cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 I think a lot of abandoners think "you'll thank me someday" of the people they abandon. Trouble is, if it's been going on seven years and someday hasn't come yet, then what? Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Believe me, if I could accept it, move on, and be happy, I would. I don't choose to hold on to this, any more than my friend chose to not love me back. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Also, many people in my situation get closure. I'll never get closure, which makes moving on impossible. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 It isn't her responsiblity to stay in your life and make you happy. In fact, she did you a favor by removing herself from your life because she did not reciprocate the feelings you had for her...because she saw you as a friend and not a romantic partner. As others have posted, expressing feelings of love to a friend, same or opposite sex, forever changes the dynamic of the relationship. If the other person feels the same way, awesome. And the friendship moves to a new level. If the other person does not....then, it can be awkward...because the person who has more love interest cannot just turn it off. And the person who doesn't is left with knowing that they don't feel that way. And thus...the dynamic changes for good...but not in a good way. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Thank you, mhowe. I appreciate your contribution. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Also, many people in my situation get closure. I'll never get closure, which makes moving on impossible. You have closure. She is gone. And not coming back. That is a closed as closed could be. And why? Because she didn't reciprocate the feelings you had for her. You just don't want to let go. There is a difference. And she did chose not to...it was her choice. Because you don't agree with doesn't make it wrong or "out of her control" Link to comment
DieTeufelKatze Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Actually, I have NEVER gotten closer for ANY of my past failed relationships. But I've managed to move on from all of them. "Believe me, if I could accept it, move on, and be happy, I would. I don't choose to hold on to this, any more than my friend chose to not love me back." I don't believe this for a second. YOU are the one who CHOOSES whether or not you move on from something. The fact is that you just don't see or believe, or WANT to believe this, but it IS how it is. YOU are the one. Nobody else. You need help. Your issue is so deep that nobody here on these forums can help you beyond what they already have, and you have refuted, and argued, and denied EVERYTHING everyone has suggested to you. You need THERAPY, and YOU need to be the one who makes the choice to go find the right therapist (even if that takes going to several before finding the right one), and doing the WORK that CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) requires. You HAVEN'T done therapy because you didn't find an appropriate therapist and gone to at least ONE YEAR of weekly sessions to do the work required to get over your issue. That is what you need. I'm sure you will now refute me with some pity-party response or some other denial. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Relationship, not non reciprocation. Big difference, and yeah, closure is needed in non reciprocation situations. I never got any. I don't think she chose to find me unattractive. People can't help who they're attracted to. But she sure did have a lot of people convinced we were together. Even her dad said, "S, are you and your friend dating?" She sure fooled me, too. Apparently the only one who knew she didn't love me was her. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Also, many people in my situation get closure. I'll never get closure, which makes moving on impossible. Many people never get to have the kind of special friendship you had. Many people give themselves closure (me included, more than once). Change the passive to the active "I did not choose to get closure on my own and I have chosen not to move on from the rejection I felt when she didn't reciprocate the feelings I have, whether or not that requires closure or some other approach". Far easier to compare yourself to the basically imaginary "many people" and experience victimhood rather than doing the active work to move on. You can do it- up to you. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 The reason I never got closure was that I never heard, FROM HER, the exact reason that she not only had to end the friendship, but why she chose that particular method of friendship termination after how close we'd been and how much of myself she knew I'd given to her. I tended for and cared for my friendship as though it WAS a marriage already. I put up with her crazy moods and weirdness, all her things that made life hard. Because I loved her and hoped for a future with her. Even if I'd known when I was 20 that eight years later I'd be in this situation I would have done the same, because I loved her with all my heart. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 The reason I never got closure was that I never heard, FROM HER, the exact reason that she not only had to end the friendship, but why she chose that particular method of friendship termination after how close we'd been and how much of myself she knew I'd given to her. I tended for and cared for my friendship as though it WAS a marriage already. I put up with her crazy moods and weirdness, all her things that made life hard. Because I loved her and hoped for a future with her. Even if I'd known when I was 20 that eight years later I'd be in this situation I would have done the same, because I loved her with all my heart. I think it is very very rare to get that kind of closure in ANY break up. Batya is right, that it takes giving YOURSELF closure. I suppose there are different ways of doing that. Give the relationship and the split a new meaning, perhaps. Credit yourself for being able to commit and be loyal, and see that as a Valuable Quality IN YOURSELF, it's yours and no one can take that away from you. It's a quality you value, and one that she lacked in this case, so you know you want that quality in a person you invest your love in, now and in the future. (Including, investing your mind in thinking about them). Credit yourself for being able to love, that is also an ability that is yours and no one can take away from you, you HAVE that ability now. Explore how you love in different ways now, what you love to do, things you love to see, little ways you feel most alive. When thoughts of the past haunt you reclaim your own mind and tell them to get out of your head and leave you alone, that this is YOUR moment, here and now, enjoying what YOU want, doing this moment for yourself. Make yourself a list of ways to create closure for yourself and see how many ways you can come up with. Create a closure ceremony. Rewrite your story. Break up with her (in your imagination) since she isn't the friend you thought she was. Have a go-to activity that makes you feel good and enjoy yourself, and do that as your healing practice, make it more important than thinking of her. Notice the moments you feel better and credit yourself for healing, and do more of those things, choose more of the thoughts that feel good and closer to happiness. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 I feel like people who actually consummated their love don't need closure as much as I do. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 The reason is, they knew they were good enough at one time for the person they loved; I knew I was never good enough. They have the assurance and self confidence to find someone to make love to them again, but I have no way to know if I'm ever good enough for someone to be with sexually. For all I know I'm too ugly and disgusting for anyone to ever be with, since I've never even kissed at nearly 30. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 There is no point in arguing who has it harder, thus for the time being let's assume you have it harder than anyone else. What to do about it now is the real question. You don't need her to tell you that she didn't love you in the same way, because her actions loud and clearly spelled that out. She didn't even give you any breadcrumbs whatsoever, but left your life for good without ever looking back - that is all you need to remember for closure. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Nope. That's not closure. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 The general feeling seems to be that it's okay to just end a friendship because someone fell in love with you. How fair. Fair? Really? Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 You don't want it to be closure. You are choosing not to accept this to be closure. Yes I understand: sometimes, having an unrequisited unhappy love story still is a love story of some kind and seems more comforting to cling onto than letting go of the idea and facing the reality of not having anyone to love in your life. However, this is only from a perspective if you are not looking forward. If you are looking towards the future in the believe that you will want to find someone more suitable, someone who wants to love you and who wants to share a life with you, your perspective will change dramatically and you will realize that everyday that you live in the past is a day lost for finding and making a better future and present for yourself Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Abandoning someone is not a way to provide closure. Because I still don't know why she abandoned me. Even if it's "Oh, I didn't love you," she could have not loved me and did differently. So I still get NO answer as to why she just abandoned me. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Penelope, did someone do this to you? If you can honestly tell me that you were in love with someone who didn't love you back, you told them, they abandoned you and you were satisfied, then I'll consider considering it closure. But I somehow suspect that did not happen to you. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 The reason is, they knew they were good enough at one time for the person they loved; I knew I was never good enough. They have the assurance and self confidence to find someone to make love to them again, but I have no way to know if I'm ever good enough for someone to be with sexually. For all I know I'm too ugly and disgusting for anyone to ever be with, since I've never even kissed at nearly 30. Not necessarily. After a break up they might think "I was never good enough. They had me fooled!" or "I thought it was real, but they were faking all this time. How do I trust ever again when I had no idea?" or "They were just toying with me, using me." I think you're jumping to conclusions about what other people think and feel after a break up. No one can convince you to think and feel differently. You'll have thoughts and feelings that you seem to have no control over, they just happen. BUT, experiment a bit. You'll have a thought and a feeling will follow. Pause, and notice how that feeling affects you. Do you like the affect? What often happens is the feeling will trigger memories and stories about our pasts or people and conversations in our head about things that aren't happening In This Moment. But we spend our time and energy there, and make judgments about ourselves and others based on these inner stories. If you pause and notice how you're feeling, and go back to the thought just before the feeling, you can decide to continue on that train of thought or to not. Think of it just like a train. Why get on a train that is taking you where you don't want to go? Don't go there. Or if you do, recognize that for some reason you want to be on that train for now. The experiment comes when you decide to hop off that train for now. (you can always catch it later.) Choose a slightly happier thought, even make one up. Then explore traveling THAT one. See where it takes you, and get off as soon as it takes a turn for the worse. There are an immense amount of thoughts to think. Many of them have been thought before (by someone, somewhere). They're not that original, but we get to add our particular experience and reaction to them. We can only think one thought at a time. Thoughts come and go. We tend to grab onto one and identify with it, and focus on it far longer than we need to. Go for the good ones. Why not? If it makes you happier, then go for it! It's your mind, your life. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 I'll be blunt: someone was willing to do the deed with them in a meaningful way, which is a hell of a lot more than I've ever been able to say for myself. Whatever they may think, they were what someone wanted. I have never been wanted. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 I'll be blunt: someone was willing to do the deed with them in a meaningful way, which is a hell of a lot more than I've ever been able to say for myself. Whatever they may think, they were what someone wanted. I have never been wanted. Ok. That's the past. Link to comment
cadmiumblue Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Also, they can think back and remember lovemaking. I can't. Link to comment
DieTeufelKatze Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Also, they can think back and remember lovemaking. I can't. You're making sex out to be this big deal when it really doesn't make that big of difference in the scheme of things when it comes to relationships. That statement is just yet another example of the pity-party and victimhood you've CHOSEN for yourself. Link to comment
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