I Messed Up

[Tenplusthree]

I have been married since December of 01. About two years before that, my wife found some porn on my computer. I was embarrased and ashamed, and I told her that I would stop. He had a BIG fight about it at the time, but she eventually got over it.

 

I did not stop right away. I did slow down a lot, but it did not stop completely. It kept on going for about another year and a half. I was racked with guilt, and I decided to stop once and for all in October of 01. Our wedding was orignially going to be in June of 02, but in November we moved it up to the end of the year. I did not tell her that I had just recently stopped because I was afraid of losing her.

 

Every once in a while the subject would come up, and I would deny everything. Once again because I was afraid. Whenever I got a some offensive spam, or when something was mentioned about Porn on TV or in the newspaper. We actually had counceling about it a couple of months ago, and things had been better since then.

 

And then, last Thursday, she was doing some stuff on the computer, and found what I had downloaded that I had not known to get rid of. She confronted me about it, and I told her everything. This was about a year and a half ago that I stopped, and she can see that because of the dates. She is, understandably, very very upset. We are going to start counceling separatly, so she can find out if she still wants to stay with me, and I can find out what my problem is.

 

I finally understand what my problem is. I lied to her because I was worried. Worring about losing her, worried about my world falling apart. I had a lot of bad habits when I was a bachelor, and I try my hardest to overcome them. She told me that the porn is not even why she is upset, but the lying is, and I finally understand that. When we had our fight, I told her a lot of things that I was scared to death of telling her about, and she told me that none of them were that bad. But that she was more upset with me about the lying than about the porn.

 

Now, we are trying to work it out. She just finished semester at school, and things are slow at work, so we both have way too much time to think about it. There are some other issues also, money being the main one. But none nearly as bad as me lying. I sincerly want to win her back, and to be the man that she deserves. I don't know how we can get there, but I want to know if anyone here has any advice. I can't talk to anyone about it, and I do not start counceling until Monday. It is driving me nuts. I have lost 10 pounds in the last week (no appetite and worrying), but that may be a good thing for me anyway. I just do not want my family/friends to worry about me, or to think that she is the bad guy if we do break up. I just don't know what to do, and it is driving me nuts.

 

Thank you all for listening to me, and I hope that you can give me some advice.

[Santorini]

hello there,

 

hmm... im sorry to hear about the fight btw u and ur wife. But actually i don't think watching porn is a problem. My ex-bf watched porn also, and i knew that, but i didn't think this is a problem at all....

 

I think u shouldn't tell any lie. If u did watch porn, u should tell ur wife that u are overcoming, u are trying ur best. And i think that u should have a talk to her also. As long as u love her, i think it's ok. Watching porn doesn't mean anything, maybe this is just the visual need for a male. And can u watch with her ? or does she mind if u watch with her ? i remember some doctors said watching porn together can improve a couple's relationship.

 

If your wife doesn't like u to watch porn, of course u should try all your best to get rid of this habbit. BUT if u can't get rid of this habbit, u should TELL HER, have a talk to her. Tell her u are trying ur best, but you need time. you shouldn't lie, this is called communication, rite ?

[magpie]

im confused. you said that earlier in the relationship she was upset about porn viewing, found it on your computer, and the result was a fight. then you say that her recent anger, according to her, is not about the porn but about the lying. i get the impresison its about both. many women dislike porn, find it to be degrading. but this is stupid in my opinion. its common with a lot of things, though, to develop an opinion, take on the onset of black and white, and point the finger away from oneself. say "you are hurting me, degrading me, because of your viewing of porn." what these women ought to be doing is realizing the fact that men are in many ways slaves to sex. they are allowed to be free about their carnal desires without shame from an early age. more free than women, at least. many women think that porn is dirty. but why? sex is not dirty. desire is not dirty. whats dirty is the twisted view that many people have of sex. and that dirtiness reflects itself in many ways. in peoples abnormal aversion of sexuality and sexual expression as well as in the incorporation of the "perverted" in some of the porn out there. but this is a tangent. the point im trying to make is that THIS IS PROBABLY MORE ABOUT YOUR WIFES SKEWED VIEW OF SEXUALITY RATHER THAN ABOUT YOUR EXPRESSION OF SEXUALITY. there is nothing wrong with finding desire in others. its normal and natural. some women find porn to be a threat. which they shouldnt. your wife is real, your porn is a fantasy. anyhow, i think that she is the one who has the problem, not necessarily you. sure, you should not have lied, but she should not have put you in a position where you had to hide your actions. she may not like you viewing porn, but unless she is willing to act out the fantasies that you have, she has no place to tell you that you are in the wrong. unless she is willing to get to business every time you are "in the mood" she should just accept the fact that porn is a healthy outlet for many men AND women. yes, women can enjoy porn as well. i actually enjoy watching porn with my lover (when in have one) and occasionally alone. unless your porn habit is obsessive and takes control of your life and ruins your ability to have sex with your wife, there is NOTHING WRONG with your viewing habits.

[Tenplusthree]

That's just it. It is not the porn she is upset about. It is the lying, and I understand that now. I just hope that I have not ruined what we have. I am still deathly afraid of what will happen, but I think that she is giving me another chance, and I know it is my last. I love her more than I could ever imagine, and I do not want to lose her.

 

I just hope that someone here can tell me a good story about how they were able to overcome something like this, and had a happy ending. I really need help now, and I do not know where to turn to.

 

 

/Edit

I am dying inside as I type this. She is with a friend of hers at a bar we go to right now, and I am meeting her there after work. I hope to god that she is not asking her for a place to stay, and thinking about leaving me. I love her so much, and this kills me. I have never been happier than when I was with her over the last five years. I have problems, and I am finally able to admit it. I just don't know what to do, and it is killing me.

[magpie]

im assuming then that you have lied about other things as well. bc if you havent, what you are saying makes no sense. i get the picture that the power balance in this relationship is off. again, taking what you have said as being all there is to this situation, she has too much power over your emotions. you should not have to worry about her "walking out" becuase of a white lie. you should feel like your relationship is stable. you should not have to feel like you are walking on egg shells. you should not be made to feel that you need to hide your actions and who you are. back to the porn. your sexuality and sexual expression are a part of who you are. part of the whole package. we are packages. you cant take only the parts you want and expect the others to vanish. we are who we are, and our lovers cant expect us to CHANGE they can only expect us to develop our beautiful sides. again, if it what you have said is all that there is to this situation, she has control issues and you have "walk all over me" issues. anyhow, you are putting all of the blame on yourself, which is not right. lets say, for instance, that it goes beyone porn. lets say that you lie about lots of things. yes, i could see her anger. this could be "the last straw." anyhow, either way you both do need counceling. you to get over your compulsive lying, if that is what is going on here, and her for getting over her need to control and shame, if that is what is going on here, and the both of you for figuring out if this is a healthy relationship, and if not, what can be done to fix it. anyhow, i doubt you are soely to blame. you are the one writing for advice. so, lets say for the sake of saying that maybe you are to blame for a lot of this, obviously you feel terrible and love your wife, and hopefully that will be enough to get the two of you through this tough time.

[SwingFox]

Hi,

 

I am very much impressed by what magpie adviced. I agree to what she says for 100% and I would have adviced pretty much the same thing, probably in other words.

 

The only addition I would like to make, is: "Communication leads to a better understanding". Communication is the basic and foundation of any relationship. You fail to communicate, then you're relationship is doomed to fail sooner or later. It's just a matter of time.

 

I hope that this helps you and wish you a bright future from here. Good luck!

 

~ SwingFox ~