Lucy3 Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 How do you give the guy you have been dating space, but not too much space so that he thinks you have/are losing interest? The guy I have been seeing for about 3 and a half months seems a little distant lately, he still calls me occasionally and texts/replies to my texts but just doesn't seem like he was in the very beginning, he is not being as affectionate and his texts are a little short and have an un interested vibe to them. Anyway I have been researching about how to deal with a guy who is pulling away and i know i need to give him space and just get on with my life and keep myself busy (not that i was ever clingy or over the top before) but my question is how do i give him space without him thinking i have lost interest in him. I guess i am afraid that if i give him too much space he will just disappear Link to comment
RedDress Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Have you mentionned this to him? I would start by just casually saying that you've noticed that he's pulling back a bit and ask if everything is ok. There could be a very simple explanation (maybe he's been busy at work, down about other things, etc). Understanding the source, if any, is key. From there - just let him initiate contact for the most part. You don't have to be all psycho about not texting him... but... just initiate for every time or two that he initiates. If you stop initiating as much, notices that you are both drifting away and doesn't want that - he should kick it up a bit. But... I would definitely start with that conversation. Otherwise, he may simply think that YOU are losing interest. Communication is key. Link to comment
FYI Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 First you need to ask yourself where exactly are you in this situation and where exactly do you wish to be? Three months is quite a while. If you're still interested in something serious then you should get on the ball and figure out what happening. I know, I understand that this is supposed to be the man's job but sometimes guys can be a little too laid back and not exactly upfront about expressing themselves when it comes to establishing clarity. So establish that first and if you both are still interested, then keep it flowing and keep it going. If not, then it perhaps now is the time to move forward. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Unless you're dating exclusively, I'm not sure what the point would be in giving him space? At this point, it seems fair enough for both of you to decide if there's potential for a relationship, otherwise you're both free to date others. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 Thanks for your replies. I know you are all right. It is definitely time for the 'talk' i have been hoping that he would initiate that conversation soon but he hasn't so i guess it is upto me to do it. How do i go about doing this? Link to comment
FYI Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I agree that until you both are exclusively dating you are still free to do and date as you wish (no pun intended). Sometimes space is not such a bad thing and maybe he backed off a little bit just to see where you were coming from. I do know that some guys liked to be chased as well. It lets them know that there efforts are not in vain. A woman who chases back can sometimes ensure that. Men also need attention and reassurance sometimes. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 If he really likes you he won't disappear if you are not around as much. People worry that if they allow the other person some space that the other person will forget about him/her. This doesn't happen if the person really likes you. If you give the person some space and they wander away, then did they ever really like you to begin with? Better to find out now imo Link to comment
HeatherB Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Please do not have "the talk" or any big "talk" at this point. That never ever ever ever ever works when it comes from a place of anxiety or need. You will only get upset when he reacts negatively or indifferently. Which will freak him out, making him distance himself even further. Consider dating other guys. Competition has a way of focusing the mind. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 I agree. communication IS key. If you can't talk, then nothing else matters. Just let him know you're there for him if he needs you..and that you look forward to hearing from him. Men tend to shut down when they have 'issues' to deal with. Just let him know you are there. Worse thing to do is to punish him when he DOES reach out, or it might be a long time, if ever..that he does it again. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 No actually I'd give him all the distance in the world. He risks losing you when he does hear from you. but come on, he knows he should be putting in the effort to show he cares about you and of course is interested in you. If he can not be bothered now, then forget him! It's only 3 and a half months, you can find better and I wouldn't sit around wasting time. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 Its interesting to hear the dfferent view points. I think along the same lines as HeatherB. If he is stressed about stuff (which i think he is at the moment about a few things) then surely me pressuring to talk about what we are could drive him away/put him off? i prefer it so much more when the guy initiates the 'talk'. Arghhh I am from the UK and multiple dating here pretty rare. 3 months into dating would feel as though i am cheating on him and i am pretty sure if he knew i was dating others that would be the end of us. Just like if i found out he was seeing someone else i wouldnt want to carry on seeing him. Its just like that where i am from. I think i will wait until it gets to the 4 month mark which is in a few weeks and see how it is going then and bring up the 'official talk' Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Big mistake, for he is not talking to you now. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 No actually I'd give him all the distance in the world. He risks losing you when he does hear from you. but come on, he knows he should be putting in the effort to show he cares about you and of course is interested in you. If he can not be bothered now, then forget him! It's only 3 and a half months, you can find better and I wouldn't sit around wasting time. Thanks i am going to take a step back and see what happens Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 Big mistake, for he is not talking to you now. whats a big mistake? Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Having an "official talk". What for? For him to be forced to have to actually say "Well Lucy.....I'm glad you've kinda brought this up, this isn't really working out for me anymore..........." Do you want to have that talk???? No. Do the distance thing and if he truly likes you he will come to you, rather than you hunting him down for a "talk". Link to comment
Me and myself Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Like others said, tell him you're noticing him pulling away and ask if everything's alright with him. Offer your help if needed. If he doesn't open up, back off and see what happens. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 yeah i wasnt going to have the talk yet, i said i am going to just give him some space for the moment. But i think after 4 months there should be some kind of talk. Unless he just assumes we are official, some guys seem to just assume after a while and dont actually feel the need for the chat Link to comment
JA0371 Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 Dylan, you are so negative. I would simply keep lines of communication open. If he's a big enough douchebag to not even talk to you, then yes....end it. Otherwise...go with the flow. It's still early days. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 It's not being negative! It's giving her straight up advice! Link to comment
HeatherB Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 As far as I can tell, you've committed yourself without the benefit of official girlfriend status. That's an extremely weak position. You'll feel entitled to correct behavior from him, without any right to demand it. So you're stuck with hedging and hoping. Pre-commitment is a really dicey, anxiety-provoking situation. You have so little control. The solution is to detach yourself and stay less committed than he is. You don't have to date others, just don't depend on him for anything. It's self-defeating to worry about driving him away. Worrying overmuch about his feelings and wants means walking on eggshells, which makes you start to resent him. Which means eventually you'll blow up at him. I agree with DylanNotorious. If he allows himself to be driven away, good riddance. That proves he wasn't the right one. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Share Posted October 17, 2012 As far as I can tell, you've committed yourself without the benefit of official girlfriend status. That's an extremely weak position. You'll feel entitled to correct behavior from him, without any right to demand it. So you're stuck with hedging and hoping. Pre-commitment is a really dicey, anxiety-provoking situation. You have so little control. The solution is to detach yourself and stay less committed than he is. You don't have to date others, just don't depend on him for anything. It's self-defeating to worry about driving him away. Worrying overmuch about his feelings and wants means walking on eggshells, which makes you start to resent him. Which means eventually you'll blow up at him. I agree with DylanNotorious. If he allows himself to be driven away, good riddance. That proves he wasn't the right one. You have summed it up perfectly, all that is exactly how i am feeling at the moment. But how much contact from me is enough to be giving him space but not so that he thinks i have lost interest? Link to comment
Me and myself Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 But how much contact from me is enough to be giving him space but not so that he thinks i have lost interest? How many times to you contact/see him now, in a weekly basis? Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Share Posted October 17, 2012 We see each other once a week, usually at the weekend, he lives about 40 minutes away so it is hard to see each other in the week. We talk on the phone about twice a week and text everyday. Contact is initiated 50/50 i think. Link to comment
Me and myself Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 Stop texting and phone. One week after, ask him if hewants to meet for the weekend. If he says yes, see his reaction. That's my sugestion. Link to comment
Lucy3 Posted October 17, 2012 Author Share Posted October 17, 2012 He is still texting me as often and initated a text first this morning but his texts just seem so serious and abrupt. Do you think I am just being paranoid? If he really didn't like me anymore he wouldn't text me right? Argggg my head is so up with not knowing if i imagining it or if he is being different. Link to comment
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