EQIQ Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I am really worried and stressed about a situation that arose recently in my relationship. Here is the bottom line: I think that it is best for the emotional and psychological health of the child to not leave them to the care of a daycare or nanny, until they are 4-5 years old. And as such view that a parent should be present during the day to take care of the child. I would prefer it to be the mother, because (call me a "macho man" or w/e if you want), because I view that it is mostly the man's responsibility to provide for his home. If the wife can help, that is great, no issues with my future wife working, or even making more money than I do, but I think I would feel less of a man if I felt that I couldn't take care of my family financially. My GF thinks that putting a 2 year old child at a daycare is good for the child. She was brought up this way, and thinks it was good for her, thinks the great majority of the world does things along this line (having someone else other than the parents look after the child when they are young, be it grandparents, or w.e). She would want to return to work full-time and have the kid in daycare full-time. She says she is the type of woman that would not fare psychologically well "trapped" within a home, and that she needs to work. I was brought up completely different. My mother was a stay-at-home mom for most of my life. I went to kindergarten first when I was 4, ended up having a small disagreement with my teacher, and after that event everyday after lunch I used to throw up. I started refusing to eat at school because I knew I was going to throw up. My parents took me out of kindergarten for a year, and when I was 5 I re-entered again, and everything was fine. I was not the type of kid that would cry when taken to school, and actually enjoyed spending time with the kids, learning to read/write, doing art, sports.. etc. But I am glad that my parents saw that I needed more time, and gave it to me. My GF and I don't want to have kids for various reasons, but the way I view it is that if you are having sex, there is a chance of pregnancy. And if that comes to happen I want the mother of my children to be a good mother, I want my kids to love her, and I want the best for the little ones. I have also worked in court before and have seen enough cases of abuse to little ones... and that scares the heck out of me as well..... I am considering a break-up over this... I am not sure what to do... We are great together in the major areas, and I trust her, love her, and she does the same to me. I think sometimes that if there was something majorly wrong with her it would make things easier... but there really ain't... this is a woman that I value... and I am not sure what to do...... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 darling I am with you ...10000000000% I struggled with money when emily was a baby (no money from dad) but I couldn't go to work and leave my baby in the care of someone else ....my baby ,..my love ..my care ....the end . when emily was at school I then went out to work again ...it was hard on my own ...child care/hours etc ...but we all have that to face. I am also quite happy been mum at home and man bring home the buffalo . this is and will always be one of the most controversial subjects I have come accross . Link to comment
Loveandlost Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 well thats stupid. Sry bro as a parent I can tell you hypothetical parenting and real parenting are completely different. Every kid is different, you cant blanket term "emotional and physical development" to every child. Hell I am a single father, my kid has been in day care since age 1, and is top of her class, has a large social group of friends, plays sports, is in Girl Scouts, and is one of the most polite and kind people I have ever known. Really its quality not quantity. The quality of the interactions with the child has more of a impact then the number of hours a specific gendered parent is in the room with the kid. What I find interesting is you both dont even want children and you are considering breaking up over a imaginary child you might have by accident... Use birth control.. or go get snipped if you dont want kids. Plan B for accidental condom slips, and there are always other options.... TBH it sounds like you are just looking for a reason to breakup with her and this is the one you grabbed onto. Let her go, she deserves to be with someone that respects her for the life she wants, and not trying to force her into a life she doesnt. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 the thing is .....she might find that once she has that baby in her arms that she can't leave to go to work anyway . its ok saying all this when you dont have a kid ..believe me most thoughts go out the window when you actually have that little person in your arms . Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Your considering a break-up over an imaginary child/children???? Your pulling the cart before the horse, and should seriously ponder over other issues. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 My GF and I don't want to have kids for various reasons, but the way I view it is that if you are having sex, there is a chance of pregnancy. And if that comes to happen I want the mother of my children to be a good mother, I want my kids to love her, and I want the best for the little ones. I have also worked in court before and have seen enough cases of abuse to little ones... and that scares the heck out of me as well..... just realised you said this bit .... get the snip fella ...if you dont want kids , ever , than why take the chance and split up now over something you dont ever want anyway . Link to comment
EQIQ Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 TBH it sounds like you are just looking for a reason to breakup with her and this is the one you grabbed onto. Let her go, she deserves to be with someone that respects her for the life she wants, and not trying to force her into a life she doesnt. I don't want to break-up. And if I wanted to "force her into a life she doesn't want" I wouldn't talk about this with her before marriage at all. I would just get married, go about our life, and if it did happen, then tell her "I want you to stay home with the kid, or else!". That is trying to force someone. I am discussing this before hand with her because I don't want resentment in marriage. I don't want a kid in the middle of a conflict between parents. And I would find it to be unfair if at that point she felt pressured to do something she never wanted to do in the first place. If a child ever comes I want it to be in a nurturing environment, where my wife and I have already some guidelines set in place, instead of fighting and making it up as we go... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I totally agree with you with the parenting. My son never went to daycare at all either. He was with my mother when I worked. My mother was going to care about him more than any daycare worker ever could. My son got greater specialized care at home with his own grandmother than would've been provided by a daycare . I would not break up over an imaginary child though that seems rather silly. Link to comment
Firiel Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 just realised you said this bit .... get the snip fella ...if you dont want kids , ever , than why take the chance and split up now over something you dont ever want anyway . Yes, this. Also, think a little bit about this double-standard: you are considering breaking up with your girlfriend for not being willing to make a sacrifice that you yourself aren't willing to make (staying at home with the hypothetical kids). Link to comment
EQIQ Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 just realised you said this bit .... get the snip fella ...if you dont want kids , ever , than why take the chance and split up now over something you dont ever want anyway . I have considered that... and am considering it. I am worried about side effects, but it is looking like the right path to take... Tube-ligation to me is even more worrisome. Internal surgery, more risks, etc. I don't know... I would have to keep some samples in a sperm bank somewhere in case I change my mind in the future about kids... Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Yeah but this is a pointless conversation to have with your g/friend, because she does not want kids. Link to comment
EQIQ Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Yes, this. Also, think a little bit about this double-standard: you are considering breaking up with your girlfriend for not being willing to make a sacrifice that you yourself aren't willing to make (staying at home with the hypothetical kids). I actually told her that if it came to that I would take a part-time night shift job, and stay at home with the "hypothetical kids". It would not please me to do so, but I would if my wife doesn't because I feel it is the best for the child. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I have considered that... and am considering it. I am worried about side effects' date=' but it is looking like the right path to take... Tube-ligation to me is even more worrisome. Internal surgery, more risks, etc. I don't know... I would have to keep some samples in a sperm bank somewhere in case I change my mind in the future about kids...[/quote'] sounds like the way forward ....excellent idea about keeping some of your fella's on ice ... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 My brother had the sip no side effects at all. Mind you him and his wife have 3 kids already Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 My brother had the sip no side effects at all. Mind you him and his wife have 3 kids already oh god yeah I know loads and looooooooooads of men who have had the snip ...no problems Link to comment
Loveandlost Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 making it up as you go is what parenting is! You have no idea what needs your future child will have. Sorry but parenting isnt one of those things that you can make a foolproof plan for and follow and everything works out wonderfully. Life happens while your busy making other plans.. as the saying goes. Honestly mabye she just doesnt want to be poor her entire life, in todays economy a single income 3 person house is barely going to be keeping up with the bills. You think kid issues cause fighting? Financial Stress is the number one cause of divorce. Link to comment
EQIQ Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 My brother had the sip no side effects at all. Mind you him and his wife have 3 kids already Yeah the odds of negative side-effects are small. But there are internal changes that happen (I have researched this quite extensively... yeah I am freaking out about this whole child thing). I also have some religious concerns over altering my body like that... but... that is for me to think about and consider. As far as health goes, it is usually okay, but some guys experience pain for a long time to come, sometimes years after the procedure. You even develop anti-bodies against your own sperm because after enough pressure (for a long enough time) has built-up in the vas-deferens it ruptures, and sperm starts entering the blood stream, which is not a normal occurrence, So the body builds anti-bodies against this "foreign invader"... The whole thing gets rather bizarre... Bottom line, chance of pain, or other problems is small... so maybe I will end up taking that path shortly before marriage. Link to comment
EQIQ Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Honestly mabye she just doesnt want to be poor her entire life, in todays economy a single income 3 person house is barely going to be keeping up with the bills. You think kid issues cause fighting? Financial Stress is the number one cause of divorce. That is very true as well. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I can understand the religious and health concerns yes but seriously I've never heard of that happening to a guy ever. And her having her tubes tied is much more invasive. If you're worried about the religious sense of it I would discuss it with what ever religious authority that the appeals to you. The religious aspect is also why my husband doesn't have this operation done. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I think the whole stay at home or daycare deal can be very contentious. Some women want to stay home some women are chomping at the bit to go back to work and some women just out right have to go back to work. Some people can have family that can help like it was in my case. Some people like daycare and some people have to use day care. I personally never liked it and never would've put my son in one no matter what I had to do. Link to comment
april15 Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I have 2 things. I was brought up as you were. We decided for my wife to be stay at home mom. When child became got to pre-school age she did not want to go back to work. I was rarely home working 2 jobs and trying to be hands on dad. She became involved with my son's best friend's dad. Refused to end it. Refused to go back to work. NO one answer is best. If she had kept working would we have been able to stay connected and stay married? We'll never know. I think if you have similar core values, are able to keep a strong relationship with communication and respect, it will trump any outside family influences. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 My GF and I don't want to have kids for various reasons' date=' but the way I view it is that if you are having sex, there is a chance of pregnancy. [/quote'] You are right, there is a chance, and it's good to consider the "what ifs". Have you discussed this, and would she keep the baby? I'm kind of with you, it was stressful leaving my children at daycare everyday. (They are now grown.) I couldn't tell what kind of substitute "parenting" they were getting there, and I was so exhausted at the end of the day that the quality of my parenting suffered. I ended up working part-time in the evenings, or traded daycare with friends, worked when the kids were at morning preschool, or found work I could do at home around their schedules. It was not easy, it was a stressful time, we were poor but I'm glad for my time at home with them, and my husband agreed. It is definitely a trade off, career-wise. I had children in my 20's and did not have a career at that point. If I had, I don't know what I would have done. If I had focused on my career, it's very likely I would be better off financially at this phase of my life, and that is something to consider. I always thought I would just work ALL my life, but I realize options can become limited as you get older and there is more uncertainty than I'd considered in my youth. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I just wanted to add, that I am glad to hear that you are considering there is always the possibility of pregnancy. Bodies are designed and wired to reproduce, and I think everyone who is sexual should discuss the "what ifs" with their partner before they have sex. Don't assume birth control is 100% effective, or what the partner would do in case of an unplanned pregnancy. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I just wanted to add, that I am glad to hear that you are considering there is always the possibility of pregnancy. Bodies are designed and wired to reproduce, and I think everyone who is sexual should discuss the "what ifs" with their partner before they have sex. Don't assume birth control is 100% effective, or what the partner would do in case of an unplanned pregnancy. Exactly!...... Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 All of my neices and nephews have been going to daycare since they were babies, are are happy, smart, well-adjusted, cultured, and awesome. My son has been going twice a week since he was 8 weeks old, and loves it! They go on walks, sing songs, read books, practice motor skills, learn to socialize, share, play well together, paint pictures, and he's only 7 months old...and are exposed to different cultures and ways of life. Thursday is picture day, and it's so cute what they do. I guess it's different since my daycare encourages us to come visit, hang-out, even nurse. My hubby works from home, and homecares him the other three days, but they barely do anything at the moment. And if I hubby needs to be out in the field, my dad can watch him for a few hours. Studies even show that children who go to Pre-School excel in studies and inter and intrapersonal skills over those that only enter in Kindergarten. And those that are exposed to the arts even younger excel in that form of communication as well. Studies also show those that are schooled earlier than Kingergarten are more likely to graduate High School, have higher reading skills by the third grade than students who attend full-day kindergarten, and earn an average of 20% more than those that entered only in Kindergarten. It's different for everyone though...ideally, I would love to be have tons and tons of time with him and my hubby, and him be in school, but I "gotta make the donuts." A car for him, and college doesn't pay for itself. I do find myself leaving at a normal time from work every day now, and we're going to vacay in Hawaii, even though work is hectic. Just making the time is what counts at the end of the day. Link to comment
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