows what they are doing to begin with, this takes the stress out of the situation. Granted this is only my opinion, but somehow this guy has a way of talking where he turns **** into gold with his presentation. It's like yeah he is giving people ego boosters and explaining that they have chances and stuff. However, like all self help or advice orientated situations, the person receiving the advice, well they are just living their lives based on someone elses views, they haven't inherently learned anything except how to trust others. They are blinding go by the word of others rather than continuing to go by a trial and error basis. Sometimes i really love this solo feature, because people can't judge me or argue with what i am saying. i like to hear others opinions, but many times others don't suggest anything, they try to tell you, that you are wrong, that their words are truth, and furthermore they insult you for not knowing any better, like they were the authority on the matter to begin with. How do people develop these sorts of behaviors is beyond me, i just know that i find them very hard to tolerate. Link to comment
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