PaperSt1537 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 After about a month of no contact from either party, my ex who broke up with me after a two year relationship sent me a text the other day asking if we could talk again, "to keep each other updated on our lives." After careful consideration and posting my concerns on this forum I replied via email and very politely explained that I'm "not over her and I'm still trying to work out my feelings for her." I told her I still wanted her in my life but I don't think I'm ready just yet to start talking again. Obviously I still love her and I want the best for her. I want her to be happy, even if its without me. But now I'm having serious doubts about whether I made the right decision. I keep thinking that maybe I missed an opportunity to reconnect and maybe a chance to be with her again. But nothing in her text indicated anything more than just wanting to catch up so I wonder if I'm trying to read more into things. I'm just really confused after doing so well so far implementing the no contact rule. She hasn't replied to my email and I'm not sure if I should even expect one now. I just feel like I may have really made a mistake telling her I'm not ready. I just don't know... Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 The whole point of NC is to protect yourself from more damage, it's self preservation. You should only break NC when you no longer have emotions invested in any reply. I see far too many people here taking the 30 day NC rule as gospel, like the pirate code... it's a guideline only. Now you have told her it's too soon, which it obviously is as your other posts indicated a lot of confliction as to what you hope to achieve with your closure letter. So don't sweat it now, you have replied when maybe it would have been better not to, but that's ok, you didnt lie and undertsand this, you cannot fill each other in on your lives all the time you are thinking like you are. It will drag out the pain... and you don't need that. She knows how you feel , that's cool... now I hope she lets you heal and you do the same , take care Link to comment
PaperSt1537 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 Markie6, I greatly appreciate your continued advice on this ridiculous ride I'm on. Initially I wasn't going to reply at all until I was ready to talk again, but my friends told me that was rude and I agreed. Now I'm wondering if I should have ignored it. My mind keeps taking me to a place where the possibility exists for getting back together but I can't ignore the fact tHat she told me when she left me that there is no chance. She was very painfully clear about that. The confusion is just unbearable at this point. Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 I think I replied you and said it was far too soon only 5 days ago ... try not to listen to your friends if that's their line of thinking, far better to glean knowledge here from other peoples post and advice, because lets be fair... there is far more experience in past BU's here than ebetween the ears of your friends. You cannot be friends with somebody when you have an emotional investment.. period. Do not try , she has been blunt and told you ..you have no chance. That was all you needed to know. She might want to be friends, but that will not help you get over her, it will make it worse. Now she ended it, left you with no hope and yet you're clinging to hope ? Why ? Her words should be ringing in your ears.... she has been kind in a way letting you know this , but maybe a little foolish thinking 30 days is enough healing time. When you don't care anymore about her, then call her. In the mean time you heal... and ignore her , no matter what others might say. You don't need a friend like her right now, because friends who cause you pain like this are not friends take care Link to comment
stickman Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 When in doubt....Don't. And when it comes down to it, it is ok to be selfish. Why? Because you are the most important. You must make yourself happy first and foremost. Do things for yourself and soon you find how much better off you are. Put the past in the rear view mirror and focus on the road ahead of you. That way you can't wreck!!! A fresh new road always is more exciting than the road you were on. Link to comment
PaperSt1537 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 Yeah, clearly I shouldn't have replied at all. I knew any contact whatsoever on my part would damage any possible chance for a future with her and/or it would cause a serious setback in my recovery. I just thought not saying anything at all would be too inconsiderate since she was reaching out to see how I was doing. I know she didn't do it maliciously, I know she still cares about me. But I need to work with the information given and I think if she really wanted to see about getting back together it would be more clear in her communication. But there's the rub. There's just no way to know and the idea that it might be that is haunting me now whereas if I'd just ignored her text, I would probably be a lot better off. So, I've responded. Nothing I can do about that now and it's going to be up to me to decide if I want to be friends someday. Because if it was something more than just a check-up, I'm never going to know now. I feel like I'm back to square one and I have to go through this whole healing process all over again. I don't want to be defeatist about this but I really feel like I made a horrible mistake. Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 eah, clearly I shouldn't have replied at all. I knew any contact whatsoever on my part would damage any possible chance for a future with her She has clearly told you .... no chance.... but wants to be friends.... well you want a chance.... so don't get tricked into being her friend ...when you clearly care. It's not fair on you You made a mistake, we all have , don't sweat the small stuff... and please any of your friends who say it's rude to protect your heart... try and listen to them less Link to comment
MasterPo Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 M6 pretty much nailed it. Just a tip for you, as you get to know the site and posters, some of the commentary is gonna be what you need to hear. Take the time to PRINT IT OUT and keep a folder handy. As you roll through this emotional mess it helps to read items that made sense to you. Gives you focus and believe me, cuts down on the confusion and "what ifs" running through the mind. Just a tip, I wish you luck. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Your friends also have a horse in the race. They love you and are cheering for you. People here care for you but in a less biased manner. If she made it crystal clear there's no chance you have to respect her decision. And she has to be made to respect your decision to move on with NC. It's a very painful thing to do and seems counter intuitive. It is for the best however. Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Yeah unbiased.... but friends saying its rude to ignore somebody...who doesnt want you...they are either unaware of the truth... or unhelpful. Link to comment
stickman Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 M6 pretty much nailed it. Just a tip for you, as you get to know the site and posters, some of the commentary is gonna be what you need to hear. Take the time to PRINT IT OUT and keep a folder handy. As you roll through this emotional mess it helps to read items that made sense to you. Gives you focus and believe me, cuts down on the confusion and "what ifs" running through the mind. Just a tip, I wish you luck. Great advice here. This is what I did back in the day except that I put all the quotes and advice in a Word document. It became a living document that I added to and changed everyday. Help to organize my thoughts and help me focus on the right things to think and the right things to DO. Link to comment
PaperSt1537 Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 Well, she did reply to my email and of course, I was horribly wrong in ever even conceiving that her contacting me was anything more than checking in. She said she realized after asking me if we could talk that it was insensitive to do so and that she was sorry. That she would be around if I wanted to talk someday... So, I've been the fool yet again and it feels like the reset button has just been pressed on this whole thing and it's very upsetting to know that all my progress was for naught. One slip up and I'm back to square one. Thank you all for your comments and advice though. It's really been a huge help to know I'm... er "not alone." Link to comment
markie6 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 It's only a setback. Now you are armed with the knowledge for what you need to do. So use that to help you forward and put the other stuff in the rear view mirror Link to comment
stickman Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 So now it is in the past and you move in a new direction on your own path to doing what is best for you. When you start to make yourself happy doing your own things and things that you like to do people want to come in to your life. You will see. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 The worst false hope is the type you give yourself. Hugs. Link to comment
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