junebug123 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Share Posted December 25, 2012 Just saw les miserables with the family. My little sister is so controlling it gets on my nerves. She tried to talk over me every chance she gets and is always correcting anything she thinks is right. I understand she is a teenager and many times i just move on, and let it go. However it gets to the point when it becomes very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who constantly behaves like this. The other problem is the severe lack of disciple she has received as a child and throughout her life, its like trying to talk to an 8 year old and explain calmly to them that you cannot take the to ToysRus. All i really want to do today is play handball but we have to go see my step-dads family who is really, really boring. There is like little to no commonality between those people and me. First of all they are all like low middle class living in homes out in long island, conservative republicans who's only experience dealing with diversity are the interactions they have with their brother who married a Spanish women and her children. The one guy is really an *******, he once said that Tiger woods shouldn't be allowed to be in certain Pro Golf circuits because its a club members organization and many of those 'white members' didn't want a 'black' man in there to begin with. Every-time we go out to long island the conversations are really just about politics, there is no one there my age except their daughter who i have nothing in common with. Her name is Kristina when we were both like in our teens, she was really immature like she didn't know how to socialize with anyone outside her school friends and always treated me like a stranger. Now she is in her twenties, she's gotten really overweight, drinks a lot, and dates this ugly guy who is a sanitation worker. No one in my family thought he was attractive and his socializing skills were even worst then hers, they just hang out together in a corner of the room actin like little kids when they are in their mid twenties. What's worse is that i feel like many of the conversations being held on in the room are like beyond this guy, like he couldn't keep up and doesn't know anything that doesn't relate to sports/work. The funny thing is him, and John (the one who makes racist statements) get along really well The other annoying part, is the fact that i will have to be squished in the back seat of a very small car for many many hours to get there. This experience is literally worse then a night in jail (i know i've been locked up before). There is nothing i would love to do more than just cop out and be like, well i'm not going because my sister decided not to go. Great now i'm being called to leave, someone shoot me now. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 Turns out the trip was pretty nice and everything kind of worked out fine. I'm surprised i was so hesitant to go in the first place. I have also noticed that i've been reading more since i started reading other people's journals. Strangely i find myself very judgmental of others lives, even though i don't want to be judged myself; I guess you could call me a hypocrite. The other thing is i noticed mistakes people make, and i feel this need to show them the way or help them, similar to what my sister was doing with me. Geez, i am so controlling i guess maybe it runs in my family. It's hard to watch someone doing something badly or going through a tough time and not wanting to step in and offer advice and stuff. I know in my own heart though, that i wouldn't want anyone doing that to me and even if a person does want help well its better they learn their own life lessons. Reading is very exciting to me, its like i feel that in order to grow intellectually, i will have to read more (of course this is true). Funny how i talk to myself in my own journal. Sometimes i get bored of the reading certain entries, but its like watching a movie or reading a book, or playing a game, there are boring parts and parts which are exciting the hard part is trying to enjoy the journey and not the conclusion. My main problem is always focusing on the end result rather than just enjoying the experience. Well, i didn't want to admit this but last night i got a little carried away with self gratification and watching youtube. Basically i stayed up till past 4 in the morning, gratifying myself, why? I am an idiot? I don't know i think it has something to do with the drinking and me being compulsive after drinking for 2 days. I can tell myself not to do something, but regardless of what i tell myself i know what i like and what i don't like. How do you retrain your brain to like reading and not masturbation? Today, i woke up at 2 pm after waking up, realizing i was tired and then going back to sleep again. My sisters bf well he wakes up at 6 am almost everyday sometimes on weekends to go to work, how does he do it? Isn't he tired and feeling sick and wanting to go to bed. He really motivates me to better myself and better my life. Even thou i am a lot smarter than him, it's like non of that matters because he is more successful in life then me do to the fact that he basically just works harder then me. I feel like most of the people in the world work harder then me. I have been afforded all the same opportunities to work as them but choose to quit many situations while they kept working getting their money up. Something i noticed about working, it makes the time go by so fast. This is why i am scared to work any job for any period of time, because i don't want my life to pass me by. Maybe i am just making up excuses for being lazy. Man, my left wrist is tired right now, in fact most of my body is tired. I am going to get a nice big cappuccino and a sandwich and i am going to the indoor courts with my Xmas money. wow, i sound like a loser getting presents from my parents at 26. I almost wrote 27, my birthday is in a month, i am going to be 27 soon, man i am depressed i hate getting older and feeling like i haven't accomplished much with my life. Most people don't realize i couldn't afford to go to college until i turned 24 and got financial independence. My sister goes to college with this kid whose parents are rich, supposedly he is a sex offender and smoked weed all the time. I mean, i know that kid is a loser in real life, but i feel like i am also a loser for not having a job at my age. Well, i want to keep writing because i feel like i am touching on a lot of good stuff here but also i want to enjoy my day. Merry Christmas you guys, somehow i am hoping i meet a nice girl at a new years party or something. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 This is it, i am going straight edge from this moment on. From now on no more porn, no more jacking off more than once a day, no more youtube, no more going to the bar and spending money on drink, no more spending money on drink period. This is what i call training your mind, i fixed my issue with facebook earlier, i realized i was subscribed to the one girl, that's why i kept getting updates from her status and the other girl i just took her off of my news feed. Turns out after i did that, i not even excited about facebook anymore. Weird how stalking someone is so exciting! I feel like if i can accomplish these goals just like i accomplished not playing starcraft, that i will be a new person by 2014. I know i have said before i will stop youtube, and stop the porn but its very hard to quit any addiction, and the fact that i have become of aware of it is a very good move. In the past with other addictions i have said over 7 times that i will quit and eventually managed to quit. I just had to reach a breaking point and i think i am finally there. Also i am excited about getting my money from the unemployment finally i realized i could have already saved over 15 hundred dollars if i had no been spending like an idiot. After i posted this entry, i came back to edit it because i felt like immediately jacking off, jesus this is going to the hardest thing i have ever done! Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 Wow, my last two journal entries were really depressing. Someone actually sent me a PM saying my writing was good and not to worry about censoring your content (its just i get paranoid sometimes, if someone i know reads this, that's all, lol). It makes me feel like not everything i have done on ENA was in vein and also i realize that people actually do read some of the things i write I had a very relaxing today, it consisted of waking up at 2 pm, moping about a little, i think i ate something (not sure what, maybe i didn't eat anything weird how i can't remember now!), then going to play handball. Boy, i busted this kids azz so bad in handball today, and these girls i busted their azz too. It made me feel like a real MAN, muahahaha. I know they were like not the greatest players but sometimes it doesn't matter how challenging the game is, just to win is gratification enough. I know that recently i said i was going to talk about my longest relationship with this girl called M, then i like never did it. I think i mentioned it at the end of entry #74, to think of how far i have come with this online journal, i feel like i have accomplished something during my stint with unemployment So anyways, 800 + views later woot, i'm famous! lol. Okay, back to M, the women who has had literally the biggest impact in my life in terms of my growth with relationships of humans who have different sexual organs then myself (aside from my mother of course). In the past, i have formed strong bonds with females even fell in love, but basically this lady M, well she took my virginity. Strangely, i had been saving my V for a long time, i always had this weird fear that either: A. i would have sex and become a sex addict, and would be a the mercy of a women's reproductive organs (this is sort of true, lol) or B. i would have sex and hate it, and realize i was gay, and hate myself. Let's just say that there were quite of few ladies who wanted to have sex with me before M. I'm talking about more than like 4 or 5. Some were direct others were just relationships where things happened like kissing, making out, other stuff involving hand jobs and cunnilingus, but never blow jobs and never sex. Some people are reading this and thinking wow, this dude is gay. I don't know, i was just scared most of the time, i remember this one girl i really liked her a lot, like a lot, i even wanted to have sex with her, we went on this road trip together with my boy and his female friend, me and the chick were basically holding each other skinny dipping in a public beach at 1 in the morning and i just didn't penetrate her. She at times was like, do you want a blow job, do you want sex. I got really nervous and was like "What did you just say?", she got embarrassed and played it off. Needless to say that she didn't want to keep going out with me after i refused sex. It happened a lot when i was younger, i started feeling inadequate, like women wanted my penis and i couldn't give it to them. Emotionally, i just wasn't ready and the young girls well they pressured me, and i didn't like that pressure, it was always a turn off. Funny, you would think women could be seductive, in fact many of the girls who approached me were not very smooth in their approaches at all, they were very blunt. It was scary for me to be approached or ask about sex in such a casual manner. Of course after a while, i decided i was ready and then hit another speed bump, ladies who didn't want to take my virginity. It went from being a blessing to being a curse. I started approaching older ladies, ones i felt more comfortable around when it came to matters of sex and foreplay, ones who i perceived as being more experienced and ones who had better developed bodies, bigger hips, bigger breasts, more estrogen than those immature girls of my high school days. These women, they rejected me, and often. For some reason i started hating myself for not being ready back then, and now feeling like i missed out on all this training for the ladies who i felt were 'worthy' of me. This one women, i had went on a trip to Cuba with my mom, lets just say that she was very beautiful. We were messing around one night, basically i got her off and wanted to go all the way. Well, she took a shower and told me to leave before anyone found out i was at her room, i felt used. In fact she wanted to take pictures of me being hard on her bed, i was like, "No, are you crazy". Her response was, "its for my personal collection." Weird people, weird times. Fast forward two years, i left my house with 2 dollars in my pocket after getting into a very big physical altercation with entire family (w/ the exception of my younger sister). I remember going into the city asking a police officer for help on where to go if i was homeless. I think i was given some city location in the Bronx or something. I felt like i was starting this new journey towards independence. Well, i talk too much none of this has anything to do with M so ill skip ahead another 7 months, ill come back to this later. Basically, i was working for this circus called the Big Apple Circus, they come to New York once a year from October through January. By now i had been working with them for about a month or two, the Circus is a very lonely and scary place for someone who has no experience in the real world. I think i just turned 20 at the time. We went from New York, to Atlanta Georgia. The work is very very hard and very psychically demanding, it consists of putting a 5 story tent up and taking it down from city to city, my job was Tent crew, i was to maintain and organize others in the construction and DE-construction of this tent. The tent is called a Big Top, it houses the performers, the audience, the ring leader, a lot of important people basically, so if anything goes bad like wind, rain, heat, cold getting in or disturbing the performance, well its your azz basically. M, was this women she was 29 turning 30 i think. However, she was an artist like me, she had a very artistic mind set and had an open mind. At the time we would see each other around the circus, actually several females at the circus found me attractive. I was 6 feet tall, athletic, tan skin, blue eyes, in my twenties and i was on tent crew one of the better positions. The other positions being maintenance, they clean poop basically and deal with porter potties (not fun), then you have concessions (they make pop corn, cotton candy, check tickets, its also a sh1tty job), there is ring crew (this one is fun) they move props around for the performers during the circus acts, then you have electric crew (they deal with the spot lights, smoke, technical things like sound as well). Ring crew and electric crew are very hard jobs because they deal directly with the circus acts and the performance depends on heavily on them. Tent crew was easy during show time, but hard as fvck during the times we had to load in and load out, basically it entailed telling temporary workers how to do sh1t and it was a 3 day marathon were sleep was a luxury. Well it just so happens that M's job was good too, she dealt with the selling of tickets at the window and office stuff. Eventually she went on to deal with the maintenance of the animals. I found her very attractive, so did a lot of the other guys, she had this ability to keep to herself thou, meaning she didn't sleep around like a lot of the other circus girls. Strangely people living in these conditions had bad habits, with drugs and sex so it was hard to find a decent women and M was one of those. During our time in Atlanta we would meet in the cook house and play games, like poker and stuff, and drink to pass the time on the weekends. People in the circus can drink pretty easily too because none of use paid for rent or food basically (it was all provided for by the circus). Man, i am going to have to finish this another time because my sisters baby started crying and we all went to the living room to calm her down, now i got writers block or more realistically i just don't feel like finishing this today. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 Okay, i'm back. This is what happened, during one night at the cook house, i don't know if i ever mentioned i was bi-curious but basically M had this male friend. He was around her age and he was gay, they were both into me. I would flirt back with him and let him buy me drinks, this one night at the cook house, it was me him, M and another guy, we were all pretty trashed and the other guy was flirting with M a lot. I am not sure what happened but one thing led to another and i went back to M's room and kissed her on the lips. I was good at being very allusive, being aloft, i had this thing where i would flirt and touch and play but never get serious. It was good this way, it kept people guessing and i could always distance myself from being rejected without things getting serious. Obviously i liked M so it was hard for me not to get attached to her and our nights at the cook house were getting steamy. As for M's friend, well i think he ended up being a sour puss, i was leading him on and being mad at M because she stole me from him, (not like i was a prize to be won, like some sort of circus hoe or something). Man, i have been listening to Depeche Mode for like 2 hours already, i need to change this sh1t. Okay, now i'm listening to Emery lately i keep listening to the same bands over and over again like i am a baby who only likes a certain type of pacifier. Yeah, so like i was saying, we kissed and eventually, i ended up in her room and we had sex. It was awkward, i remember the condom being too tight, and her uterus being too big. It was like i couldn't figure out what it was suppose to feel like, i didn't know it was a muscle which could clench or relax, everything was so alien to me. It took me a while to learn that she could control that muscle and that the women wasn't going to just clench it to make me feel good without motivation. For some reason, my biggest concern was the the sensation, at the time i felt like i was putting my penis in a rubber balloon. I remember telling my mom this over the phone, she told me to hang in there and that practice makes perfect. M and i, exchanged a lot of emotions over the next coming weeks. At first she was very cold to me, thinking it was a fling or something, i didn't know how to act towards her either? I was confused, i was like wow we had sex now what? Women, they confuse me, rather than her saying hi to me next time we saw each other, she just ignored me. Eventually, i would talk to her and confront her and ask her how she was doing, when i did this she seemed relieved and comforted by the fact that i was making an effort towards her. It was like she had no idea what was going on inside my mind and figured i thought the worse things, like i was only in it for the booty and i was a one hitter quitter. Funny, i sound like a pirate, ARG! the booty is MINE! M had issues, she told me she used to cut herself when she was in her twenties and she also explained that she had a female babysitter who molested her when she was a child. Sometimes, i don't know what to do when females open up to me like this, basically i would just listen. We would go out on dates, to eat, to the movies, we both had jobs and money was never the issue, the issue was always finding time or reasons to do things. I would sleep in M's bunk many nights, she had a room for two roomies and there was never a roomie in her room, while i had three roomies and i always had people in my room. My room was a freaking pigsty too, tobacco all over the place, i was living with this one guy who we would call Batman. The dude was crazy, he smoked weed and had thousands of dollars due in child support. He told me some crazy stories too of how he was in the Navy before and messed it up. He was messy and drinking Bacardi, seemed like a lost cause to me, always smoking weed in the room and spilling dutch guts all over the place. I think, my relationship with M was moving very quickly, and basically we were living with each other after only a few weeks. I felt suffocated soon, i needed to be with people my own age who i could relate too. What's worse other women were approaching me, even more now then before because i had a girlfriend, isn't that weird? I wanted to get with these girls but i had a responsibility towards M, i didn't know what to do. Everyone knew me and her were going out, we weren't exactly private about our situation, well one of my bosses was angry because he had been hitting on M for weeks and now she was dating me of all people. I knew a lot of the guys were jealous of me, like how did some snot nose kid who only joined the Circus two months ago hook up with one of the hotter single chicks in the lot. It was good because we were having unprotected sex a lot, but then there were problems. At the time, i didn't realize what the problems were but overtime i started distancing myself from her (i remember i bought her a cell phone, so we could keep in touch). I would start hanging out with the guys more, and drink more. I started smoking weed too, and doing shrooms (magic mushrooms). Drugs were always available on the lot, people had ways of getting them there and there were always customers. Needless to say, i didn't spend much money on the drugs and only did them out of boredom but it was three steps back from when i joined the circus and had quit smoking. That's another thing, M and I had both quit but now we both smoked cigarettes together. Maybe, i was homesick, maybe things were moving too fast, i am not sure what was going on, i just remember feeling trapped and wanting to escape. M tried to keep the relationship going by having sex with me a lot. More than usual and i got used to it, i knew it was her way of lashing out which was weird because i didn't care for sex that much but i wasn't in the position to say no, because i did like it. Maybe, she corrupted me, maybe its like that book 'choke', where this guy is corrupted by this women and turns into a sex addict or something. I think, what happened was that i became depressed and i wanted to leave the Circus. I think, i just wanted freedom from the relationship and i wanted to explore my sexuality, sex was so new to me at this point, i didn't want to be responsible or tied down to someone. Also, i was in love. I don't know how it happened or when it happened, i know i talk about the bad parts a lot but there was also a lot of fun we both had in the beginning. We would go on these trips on the subway when we were in Jersey into the city, or through Boston, we were traveling it was nice to have a companion always. Someone to share the days events with, someone to keep you warm at night, someone to wake up and have breakfast with, someone to hug you if you were having a bad day, someone to take to a party, someone to share a secret with, someone who didn't care how bad you smelled, or if you had a bad hair day, someone who would love you unconditionally for just being you. Someone who you didn't have to impress, someone who needed you as much as you needed them. I remember wanting to get this level of closeness and intimacy with all my future partners. Somehow, i was always rushing them to get there and was never satisfied. Maybe there are people in this world who are like lock and key and sometimes you keep searching keyholes trying to turn each one, waiting for the door to open and being frustrated. M was the one who opened for me. I remember once i had opened the door it was impossible to close and my heart had been exposed to something which it would never forget ever. It no longer mattered about me or M, the only thing that mattered to either of us was the bond which we had formed. It was like this bond we created had a life of its own and would choose to bring us together on its own regardless of our feelings towards each other. Man, all this writing has gotten me really fvcking depressed and lonely, you see this i why i don't write this kind of sh1t, going down fvcking memory lane, and for what, to remind myself of how i got addicted to crack, fired, displaced and lost it all to a bad decisions. I say i believe in fate, but sometimes fate deals us a cruel hand and maybe ill save that story for next time. How i ended up spending more than three thousand dollars in a span of 2 to three months, while living shelter for mentally dysfunctional people in Harlem. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Share Posted December 31, 2012 I just fought off a serious bout of anxiety. It had something with the fact that after i said i wasn't going to drink, watch youtube, or porn anymore i went out and played handball. I went to this indoor spot where there is lighting but it is also connected to a bar. Afterwards i wanted a drink or two because i was feeling lonely but then decided not to because i had to pay again to get into the bar, strangely. After i got off the train at home i decided to have a few drinks at this bar. Strangely i spent about 55 dollars combined on food and drinks, it was my first time spending this much in a single night in so long and many people i know have spent more but they aren't exactly on unemployment and can afford to do so. It's strange how my life is becoming more and more unfunctional with each passing day. I am trying to figure out what happened to the motivated person who was going to get back into bike messaging but then decided to give computers a go and is waiting on 1 interview for an internship. It feels like i am banking all my hopes on this and basically its a set up for failure. I should have kept applying to different places and stayed motivated but instead i decided to play handball and watch youtube all day. I find myself getting more and more depressed, isolating myself from the rest of the world. I know i need to establish some type of daily social interaction but it feels so difficult at this point. All my interactions with people were limited to work and handball, now they are limited to just handball. I don't even have friends outside of handball with which i communicate regularly. I need to start organizing my time and manage my money better. I know the event which triggered this entire episode basically comes down to me drinking at the bar forcing me to be hung over and not being able to do anything today. I know tomorrow is a new day, I know things will eventually get better, but right now my mood is really really down. I wish i had someone who i could seek for communication, who could bring my spirits up. I have basically given up on that girl who i liked for a little bit, i mean my happiness shouldn't depend on the opposite sex anyways. Right now i am wearing this wife beater which is really ichy because i don't think this **** is even made out of cotton, i bought it at a 99 cents store. Maybe i have written with the letter 'i' more than twenty times in this entry alone because for lack of a better word, or usage of nouns. What would you do if you were up at 3 : 38 am and new that you were going to be alone for the next 4 hours. This is what my life has been like for the past week. It's like solitary confinement only coupled with anxiety and insomnia. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted December 31, 2012 Author Share Posted December 31, 2012 I woke up at about 4:32 pm so i am going on close to 16 hours without sleep, wow i was just trying to calculate the math and i thought i was wrong, i had to recheck the addition on a calculator to see if i was right or not. I heard the longest anyone has been without sleep is close to 11 days . funny how i am trying to go 1 day and failing miserably for the past week. Also, i learned a very valuable lesson this past weekend. The right decisions or the best decisions are always the hardest ones to make. Like working out in the gym after a hard days work, choosing not to go to the bar in an effort to save money, choosing not to cheat on your SO, choosing to stay late after work in spite of having plans to go out with your friends. I am realizing now that my entire life, or a good majority of it, i have been making the chooses which have been easy. It doesn't take intelligence or wisdom to make difficult decisions, it takes will power and strength of mind. So people choose to depend on some type of divine entity for that power, others have strong self discipline, some practice yoga/meditation. People have been searching for years to these answers and written countless books, movies, and created courses to problems with overcoming these negative behaviors or becoming stronger individuals. Some people have tapped into this source of power, this drive and used to achieve amazing results in the workplace, in their own bodies (body builders), in improving their knowledge (doctors/professors), in building a strong family and financial stability. In fact everyone is making chooses on a day to day basis with the hopes of achieving small goals which can lead to long term goals. The problem lies with those who fail, or quit due to unforeseen problems. Often it is easy to quit or concede to the difficulty of life and get distracted by other stimuli. Many of us have impairments which make it difficult to achieve these long term goals, impairments such as financial struggles which force us to go to work continuously, emotional struggles, physical struggles, practically any type of struggle which makes it nearly impossible for a person to reach their desired plateau (i swear i can never spell that word!). I just want to recondition the way my mind thinks, and change my behavior. Maybe i need to do some research and get some books on the subject. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 It turns out i was right about the video. The most fascinating stuff has been happening to me over the past few days. Somehow i am regulating my own sleep patterns now, also i have managed to dig up some old e-computer books and lately i am thinking of getting my own e-book to read them. Also, i have noticed that my main problem before was believing in myself, but after watching the video i am making my thoughts and dreams become a reality. I watched this movie the other night called sneakers. This one phrase really got me going, the quote was this, "Reality isn't based on ongoing events, facts and activities rather reality is created based on people's perception of reality." The crazy thing, is that i have never realized how true this was all along and more and more i am witnessing the truth of this statement everyday. For example when you wake up first thing in the morning, if you believe you are awake then you will stay awake and be excited about your day, if you believe you are still asleep and waking up from a good dream, you will fall back asleep instantly. I can't remember the amount of times i knew i needed to wake up and dreamed that i had woken up only to realize it was a dream and that i had actually been sleeping thee entire time. Well maybe, this was a bad example but a good one would be athletes, winners especially. Sports, is based on physical abilities, strategies and skill. One very important 'x' factor here is the desire and belief in one's abilities. This is called the mental aspect of sports, anyone who has ever played competitive sports knows that the mental aspect of achieving victory is as real as the reality of the game itself. Anyone who has ever played a sport knows that you have to visualize yourself moving a ball through a field, in a basket, on a wall, into a goal, once a person starts having doubts about their abilities to achieve that goal the defense whose will is equal if not stronger can sense those weaknesses and take advantage. In a sense the sport is being played on people's confidence in their own skills, and when something called an upset happens well it can usually come down to the better player just doubting his or her ability at the time. You see humans, unlike computers are subject to change based on their perceptions and emotions. Computers are based entirely on how they are programmed, no matter how many random generators you program into a computer the results will only allow the possibilities which have been pre-programmed. So we can take this principle and apply it to not only sports but also to our dating lives, to losing weight, to getting that promotion at work, to buying that house. It's called the process of belief. In fact, humans have been believing for thousands of years, some believe in stories such as books written like the Koran, the new Testament, the Torah, getting away from theology some humans believe in scholastic ideas, such as math and sciences, others believe in philosophy and have an entirely different perception of the world then of the average man with ideas about reincarnation, multiple gods, so on and so forth. How is it possible for all these ideas and beliefs to co-exist? Some would say its not possible, with some believing that their ideas are the correct ones, look at the Spanish Inquisition, the Crusades, the Cold War, the third Reich. People can and will believe almost anything which their minds allow them to perceive as real and no belief is any more wrong or right then the next, just all beliefs are subjective and must apply to the laws of nature. Personally, i don't know why we were created or put on this earth and i don't have any believes on the subject, i choose to exist in order to achieve what my mind would perceive as happiness. Hell, if i thought that happiness was living underneath a bridge for 70 years, eating garbage and smelling of filth all day, i might just do that. If i believed that i had to kill virgins and drink their blood i might do that as well if i needed it to survive or feel happy. Once again, the idea is not about worrying whether a belief is right or wrong, the process of belief is in the conviction of the belief and applying the principles in order to make that belief become a reality. There are some things i have seen on youtube which make me question my own sense of being and self worth. I have seen some videos where a man is able to throw a ball thousands of feet away into a hoop no bigger than 3 inches than the ball itself . This might not be the best example of showing what people would call a miracle, or doing the impossible but it is an example non the less, of an ordinary person completing an extraordinary task. Anyways, the purpose of me writing this entry is not to say that i want to motivate people like some type of televangelist or Richard Simons, but to show myself of what i can accomplish if i start taking my life into my own hands and not leaving it up to fate. Lately, i have been becoming more and more complacent about my everyday activities, i need to start becoming more pro-active and i need to start believing in myself again Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 Update, well i don't want to sound discouraging but i have a new formula to add to the equation of belief. Lately, i have noticed that no matter how much one tries to believe that they are in a calm and happy state of mind, well their environment and health well play roles in testing their confidence and mood. For example, the other night i went to the indoor courts waited 3 and a half hours to play 2 games, lose twice then took the train at around 1:17 am, i was still in the city by 2:00 am due to maintenance work and a so train operator, when i got within 6 stops of my destination i was asked to leave the train by an officer because i had my feet on the seat, however he didn't give me a ticket because 5 other people were picked up for the same offense. Not wanting to wait another half an hour for the next train and thanking the office for not giving me a ticket at 2:27 am on an empty train for having my feet on the seat i decided to ride the bike home in 27 degree weather nearly 50 blocks. Morale of the story, i could not simply believe that i was happy or maintain any type of happy mood towards the end of the night, my environment and lack of food intake were factors i never considered. To make matters worse, i bought some food and 2 beers and drank them going to bed at around 4 in the morning. The next day i had the option of waking up at around 10 am but was so tired and moody that i decided to sleep in only to wake up at 2 pm and then i slept through most of the day, so i am back where i started, watching youtube, wacking off, drinking beer, feeling depressed about myself. Ultimately this all boils down to not having a job which could keep me occupied and talking to people during the day. Walking around town looking to buy headphones i noticed how many young ladies were getting dressed up and taking pride in their low wage hourly jobs. They had more sense of accomplishment then i did, for some reason they were happy to be needed and employed, i visualized myself in their position and seemed to think i would be depressed, bored and feeling that the position was beneath me. Maybe that's why they have jobs and i don't. I know i am going back and forth with my mood swings, and that i have to play more of an active role in planning my day; i start to realize that self affirmation isn't the key to feeling happy or quitting something so addictive, the problem lies at the question. The question is why do i play video games and spend time at the computer? The answer is because i have nothing better to do with my time. Maybe if i changed the question the answer would be different. What could i be doing constructively while taking time off from work? Alas, that isn't a question i am ready to ask myself. I don't know why, maybe that is a question for a person who is more mature, more developed, more emotionally sound. The process of belief states that i can simply will myself to be all those things and more, but emotionally psychology my mind would be in a constant state of unrest and turmoil forcing myself to do something which is against my nature of being lazy. Maybe in the beginning it will be hard; maybe if i keep asking myself that second question about how to use my time more constructively, well maybe in time i will find the answer to my dreams. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 I have reached a break through in understanding my mind and my patterns of behavior. Lately i have been watching more videos, constructive ones to help me grasp the concepts which have had such a radical effect throughout my existence. One video is short the link is here: , basically the video explains the difference between the subconscious and the conscious mind, how one is more powerful than the other and how differently the operator. No matter how much control i exercise over the conscious my mind, the subconscious part of my mind (which is suppose to be like many times more powerful) will ultimately have more of a say in what i do inevitably. The subconscious is like the fear which drives a person, consciously we may try to make attempts to over a fear we have, but the subconscious mind is so powerful that without the help of others or outside influence we may never overcome these fears. Maybe one of my fears is being successful in life, my subconscious mind is always stopping this from happening. In the video the author (or should i say director/maker) is explaining how the subconscious mind operates on imagines and emotions. I can see how this is true because many times i have seen an image which has changed my perception of how i viewed the day, or my perception on a certain topic. You could say an omen is an example of the subconscious mind at work. Some people psychics in particular, which try to channel the energy from their subconscious mind in order to see things which they have no knowledge about. I am not saying i believe in psychics, but i am simply explaining the concept. Now, that i know this my first thought was to put up pretty pictures of words in my room with the hopes of inspiring change in my patterns of thought. I feel like even thought i have no idea where to start, well maybe some ideas come to mind i know that keeping a journal was one idea which i decided to follow through with. My next steps will be able reading books, watching videos and learning more and more about the subconscious in order to change my life for the better. It starts to make sense the video and everything in it, i know i have had a hard life but i never knew that my experiences would be shaping my mind for years and years to come. Ultimately my memories and emotions gathered up over the years are my worst enemy, the only way for me to change those images and emotions would be to start feeling new ones. However, that is a lot easier said then done. For a person who is lonely and broods all the time, asking them to be social and carefree overnight or even over the coming weeks would be nearly impossible for them to accomplish on their own. Remember the subconscious mind is like a tape player so i have 27 years of brooding and being lonely, while the social aspect of my life is maybe only 15 - 20 percent. So trying to forget 18 - 20 years of brooding is like trying to fill a tank of oil with water (the oil being past emotions, the water being new ones). Alas, my interview is today, i feel nervous. i have 40 minutes to get ready and hop on the train, also the unemployment agency has called me probably to check up on my progress i am nervous about that too, man i could be looking to get back into bike messaging if i fail with this unemployment questioner, also i haven't even applied for a single job yet, what to do, what to do? Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 5, 2013 Author Share Posted January 5, 2013 Crazy day today, i had this interview at around 4 pm today but i was like procrastinating as usual in my house watching star-craft videos and the like. Finally at around 3:30pm i decided to leave my house, giving me only half an hour to make it from my house 60-70 blocks from bridge to 50 something street. You are talking about 5 - 6 miles on a bike through rush hour traffic over bridges and pot holes in just about half an hour. Needless to say i didn't make it in time, also making a turn to go up into the Manhattan bridge my bike skid out from under me, either it was ice or smooth pavement (probably both) i found out very quickly how soft flesh is and how hard concrete is as i tried to pick up my bike and limp towards the sidewalk. It has been a very long time since i have crashed or fell down on my bike and hitting the floor at 20 miles per hour off a height of 4 feet was not something that i was prepared to do. As i was going up the bridge, i pulled down my sleeves from my hoody, which is now ripped to find a gash 3 inches long bloody. Not to mention my hip was killing me as well, lets just say i was in pain for the remember of the ride. Finally, i get there and it seems like a really nice play. Everyone is friendly and this one intern sits me down and has me take a series of 5 tests. Boy were those tests ever so hard and i failed every single one of them. I think the highest i got was a 45 out of a 100. I was so embarrassed after getting a 16 on one of the tests that i was about to just leave and never come back. Thankfully or should i say stupidly i decided to stay and let fate deal my hand. There was another guy testing with me but he finished and seemed to be waiting for hours for the main dude to come so he could be interviewed. Boy, did this guy rip him a new ******* and he did better than me on the tests. After reviewing the portfolio and realizing the kid didn't come prepared with the right paper work, he just sent him out of the door. Okay, so i was nervous. Finally my turn. They guy looks at the scores and explains to me how i destroyed the test (meaning literally), then he sends me to get interviewed with the guy who created the test (great!). Its some short chubby Asian dude who looks like he needs to spend some time in the sun, he basically just asks me question after question of information which i don't have the answers to. Many of the questions are like hard ones which nobody who has ever interviewed has asked, and i answer about half of them correctly. Then back to the main guy, this dude is like handling several different things at once, and after waiting for 20 minutes and listening to him say, "We haven't fed you to the wolves yet." 3 times. Well basically, he explains that i am going to be miserable and reading all day long, then he explains the hours 12 - 8 pm? That is a lot of hours for an internship and not even convenient. At this point i have already put up with so much bull**** and feeling like this is such a hard place to get into that i say yes, and now i have a 3 month internship at this place full of nerdy kids who talk about junk food and being virgins and curse like little 3rd graders. It's weird, i think to myself wow am i ready for this type of environment, have i died and gone to nerd heaven? As i am getting on the train to make my way home, i remember the unemployment guy called me and left a message saying to return his call by Monday otherwise well, you know. But i am so excited about this new opportunity that non of it really matters. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 Update, i feel depressed today. I start my new classes this semester, my last grades were a A and a B hopefully that will boost my GPA a little past the 3.33 it is now. I realize i should be doing better then that, however i find it hard to apply myself. I feel the coming weeks are going to be very hard, and very long. I am worried but excited. My class starts at 2pm and its 12:36 now so i don't have much time to write. Lately i haven't been writing because i haven't been as anxious as i used to be, in fact i have become complacent and have stopped working out as much as well. Welcome to the story of my life, if i had to choose one of the seven deadly sins which best describe me, well it would be sloth. Over the past weekend i went to my step dad's robotics club where he works with high school kids to build robots. It was an interesting experience seeing kids how they behaved at such a young age (14 - 16). Sometimes, i feel like i am still that age and more and more i realize that my attention problems are not so serious when i see these kids. I feel like labels, especially pharmaceutical ones such as A.D.D., Schizophrenia, and Bi-Polar disorder are about as powerful as a persons belief in them. I know this 'B' word belief has become a reoccurring theme in my entries lately. It is such that i need hope however superficial it is, even if that hope is created out of the depths of my mind and there is nothing tangible to keep it alive. There are places i go to within my state of being (my moods) that oftentimes, finding the roads back to where i used to belong, well they don't exist. One of these places right now is called inability to achieve normal things due to lack of self disciple. This is also a reoccurring theme, if you look at the first entry you will see this and see how it repeats over and over again. Over the weekend besides going to the robotics club, i went to see my brothers (both younger), well i was tired from having not slept much, to make matters worse i ended up doing very badly in the game of monopoly. We had a really big fight over it, my brothers knowing how i am a really sore winner, have always found ways to team up against me, in order to defeat me. It's like neither one cares about their fate in the game as much as seeing me defeated. They were constantly landing on properties which i needed in order to complete a set to buy houses and refusing to trade with me. Meanwhile, they are trading with each other the entire time and getting their own sets. Eventually i got frustrated after landing on one of my brothers rail roads (he owned all four) and paying close to a thousand monopoly dollars in a matter of 6 - 8 turns. How, the fvck am i suppose to keep playing a game i can't win, plus i am tired. The older brother was so angry we got into this big argument about it and ended up wrestling in the living room breaking the box to the game. He is only 19 i think, but he is taller than me 6'1 and also he weighs 190 pounds to my 175 so i have to really try to best him in any competition of physical feats. On the plus side i beat him soundly in handball best out of 3 games winning all three. I had to keep reminding him of my victory so he would know his place. From monopoly we decided to play cards, first Chinese poker which both brothers are very good at always beating me; then my younger brother wanted to play a game he isn't so good at called rummy 500. Well i am better than both of them, eventually all the cards were drawn with the exception of 9, once again the older brother is getting sore, knowing i have the advantage being forced to throw down cards i needed to create points and he cheats, attempting to pick up another card while we were distracted. Upon catching him he denies that he ever took a card and with so many minutes having past and the intensity of the game climaxing it is hard to tell whether he has or not, but i refuse to let him take another, knowing his hand was limited to one card and he would now have 3 in its place, 2 if he dropped one. He also denies that he had one card, claiming he had two, knowing his history with cheating i called him out and he decided to quit, claiming that i quit earlier so it is only fair, denying me of a victory leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Dam, it is already 1 o'clock, i find myself constantly checking face book seeking some form of female attention, hopefully there are females in my class today, knowing it is a database class i doubt it. I can only imagine that i will be reading countless words of non-fiction text over the coming weeks and expected to relay that information back. How will i be able to do it with such low spirits. Also i have been watching Spartacus, season 1 was crazy. I know i am jumping around again, but its hard to get so much information in such a short span of time, its a already 1 o'clock boy i write slowly. Composing all these thoughts gives me some sort of satisfaction however minor, maybe i need to stop staying up till 4 in the morning on the computer. More and more, i have be getting little or no sleep. I go to bed late and force myself to wake up early. My room isn't that dirty yet but it is getting there as dishes are piling up on my desk already. I wish i had a female friend, i wish had S in my life again, maybe i just need to call her. I couldn't care about sex much at this point, i just want someone to talk to, just someone to hug me every now and then maybe a kiss on the cheek, i feel like i am some sort of machine which needs love in order to function. It's like lately i have been working at less than 40 percent due to the lack of female attention in my life. Watching Spartacus only makes me want the attention of females even more, also it makes me want to work out more. Well i have to go, i need to keep writing and working out, lately i feel like i want more results faster but i fail to put in the necessary time. This guy told me the other day, "What you put into it, is what you get out of it." Well i need to start putting in more to get what i want, i guess i just need the inspiration. There is this one girl at my internship who i have been thinking about lately, i doubt anything will happen because she is a nerd and a virgin to boot, but maybe she can provide me with the type of friendship which i desire. Hopefully the other nerds won't get jealous and give me problems, this is usually what happens when there is one single female in a room full of depraved nerds, they are all fighting for her attention like vultures over a rotting corpse. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Share Posted January 8, 2013 The night is as follows. My mom arguing with her husband over and over for the past 8 months now, its getting unbearable. I need to leave this house i can't fvcking take it anymore. I knew something would happen to upset my mood. Funny how not less then 3 days ago i was feeling like an explorer on a journey with the brightest spirits. Now, reduced to playing star craft at 2:36 in the morning. I now know what i do, and why i do it. I do it because i am angry and want relief from the pain from the stress. I am escaping reality by toying away some computer fantasy. I find myself clicking and pushing buttons watching images long after i had forgotten the purpose of my use on the computer. I find myself on this machine for more then 4 hours at a time constantly shifting from anxiety to boredom to anxiety and back to boredom again, i find myself wasting my life away on this machine not knowing anything better to do with it. I find myself wanting social interaction and spending more time isolating myself from others on this machine. I find myself wanting sex from a female and only spending time sitting on a chair on this machine, not outside where the girls are. i find myself feeling lost and getting even more lost inside the web looking for greater meaning where it cannot be found in the world of 1's and 0's. i find myself hating who i become and even more addicted to this machine than i have been to other substances more potent. i find myself turning 27 single, living in my mothers house without a job, or a girlfriend, looking at my past like it was only yesterday when i started playing diablo wondering where the past 8 years have gone. i find myself beneath the societies standards and getting lower every single day. i find myself lonely and sad and wanting to escape these feelings which haunt my darkest hours. i find myself wondering how i came to this place and time, questioning my intentions in life and wondering where my sanity has gone off to. i find myself writing this phrase over and over again because reason has failed me. i find myself wondering what i will do if i cannot go to bed the moment i stop typing on this keyboard. i find myself thinking of who i used to be and who i have become and wondering if i have ever changed or rather if i have been acting like a better man this entire time. i find myself not being true to character. i find myself lost in a moment and finally i am out of it and happy that it leaves me so that i can go on to a night that will not stand for anymore insanity. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 I am really tired right now. I started the internship yesterday working alongside another 'Netadmin intern', we have been working like 8 hours a day with little or not breaks. It turns out that the internship did have an option for networking and it support instead of just web design (althou i wanted to do programming). I was really excited about that, the hard thing is that i have to read this 400 page book in only three days. Lately, i have been so busy that i haven't had time to dilly dally on the computer at all, and after having a conversation with my unemployment rep it turns out everything is okay. He had to ask me some questions about my claim and my case. I think i explained that already in another entry i am not sure, the truth is i have been exhausted these past few days doing nothing but working, and then coming home to read. Not only am i an emotional roller-coaster as you can see based on my entries as of late, but i feel like there are new concerns for me to deal with. I find the reading to be very exciting and i am realizing now how far behind the learning curve i have been all this time. While, i have been like playing computer games, and playing handball, people in pursing a similar career have been busting their ass reading and studying; relatively speaking there are a lot of people who are academically smarter than me, but they still lack some of the inherit traits i possess. Socially speaking, some of the people are idiots and when it comes to work ethic, well they are lazy and inefficient. It's funny how you can deal with people who are smarter then you cause they try hard, spend 3 weeks doing their job and realize how easy it is all along. Right now, i am working with this intern he's a guy and honestly i think he's gay althou he brags about having a girlfriend. I don't know why so many people in the gay community do this sort of thing, they are so closeted about their life style they will talk about their SO by changing their SO's sex. It's either he is gay and lying about him having a girlfriend (which is actually a boyfriend) or people from the state of New Jersey act the way a typical homosexual man does in New York. Here are some of the things i noticed, slightly high pitch voice, doesn't like getting dirty or doing hard work, complains 'a lot' like a primadonna, tries to constantly one up you intellectually when you know that they are clearly talking out of their ass and then act as if it was a harmless mistake afterwards, taking little or no responsibility for their behavior. Basically, the dude goes to Rutgers college, i go to a technical School specializing in computer technology, he has no certifications --> i have an A+ certification, he is a waiter --> i have more than 6 months experience working with computers/networking, the Netadmin who interviewed him said that he didn't think he was ready for the internship (he admitted to me that the guy told him this to his face). Basically it's hard to work with him because his ego is so important to him that you can't explain anything without the kid taking insult and oftentimes i feel like i am working around a baby. I understand like he was there first and stuff but he has no idea what he's doing, he takes like really long to complete simple tasks and even after he is shown how to do something correctly he still makes mistakes or forgets how to do something. I don't think he will last long, apparently he doesn't even like to read and is falling behind on his reading as well. The other day our boss chewed him out for not knowing how to add an email account to an interns iphone, or add a signature to their email account (even thou the netAdmin showed him how to do both these things), instead of letting bygones be bygones and handling it like a man, well he goes out to a bar that night and comes to work *****y. After 2 - 3 hours he calms down, but the way he goes about doing things is like fly by the seat of his pants. I honestly think they brought me on because this kid was messing up bad, anyways we will see how things go. I have a lot of reading to do and i haven't even gotten around to completing my college assignments. Man, i am tired right now, i don't even feel like reading. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 3 days to organize a closet which would have been accomplished much faster if E (the other intern) just did it right the first time. I found out the name of his supposed gf, "GABE" who called him at work today. Anyways, there is this social media intern called T, well she is not really that hot but she has a nice little body and a mysterious accent. I can't tell if she is Turkish or Indian, honestly its a big mystery to me which makes me want her all the more. My boss caught me flirting with her today, then he goes on this 30 minute speal about how interns are not allowed to date each other because of the awkwardness it would create, and how he notices everything that goes on (it is a small office) and how over the summer two interns had sex on an empty couch in another office. Geez, this guy is a hard ass, no wonder he hired that other guy, figures he won't be chasing around any of the hot female interns like i would. Honestly i couldn't give two ****s thou. If the months in which i have gotten laid exceed the amount of fingers one of my hands, i start to care very little about the consequences of my actions. Attending this internship has been a huge confidence booster. Lately, i have been worrying less about other people and other problems and i have been worrying more about school or the internship. It's like my mind is focused on a goal and is working everyday to accomplish tasks relevant to that specific goal. Somehow online stuff is just not important to me anymore. It's weird how quickly things shift like that. Anyways, this T girl is hot and there are a couple of other hotties too, i wouldn't say that they are hot but basically they are do able. Like for me right now every girl is bumped up a number or two, girls who i might have not even considered like 2 months ago are considered for mating rituals, so typically i wouldn't stick my member in anything which i would consider to be less than a 4. But a girl who i would have considered a 3 two months ago is now considered to be like a 4. T well, i will give her like a 6.5 right now maybe 7, chances are after i have slept with her and talked to her a little bit more the mystery will be gone and she will go down to like a 4.5 or a 4. I wonder what i would have given my ex's: the redhead would be like a 6.5, 'S' would be like a 7.75 maybe 8 if she wasn't crazy, 'M' the long time relationship girl, well it doesn't matter what number i give her because she beyond the rating system. Me and her we just have so much history and connection together that i wouldn't really lower her to my rating standards. It's something called respect, ladies if i guy ever gives you a number based on looks or personality on a scale of 1 - 10, he is basically objectifying you. Like i wouldn't give my parents or pets a number based on their value or worth to me because they are something which cannot be numbered. It's like a slave or something you can say that one slave works harder or looks better than another because people consider them to be property but your own child, well you could never give that person a number because they are beyond a rating system. Anyways, i don't know why i just did that whole thing with numbers and 'M'. I have to read a lot tonight, i don't really feel like it thou, i am only on page like 70 out of 400 and the book is due back tomorrow, this sucks. Oh, i forgot to mention i just got 1 thousand views! I am so excited about that, thanks for reading guys. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 Man, i got chewed out today. I don't really want to talk about it much, but when someone gets an error message saying this cd key cannot be verified and ask you to fix it, but doesn't know where the cd key, or the discs are. Well, what the fvck can you do, basically nothing and they can keep calling you an idiot and embarrassing you in front of the entire staff but regardless of what they do, its not your fault and you can only explain that you are doing your best. I troubleshooted the version he had on there like 3 times which was a lengthy process, including talking to tech support (his tech support which could not provide him with the cd key either, i don't know why this is?). All i can say is that i am an intern not some monkey to be yelled at. If it keeps happening, well i will just leave. Anyways, i don't care i really want to spell this girl's name out because she has been on my mind a lot lately. Let's just say that T, gave me a really big smile when i came in to work today. We have these subtle glances where we exchange thoughts every now and then. I know it seems like i am pinning a little bit, but i couldn't care. Anything to keep my mind off of the reality of being in that god forsaken office is good. There is something about T which is so fascinating, the way her face is structured, like her nose kind of juts out and her hair is fuzzy like steel wool, her skin is soft like rocks beaten by water and the color is that of sand. The way she applies makeup so that it makes her cheek seem rosy yet blends in naturally to seem as if none was applied, the way she wears these weird boots with spikes in them and shorts with nylon leggings which is really cool. Maybe she is like that country which is close to the Isreal, Palestinian, i dated a girl once who was Jewish; well T reminds me of her. She was my first love (the Jewish girl), maybe i know this in my heart of hearts. On a side note, i haven't gotten approval from the school yet about this internship so i feel more and more weird about the entire situation. Everything seems like its up in the air and i am constantly juggling so many different tasks that i never really know what i am holding at any one moment in time. It feels like having everything yet nothing at the same time, because the promise of everything is apparent but the reality of it being taken away is just as apparent as the hope which has been fueling my endeavors. Maybe i am talking in tongues, i feel as thou if i go back and read this non of it will make sense. I want T so bad, i fear that she is an international student but non the less i need to find out more about her. It's been so long since i have felt this strongly about anyone. Maybe it is impossible for nothing to happen at this point because once i put my mind to something, well i usually end up getting it. Next time i see T i will probably sneak up behind her and give her an unexpected hug. I have this way of sliding my hands in places where ladies least expect to them end up. The weird part is that as intrusive as it seems, i know that regardless of how defensive many of them act at first if at all, they start to become attached to my affections. The human brain releases chemicals which stimulate the brain based on touch, and 9 times out of 10, a women will think of you more as you start to get familiar with her, well psychically familiar. The only time this doesn't work, is when the women is not attracted to you at all, there are ways to tell if she is attracted and ways to tell if she is not attracted. The thing is i know T is attracted because i am very good at reading body language. Arms crossed, legs cross, posture facing away, lack of eye contact, refusal to acknowledge your presence, refusal to dress up, refusal to hold gas or burp in your presence. Well basically these are all clear signs that the female is simply not interested. Signs that she is interested, glances your way from time to time, smiles, winks an eye or bats an eyebrow, wears tight fitting clothes, make up, dresses up (don't get me wrong ladies do dress to look good, but they also dress to impress or get attention as well), willingness to exchange small pleasantries, etc. You see most guys know that girls like them, or at least are aware that a female is friendly with them but they are just too inexperienced or scared to progress things to the next level and its true the whole thing is kind of scary. I am not going to say that i am a master or anything because i have slept with more than 5 ladies in my time not that numbers are even relevant, but in terms of getting the know said girl, getting said girls number, taking said girl out on date, getting intimate with said girl. Well i have practiced these things before so it is slightly easier for me to repeat the process again and again if said girl is willing. Many times said girl is willing, but i choose not to do all that because it usually doesn't benefit me to invest all that time, money and energy to attempt to date said girl. I mean when i was younger it didn't matter, but after seeing how crazy some females are, well you get cautious; yes some girls ruin it for the rest. Anyways, i bet there are a million spelling and grammatical errors but i couldn't care to check them so i will head off to sleep now. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Regression, somehow i am getting the internship paper work processed, i got my benefits claim being dealt with, so basically everything is going. The problem, i am depressed and as a result of having little or no time to myself i find myself playing starcraft, and back at my old computer habits. The main difference is that the time i spend doing this stuff is not nearly as long as it used to be because i don't have that much of it available. However, it is becoming a problem because when i should be studying, keeping up with my school work and reading books for my internship, well i am falling behind in every aspect. My room is a mess, i lost 5 pounds, i am back to sucking at handball which i can no longer play as often anymore, i have no time to work out and i find myself horny and more desperate then ever. Stress has a weird way of making me horny. There is this is women in her late 30's who is always liking my status on facebook, my father once told me that she likes me. I don't know why i think about this stuff but the truth is that the other day after her liking my status again i almost messaged her. She is Dominican like me and i always had a crush on her, i just never did anything about it because of all the weird family ties she has with my family, also the fact that she has 2 kids which i know well and it would be embarrassing if anyone ever found out. I don't know how i could face her kids and them know that i am banging their mom. Why is it that women of that age are so aggressive, she knows i am like 10 - 15 years younger then her but i guess women have needs. I wonder if other people have been in similar situations, besides i couldn't see it working out long term because i would she her more as a mother figure and eventually she would just bore me being that we wouldn't have that much in common intellectually or like what would we talk about. Besides she speaks mainly Spanish and my Spanish is horrible. She does have those big hips and long hair and i really do love that. Lately, i find myself more and more attracted to Dominican women or women of a darker skin complexion. I think your tastes change when you are under stress and i feel as thou someone from my culture would be able to raise my children more sufficiently or take care of my needs more so then a women of a different background. Maybe, it comes down to trust, like would you trust someone who is not ethically the same as you when it came to matters of the heart and family. My sister found herself with a Puerto Rican man, maybe she thought the same things as me about other races like white and black. In the past she has dated white/black men before as i have dated white/black/Asian women, however it never worked in the end, looking at my family it is like no one has strayed from dating people who weren't latin; what is the mystery to this, even my mom who eventually ended up marrying a white man had 2 children with a man from her country. Maybe its the fear of getting old and growing alone and worrying if other races can be as compassionate as your own for you and your family. This entry is so racist i think. I don't know why i am being so judgmental lately, i honestly don't even like Dominican women that much because my mother has ruined it for me. Anyways, i have to go to class now. Strangely, i have touched on a new thought here today, under stress i want Dominican women in their late 30's with big hips and long hair i wonder what my taste will be like when i am not stressed. Probably some 2 face red head girl like 'N', or some white girl like 'S', someone who i know isn't capable of being trusted. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who constantly gets you worked up over nothing? My guess is no. My mom well, i have said this before and i will repeat it again, she is crazy. Not, like crazy fun, more like crazy like a person who throws turtle tanks, breaks dishes, curses people out and then expects to continue living like they have done nothing and accept no responsibility for their behavior. I am so tired of dealing with her, everyday its a battle. Can you imagine living with someone who has physiological problems? Its similar to living with an alcoholic, a drug addict or a person with anger problems, its like being codependent on them and dealing with their problems every waking moment. Every fight they get into, every time something goes wrong and you have to be there to fix it, everytime they are late and forget something and take their stress out on you. This house i live in, its never quiet, there is always a fight going on, you can imagine the source of these constant fights. You can imagine who is always instigating and manipulating others. Can you imagine having someone stick a dagger in your heart and waking up to deal with them to trust them to have them betray you again and again. That is my life. I would tell you what happened to get me this worked up but honestly it is so inconsequential that talking about it now only justifies the meaningless of it all. The sad part about this twisted life is the approval seeking, and the moods that you go through from time to time, thinking that things are getting better everyday. One step forward two steps back. It's like living with a drunk who sobers up for a week and getting excited to see him one day lose his job, in a wreck drunk and pissed on himself. My mom isn't a drunk or a drug addict, what is she is uncaring. She is the type of person who doesn't care about anyone but herself. She literally wakes up everyday thinking about how to make herself happy. If she does anything nice, its because she enjoys the reaction and power she gains over people. I think my childhood consisted of getting presents in order for them to be removed as a form of punishment, by the time i hit my teens i had been punished, grounded, put on time out, silent treatment so many times over so many occasions, over so many minor offensives that i just stop caring about having rights or privileges. I just did what i wanted regardless of approval or anything because it made no difference whether i did good or bad, the end result would be me being punished because someone was having a crabby day and seeing others being miserable made them feel better about themselves. I think i remember drinking wine coolers which i had paid someone to get for me in the 7th grade and then later i took up smoking. I remember thinking what's the point of succeeding in life when someone is constantly putting you down every step of the way, calling you worthless, calling you stupid, and lazy. Imagine being born into a world of hatred. Imagine a women who had a relationship with a man who cheated on her and hit her and inspite of trying to move on with her life she was left with a boy and a girl who reminded her of that relationship with the man every single day. Imagine a women who say you turning into that man who betrayed her so many years ago and hating you everyday for being a byproduct of him. Imagine hating your father because this women did everything she could in her power to spread lies in order to gain your favor. Well, these are just some of the basic stuff. It just never ends, by the time i hit 28 i will leave this house again. I left when i was 17 and ended up coming back at 22. I didn't last too long in the real world, but since the age of 22 i have been to college held down a few jobs, got certifications from vocational school, learned a trade (computers) and even managed to date a few women. In just 4 years i turned my life around from being a homeless crackhead, living on welfare and going in and out of central bookings 8 times in a span of 3 months. I remember back then, not caring about whether i lived or died. I am not sure if i care about that stuff, i just know that i have more reason to wake up tomorrow then i did back then. I am going to try to read 300 pages now, wish me luck, i was just writing a little to cool off but i am still a little upset. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 16, 2013 Author Share Posted January 16, 2013 I figured it out. Finally the mystery behind decision making. Its called motivation. We make decisions based on what motivates us. When i work out its because i am motivated to get stronger and show up my brother, and beat people in handball. When i jack off its because i am motivated to release stress and i am also horny so that is motivation enough. When i play video games i am motivated to be challenged mentally, when i watch videos i am motivated to learn. I just need to find what motivates me to read. Lately, i have been finding that motivation. I am motivated to be smarter then people in my office who are always acting like little smarty pants and that pisses me off. From now on, i am going to think about the motivating factor before i make a decision because many times i choose not to do thing due to the lack of motivation. But if i can establish a motivation then i can do said task. Let's see how long this lasts for Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 Lately, everything has been all blah blah. You know when you take a risk and it pays off but then you realize your in over your head, well that's what i feel like right now. This whole situation has gone from bad to worst really fast. Basically everything was going good but i knew i had to read this book, so i didn't really feel like reading it but i decided i read what i needed from it then the guy (the head of the company wants to give me a hard time about it by asking me random questions out of the book), i told answered him to the best of my ability but he is being a ****. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 I've been drinking and now all i feel like doing is playing starcraft but i haven't done any homework and its all due in 2 hours. Thanks life for letting me down once again. I really need to get laid, i think i remember writing earlier how hard these coming weeks were going to be, its only now that i realize how easy i have had it these past 2 months. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 So, if you read my prior entries you would learn that there was a 400 page book i was suppose to read in 3 days. Well it was 2 weeks and i failed an oral exam on it twice, needless the say the guy was a really tough tester and it would have been impossible for me to memorize 200 different "Microsoft Best Practices". Not to mention, what kind of person does that on an internship? The reality was that i wasn't a networking guy, i thought i could dabble in another field of computer science but there is just too much information to understand. The main thing i learned (it cost me basically a thousand dollars to learn this lesson, because i had to register for college credits for this internship) looking back, i felt as though i was making all the right moves by being brave and taking chances, getting out of the house breaking my cycle of drudgery. Yet, in all reality i was desperate to take any opportunist even a bad one, i took the risks and in the end i still learned a lot from my experience. So, you guys are going to wonder what exactly i learned? People are incompetent. That is the reality of the situation, i saw countless people apply for internships and jobs, the COO of the company screens them by having them take tests of the position they are applying for. Sometimes the really smart ones want nothing to do with his company because they realize they are above it, sometimes people do horribly on the test and on the interview and get laughed out of the office, occasionally there is someone who is over qualified for the position (meaning they have a masters degree) and they accept the low paying job relative to their level of education, rarely do you see people who are not that well educated by try really hard and excel where other better trained individuals have failed. Now, the question is how is it that so many of the people applying for these jobs with college educations are failing his tests and do not know the information? College's suck, that's the answer, Americans are paying all this money to get a less then great education anyone who is going to college and isn't spending more than 5 to 6 hours a week to get straight A's on their classes is probably getting a bad experience and learning nothing at school. The reality is that you have to try and study information which employers are looking for, in my situation such as programming: well, i just need to get programming books, and programming applications and study and test them out. Something i have been saying a lot lately and not doing anything about. Instead i have been watch youtube and playing handball, i mean this stuff isn't easy it requires a lot of self discipline, one thing i did learn though was while interning i felt motivated to learn because i had purpose. I started reading this book called, "How to win friends, and influence people". It's a really well written book, i am also reading this other book about how to speed read in order to improve my rate of reading. My main problem is reading comprehension, i have this habit of reading words and not understanding the concepts as quickly as most people. The only way to explain it is like looking at a picture and instead of seeing an image, you just see a bunch of lines and colors. Like the words, i can understand their meanings but when the author strings them together and throws in a harder word, well then i can't understand why he choose to use those words, like what is the sentence trying to express. Ever trying reading some of Shakespeare's plays without the quick notes? That's what it was like for me to read a 400 page book on Small Business Server. Anyways, i am behind a week on 1 class and on the other class i need to do this weeks worth of work. Oh, by the way after failing the second oral exam he offered to have me read another book, computer repair for dummy's, basically i got frustrated with the whole situation and the time i was investing and realizing that this wasn't going to go anyway, also i didn't need the class credits and was taking them for the purposes of the internship. I haven't even bothered to tell my mom about the situation because i know she is going to give me a hard time about everything. I just can't deal with her bull**** anymore. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 Oh i remember one of the questions asked of me during the oral exam on the book, "What is an offline folder cache?" Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Latest update. I have been working out a little but not as much as before since i stopped the internship and i also ordered two books on C++ programming. Also i have been checking websites about jobs which require programers and now i have my purpose in life. I think i have always wanted to program, but in the past i just didn't feel passionate enough programming and was quickly overwhelmed with the content which was required in order to program. Something about taking this internship and seeing how hard it was for everyone to learn or for anyone to obtain a job which requires more then just manual labor has really inspired me. In the past i would've give up on my hopes and dreams feeling that they were out of my reach, yet lately i am realizing that i have been quitting on myself too much lately and have dedicated more and more time to studying and reading. I haven't told my mom that i quit the internship, because she is like 90% of the population: doesn't care about anyone's needs, wants or heartaches; Basically she just wants me to get a job so i can leave the home regardless of what i am doing, regardless if i am happy or sad at the job, regardless if i do nothing but complain about the job constantly and am being verbally harassed on a day to day basis by my co-workers and supervisors. Also, i started listening to Pandora music station on the web again and it has given me a renewed interest into some of the music i like to listen to: lately there is this band called "Air", i was watching a YouTube video one day which has this really cool soundtrack the artist on the background was "Röyksopp" and listening to them led me to find this other group called "Air". I think the music is more of like easy listening but it is okay because i can't get anxious listening to them or distracted by the lyrics. Reading, "how to win friends, and influence people" has given me some real incite into the human soul and how gentle it can be. Oftentimes i am like my mom in the respect of not caring about other peoples wants, its a hard thing to do: to stop caring about your needs for a minute and to worrying about the needs of someone else. Maybe that's why Jesus was such a highly reclaimed person, he knew the secret to dealing with humans, i myself am not religious and believe that Jesus was an ordinary man, (not the son of (a) God) yet i do agree with many of his teachings and i believe that he existed (there are some people who don't believe he existed). Anyways, back to what i was thinking, learning to sympathize with people is something that i think i am only really learning now, throughout my life i have always sympathized with a few but the reality of trying to sympathize with anyone who wasn't my friend or acquaintance was always far from my reach. In fact for many years i hated others with a passion, what's worst is i hated them for the same reasons which i myself indulged in, it is one of those sick hypocrisies that never occur to the hypocrite. My reason for hating people was their inability to care or sympathize with others, i felt as though it was human nature to be selfish (it is i still believe this), growing up in a Metropolis makes you see people in another light, an uncaring light. Seeing people pushed and stuffed into a train everyday, seeing homeless stinking begging for change everyday, watching the news seeing nothing but crime and violence, growing up there was that "Blood" epidemic where people who were trying to get into the so-called blood gang would slash others in the face for wearing red or for being chosen. I can only imagine what others went through growing up in the projects for an entirety, my mother took us out of the projects at around 7 or 8 to more stable housing. I feel like as a child i witness so much in public schooling that made me change the way i felt about humans and their ability to care for others. You see things like how people act how are act under constant stress, working more then 40 hours a week consistently, being paid a minimum wage in order to support their family. They become numb overtime and the result is something called a "New Yorker". All this time, i am searching for this orange person (the one which stands out above others) and lately i think i have stopped trying. It's like trying to find a rare card out of 10,000, by the time you find it everyone wants to trade you for it or borrow it for their own deck of cards/collection. Lately, i feel like there is no rare card at all, what it is, is simply having to open up the pack to begin with, rather then just discarding the package without having even searched for the card at all. People are like that, they are concealed in a package of ****ty paper waiting for others to unwrap them to show their true potential, however i can't simply spend time, energy and resources in trying to date every women in hoping that she will be the one i have been searching for all this time. I feel like many people are constantly fooling themselves into believing that whoever it is they are dating is their soul-mate, when in reality they are so desperate for this significant other that they have tricked themselves into believing that water can be turned into wine. I believe otherwise, i believe that people are just that. People. They are not special or unique, there are no defining characters about one person which another cannot obtain or be trained to exhibit overtime. Sometimes in a time of need we find someone who for-fills our current desires, but needs change overtime, people do not, or at least the average person doesn't. Link to comment
junebug123 Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Sometimes i reach out to someone and wonder why they don't bother to answer my call to them, overtime i realize that i was at fault for putting myself at their mercy eventually i end up resenting them for them having ignored my pleas, its a vicious cycle. Is it rude to ignore someone? What if someone reached out to you who you had no interest in talking to, a total stranger would they not get the curtsy of a reply even if its a no thank you. I mean its not as if the message was a request for money, in fact i feel as thou people who ignore you are the least sensitive people in the existence of mankind. Those same people will later fret and complain about how others have acted poorly against them yet they never consider how they act towards others. What is it about humans which makes us so complicated to understand. How is it possible to understand something which has no rules no logical other then those which apply to maintaining their existence using the least amount of effort possible. In the past i used to make up excuses for people to rationalize their bad behavior, the reasons for their behavior was obvious to even the slowest witted person yet hard for me to swallow. You call someone, they don't return your call, you text someone they don't return your text, you email someone they don't return your email. Who is at fault? Are you at fault for inconveniencing them or should they be held accountable for ignoring you. You see this is where things become complicated because now we have entered a new realm where there has been a bond formed between two individuals. We can call this the realm of Juan Carlos and the person who is currently ignoring me. Now, my question is this i invited you into this world yet you choose to ignore its existence, ignoring its existence doesn't deny that it is there in fact your memory is a clear indication that the realm does in fact exist so by choosing to have no course with this realm can mean only that you do not want to part take in the adventures of this new world. What is it about this world which is so un-enticing to you, how can someone just write something off which they have never bothered to experience, are they the type of person who is living a miserable existence due to the amount of opportunities which they have turned down? Are most people like this, if so why? I know you are thinking that i must be mad (like not angry but mentally disturbed) for writing so much about someone who refuses to reply to a message, but it isn't just a singular instance it is a lifetime of painful memories which causes me to lash out so violently against the person who chooses not to respond to me. Sometimes i feel like attacking those who ignore me so that they will understand what it is like to be ignored, in fact the physical pain is not enough damage to equate the type of suffering which i underwent, rather i must think of something devious and sinister to make ends equal. I would only be satisfied by knowing the thing they wanted most in the world and then denying them of that pleasure indefinitely, so that they could understand how patient and willing i was to receive the reply to my message. Now i can have no further course with this person who "CHOOSES" to ignore my whims, for they have already tainted whatever relationship we could have had. If only i had the power to see into the future and examine every possibility beforehand so that i could choose who and who not to attempt to message, only then would i be alleviated of the pain and suffering of being ignored. Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.