I have been married since December of 01. About two years before that, my wife found some porn on my computer. I was embarrased and ashamed, and I told her that I would stop. He had a BIG fight about it at the time, but she eventually got over it.
I did not stop right away. I did slow down a lot, but it did not stop completely. It kept on going for about another year and a half. I was racked with guilt, and I decided to stop once and for all in October of 01. Our wedding was orignially going to be in June of 02, but in November we moved it up to the end of the year. I did not tell her that I had just recently stopped because I was afraid of losing her.
Every once in a while the subject would come up, and I would deny everything. Once again because I was afraid. Whenever I got a some offensive spam, or when something was mentioned about Porn on TV or in the newspaper. We actually had counceling about it a couple of months ago, and things had been better since then.
And then, last Thursday, she was doing some stuff on the computer, and found what I had downloaded that I had not known to get rid of. She confronted me about it, and I told her everything. This was about a year and a half ago that I stopped, and she can see that because of the dates. She is, understandably, very very upset. We are going to start counceling separatly, so she can find out if she still wants to stay with me, and I can find out what my problem is.
I finally understand what my problem is. I lied to her because I was worried. Worring about losing her, worried about my world falling apart. I had a lot of bad habits when I was a bachelor, and I try my hardest to overcome them. She told me that the porn is not even why she is upset, but the lying is, and I finally understand that. When we had our fight, I told her a lot of things that I was scared to death of telling her about, and she told me that none of them were that bad. But that she was more upset with me about the lying than about the porn.
Now, we are trying to work it out. She just finished semester at school, and things are slow at work, so we both have way too much time to think about it. There are some other issues also, money being the main one. But none nearly as bad as me lying. I sincerly want to win her back, and to be the man that she deserves. I don't know how we can get there, but I want to know if anyone here has any advice. I can't talk to anyone about it, and I do not start counceling until Monday. It is driving me nuts. I have lost 10 pounds in the last week (no appetite and worrying), but that may be a good thing for me anyway. I just do not want my family/friends to worry about me, or to think that she is the bad guy if we do break up. I just don't know what to do, and it is driving me nuts.
Thank you all for listening to me, and I hope that you can give me some advice.
